Another BF problem

[lovemichelle]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. We have been through a lot and lately things have just been going down hill. He likes to drink beer and it's now an everyday thing. I find it to be too much and it's a waste of a lot of money. I ask him all the time to just cut it down and he tells me it's my fault and seeing my face makes him wanna drink. I don't understand it. I do a lot for him. Bring him lunch at work (that I cook), pick him up for work, cook for him, buy him gifts whenever I go shopping, accept things about him like having a kid that I once couldn't, I listen to his problems and the list goes on, but the beer pisses me off. I could see like one or two (he drinks the 24oz tall boys), but he can't stop at 2 he has like 6 or whatever. We can't even go out to eat without him having to drink. Smoking weed has never bothered me, but I don't do it anymore so now I don't like it around me. He doesn't do it much, but I think he should be sensitive to me and not do it also. There is no need for it. He finds it controlling, but I see it as caring. I would have loved for someone to tell me no all the years I was doing it. I love this man more then life itself, but I don't feel like he's being respectful of how I feel. I have told him many times, but I am clueless of what to do now. I cry so much about it and I'm breaking down. I'm not bashing him at all because I cherish him more then anyone and don't want to be without him, yet I need more right now. Things were so good before, I just wish I knew what happened. What should I do?

 

[Janice]

It doesn't really sound like you want the same things out of life. We have to accept that we can't change people, and our feelings shouldn't get in the way of our brain telling us what we know we need to do.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janice It doesn't really sound like you want the same things out of life. We have to accept that we can't change people, and our feelings shouldn't get in the way of our brain telling us what we know we need to do.

I don't want to change him. I love all the things about him except for the beer. I just feel like he doesn't want to try. Tonight he said he is going to, but I have to wait and see it. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion, but I feel lost.

 

[lah_knee]

girrrlll... some guys LIKE to drink beer like that. some guys just have pride issues especially at a younger age. they dont want someone telling them what to do. sometimes they take you telling them to stop, controlling behavior. i would approach it differently... instead of telling him he needs to stop or cut back, let him know that you just worry about him drinking because you dont want anything bad to happen.

also some guys are hardheaded and just have to live and learn. ive gone through this same ordeal with my boyfriend... him drinking... him smoking... but ive learned to pretty much accept that this is what he enjoys doing. its his money if he wants to waste it, so be it... he'll learn when he is broke that he cant be so petty with his money. its not my problem until we are married and have to make decisions TOGETHER. for now all i do is accept it... he makes his payments on all his bills, he works 40 hours + a week... he can do what he wants as long as he is responsible when it comes to the serious stuff.

 

[breathless]

i think you should leave him. tell him that if he really respects you and wants you, he'll quit his bull shit.
i mean, leave him beacause he drinks whenever he sees your face? thats incredibly disrespectful and nobody should be with somebody like that.

 

[Gloriamgo]

I think that you should just hold your tongue about his drinking. He already thinks that it's controlling so eventually he'll just start doing it just because he can and to spite you, show you that you don't control him. Or you could just approach it in a different way, like someone said before, tell him that you're just worried about his health or something, and not just telling him to stop because you want him to.
Otherwise, you may have to re-evaluate your relationship and what the future might hold if you stay with him, trust me, you do not want to be with an alcoholic, and I am not calling him one at all, but casual drinking can easily and quickly turn into a dependency.

 

[Corvs Queen]

Leave him, stop making excuses for his destructive behavor and depend on you. Cause really, that's the only person you can.

 

[exodus]

I'm sorry to say this but it doesn't sound like he respects you as much as you deserve. The "I drink whenever I see your face" thing would've spelt the end for me, I just wouldn't take that kind of crap. How incredibly rude and disrespectful! I think he has issues that he has to solve before sharing his life with someone else. Sure, people drink, but not 6 tall boys in one go! That's excessive!

Look, to me, if you're crying day and night over your relationship and he's not, that says something. To me, being in a relationship means you go through things together, you help, support, love and respect one another, and most of all you make each other feel safer and happier than anything else in the world. If not, what's the point of a relationship? If it only makes you feel miserable, hey, you can be miserable on your own, what's the difference? If he doesn't even try to make you happy, it's time you find someone who does.

 

[Jessica]

OK, the second that someone told me that I "drive them to drink" my a$$ would be hittin' the door. the decision is yours: you can 1)leave while the leavin' is good and you've only vested 9 months out of your life -or- 2) Hang around longer and let him smash your self-confidence and everything that makes you up

You controlling?!?! Hell no, he's the one in control! He get to be lazy and not do anything for himself:
Bring him lunch at work (that I cook), pick him up for work, cook for him, buy him gifts whenever I go shopping, accept things about him like having a kid that I once couldn't, I listen to his problems and the list goes on,

He offered you an easy way out when he said that "your face makes him drink" Obviously he's too wrapped up in himself to give a crap what your concerns are.

