Dear Kotex...

[Shimmer]

Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. .and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

 

[bellaetoile]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

word. best suggestion ever. i don't want some fake happy words reminding me of how CRAPPY i feel, i want something that will just make it go away, lol. if i wanted advice, i'd buy a box of fortune cookies, along with my pads, thank you very much.

 

[Another Janice!]

Have a happy period!

Edited to add....Always sent me a bunch of free crap...liners, stickers and a post it note pad. All with "Have a Happy Period" on them.

Those suckers met the trash as soon as I walked in the door!

 

[Indigowaters]

Wow. Somebody's on. Good advice though.

 

[AllINeedIsMac]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Dear Kotex, I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as: *Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. *Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. *Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. *Try Kotex blah blah blah other products... Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. .and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity????? Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates. Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass! P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

YOU ARE TOO FUNNY! I am on the shot, so I don't get that anymore, but I'm getting off of it soon, and I will be on my period for like 6 months STRAIGHT after that!

 

[Katura]

oh shimmmer....you gave me the best laugh of my morning!

 

[Shimmer]

Oh no, I'm not on yet, a friend of mine sent that to me and I nearly spit ice all over my screen!!

 

[Juneplum]

 

[salvador4dali]

shimmer, that is too funny! You hit the nail on its head!! I'm gonna have to get all my girlfriends (and even guys just so they know what we go through!) to join specktra just to read that post! You've made my day! hehe

 

[MAC_Whore]

Too funny! I just get sooo annoyed to think that Kotex wants to advertise on my panty liner. Good Lord! What's next? Adds on IUDs?

This reminds me of a cheesy joke I heard:

4 young neighborhood boys are hanging around on a lazy summer day. They can't think of a thing to do. To make things worse, they put all of their change together and only came up with $5.50.

Then one exclaims, "I know what we can do!" So he goes to the store and uses the $5.50 to buy a box of tampons. Then he explains to his confused friends, "The commercial says that with these you can go swimming, play tennis and ride horses."

Isn't that a crap joke??

 

[sweetmelissa]

Shimmer-I love you! That is one of the best posts ever! I am lmbo! I was agog at the fact that Kotex actually put helpful tips like that out but then I read this:

Quote:

All with "Have a Happy Period" on them.

Please tell me that someone didn't actually use this phrase! Clearly this was a man's idea, lol!

 

[Shimmer]

My brother's wife has problems with pregnancy and spent a fair bit of time prior to getting pregnant under the care of an OBGYN.

This OBGYN actually told my SIL that...
Y'all get ready for this...


PMS is 99% mentally brought on and pretty much completely in a woman's head. It's a psychosomatic response brought about because it's something women are 'supposed' to have.




......

what?


My SIL didn't change dr's and my freaking brother BOUGHT INTO IT and argued it with me. I told him that until such point in time as his uterus started spitting blood for a week every month and his ovaries started revolting and his emotions went haywire I wasn't having the discussion with him.

Then, I found out..
The OBGYN?

Yeah, it was a WOMAN.

 

[aquarius11]

OMG, I nearly peed myself reading this! Too funny.

Shimmer, you always know how to start a good laugh around here! I love it, and I find myself acting like a stray dog in heat waiting to see what "funny" you're going to post next, lol!

 

[Shimmer]

lol I have a few gems I can share of the same vein.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Who in the hell's idea was this shit? Let's give a woman a f-in' uterus, some handle-bar like tubes comin' off it, and smack some "ovaries" on the end, so she can MAKE BABIES. Yeah! Good idea!! NO! F**K NO! Alright, to start off...yeah, I'm pregnant. And no, not the "Shit the condom broke, and I don't even know his name, how the hell am I gonna finish middle school now?" kinda pregnant. The pregnant by someone I knew I wanted to have children with, spend the rest of my life with, and consequently got married to, kinda pregnant. (And no, we didn't get hitched because of the rugrat to be, we didn't even know at the time...) *Ahem* Anyway - although I do know for sure that I want to be a parent, can't we just skip this part? I mean really? Can my hubby and I trade off month for month? Why? Here's why: 1. I HATE my favorite food. Yet I eat things a goat would puke at the thought of. 2. Anyone need a pool toy? Well, you can use my pasty, white bloated ass. Breathing makes me bloat. THINKING about breathing makes me bloat. 3. I am the definition of bitch. Look in the dictionary. (I'll wait while you dig it out and dust it off.) Good? Ok, now flip to the B's. Yeah, there, the picture next to bitch? Thats yours truly! 4. Suddenly I have narcolepsy. I fall asleep while sleeping! My bedtime is now 5:30pm. Most of the time I'm not even home from work yet. (Sorry to the guy I almost swerved into on the highway yesterday!) 5. Mysterious aches and twitches. If it weren't for the date on my driver's license, I would honestly believe I'm 60. WTF? I can't even bend over anymore! 6. Nausea. Know what if feels like to be just one shot off praying to the porcelain goddess all night on a night out with the girls? Imagine that ALL day, sans the night o' fun. 7. Stretch marks. Geeeeezus. I'm not even SHOWING and I'm getting stretch marks. I'm gonna look like an albino tiger by the time this is all over. 8. Zits. Holy Clean & Clear, Batman! My fingernails get zits. My zits get zits. Go ahead, change your face wash, I dare ya. 9. Migraines. At least for me. Jiminy cricket, I know there is increased blood, but does it ALL have to do to my head, atthesametime? 10. Gas. As in walking farts. And not just walking farts, sleeping farts, cuddling with the husband farts, working farts, driving farts, and farting farts. Adopt. Save yourself. There are millions of children out there that need you. Take it from a Prego.

