Another BF problem

[n_j_t]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemichelle I ask him all the time to just cut it down and he tells me it's my fault and seeing my face makes him wanna drink. Idown.

Leave. Now.

ETA:

Quote:

Today was a good day so we just have to take it one day at a time. 2 days without the beer. It's an improvement.

Okay, but seriously, if he starts to fall back into old patterns again, you need to get away from this. I wish you the best of the luck

 

[rcastel10]

First of all the fact that he said that seeing your face makes him drink is just wrong. You're talking about all the good things that you do for him but you don't mention anything that he does for you. I totally understand you when you say that you love him and can't be without him, but that may be one of the reasons why he acts like such a jerk because he knows how you feel about him and he knows you're not goin anywhere. I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend last year. He was real great at first but then all of a sudden became such a jerk, and it was because he was so confident that I wouldn't leave him because I loved him to death (as bad as that sounds). It was really hard but I had to break up with him after 3 yrs cause our relationship was really unhealthy. Once I did that and showed him that I could be without him he changed into a completely different person. I didnt take him back until 9 months later and now we are great. He's a completely different person. We're even engaged now. I'm not saying that thats what you need to do but you're in an unhealthy relationship whether you want to see it or not. You're just hurting yourself by being with him cause you're letting him hurt you.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by n_j_t Leave. Now. ETA: Okay, but seriously, if he starts to fall back into old patterns again, you need to get away from this. I wish you the best of the luck

well he drank yesterday, but only 2. it was still a good day. i had a little attitude over it for a few minutes, but he didn't keep drinking all night so it didn't bother me as much. 2 I can handle, but anything more I think is a little much.

And yes he does do nice things for me. He pays all my credit card bills, pays for the gas in my car, cleans and washes my car, just bought me a new bed set, bought me a digital camera and stuff like that. Before I got my car he also used to walk everyday 2 miles to see me. He likes to buy me stuff, which I don't like him doing. He likes to see me happy, but he isn't sure like what else he can do since I am very picky. I have a lot of bitchness left in me from like high school and I think he notices that. Yesterday he had the beer after I dropped him off after work. He told me he just wanted to stay home by himself so I left him there. He asked me where I was going and I said to the store and someone was beeping behind me so I left. He called and said that was rude and that's when he got the beer. I knew he didn't want me to go, but he wouldn't say it so I just did. I guess it hurt his feelings and thats when he got the beer. He's probably more sensitive then I am and I am bad with words so its a lot of the things I do and say that make him wanna drink. I understand that, but I try. He is very good to me, but I was with assholes for so long I kinda still am in the mode. I treat him wrong because that is all I know. I think I need to read my men are from mars book again.

 

[Miss Pumpkin]

Hun, you can't make someone drink, he drinks because he wants to so don't blame yourself for his drinking. If he has a problem with you he should discuss it with you, not hide it behind a car of beer.

And read what you wrote about him. All the good things you said he does for you are basically paying for stuff and buying stuff for you. You didn't mention "he listens to me, we have a laugh together, we share our worries, he's my best friend, he's nice with me in our intimate stuff..."

Think about all those things, doll. It's not about money or financial stability, you need emotional stability.

 

[rcastel10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Pumpkin Hun, you can't make someone drink, he drinks because he wants to so don't blame yourself for his drinking. If he has a problem with you he should discuss it with you, not hide it behind a car of beer. And read what you wrote about him. All the good things you said he does for you are basically paying for stuff and buying stuff for you. You didn't mention "he listens to me, we have a laugh together, we share our worries, he's my best friend, he's nice with me in our intimate stuff..." Think about all those things, doll. It's not about money or financial stability, you need emotional stability.

That's exactly what I was going to reply. The fact that he pays for all of those things and that he buys you things doesn't mean anything if he doesn't support you emotionally. You're making excuses for him for being the way he is. Worst of all you're blaming yourself for him being like that. The first thing you have to realize is that it's not your fault that he drinks or that he acts a certain way. He just uses you as an excuse. Girl, you have to think more highly of yourself than this. STOP blaming yourself for any of his actions. You sound like a nice girl who deserves to be treated well and respected by their significant other. Just think about everything that has been written in this forum for you by me and all the other people and realize that they make sense. I really hope everything works out for you.

