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ginger9
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
Never compromise your self-worth, self-respect for anyone, no matter how much you love this person, man or woman.
I think mistakes in relationships will happen (often times unavoidable) but what is important is you learn from them and grow as a person and hopefully end up in a mutually respectful, loving relationship that will last.
There are bad and good people in this world this will never change. You have the choice to walk away - don't be a victim.
Never compromise your self-worth, self-respect for anyone, no matter how much you love this person, man or woman.
I think mistakes in relationships will happen (often times unavoidable) but what is important is you learn from them and grow as a person and hopefully end up in a mutually respectful, loving relationship that will last.
There are bad and good people in this world this will never change. You have the choice to walk away - don't be a victim.
S.S.BlackOrchid
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
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I am not asking for anything unrealistic. I don't care for flowers, and remembering every little date or detail. Just take me out shooting and I'm happy. And I'm not all that emotional either. I don't think asking for respect, and to not be treated like I'm a lesser person, is too much to ask for. It's not mistakes and some friction here and there that bothers me, because that happens with any relationship. But I do not tolerate being disrespected and undermined.
I am not saying that men are worse, they aren't. I have very close male friends and I think they are good people. But I definitely believe they get treated better, even when they are being complete assholes. For example, when my Dad was gambling all my Mom's money, lying to her and pretty much treating her like crap, everyone kept swooning over him. And then they had the nerve to tell her to be a more pleasant wife.
Oh yes, and then there was my ex. I broke up with him for being possessive, and he started stalking me, throwing hissy fits, made me lose my job. All our friends took his side anyway. It's as though men can do no wrong and I'm the big bad monster for not bending over backwards for him.
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Originally Posted by NutMeg
I think if you're calling the "good guys" the ones who never hurt their girlfriends, then you are actually talking about spineless guys who put their girlfriends feelings above everything else. Maybe that's what you're looking for, but sorry, I'm looking for a partner. I can handle that there are things in my bf's life more important than my feelings, like his education (issue we're dealing with right now). When it comes right down to it, he loves me and wants the best for me, but he's got to put himself first, just like I put myself first. Does it hurt that we have to be in different provinces for another year, and do I sometimes feel like he doesn't really want this as much as I do because he put the brakes on this for his piloting license? Yes. But then I remember that this relationship may not last for the rest of our lives, and if that's the case, we will still have our educations. Neither of us is willing to sacrifice our educations and our financial security for this relationship, because we're realistic enough to know that it may not last forever. I think it's unrealistic to expect that no one will get hurt in an adult relationship dealing with adult issues, like finances, kids, life goals, lifestyles, etc. So yes Alibi, I agree with you that even the good guys hurt their girls sometimes. But unlike you, I don't think that makes them jerks. I know I've hurt my bf just as much as he's hurt me, and I would venture to say that when he hurt me, more was accomplished for our relationship (education, improving financial situation) than when I've hurt him, which has mostly been out of anger or spite. Maybe that's the difference between women who get their hearts destroyed and those who come out only partially broken. When you're just dating, you should be putting yourself above your boyfriend... If you're married with kids, with a life together, it becomes a little different. I adore my bf, and I hope to be with him for many years, but if it looks like the relationship is starting to cost me more than it gives, you bet your ass I'm going to cut and run. At this point, I'm only in it as long as I can see a future that promises to pay me back for all the hell I'm going through now. As soon as it starts looking like it won't, devastating as it will be, I'm gone. Just because I trust and love him doesn't mean that I'm going to stop looking out for myself and my best interests. I can't expect him to be doing that for me when he's got to be doing it for himself. I'm not trying to suggest that it's women's fault that men are jerks, because I don't believe that. I just think that you have to be careful about your expectations and where the line that separates good guy from jerk lies. There are some real jerks out there, male and female, and as to the idea raised that in general men hurt women more than women hurt men, it's probably because in general men take things less personally than women do. If you're trying to suggest that men as a gender are somehow worse people than women (and maybe I'm wrong but it feels like most of this thread is getting that way) then I have to say I think that is ridiculous. I can't speak for every situation because obviously there are some assholes out there, and women who really are getting stomped all over. But if you're crying because he forgot the anniversary of the first time you kissed... Maybe you need to take a closer look at your definition of jerk. Sorry if this post was a bit harsh, but the idea that having a Y-chromosome somehow makes you a worse person both kills me and makes me angry. |
I am not asking for anything unrealistic. I don't care for flowers, and remembering every little date or detail. Just take me out shooting and I'm happy. And I'm not all that emotional either. I don't think asking for respect, and to not be treated like I'm a lesser person, is too much to ask for. It's not mistakes and some friction here and there that bothers me, because that happens with any relationship. But I do not tolerate being disrespected and undermined.
