---

[Meisje]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

He is entitled to mental privacy. It's healthy, and normal, to think about other people, even fantasize or dream about them. Trying to restrict his imagination, or making him feel like there will be negative consequences for fantasizing about others, is an incredibly restrictive thing to impose on another person and I would call it unreasonable.

If you are simply trying to find out what YOU can do to fulfill his fantasies, phrase the question that way.

Whether or not you're (not the OP in particular, just women in general) okay with him looking at porn is separate from his fantasies. I think porn can be a problem if it's replacing or interfering with your sex life, or if it starts to interfere with life in general (ie he needs to find a job but he looks at porn all day long) but I've learned this: men who like to look at porn will not stop because you don't approve. They'll tell you they've stopped, you'll discover they haven't, you'll fight, they'll promise again and... repeat to infinity.

 

[RiCh_N_PrEtTy]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

i agree that every man has his fantasy, but I believe your man is selfish with explaining what his fantasy is.

My question is, what kind of fantasy is it? Could it be with another man or a relative of yours? Secrecy can be a bad thing or (sometimes) a normal thing...

I can't tell you how bad the "secret" fantasy is, but you can depending on who he is as a person..

 

[Kragey]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

Going further with Meisje's post:

1. Many people won't talk about their fantasies because they're afraid of being judged. More often than not, a fantasy is just that: a fantasy. For example, plenty of people fantasize about bestiality, but very few of them would actually try it. The thought just turns them on.

2. 95% of the time, viewing porn is perfectly normal. Porn does not replace you. Even if you have favorite porn stars, they are really little more than a sexy image on a screen or a page that gets you horny. They cannot give you head, hug you, or wash the dishes, and most people are well aware of that.

3. It's a little shitty to me that he won't discuss his fantasies, but then again, I'm a very open and sexual person. In the long run, if somebody wants to keep something to themselves, that's their business. Make of that what you will, but just remember that there are some things you think that you probably don't want anybody to know.

4. If you don't think about other people EVER--and I'm not saying I disbelieve you, trust me--you're one of the rare ones. The average person, male or female, does think about other people every once in a while. Don't read too much in to it.

 

[User93]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

-

 

[Kragey]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alibi Thanks everyone for replying. I have talked a lot with my bf since then, and actually things got way better! This is still a very interesting thread. I do take the blame for the most of this situation, because he told me that he was just worried I would freak out and be jealous (well....I gotta admit I do that a lot about silly things, and I'm working on it) because he would mention porn etc and didnt wanna push us into another fight. Yes, I do feel upset thinking that he would watch porn or read magazines and I wish he didnt. But from this thread I've learned that well, seems the majority of men does it, even those in the relationship once in a while. He is my 1st boyfriend and I guess i just learn how men are with him. I just try to take things way easier now. Thanks to everyone for your answers! I wonder how your opinions are!

The majority of PEOPLE do it, regardless of gender, at least in the good ol' US of A. Plenty of women watch porn and just don't want to admit it, and plenty of men honestly don't watch porn at all.

 

[kimmy]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

i'm gonna be honest, it used to really bother me when my boyfriend looked at scantily clad women. "why does he need to look at someone else?" i thought. "is he not happy with me?" i asked myself. my mom and my sister told me it best: let it be. it's nothing to them, just something to look at.

if he lies about it? then yes, it's a problem. but if he just looks it's fine. they're pictures on a page not a woman he is touching or connecting with.

i don't think it's necessary for him to keep that stuff to himself though. i feel like everyone should be 100% open in a relationship, on all levels.

 

[Meisje]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

I think the honesty should have a limit. For example, torturing him about whether or not he thinks your friends are attractive, and then having a huge fight with him because he says yes. Everyone has at least one friend who has picked a similar fight with their boyfriend and come crying about it. I would never ask such a loaded question that I would NEVER want the answer to. So he thinks my friend is hot --- do not want/need to know! Insecurity will extrapolate "he thinks she's cute" to "he's just waiting for a chance to bone her" to "omg is he cheating on me with her???"

That's the sort of thing that never needs to be discussed, because for men, sexual imagery isn't solely linked to love. He likes boobs, and bums, and naked people. He likes to look at other girls. It REALLY doesn't have anything to do with the way he feels about you.

The only "but" for that with me is a man who OGLES women while he's with me. Stares, drools, etc. I don't like to be ogled, it makes me feel uncomfortable and like a piece of meat, so I wouldn't date anyone who burned holes in other girls with his eyes or felt the need to comment in a vulgar way. Gross.

Once you realize that "wants to look at _____ (breasts, porn, whatever)" and "loves me completely" are two parallel roads that never intersect, you can relax and stop worrying. Letting go of that insecurity is great for your relationship, too.

 

[User93]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kragey The majority of PEOPLE do it, regardless of gender, at least in the good ol' US of A. Plenty of women watch porn and just don't want to admit it, and plenty of men honestly don't watch porn at all.

-

 

[Mabelle]

Re: Men fantasies & "privacy"?

i think your boyfriend is 100% right. Unless he wants to share, its private.