If I've been harsh, sorry, but I cannot stand it when alcohol and/or drugs comes ahead of significant others. Do as you wish.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lah_knee girrrlll... some guys LIKE to drink beer like that. some guys just have pride issues especially at a younger age. they dont want someone telling them what to do. sometimes they take you telling them to stop, controlling behavior. i would approach it differently... instead of telling him he needs to stop or cut back, let him know that you just worry about him drinking because you dont want anything bad to happen. also some guys are hardheaded and just have to live and learn. ive gone through this same ordeal with my boyfriend... him drinking... him smoking... but ive learned to pretty much accept that this is what he enjoys doing. its his money if he wants to waste it, so be it... he'll learn when he is broke that he cant be so petty with his money. its not my problem until we are married and have to make decisions TOGETHER. for now all i do is accept it... he makes his payments on all his bills, he works 40 hours + a week... he can do what he wants as long as he is responsible when it comes to the serious stuff.

He's 25 so I think he would realize by now. The drinking bothers me because when he drinks every little thing bothers him. I will be driving him home and he yells at something stupid. He shouldn't drink if he's just gonna do that, but he doesn't think of that stuff because he doesn't remember. He goes to work all tired because he was up drinking and one day he will go in there and you never know get hurt. It also bothers me because of another situation that I can not speak of. Let's just kinda say he's on probation.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessica OK, the second that someone told me that I "drive them to drink" my a$$ would be hittin' the door. the decision is yours: you can 1)leave while the leavin' is good and you've only vested 9 months out of your life -or- 2) Hang around longer and let him smash your self-confidence and everything that makes you up You controlling?!?! Hell no, he's the one in control! He get to be lazy and not do anything for himself: Bring him lunch at work (that I cook), pick him up for work, cook for him, buy him gifts whenever I go shopping, accept things about him like having a kid that I once couldn't, I listen to his problems and the list goes on, He offered you an easy way out when he said that "your face makes him drink" Obviously he's too wrapped up in himself to give a crap what your concerns are. If I've been harsh, sorry, but I cannot stand it when alcohol and/or drugs comes ahead of significant others. Do as you wish.

That's how I feel. I feel like beer is more important then me. Most people when they drink they are better to be around (my step father.) But my boyfriend I love him sober. He is just amazing to me and I tell him that. i fell in love with someone who wasn't drinking and then it was once in awhile and now its everyday. He gets paid Wednesday, cashes his check Thursday and it's usually gone by friday. If you add up the beer it's crazy. Before he used to ask me to buy it and finally I was like I am not wasting my money on beer. I spent a lot back then and was very stupid. I feel like I made him look like a bad person and he's not. He is very respectful of me and I know he loves me. He was the one who had me change the way I was dressing and even my make-up. When he said I tried to change him I brought that up and he said it's good he did that because now people dont see me as a slut. (he never thought i was but i guess people would say it behind my back) I also think me asking him to stop with the beer is good because people look at him like wow he drinks a lot. Even my mom sees it. Why would you wanna be seen as an everyday drinker? I rather people say my shirts too low and I wear too much make-up then have them say I drink too much. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. Last night coming home my neighbor was like aw how are the love birds? He plays into it, but I didn't say anything because that's not how we are anymore. We have our good days and bad days, but lately I just can't shake the bad things. He said something very mean to me the other day when he bought the weed and he's apologized many times, but I can't forget it. I hate to see our relationship go down like this so I just hope he really does start trying. It is also me too, but anything he ever called me out on I have worked on or changed completly. I thank him for that because now I am a better person. I wish he would accept my suggestions as the same thing. Before this last week or so our relationship was great. I bit my tongue on some things, but we were fine. We have been through more then you could ever imagine so I have a feeling he's not thinking of that. We both are stressed out, but it's weighing down on the relationship. He says I pick him up from work and look like I have an attitude. He knows how I look. I don't have a cheesy ass grin on my face 24/7, but I don't give him an attitude. That is what should matter. I am gonna try to talk to him again today.

Thanks for all the advice girls.

 

[user4]

