Did I handle this correctly...? Help.

[Chikky]

Here's the short story:

All this last semester, when I was in school, every Tuesday my guy and I would meet at his house, he'd either buy my or make me dinner, and we'd watch House, The Mentalist, and The Shield. Thursdays were the same: I'd get off work, we'd get dinner, and watch CSI. Every Monday night and Wednesday night he'd say 'You're coming over, right?' or 'Do you want to come over?'. Well, pretty soon it just sort of seemed implied, but I'd still ask, just in case.

Then I'd feel like a burden for continuing to ASK every couple nights, like I felt like a bother.

I guess alot of it hearkens back to elementary and high school (yes, about 13 years past that...) when I had zero friends. No one wanted me around. They'd LIE to me so I wouldn't show up at places. Even now, at my workplace, I feel the same way. Every girl but ME is in a huge clique that hang out almost every night. I'm just older than all of them, and we don't like doing the same things... Maybe it's me.

Anyhow, that's another story. This story is that I think it's my issue. I really do not know how to deal with the fact that someone might want to hang out with me. I constantly feel like a burden, or like he thinks I'm a loser or that he feels bad for me so he'll let me come over alot.

So last night I said nothing. I didn't ask if he wanted to hang out, and he didn't either. I do realize that it's Christmas time and he's really busy right now... So that always made me feel worse about ASKING to hang out.

But I feel completely awful; like crying. I feel unwanted again, and I KNOW it's not really his fault. I'm socially awkward because of my school and work experiences.

But was I right in not asking him about tonight? What should I say when I talk to him later tonight??

I feel awful that I wasted this night. Maybe he'll think *I* don't want to hang out with him, since I didn't ask.

I'm really sad... in more than one way.

 

[blindpassion]

Sweety if you're in a relationship, I doubt its a bother to him.
Its just a given that when you're with someone, you see them every few days or nights.
Thats what a relationship is.
Don't feel bad.
My boyfriend and I spend a ridiculous amount of time together haha, but we love it and never tire of each other. We never ask anymore, it just obvious to each other.

 

[Chikky]

I know, I guess... I don't know.

I mean, he's my first relationship. Yes, I'm almost 30 and I'd never had another relationship. Like I said, school was awful for me, and being constantly made fun of or ignored or lied to really sort of damaged me. Plus I'm sure that my insecurity really hurts my relationship with him.

I don't know what it's like to... have someone want me near them (besides family). Really, I know this all sounds stupid. I just really don't know what to do. I'm hurt. And mad. And it's probably my own fault.

I really wanted to see him tonight. I had plans... :'(

What should I say to him later tonight online??




...I should have just invited myself... *angry*

 

[blindpassion]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chikky I know, I guess... I don't know. I mean, he's my first relationship. Yes, I'm almost 30 and I'd never had another relationship. Like I said, school was awful for me, and being constantly made fun of or ignored or lied to really sort of damaged me. Plus I'm sure that my insecurity really hurts my relationship with him. I don't know what it's like to... have someone want me near them (besides family). Really, I know this all sounds stupid. I just really don't know what to do. I'm hurt. And mad. And it's probably my own fault. I really wanted to see him tonight. I had plans... :'( What should I say to him later tonight online?? ...I should have just invited myself... *angry*

How long have you two been together hun?

 

[snowflakelashes]

Wish I had advice but I'm not only relationship, but friendship clueless as well! Hope you figure things out and feel better soon though.

 

[joey444]

Why don't you just talk to him about how you're feeling? If you're in a relationship, there's nothing more valuable than open communication and you being able to express how you feel (no matter what your past experiences.)

 

[Chikky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion How long have you two been together hun?

*sighs* Well, if you want another short story...

I've known him for about 13 years. We were friends, and then one day more. We never announced anything official. He'd been so hurt by the last GF (I was there throughout that whole relationship, so I know for sure how it was) and he got really REALLY seriously sick, he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship. So, you know, I never asked again. We just fell into what we are (though I still tell people we're just friends most times... But I kinda shy away from 'labels' and am embarrassed by them). So, for over four years he's been my best friend, my lover, my one and only friend really.

He's supportive and caring, he even took me to Florida this past summer to go to his sister's! He's really with me every step of the way.

...there really is a long story to all this.

So, what the heck. 4 years maybe? I don't do 'anniversaries'.

...Man, I suck...