I am not saying that men are worse, they aren't. I have very close male friends and I think they are good people. But I definitely believe they get treated better, even when they are being complete assholes. For example, when my Dad was gambling all my Mom's money, lying to her and pretty much treating her like crap, everyone kept swooning over him. And then they had the nerve to tell her to be a more pleasant wife.
Oh yes, and then there was my ex. I broke up with him for being possessive, and he started stalking me, throwing hissy fits, made me lose my job. All our friends took his side anyway. It's as though men can do no wrong and I'm the big bad monster for not bending over backwards for him.
euphrosyne_rose
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
I think one of the main problems is the girl "hanging in there" when it's just time to let it go. I know for me, I always was the one who tried to be optimistic and think "things will get better if I just give it time" and in my last relationship I finally had to realize that I was being treated like crap and it wasn't going to get better.
My boyfriend at the time quit being as attentive and affectionate after about the first 2 months we were together. After a few more months had passed he quit calling as much and always claimed he had a lot on his mind and was really busy at work. Unfortunately for me, I was crazy about him and it drove me out of my mind wondering what I was doing wrong. I tried several times to talk to him about it and to let him know that if he didn't feel the same way about me then we neede to part ways and he kept insisting nothing was up. After 6 months of everything and rarely seeing him anymore, I finally had THE talk and he was supposed to let me know if he still wanted to see me. I never heard back from him again. I was friends with his sister-in-law and she kept insisting she didn't know what his problem was. It turned out that about a month before our talk, he had met someone else and started dating. He never had the balls to tell me or to part ways as I had suggested earlier. I finally decided enough was enough and had the talk. I found out about his "new" girlfriend on Myspace of all places. She had sent him a Happy Anniversary comment of 3 months and when I went back and figured it up, they had been together since before he quit talking to me.
I learned then that if you try and try and it still doesn't get better and you still aren't happy and the communication isn't going well, it's not going to and it's best to cut your losses, no matter how much it hurts. Hanging in there is great if the BOTH of you are trying to work it out, but not if it's just YOU working on it.
I think one of the main problems is the girl "hanging in there" when it's just time to let it go. I know for me, I always was the one who tried to be optimistic and think "things will get better if I just give it time" and in my last relationship I finally had to realize that I was being treated like crap and it wasn't going to get better.
My boyfriend at the time quit being as attentive and affectionate after about the first 2 months we were together. After a few more months had passed he quit calling as much and always claimed he had a lot on his mind and was really busy at work. Unfortunately for me, I was crazy about him and it drove me out of my mind wondering what I was doing wrong. I tried several times to talk to him about it and to let him know that if he didn't feel the same way about me then we neede to part ways and he kept insisting nothing was up. After 6 months of everything and rarely seeing him anymore, I finally had THE talk and he was supposed to let me know if he still wanted to see me. I never heard back from him again. I was friends with his sister-in-law and she kept insisting she didn't know what his problem was. It turned out that about a month before our talk, he had met someone else and started dating. He never had the balls to tell me or to part ways as I had suggested earlier. I finally decided enough was enough and had the talk. I found out about his "new" girlfriend on Myspace of all places. She had sent him a Happy Anniversary comment of 3 months and when I went back and figured it up, they had been together since before he quit talking to me.
I learned then that if you try and try and it still doesn't get better and you still aren't happy and the communication isn't going well, it's not going to and it's best to cut your losses, no matter how much it hurts. Hanging in there is great if the BOTH of you are trying to work it out, but not if it's just YOU working on it.
