Engagement/Wedding rings: who picks 'em?

[MAC_Pixie04]

Just a thought. I know a lot of you are engaged, married, or close to getting engaged. My boyfriend and I have seriously talked about getting engaged and getting married. I started looking at rings online, just for sport, and he saw me looking and agreed that we should visit the jeweler and see what's out there. So we went, and by the way, amazing experience. The people were super friendly, made us feel at home, and made everything really personal. They offered some really great services, complimentary with the purchase of a ring.

But I digress...

While I was there, a lot of couples were there, doing the same thing we were. Picking their engagement rings and wedding bands together. I know traditionally, the guy is supposed to go and pick the ring and surprise the woman with it when he proposes, and I'd be happy with anything my boyfriend picked out for me because it's something that comes from him. But he felt that I should have some input on it because it's the ring I'll have to wear for the rest of my life. And actually, the diamond specialist we sat down with agreed and said it's really getting more common for couples to get engaged, and then pick out the engagment rings and wedding bands together, rather than the traditional way.

Mind you, I had no intention on going and picking out the biggest ring in the store, or overwhelming him with talks of prices and carat weights and blah blah blah. He actually seemed really comfortable, and was happy with his choice. I was the one sweating and stuttering like a fool. But he kept saying "Babe, it's your ring, not mine. Pick the one you like." Afterward he said he was really glad "we did this." He wanted me to be included, which I thought was really special. So basically, I'm picking it out and giving input on what kind of ring I want, but when he actually proposes and gives it to me will be a surprise.


So, do you think it should still be traditional and a surprise to the woman? Or should the experience be shared between the couple? Is it weird that the fiancee-to-be is there when the ring is picked out and purchased?

Update:
My dream ring is no more =(. Unfortunately because I wear such a big ring size, they couldn't size the ring I wanted because opening it up to widen the band caused this "bridge" type structure that holds up the center setting to crack, which would have caused the setting to fall off, and they can't order the ring in a bigger size because the designer doesn't make it anymore. The jeweler said he wasn't comfortable sizing the ring if that would happen, because the ring would essentially just be ruined. I'm so upset, I loved that ring, it was so unique and beautiful, and we couldn't find anything in the store that was even close to being as pretty. On the plus side, the manager said he could have his master jeweler replicate the ring without the "bridge" part underneath my setting (unfortunately, that's the part I liked dammit!) and without as many sidestones, and he'll start out by making the band my size so that setting it won't be an issue. He says he'll guarantee that it'll be the same price or less than what he paid for the initial ring we wanted, and if it ends up costing more, they'll work it out. So it's kind of like having my ring custom made, which is great, but I know it won't be like the one I wanted. Everytime I want something, it's an issue of size! Shoes, clothes, jewelry, BLAH!

 

[fafinette21]

I think it's a good idea for the person proposing to either go with partner to the store or look at some pictures on the internet or something for the general style of the ring. For example, round diamond or square diamond, what colour band, etc. You are going to be wearing it for the rest of your life so you would want something you at least like.
As for the wedding bands, I think it would be good to go together because your bands should match.
But the proposal and being given the ring should definitely still be a surprise! Just because you know what you are being given doesn't make the giving any less special.

And congrats on your soon-to-be engagement

 

[Beauty Mark]

I think it's fine to ring shop together. In principle, you're wearing that the rest of your life. Also, some people simply do not know your taste (so many women opt for something classic, regardless of personal dress style) and sure wouldn't know your ring size.

My S.O. drew a ring, with my input. We discussed all the factors (cost, metal used, gemstones). I think it was more fun this way. He got to do some stuff he likes (designing for people), it took away the edge of screwing up (one of his ideas was an octopus tentacle ring; I wouldn't have rejected the proposal, but I wouldn't want to wear the ring), and it was like how marriage should be: input from all parties. I really like the ring he's designed (in principle; we're waiting to hear back from the shop in terms of cost). I would've been happy with something very plain, safe, and simple, too, but I really like that this ring is unique looking. I think collaborating makes it easier to do something different without the risk of spending lots of money on something the other person may not like.

Also, when we went to the jeweler, we went to a family owned place that explained everything in thorough detail. We learned a lot about gemstones, metals, and finishes on metals. Seeing different things and learning about the options actually made us change our minds. If you're wondering, I originally wanted an aquamarine or sapphire, but we went with a blue zircon, because we liked the shade better.