 

[photogeek]

Hey-- first of all, if you've known each other for that long and are still getting together, having things to talk about, enjoying each other's company, etc. (which it sounds like you are) then of course he likes you

You don't stay friends or become more (esp. over 10+ years) if you don't care about someone, you know? I'm tired, so sorry if I'm a little muddled, but try to take a step back from this one night and put this in perspective-- list out the facts for yourself: you've known each other for quite a long time, you've both been there for each other through the hard times as well as good, you enjoy each other's company so much that you both like spending time together pretty frequently, and on and on.
If this were another couple we were talking about (not you two, but say you were reading about a specktra-ette with this same background) then it would probably be much easier for you to see what the facts say.

People don't stay friends that long out of anything other than genuine feelings-- if you don't like someone's company, then you don't (voluntarily) spend a good deal of your time with them, there's no way that this guy is just with you out of 'obligation'/'pity'/etc. if you step back and try to look at the relationship more objectively.

Okay- so sorry for rambling, now to the part that I really want to make sure you hear and think about honestly: have you ever tried therapy or talking to a counselor? Having someone to listen and work out these insecurities and figure out how you can deal with them on a day to day basis can make such a huge difference in all aspects of your life. You can also talk about your relationship and talk out your fears and worries to someone who is totally objective and maybe can help you see things and yourself from a new perspective.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Chikky ...Man, I suck...

One thing that worries me about your posts is how negative you are toward yourself-- you need to stop putting yourself down! You've had enough of that crap in your life and the last thing you need is to be repeating it back to yourself as fact-- because it's NOT. I really think that talking to someone could help you so much (am speaking from personal and close friends/family's experience). Just because this is the way you've felt about yourself and your relationships up until now doesn't mean that it's always going to be this way forever- changing/growing as a person doesn't just stop when you hit 20 or 30, I'm sure you have a lot to offer but it's gonna take some work to get to the point where you can recognize your value as a person, and as a part of a couple.

I'm so sorry if I sound like a self-help book or dr.(gag)phil or like I'm giving you a pep talk-- it's just hard for me to read about someone who sounds so familiar without wanting to give you a hug and kick your patootie to therapy like I'd do with any friend in person.

meg

ps- this one off night does not negate a 13 year friendship and close relationship, hope you can see that when you have a little space from it.

 

[blindpassion]

I agree with photogreek, its important to be positive about yourself... if you aren't happy and loving yourself, it will be impossible to be happy and loving in a relationship. Just my two cents

 

[Chikky]

I know... I know he cares. He shows me just about every day. And he's constantly supportive. We love each other very much (though I can't vouch for his 'in love' status, I'd like to think so). We're monogamous, and... Just together.

But again, I think it's me. I do not know how to handle someone wanting to be around me. I just don't. So I feel awful when, like tonight, he did not call me to come over and I didn't ask. I don't WANT to have to ask. I want to be wanted.

But I don't want to smother him, either.

Either way, he wasn't thrilled with me tonight. He knew I was in a bad mood and wanted to know what was wrong. He also said he 'could have kept practicing' (his piano) instead of coming on to talk to me.

So no matter what I do, I just am not good with relationships of any kind. I'm not used to it. I guess that's why I literally only have him as a friend and no one else (my only childhood friend and I now only speak once every few months, if that). So I probably turn him off by worrying, (about being clingy, about him, about other things) or by feeling down like I did tonight. (Not like I do it alot... But I could tell he was really annoyed. I just did everything wrong tonight.) He even asked me if I was on medication tonight (I do take meds for multiple chronic conditions) because my train of thought on something was 'not common'.

Pretty soon, he'll tire of me I bet.

 

[blindpassion]

Hun if you think negatively and assume he will tire of you, then he will.
Its all about positivity. You need to take your life into your own hands and shape it the way you want it.

I would definitely consider seeing a therapist or a counselor, just to talk about your issues and your insecurities, I could see it benefiting you greatly.

Things that happen early in life will no doubt cause issues for you, but it shouldn't be weighing so hard on your mind this many years past.

I hope you find it within yourself to start loving yourself and seeing someone who can help you along that path.

 

[photogeek]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion I hope you find it within yourself to start loving yourself and seeing someone who can help you along that path.

Thanks BP, this is what I was trying to say but couldn't phrase so well, so please try to take it in, k?

You didn't mention the therapy suggestion so I'm not sure what you think about it, but as much as we can try to help you sort things out here (and trust me please that we do genuinely care.), having a person to talk to in real life is going to help you 1,000x more than we can here.
I'm totally not saying that you should stop coming here by the way-- I'd just love to see you take care of yourself in real life and realize that you're worth it. Please do keep posting

.