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Pumpkin Hun, you can't make someone drink, he drinks because he wants to so don't blame yourself for his drinking. If he has a problem with you he should discuss it with you, not hide it behind a car of beer. And read what you wrote about him. All the good things you said he does for you are basically paying for stuff and buying stuff for you. You didn't mention "he listens to me, we have a laugh together, we share our worries, he's my best friend, he's nice with me in our intimate stuff..." Think about all those things, doll. It's not about money or financial stability, you need emotional stability.

He does listen to me and all those things you said. He always makes me laugh and everyone around him. I thought I was funny until I met him. He blew me out of the water. We've cried together and had a lot of intimate moments. That's why it is hard to let the beer really bother me because we have been through a lot. More good then bad.

Oh wait. He also paints my toe nails. How many other guys do that?

 

[Miss Pumpkin]

I think you should sit him down and explain him things seriously. My parents had a similar problem last summer, my mother found out he was consuming drugs and she would not tolerate it, so she told him "either you stop, or it's over". Try to have a really long talk with him and see how he reacts.

Say you don't mind him drinking, but he can't do it every minute. Tell him it would make you happier if he could cut it down a bit and when he feels like drinking you could both go out and have a drink, or go for a walk and get a few beers together. Try to explain him how getting drunk and stoned can be fun from time to time, but it loses its fun when you do it every single day.

I hope everything works out for the best hun x

 

[lovemichelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Pumpkin I think you should sit him down and explain him things seriously. My parents had a similar problem last summer, my mother found out he was consuming drugs and she would not tolerate it, so she told him "either you stop, or it's over". Try to have a really long talk with him and see how he reacts. Say you don't mind him drinking, but he can't do it every minute. Tell him it would make you happier if he could cut it down a bit and when he feels like drinking you could both go out and have a drink, or go for a walk and get a few beers together. Try to explain him how getting drunk and stoned can be fun from time to time, but it loses its fun when you do it every single day. I hope everything works out for the best hun x

He doesn't get "stoned" See we used to smoke together and even though I hate to admit I was the one who was stoned. He acts the same when he smokes just laid back. I on the other hand get goofy and talk a mile a minute. That's why I stopped because I sometimes said things I shouldn't have. I also don't drink anymore like in bar settings. If we go out to eat I'll have one or maybe two. I jus wont sit in a bar no more or drink at home. I rather do it out to eat because the food can absorb some of it. Like last week we went to Applebees, I had one Bahama Mama and I felt it. I didn't even feel right to drive home. He had two tall beers and was normal and funcational. I am not a light drinker, but I don't think I'm used to it anymore. He can drink a lot and his mentality doesn't change. He is normal and everything.

I did start reading the book again like I said and just the beginning helped. My "caring" actions are seen as controlling to a man. I now don't say "why do you want that you ate the same thing yesterday?" or "you don't need beer" and since i've done that he has appericated it and doesn't even want it. When people nag you tend to wanna do it in the back of your head. It isn't to hurt the person it's just sub-concious.

And if anyone feels like he just buys me love, that is far from the truth. When he first moved here is when we met and like a week or two after that he was gonna go back home. He didn't wanna be here any longer, but stayed for me. Left his family, his kid, his house, everything just for a chance to get to know me. We are a corny couple if you ever met one. We play Monopoly and Dominos every week. Play video games together, play cards. We go out and play pool every now and then. We do go shopping a lot, but that's because he is still buying stuff for his room and trying to make it more homey. He was the firsy guy to go to the movies with me. All my other ex's wouldn't go with me. And he was the one who saved me from a bad relationship I was in before him. My ex "borrowed" tons of money from me and refused to pay it back. Took things from my house. Would disappear for weeks on end. Called me other girls names. Wouldn't come see me for 18 days at a time. Only wanted sex... and I thought he cared about me. My current boyfriend was the one who showed me he was treating me badly. He saved me from that situation, so I don't feel he's just supported me financially. He is there for me more emotionally then anyone ever has. A few days after I left my ex was Valentines day and he bought me a big ass balloon which is hung on my wall now with a big bear that says "Our First Valentine" I never expected him to do that for me. And when we first started going out in the end of February he brought me the most beautiful roses. he always gets me little things and so what if their bought? He also writes me letters that I keep in another bear he won me at the fair this summer. He got me a lighter that is a tire and the rims spin to match my car because they have spinners too. He got me this penny with a heart cut out of it. They are small things that mean a lot to me. And shit, the toe painting is a lot too. He hates feet and still does it for me. He is the first guy I never "needed" to wear make-up for because he tells me how beautiful am no matter if it's 1 in the afternoon or 7am when I just woke up. The days I feel like I look like shit, he assures me I am perfect in every way (to him)

I feel like everyone has a bad picture of him and it is not true. The drinking bothered me, but he has worked on it. It wasn't like he was violent and he never mouthed off either except once and I don't think it was the beer. I know how to get on her nerves and I musta did it real well.