This one made me hurt.

 

[Shimmer]

Hey, you little runts.

I just want to take a moment, here at 28 years of age, well before the conception of your conception even begins to occur, to drop on you the first of what I’m sure will be thousands of guilt trips. And even this early, it’s been a long time coming.

I will begin by saying: for you and only you—not my parents, not my ancestors, not your cousins or future countrymen—do I endure. YOU. JUST YOU are the beneficiary of my plight. So goddammit, you betta reckinize.

This past week I accepted two roommates into my space. With them came 6 rolls of toilet paper. I just tore into #3 of 6. For you. You know why? Because my period, which is your direct predecessor, will not go away. Even though it began a good 5 days ago, it’s still around. I’m using twice as much toilet paper as my two female roommates COMBINED, because not only am I dropping out all kinds of uterine lining each pee, but the stomach cramps caused by the period send off false poo alarms, which sit me down on the toilet probably 3 times more than usual.

But honestly, my precious ones, TP is the last of my worries. How about the near-hemorrhoidal state of my asshole, both because of the water retention and the stressed-out coffee dependence that this uterus-renewing causes every month? How about the ingrown pubic hair that turns into a tumor right before I bleed? And the cramps? Holy shit, the cramps. Once I fainted. Often I feel like puking. One time I collapsed from the cramping. Wriiiithing in pain, sweating: this is me every first couple days of my period. The amount of ibuprofen I’ve sucked down on account of you twerps, I’ll probably wind up with liver cancer. But as any (pre-)mother would, I suffer. For you.

Take it back a couple of days, into the premenstrual phase, and I’m ready to shoot myself. This past month, I could literally be quoted saying, “I’m bored… Oh, with life,” only to temper it for my friends’ sake with “not bored like Sylvia Plath bored… just bored.” (Yes, I know Plath had some matronly issues, which is a bit ironic, but take it as a suicide reference.) Of course, I wasn’t serious; I want to keep pressing on because I’ve got this vision of some quaint family life ahead of me. So... tears. Insecurity. Bitterness. Anger. Stress. For a week or so. Peering over the edge, but just teetering. Because? Because I can feel myself getting fatter and my boobs getting sore and heavy and my gums swelling, and I know what’s coming to relieve it all: my fertility bomb.

Yeah, so I’m complaining about something all women go through, and for millennia they’ve all survived their monthly crisis and never had much of a problem. Well, here’s what I say. Fuck that. I’m gonna complain to my heart’s content. You know why? Because once I pop you brats out, I’m gonna (1) be dealing with pain far worse than even my debilitating cramps and (2) be so overjoyed and grateful and disgustingly bursting with love that I’ll completely forget to remind you that for 18 years and counting, you have caused me to hate 3 out of every 4 weeks of my life (PMS=2 wks easily).

We won’t even go into the whole weeding-out process to find your father. That I’ll tell you in person.

Love always,
Mom

 

[NutMeg]

^^^ Oh dear, I think I may have let out a small amount of pee whilst laughing my ass off.

 

[Raerae]

haha, best rants ever LOL!!!

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.

oh, don't forget that absorbency strength in HUGE green letters. just so everyone in the store can not only know that we're on the rag, but just how terrible and draining it really is.

 

[moonrevel]

Hahah, this thread is cracking me up! When I was in middle school, my mother bought me a book about becoming a woman. It was the most hilarious book ever, because it had things like career advice, beauty tips, and warnings about sleeping with older men. Anyway...one of the chapters was, of course, devoted to getting one's period, and it was full of advice like: "Don't mourn your period! Enjoy it! It is a symbol of your ability to give life!" And, you know, sure, it is, but I don't really need a thoroughly unpleasant monthly reminder of that. As for pad and tampon wrappers, I was so happy when Always redid their packaging a few years ago on their pads because some of them actually weren't girly colors like pale pink, yellow, and peach. I wish they would make the boxes and the wrappers all black or brown. I don't need some damned frilly wrapper to sit there and tell me how happy and girly my period should make me feel. Okay, pardon my rant.