Cydonian
Well-known member
I have been depressed myself but I've always dealt with it myself, and been alone at the time, but now someone close to me is going through it and I need some help on how to handle it.
My husband moved here from England to be with me, and right now we are in a bit of a limbo because he can't work, can't even get a social security number yet, can't drive or anything. We are filing his green card paperwork when I get paid on the 30th (the fee is outrageous), so hopefully he should get work authorization in the next 2-3 weeks. Until then, I can tell he is depressed and I don't know what to do about it.
(this may get long and a bit TMI, so...)
It started out that I noticed he was acting sort of sad, a little bit touchy, etc... I asked if he was okay and he admitted that he was having a hard time adjusting over here, he doesn't like not having any money and it's hurting his pride to let me pay for everything. He said he feels like he hasn't found himself here yet. I asked if there was anything I was doing wrong, and he told me no, that I was being a fantastic wife and I am fine.
That was a few weeks ago... I started noticing over the past few weeks that little things are becoming more noticeable. For one, he is constantly calling himself fat, and he is 6'5, 220 lbs, and rather thin. He has a bit of a stomach but for 31 years old, he is in good shape. Two, I noticed that our sex life started slowing down. We've always been decently active, more so on visits as we had limited time, but even when we moved here it was pretty steady... every other day at least, but more commonly at least once per day.
It started going 2-3 days... then 4... and then last week we didn't do anything all week. Friday afternoon rolled around, and I decided to come home for lunch (if you get what I mean). I finished eating and said I was going upstairs, and he followed, got into the room, shut the door and looked completely clueless. I'm going... ok... I actually had to say out loud that I came home so we could hook up. We ended up finally doing things, but only for a few minutes and it just wasn't right. Something was off. He's normally very intimate and affectionate... not that time.
I got home that evening a little early, and when I came in the room(we live in a FROG in my parents house), he barely looked up and kinda murmured "hi". I ended up sitting there on the bed for an hour waiting for him to make some kind of move (after mentioning that I wanted it) but he was busy on the computer. I started reading, and looked over at the screen to see him typing (he does development work for an online game and was chatting with the other devs) "Gotta go, wife needs me ;-) "
At this point, we had 30 minutes until our best friend was coming to the house to go to dinner with us. I was doubtful that anything would get going... and omg, those 30 minutes nearly killed me. He was -insane-! I think he literally almost made himself pass out. It was just like we used to be - sweating, intense, etc. After we were both done, I had to get up and get him water, and I was scared to leave him in the room cause he was so you know... aaaaah, ugh, tired.
Since then... nothing. Not even flirting, touching or anything. It's back to the way it was before again. We got into an argument about it last night because we're also having some trouble over foreplay. He doesn't do it anymore. When we first got together, I was really uncomfortable with the idea of him doing oral on me, and he actually got a little upset. Finally, I got comfortable enough and he's done it 2 or 3 times now I think. But it's been MONTHS since he's even tried. I've said something about it in passing -- but he usually changes the subject. So I finally came out and asked if I tasted bad or something, or if he didn't like doing it. He seriously jumped back and said "no no no, I love doing that for you, I just don't think about it." When I brought it up last night again though, he relayed a story about throwing up one time when he did it to some girl years ago. He said they had drunk a lot and he doesn't know whether it was that or not. I said "ok... great, so I make you want to puke?" He yelled at me and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore "because he didn't mean it like that."
It basically started a fight, I fell asleep on my side angry and he was sitting at the edge of the bed not speaking to me. I woke up around 4AM and he was curled up, holding onto me with his face buried in my stomach. His face was red and he looked like he had been crying.
So now I feel like crap, we've kind of talked about it today but I still don't know how to deal with this. At all. I have relationship experience but obviously 0 marriage experience.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I know this was a lot to read, and it seems and feels like more of a rant. I think he is depressed and it is affecting our relationship, specifically the intimacy side of things... but how can I help? Can I even help at all?
My husband moved here from England to be with me, and right now we are in a bit of a limbo because he can't work, can't even get a social security number yet, can't drive or anything. We are filing his green card paperwork when I get paid on the 30th (the fee is outrageous), so hopefully he should get work authorization in the next 2-3 weeks. Until then, I can tell he is depressed and I don't know what to do about it.
(this may get long and a bit TMI, so...)
It started out that I noticed he was acting sort of sad, a little bit touchy, etc... I asked if he was okay and he admitted that he was having a hard time adjusting over here, he doesn't like not having any money and it's hurting his pride to let me pay for everything. He said he feels like he hasn't found himself here yet. I asked if there was anything I was doing wrong, and he told me no, that I was being a fantastic wife and I am fine.
That was a few weeks ago... I started noticing over the past few weeks that little things are becoming more noticeable. For one, he is constantly calling himself fat, and he is 6'5, 220 lbs, and rather thin. He has a bit of a stomach but for 31 years old, he is in good shape. Two, I noticed that our sex life started slowing down. We've always been decently active, more so on visits as we had limited time, but even when we moved here it was pretty steady... every other day at least, but more commonly at least once per day.
It started going 2-3 days... then 4... and then last week we didn't do anything all week. Friday afternoon rolled around, and I decided to come home for lunch (if you get what I mean). I finished eating and said I was going upstairs, and he followed, got into the room, shut the door and looked completely clueless. I'm going... ok... I actually had to say out loud that I came home so we could hook up. We ended up finally doing things, but only for a few minutes and it just wasn't right. Something was off. He's normally very intimate and affectionate... not that time.
I got home that evening a little early, and when I came in the room(we live in a FROG in my parents house), he barely looked up and kinda murmured "hi". I ended up sitting there on the bed for an hour waiting for him to make some kind of move (after mentioning that I wanted it) but he was busy on the computer. I started reading, and looked over at the screen to see him typing (he does development work for an online game and was chatting with the other devs) "Gotta go, wife needs me ;-) "
At this point, we had 30 minutes until our best friend was coming to the house to go to dinner with us. I was doubtful that anything would get going... and omg, those 30 minutes nearly killed me. He was -insane-! I think he literally almost made himself pass out. It was just like we used to be - sweating, intense, etc. After we were both done, I had to get up and get him water, and I was scared to leave him in the room cause he was so you know... aaaaah, ugh, tired.
Since then... nothing. Not even flirting, touching or anything. It's back to the way it was before again. We got into an argument about it last night because we're also having some trouble over foreplay. He doesn't do it anymore. When we first got together, I was really uncomfortable with the idea of him doing oral on me, and he actually got a little upset. Finally, I got comfortable enough and he's done it 2 or 3 times now I think. But it's been MONTHS since he's even tried. I've said something about it in passing -- but he usually changes the subject. So I finally came out and asked if I tasted bad or something, or if he didn't like doing it. He seriously jumped back and said "no no no, I love doing that for you, I just don't think about it." When I brought it up last night again though, he relayed a story about throwing up one time when he did it to some girl years ago. He said they had drunk a lot and he doesn't know whether it was that or not. I said "ok... great, so I make you want to puke?" He yelled at me and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore "because he didn't mean it like that."
It basically started a fight, I fell asleep on my side angry and he was sitting at the edge of the bed not speaking to me. I woke up around 4AM and he was curled up, holding onto me with his face buried in my stomach. His face was red and he looked like he had been crying.
So now I feel like crap, we've kind of talked about it today but I still don't know how to deal with this. At all. I have relationship experience but obviously 0 marriage experience.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I know this was a lot to read, and it seems and feels like more of a rant. I think he is depressed and it is affecting our relationship, specifically the intimacy side of things... but how can I help? Can I even help at all?