The first steps of finding someone and getting to that first appointment are by FAR the hardest, I've been there and stalled for much too long and let myself suffer much, much longer than I ever had to for it-- so here's how to go about finding someone to talk to (well, some options):

- Talk to your general practitioner and ask for a referral, they can probably give you a list of people 'in network' covered by your insurance and probably knows some of them so it's not like picking someone blindly. If you don't know how to ask then say something like 'I've been having a bit of a rough time lately and a friend suggested I talk to someone, do you know any good therapists in the area?' and I'm sure the GP will be happy to help.

- Look on your insurance card/call the 800 number for the company/look on their website and you'll be able to ask about or find a list of providers in your area. Most insurance companies have a phone number or website where you can look up these things, and it's so easy to do.

- Community health centers usually have therapists or even social workers who you can see on a sliding scale without insurance, it just takes a little more hunting. You'd want to be either asking your doc about any community behavioral health centers or checking in the phone book and calling around. I personally hate calling people, but have had to do it plenty in the past few years for this kind of thing and the best way to do it is to write yourself a little list of questions you want to ask (like below) and have a notepad and pen handy to jot things down. No harm in calling places, they don't know you, they can't see you, if it's not what your looking for or something then as soon as you hang up you never have to talk to that person again-- it's actually a great tool, the phone, lol.

- Now the part I personally dislike is actually calling the Drs offices, but that's just me and is totally irrational and I've mostly gotten over it, lol-- all you have to do is set aside a little bit of time during the day to call down your list of therapists and ask if they 1) take your insurance, 2) are accepting new patients, 3) how long the wait is for new patients to get started. If they aren't accepting new patients (which happens sometimes, a therapist can only handle so much too) then either move on to the next person on your list or ask the office you're talking to if they have any suggestions of other Drs in the area who might be accepting patients. They're usually happy to help, but don't take it personally if you meet and overhurried/btchy receptionist who isn't that helpful because that's not your fault they're having a rough day and are a jerk about it-- just move on and don't get discouraged.

Please remember that nobody is judging you for thinking about therapy-- you'd be shocked at the number of people you know who talk to someone on a regular basis or to help them through rough patches in their lives. It's a totally legit and normal thing to do and doesn't say anything about you except that you care enough about yourself and are smart enough to use the tools available to take care of yourself.

K, so I've been typing forever and am gonna go

but I hope you can read this with an open mind and at least think about it.
Hope to hear more from you,
meg

 

[florabundance]

I have so many things to tell you hon, so if this all comes out super inarticulate then just ignore it lol.
It sounds like you're afraid of rejection, and gosh, i relate to that so much!
It's not uncommon, nor is there ANYTHING wrong with. I suspect that even if you had a huge group of friends like these other girls you speak of, that innate fear of rejection would still exist.
It could be a confidence issue, or it could be that you were an only child, or maybe the youngest child...a variety of things, maybe in some aspect you feel you don't measure up, or that you haven't measured up in the past. But I don't think that your BF is the main issue. You know he cares for you, but you always feel like you need to question that right? To test it, so that you can feel secure when he assures you?
You know, I would love to know why I am like that..the slightest, most casual thing - like a forgotten phone call and i'm super upset and deflated and wondering what i did or said.
It is so so common, and you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. Of course, that doesn't necessarily change it..but the fact that I can recognise that I am that way helps me to overcome it. To rely on myself more..and trust people and be open with them, but to ultimately be ok with myself, you know?
Ok, this maybe made no sense. But this is what I thought of when I read your post.
I hope it was even a small help.

 

[Chikky]

Wow. I thank you all for your suggestions.

I'm not sure that therapy will make me less socially awkward, though... Really, I'm not depressed, I just have days that are so stressful and I feel just so down. Though I'm not against therapy. It's just hard when I go to school and work and I do 8 am to 10 pm straight through most days. Some days I get done earlier, like 7 or 8, but that's still hard to fit in, heh. But we'll see.

And I'm not an only child, I do have a wonderful brother whom I love. And he's the anti me. He's outgoing and has a million friends and a lot of close friends that I actually consider my brothers, also.

I guess my formative years were just spent with such... mean girls and boys. I live in a tiny town (I'm talking less than 2,000 population) and you were either cool, or a pariah. So I'm just socially stunted. *shrugs* And I'm not like the girls at work. I don't like going where they go or doing what they do, nor do I have enough money to do so. We all work at the same place, but I have lots of medical bills to pay.

So, we'll see. I appreciate all the comments, though. Keep them coming if you think of anything else. Thanks.

PS - I'm not shutting down anyone's suggestion. I'm taking them all to heart. Thank you.

PPS - Flora, it made perfect sense.