I've had an ED before as well. Only anorexia, never bulimia, but I know how awful it is to always be constantly fighting it. I relapse sometimes as well. Only in times of high stress and depression, because unlike others who may cope by eating comfort food, I cope by not eating so that I have some amount of control when my world is spiraling out of control. Now that I know why, it's easier to figure out when I am in danger of a relapse. I have particular triggers. I also have poor confidence (I can't accept compliments well) and image issues (I don't consider myself attractive at all and there's a nagging thought in the back of my mind that when people compliment me, they're just being nice), that probably add to it, but the control thing is the worst.
The first time I had it was when I was 14, I was a sophomore in high school. I just got a controlling bf.. and family drama was insane (my mother is schizophrenic and her episodes were horrible at the time and my parents fought endlessly)... and I slowly stopped buying as much food, with the thought in my head that I was "saving" my lunch money. This was just an excuse I used to starve myself though. This lasted about 6 months. I would eat half of my breakfast or less. Anymore than half, I would feel like a failure for the rest of the day. Lunch, no food. Dinner was the only meal I really ate. I also took a lot of kung fu at this time. Near the end of this 6 months, I had dropped down to 85 pounds as I slowly cut out more breakfast and dinner. However, because of the people and friends I have that love me, I was finally able to snap out of it and get out of that relationship and I recovered quickly. I wish I could have gone to therapy, but talking to my friends, instead of bottling it all inside helped me regain the control I needed in my life. I also did not want my family knowing. None of them know that I struggled with this.
The next worst episode was when I was 18 after I broke up with a guy I had been in a serious relationship for 5.5 months who had made me feel so beautiful and appreciated that I think it is only within that time period that I was totally free of the ED voices. The break-up was entirely due to circumstances not in my control, once again. The shock of losing a person that made me truly feel gorgeous and appreciated caused me to relapse (btw, I know it sounds like I depended on this person to feel good about my body and image, but that's not the case, his love for me made me learn to love myself, flaws and all). I lost 15 pounds in a week and looked so ill, pale, sick, and tired that my friends came again to my aid. I just wouldn't eat it seemed because I wanted to be in control again when my feelings were reeling.
The worst feeling is when I have no control in my life, I want to relapse and take comfort in not eating. It's the strangest feeling and somewhat addicting. I actually like the feeling of hunger. I know it's strange, but it's part of those "voices" that will never leave me. And yes, saving money, has often been my "reason" that it's okay to starve myself. I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, but I have coping, control issues, and self-esteem issues, and that's how I struggle with mine.
I'm here for you. I understand how you feel. I don't believe it's possible to ever fully recover. But I know it's possible to push away that temptation as long as you find ways to cope, people who love you, and things to focus on, so you won't focus on your body, your perception of yourself, or the lack of control you have. I want all of the best for you and I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not alone in this struggle, I want you to fight it and always come out winning, because even if you do not feel it, you are a beautiful and wonderful person. Do not give up, I know you can and will help yourself find a way to live with this. I encourage you to find the right help you need. And you have found one way so far, by coming here and confiding in us.