Sexya(TM)?Princess
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
to be honest men can be assholes just like we can be bitches lol
we just think different and nobody realizes that in the heat of the moment. the man will get all tough and mean and clam up and we will cry n cry and ask why 500 times.
men hide their emotions and we let it all out. i have to tell myself all the time 'hes not ur gf, hes not gonna respond to the way ur acting'
to be honest men can be assholes just like we can be bitches lol
we just think different and nobody realizes that in the heat of the moment. the man will get all tough and mean and clam up and we will cry n cry and ask why 500 times.
men hide their emotions and we let it all out. i have to tell myself all the time 'hes not ur gf, hes not gonna respond to the way ur acting'
Beauty Mark
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
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What nationality are you and most of the people in these stories? I'm sorry that people behaved like that. It's unfortunate that some cultures allow men to do whatever they wish while women could be killed for standing up for themselves slightly
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| I am not saying that men are worse, they aren't. I have very close male friends and I think they are good people. But I definitely believe they get treated better, even when they are being complete assholes. For example, when my Dad was gambling all my Mom's money, lying to her and pretty much treating her like crap, everyone kept swooning over him. And then they had the nerve to tell her to be a more pleasant wife. Oh yes, and then there was my ex. I broke up with him for being possessive, and he started stalking me, throwing hissy fits, made me lose my job. All our friends took his side anyway. It's as though men can do no wrong and I'm the big bad monster for not bending over backwards for him. |
What nationality are you and most of the people in these stories? I'm sorry that people behaved like that. It's unfortunate that some cultures allow men to do whatever they wish while women could be killed for standing up for themselves slightly
NutMeg
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
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I agree with you completely here.
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I guess it all depends on our personal experiences. The important men in my life are all great guys, and I say that with the same criteria I would have for calling a woman in my life a great woman.
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| Originally Posted by S.S.BlackOrchid
I am not asking for anything unrealistic. I don't care for flowers, and remembering every little date or detail. Just take me out shooting and I'm happy. And I'm not all that emotional either. I don't think asking for respect, and to not be treated like I'm a lesser person, is too much to ask for. It's not mistakes and some friction here and there that bothers me, because that happens with any relationship. But I do not tolerate being disrespected and undermined. |
I agree with you completely here.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by S.S.BlackOrchid
I am not saying that men are worse, they aren't. I have very close male friends and I think they are good people. But I definitely believe they get treated better, even when they are being complete assholes. For example, when my Dad was gambling all my Mom's money, lying to her and pretty much treating her like crap, everyone kept swooning over him. And then they had the nerve to tell her to be a more pleasant wife. Oh yes, and then there was my ex. I broke up with him for being possessive, and he started stalking me, throwing hissy fits, made me lose my job. All our friends took his side anyway. It's as though men can do no wrong and I'm the big bad monster for not bending over backwards for him. |
I guess it all depends on our personal experiences. The important men in my life are all great guys, and I say that with the same criteria I would have for calling a woman in my life a great woman.
S.S.BlackOrchid
Well-known member
Re: Why do men hurt us, huh? really?
Quote:
Culture is not relevant here. I live in the U.S. My ex was American. All our friends were American. It's not about my culture! My parents' friends were Americans, Asians, Europeans, and Indians. And yes, I have seen this in AMERICA!!!! Women who let their guys go to strip clubs (I don't have a problem if they are both okay with it, but it's different when they are obviously troubled with their boyfriend's/husband's actions) and crap just to be the "cool girlfriend" and to not be seen as an insecure bitch. Do not try to invalidate me by pinning this on my culture.
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| Originally Posted by Beauty Mark
What nationality are you and most of the people in these stories? I'm sorry that people behaved like that. It's unfortunate that some cultures allow men to do whatever they wish while women could be killed for standing up for themselves slightly |
Culture is not relevant here. I live in the U.S. My ex was American. All our friends were American. It's not about my culture! My parents' friends were Americans, Asians, Europeans, and Indians. And yes, I have seen this in AMERICA!!!! Women who let their guys go to strip clubs (I don't have a problem if they are both okay with it, but it's different when they are obviously troubled with their boyfriend's/husband's actions) and crap just to be the "cool girlfriend" and to not be seen as an insecure bitch. Do not try to invalidate me by pinning this on my culture.