Ok, until you said the whole thing about him blaming you for his drinking and the "i drink when i see your face" bullshit i was like "ok so he likes to drink." but he's completly disrespecting you, please tell me you clacked a bottle over his head when he said that to u (well not literally even though i probably would have). if he's talking to you like that (drunk or sober) he doesnt deserve you, or any girl for that matter. how could you talk like that to someone who you supposedly love. i think that you should have a serious talk to him about this because the drinking and the weed is not the only problem, and in my opinion not the most serious one. he's verbally abusing you by saying things like that. i understand it's hard to deal with, but like janice said, as much as you love someone, you cannot change them if they dont want to change. obviously, he doesnt want to change. nothing you do, buying him things, driving his places, accepting him or not, is going to change the fact that he's going to keep being the way he is until HE feels like changing and i dont think that will be anytime soon.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sxychika1014 Ok, until you said the whole thing about him blaming you for his drinking and the "i drink when i see your face" bullshit i was like "ok so he likes to drink." but he's completly disrespecting you, please tell me you clacked a bottle over his head when he said that to u (well not literally even though i probably would have). if he's talking to you like that (drunk or sober) he doesnt deserve you, or any girl for that matter. how could you talk like that to someone who you supposedly love. i think that you should have a serious talk to him about this because the drinking and the weed is not the only problem, and in my opinion not the most serious one. he's verbally abusing you by saying things like that. i understand it's hard to deal with, but like janice said, as much as you love someone, you cannot change them if they dont want to change. obviously, he doesnt want to change. nothing you do, buying him things, driving his places, accepting him or not, is going to change the fact that he's going to keep being the way he is until HE feels like changing and i dont think that will be anytime soon.

He told me he will get sick of beer sooner or later, but him saying stupid things like that confuse me. He never ever disrespected me like that before. He is a perfect gentleman, but he is taking everything too far to heart. I'm just gonna sit back and relax now and hopefully he will stop on his own. I try so hard, but it's just gotta be for myself now. I'm not trying to mother him, but he needs to be careful. Like I said I can't talk of the situation, but it's serious and that's another thing I've accepted and one day he won't be here and I'll be waiting for him. If someone was willing to do that for me I would stop doing anything for them.

 

[Jessica]

it's called ALCOHOLISM and no they don't get sick of drinking it

May I recommend a couple of books?
Dr. Laura's 10 stupid things that women do to screw up thier lives
and
Codependant No More

 

[Cruella]

Dude is an alcoholic, plain & simple. Your love will not change him - he loves his beer more than he loves you. My dad was an alcoholic and I dated plenty of them. They will lie about their drinking and they will hide it from you. The fact that he blames you for his drinking is even more proof of his addiction. Get up and leave, honey. You deserve better than that.

 

[user4]

I have to agree with these girls michelle, he is not going to get sick of it. a lot of men in my family are alcoholics and they never admit they are. my aunt's husband is an alcoholic even though he has only one drink a night but he needs that drink or else he cannot sleep. fortunatly he isnt violent or disrespectful when he does have his drink. but your boyfriend seems to have the problem of becoming verbally violent saying these ugly things to you. im afraid he may get physically violent... i hope he doesnt! i dont know if someone like this is the best for you being that you seem to be at a stage of your life where you are growing up (saying that you stopped smoking weed because you realize it isnt necessary- its a sign of growing up). if i were you, i would seriously think if he is really going to bring anything good into my life in the future.

 

[lah_knee]

i think its a little early to deem him an alcoholic. does he REALLY depend on it... does he lie to you about it? is he in denial about drinking a lot? sounds to me like he flaunts it and doesnt care. like i said if he isnt taking care of his responsibilities then YA its definately a problem. if YOU feel he does it on purpose just in spite of you then YA its disrespectful and hurtful and if YOU dont want to put up with that then dont. a person can only tolerate so much. but i know many times guys tend to mouth off things when they are angry or upset. things they didnt mean to say so harshly. does he apologize to you when he is calm? does he tell you he didnt mean to go off on you?? or does he show no remorse? sounds to me like you have your mind made up but are just too scared to let go. i can understand that, but only you can make a decision and stand by it.

 

[Cruella]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lah_knee but i know many times guys tend to mouth off things when they are angry or upset. things they didnt mean to say so harshly. does he apologize to you when he is calm? does he tell you he didnt mean to go off on you?? or does he show no remorse?

What difference does it make if he apologizes? An apology is just a bunch of words if he does the same damn thing over and over again. How many men will beat the crap out of a woman and then bring her flowers the next day, apologizing and crying and saying they will never do it again?

 

[lah_knee]

but he's not beating her. at least she didnt say that.... like i said, she knows what she can put up with. if its that hard on her then no she shouldnt be with him then. but if these are little petty fights they are having like most couples have, then maybe its not as serious as people on the outside think it is. only they know their relationship. the whole situation... shes just telling us a few stories and instances. you really have to look at a whole picture before making a decision. and only she can do that. not us.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lah_knee but he's not beating her. at least she didnt say that.... like i said, she knows what she can put up with. if its that hard on her then no she shouldnt be with him then. but if these are little petty fights they are having like most couples have, then maybe its not as serious as people on the outside think it is. only they know their relationship. the whole situation... shes just telling us a few stories and instances. you really have to look at a whole picture before making a decision. and only she can do that. not us.

You understand pretty well. Everything is fine now. It's just gonna take patience on both our parts. Today was a good day so we just have to take it one day at a time. 2 days without the beer. It's an improvement.