Are you a good girlfriend/wife/SO?

[Shimmer]

Reading the relationship deal breaker thread, and the thread about the antifeminism made me wonder:
Am I a good wife? Do I uphold my end of the bargain in this relationship? Do I put "us" before "me"?

I think I am, I think I do, on both counts. There are times I've been selfish but on the most part I think I do a good job.

 

[..kels*]

there are definitely times that i'm selfish but i don't usually realize it until after the fact. it doesn't help that my b/f calls me princess & lets me get my way 99% of the time.

but i do believe that i do my part for our relationship & i try my best to put "us" before "me". i know my limits & i wouldn't do something for myself if i knew it would be the end of us.

 

[MsCuppyCakes]

1. Yes, I'm in it all the way.

 

[Raerae]

Thats a interesting question.

I think relationships are compromise, but, there has to be some give and some take on both sides. You can't be giving 100%, because that can lead to resentment because he's always taking. And the same goes for you, as a good SO, you can't just take everyting because he will feel resentment.

I think it's about balance. Each person brings different things to the table, and takes things from the table. But as long as no one person is taking too much w/out giving enough in return, there will always be enough on the table for everyone. It's ok to want to have things your way, just like it's ok for him to have things his way. And it's even better when you both want something the same way.

I do think that the couples who want more of the same things out of a relationship will be more successful though, as there is more overall satisfaction, because both parties want the same thing.

 

[Shimmer]

True, Raerae, so many women say they want to be treated like a princess and pampered etc., which is good, but I think if one wants that one must give it.

 

[GreekChick]

I give my fair share but I think for the most part...I restrain myself from giving my 100% by fear of getting hurt again. It's just become natural, and if I can change it, it would be great. But I guess once you get used to acting a certain way, there's a lot of work that needs to be done before you can go back to your loving, nurturing self. My current boyfriend hurt me so much in the past...and I *know* it was because I ran after him like a cat chasing a mouse. As soon as I stopped, the roles changed. So I got used to it.
I just think you have to be really inlove with someone to want to give yourself unselfishly.Naturally. Otherwise, it becomes a chore and things start going downhill from there. Personnally, I have become extremely stubborn in admitting whenever I am wrong to him. I was never like that. It's really tearing us apart cause I have been really mean with him. I just cant stop. Its become natural to me, due to the fact that I feel stronger, less vulnerable when I know I'm not up constantly running after him. In my mind I am though.

 

[x20Deepx]

I chose: No, but I'm working on it.

I'm still young and at that stage where I don't really know how not to be selfish in a relationship. I've had a couple flings go really badly because of this, and I've learned quite a few lessons in the process. I'm still growing up.

 

[macface]

I have been hurt alot and till this day it had made me a stronger person I know now how to handle situations now Im really lovable person with alot to give but sometimes I feel scared to show my real feeings.

 

[caffn8me]

I'm resolutely single inspite of numerous offers (even of marriage!). I'm too damned independent to be able to live with someone. I'd make a really bad GF/wife/SO

 

[d_flawless]

i picked "yes, as long as i get my way"

i've got a temper and can be difficult at times because i expect things (not monetary, just attention/support/etc.) but things are great when we're balanced.

 

[sharyn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Reading the relationship deal breaker thread, and the thread about the antifeminism made me wonder:

uuum... sorry if this is a bit OT, but there's a thread about antifeminism? Where is it? I'd love to read it TIA

 

[Raerae]

I also think, in many ways, you look to your parents as an example of how to act in a relationship.

I'm fiercly independent, but that is partly due to the fact the I grew up for many years with a single Mom. On the other hand, I'm very supportive and attentative almost clingy at times when I'm in a relationship. I like holding hands, and having him touch me, or put his arms around me. I'm very physical, and need to be able to feel him. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the below~

My father was from a divorced family, and never learned how to love. So for many many many years he was afraid to open up to me, for fear that someday he might leave my Mom. In his mind he was protecting me from getting hurt. But in reality, he hurt me by doing that because we never really established a bond between the two of us. H's also the type of guy who walks like 10 feet in front of my Mom and I if were out as a group. He doesn't slow his pace. Althought he has gotten a little better at being more aware of that over the years.

As a result I can get very turned off by my SO if he ignores me. Like i've dumped guys I was dating because I didn't get a phone call for like 3-4 days. Or if we did talk, but he didn't want to ve weth me for several days. I literally go from enamored and thinking about someone all the time, wanting to do things for them, be with them etc etc. To not caring at all. And that can happen in like a moments notice.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharyn uuum... sorry if this is a bit OT, but there's a thread about antifeminism? Where is it? I'd love to read it TIA

Chatter page. Shimmer thread, "I'm so Turned off right now" or something like that.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Chatter page. Shimmer thread, "I'm so Turned off right now" or something like that.

I just don't know what to say to this...

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I also think, in many ways, you look to your parents as an example of how to act in a relationship. I'm fiercly independent, but that is partly due to the fact the I grew up for many years with a single Mom. On the other hand, I'm very supportive and attentative almost clingy at times when I'm in a relationship. I like holding hands, and having him touch me, or put his arms around me. I'm very physical, and need to be able to feel him. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the below~ My father was from a divorced family, and never learned how to love. So for many many many years he was afraid to open up to me, for fear that someday he might leave my Mom. In his mind he was protecting me from getting hurt. But in reality, he hurt me by doing that because we never really established a bond between the two of us. H's also the type of guy who walks like 10 feet in front of my Mom and I if were out as a group. He doesn't slow his pace. Althought he has gotten a little better at being more aware of that over the years. As a result I can get very turned off by my SO if he ignores me. Like i've dumped guys I was dating because I didn't get a phone call for like 3-4 days. Or if we did talk, but he didn't want to ve weth me for several days. I literally go from enamored and thinking about someone all the time, wanting to do things for them, be with them etc etc. To not caring at all. And that can happen in like a moments notice.

But do you devote the attention your SO needs to him while still allowing him his space?

 

[Shimmer]

And, y'all, this isn't just about "OH, I don't mind if he plays poke/wii/ff/WOW, as long as he does ____ with me".
It's also about retaining the sexuality (it IS important to guys) that was present in the beginning of the relationship, and about being adventurous and interesting, and sexy, and mysterious, while stilll being the gf/wife/so.
That is a HARD line to walk...because, as in my case, I spend ALL DAY with little mongrels wanting/needing s omething from me. I'm hugged (love 'em), touched, patted, called, talked to, and related to on a very childish (childlike really) basis because I'm around a 2 year old and a 4 year old all day long. Then the other three get home, and I'm supermom again, so the idea at the end of the day of shucking all the responsibility related to mom and turning into supervixen is really difficult. BUT, given that sex is an integral part of our (and any) relationship, I have to walk that line to keep us healthy.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer But do you devote the attention your SO needs to him while still allowing him his space?

Depends on if his idea of space is losing his phone for 3 days.

But I think this goes back to the give and take part of the relationship. And thats where communication is key. I think it's important for a parter to know what your likes/dislikes are, and to be aware of them. While you also being aware of his.

 

[Shimmer]

No communication for three days = pretty much the end of the relationship IMO.
Unless he's deployed or on Survivor Island, there's no reason, in this day and age, to go three days incomunicado.

 

[user79]

I think I am a good g/f but there's always room for self-improvement.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer No communication for three days = pretty much the end of the relationship IMO. Unless he's deployed or on Survivor Island, there's no reason, in this day and age, to go three days incomunicado.

Yeh he had escuses about it and got made at me because I thought it was a big deal. Granted it was a faily new relationship at the time and only a few months old, still.