I think the surprise factor can be nice, but at the same time, I can see it adding stress to the guy. I'm guessing that, as well as the marketing, is why diamond solitaires are so popular.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fafinette21 But the proposal and being given the ring should definitely still be a surprise! Just because you know what you are being given doesn't make the giving any less special. And congrats on your soon-to-be engagement

Thanks! Good thing he doesn't know how to access Specktra...i'm not supposed to be telling anyone, but none of you guys are gonna tell on me right? lol

Anyway, it's always been that way for us. We don't exactly surprise each other with gifts, he likes to know exactly what I want, and vice versa. So I'll mention something I want or like, and whenever the occasion arises (christmas, b-day, anniversary whatever) I usually get it. And same goes for him. We don't mind it that way lol. But there was one time he was able to get me really really good. I wanted a blowdryer for christmas last year, and we went shopping and he bought one in front of me. Of course I knew it was mine! A few weeks later, we were wrapping gifts together, and he handed me the blowdryer. I was about to thank him and he goes "This is my mom's, I need it wrapped before she gets here or she'll see it!" Of course I pouted the entire time I wrapped it, and pretty much for about an hour afterward. Then on Christmas when he gave me my gift, the box was the exact box I wrapped, but the tag still said "To Mom Love, Andy" on it! lol It was so cute!

 

[..kels*]

me & my boyfriend were actually discussing this the other day. first he said that it should be done the traditional way - he should know me well enough to get the perfect ring. but personally, i like the idea of making it a joint decision. i think it would be a nice experience to share, like you've said it was. i pointed out to my b/f that it's something i'd be wearing the rest of my life, & while i'd love anything he picked out for me, i'd rather have something we chose together. congrats by the way!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 A few weeks later, we were wrapping gifts together, and he handed me the blowdryer. I was about to thank him and he goes "This is my mom's, I need it wrapped before she gets here or she'll see it!" Of course I pouted the entire time I wrapped it, and pretty much for about an hour afterward. Then on Christmas when he gave me my gift, the box was the exact box I wrapped, but the tag still said "To Mom Love, Andy" on it! lol It was so cute!

that is the cutest thing ever.

 

[MACForME]

I really enjoyed the fact that my hubby did it all on his own. he knew enough about me to really be able to pick the right ring. After the proposal, we went wedding band shopping together.. which was ALOT of fun..

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

The place we went to had sets, where the engagement ring and wedding band came together, but they hold onto the band for you until the proposal is finalized and you get closer to the wedding day. But he didn't wanna do it that way, he wanted it to be really special. However, we won't get to shop for a band for me, because the particular ring he got would just look really overpowering if i wore it with a band. We'll probably shop together for his band, I'd like it if they matched.

 

[Brittni]

I am way too damn picky to let my future hubby choose my finger since I'm going to have it forever LOL and I'm sure my future hubby will know, love, and respect that about me......so I will make sure I tell him repeatedly the kind of band I want for the engagement, and then we'll pick an actual wedding ring together.

Congrats Pixie

 

[Nox]

CONGRATULATIONS!

When my husband proposed to me, he didn't have the ring, which was fine with me and he knew that. He was just so excited that he couldn't wait to go to the jeweler before popping the question. It was just the two of us, in my car, no big production, no stage theatrics, just me and him. Which was good.

We went together to pick out my ring. I did not want a huge traditional center stone, nor did I want anything to do with diamonds. The ring I ended up picking out was one-of-a-kind, something nobody had ever seen on another ladies hand before, it was understated, it was simple, and I absolutely loved it.

I was glad it worked out that way because, had he got me a prominent diamond, I would have been very dissatisfied. Not to knock the big-bobble wearers, an older woman can wear hers with grace but I find it to look rather tacky on a young woman's hand.

 

[concertina]

My husband and I knew for a long time we wanted to be married. So we shopped together before he every really officially asked me!

I have very odd hands; long, slender fingers on a large hand for a woman. Rings that looked good on other women look *horrible* on my fingers; my husband was quickly convinced I needed to be part of the process.

We picked the setting together, but finding the diamond was something he did completely on his own. He got completely immersed in diamond research and really shopped around for a long time.

And my official proposal (with the completed ring I hadn't seen yet) was a completely surprise.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having input on the ring *you* will wear for the rest of your life. I know so many women who really don't like their engagement rings, but don't feel comfortable telling their husband's 'I don't like the ring you really thought I would'.

Its more practical, and takes away some of the 'romance' I suppose...but honestly, marriage *ISN'T* all romance. You can still make the experience of shopping together a romantic one.

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

My husband and I picked out my ring together, evidently I am very picky...hmm who knew?
My brother did something completely different for my SIL though, he bought a diamond on a simple band for the proposal, and then they shopped for the set together. The store had agreed beforehand to take the band back as a credit, and the diamond was the eventual center stone for her set! That way she was completely surprised and still got to pick out the set she wanted! I thought that was wicked sweet!

 

[rbella]

Congratulations!!!