I started to cry writing this. I feel like such a dork now.

 

[Miss Pumpkin]

Well maybe we got a bad picture of him because in your first post you sounded very upset and annoyed.

It's great that he has done all those things for you, and we can see that you love him so much. And I know when you love someone you can't let them go just because there's something about them you don't like. Everyone has flaws.

But you need to think that maybe he won't stop drinking beer because it's part of him, so you'll have to accept this fact, or negotiate with him, or think if it annoys you to the point of not being able to be with him anymore.

 

[lovemichelle]

He's the first guy I ever been with (and there has been a lot) that I loved everything about him. I never cared that he drank, but things have been rough lately and he was drinking more. I got myself together and talked to him about it and now it's fine. When I posted I was mad and probably shoulda kept it to myself.

 

[mrstucker]

Alcoholism isn't just something 'others' have to deal with....

My childhood sweetheart was an addict. It doens't matter what (beer, drugs, food....it's all still something that alters a person, isn't it?!?).

Anyway, he was perfect. Kind, gentle, beautiful, caring, sweet, honest, hard working. He made good money, was a good provider and great husband. 95% of the time, I thought I had won the jackpot. 5% of him, well, that was the part that needed to smoke weed . Every day. It wasn't hurting us financially, didn't affect how he did his job, and didn't make him an a$$hole. However, he couldn't go a day without it. I thought it would pass, as he got older. It didn't. It got worse. His excuses were always things like 'this relaxes me', or 'this takes the edge off', or 'this helps me to focus'....Truth is, as his partner, 'I' should have been the person who helped him relax, focus, or take the edge off. His dependance on a substance to get through life was a major sign that I ignored for far too long.

Years later, it came down to a decision. Does this '95% of the time great' relation mean more than my own values and self-worth? The answer was a really difficult 'no'. I cried for months after we split (which was very, very ugly). It took a long time, but I did stick to the belief that I was worth better, I was worth more. Years later, I'm again married to a man who cherishes all of me, and when we argue, we talk (he doesn't depend on drugs or alcohol to 'cope')

I'm so happy now. But most of all, I feel an inner peace, a pride, and a strength that I never did with my ex. It wasn't easy to move on from him, but it was SO worth it. I hope you love yourself more than you love him. If you do, and you need to, you'll see that you are not only worth more, but that you deserve and need more if you want to be fulfilled and happy.

That's my 'Dr. Phil' for today

Sorry to sound so 'motherly', but I get emotional when I see young women making the same mistakes I made....

 

[Cruella]

Michelle,

You can post anything you want but remember that when you do, you might hear things that you don't want to hear. If you want people to blow sunshine up your ass and tell you that things are going to be fine, put a little note saying that in your post.

It sounds like you have had a rough time with guys in the past - a lot of us have been there. We are trying to save you a little heartache by sharing what we have learned from our own experiences. If you can honestly say that you are completely happy with your relationship, then I'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

Before anyone jumps in and says something like "no one is ever completely happy with a relationship," I will say that I am completely and totally happy with my husband. We have been together for 4 years, married for 2 and I'm happier than I have ever been, alone or with anyone else. I was very anti-marriage before we got together and I would never have gotten married if he hadn't come along. I would be the old lady with the cats instead.

All I'm saying is you deserve to be happy

 

[lovemichelle]

I am very happy though. He is the love of my life. I'm not happy 95% of the time it's 100% of the time. We had one bad day and I over did it. Like a typical female and I wish I never said anything because people have the wrong idea. He is not an alcoholic or an addict or any kind. If anything we have an addiction to each other. We spend every single day together and everyday gets better. I made it seem like he’s been drinking every single day for like months. It’s not like that. Maybe for like 4 days or so he had one everyday, but its not like that all the time.

I rather a mod delete this thread. Could they?