I don't think it matters. I think it is personal preference and what is important for the both of you. I didn't care about the ring b/c I love Mr. Rbella and he could have given me a plastic one for all I care.

However, he did ask, nonchalantly, over a long period of time different questions regarding my preferences in shape, etc.

He ended up choosing the diamond and designing the setting and choosing my two wedding bands. He did a great job and I was shocked at his taste. It is truly beautiful.

So, keep in mind he might just surprise you!

 

[*Stargazer*]

DH and I went together to pick out the stone for my engagement ring and he knew what types of settings I like. I ended up with a perfect, traditional ring that many people would turn their noses up at, but I love it.

I picked out wedding bands. I am super picky about jewelry and he does not care other than he didn't want anything more than basic.

Congrats on the soon to be engagement!

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Also, when we went to the jeweler, we went to a family owned place that explained everything in thorough detail. We learned a lot about gemstones, metals, and finishes on metals. Seeing different things and learning about the options actually made us change our minds. If you're wondering, I originally wanted an aquamarine or sapphire, but we went with a blue zircon, because we liked the shade better.

This is a great point. I really wanted a round sapphire and ended up with a diamond when the jeweler pointed out how flat the sapphires look when cute round.

 

[purrtykitty]

DH and I went ring shopping together. We went to the same place a couple of different times and picked the same ring both times. I'm really glad I picked mine out. He told me that if it had been up to him, he would've given me a solitare, and that's just not my style.

With my BIL, his now fiancee and I went shopping so I knew what she was looking for, then him and I went and I showed him the selection of rings she liked. He picked the one he liked the best...which ended up being the one she wanted.

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement! I'm sure you'll let us know when it's official.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nox CONGRATULATIONS! I was glad it worked out that way because, had he got me a prominent diamond, I would have been very dissatisfied. Not to knock the big-bobble wearers, an older woman can wear hers with grace but I find it to look rather tacky on a young woman's hand.

I agree! A friend of mine got engaged earlier this year, and her ring looks like it belongs on a 90 year old woman. It's yellow gold with pear shaped diamond and a larger center stone. She likes it, but I think likes more what it represents, but on her small, young hands, it looks really out of place. I was able to try on the ring on my ring finger, it fit my pinky and while it is a bit bigger than what I was expecting, it's just...beautiful. I can't pick another way to describe it. I thought perhaps a nice solitaire and then maybe he'd surprise me with a matching band, something really simple. It's definitely not what I was expecting, but as soon as I saw it, everything else I thought I liked just didn't look as nice, and he felt like I deserved something really unique.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rbella Congratulations!!! I don't think it matters. I think it is personal preference and what is important for the both of you. I didn't care about the ring b/c I love Mr. Rbella and he could have given me a plastic one for all I care. So, keep in mind he might just surprise you!

I felt the exact same way. Honestly I wouldn't have been upset if he got me a chip on a piece of aluminum, I just want to be with him. I don't need a big show to verify how I feel.

I think he'll find a way to surprise me. I'll spend most of my days wondering how and then when he finally does it I'm gonna be completely put off.


Quote:

Originally Posted by purrtykitty DH and I went ring shopping together. We went to the same place a couple of different times and picked the same ring both times. I'm really glad I picked mine out. He told me that if it had been up to him, he would've given me a solitare, and that's just not my style. With my BIL, his now fiancee and I went shopping so I knew what she was looking for, then him and I went and I showed him the selection of rings she liked. He picked the one he liked the best...which ended up being the one she wanted. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement! I'm sure you'll let us know when it's official.

I'm sure there will be a fucking parade when it's official lol!! It hasn't officially happened yet, but i'm so excited. And the fact that he's so sure, and he's just as excited as I am makes it that much better. I know he's not doing for show, and he's not just doing something to satisfy me. Some men propose to their girlfriends to shut them up, but he was actually first to say that he knew he wanted to be with me forever, and now we're just taking the first steps to setting it in stone. I know we won't get married for awhile, probably two or more years, I'm finishing up school and we're saving to move out together, but that just means I'll have more time to plan.

 

[KikiB]

I would have to pick it out myself, because I am extremely picky and if I would be wearing it for the rest of my life, it would have to meet the following guidelines:

1. NO DIAMONDS ALLOWED. The only diamond I would allow would be a conflict-free blue or canary diamond, but I don't want a white diamond, I don't want diamond accents.
2. Preferred stones? Blue topaz, pink sapphire, pink tourmaline, or orange sapphire.
3. It has to be a unique design-I love small bands and pave sets, but I would rather have something intricate and dainty.

Of course it is a symbol of his love, and it would not have to be a huge stone-to be honest though, I would not want a diamond solitaire in yellow gold so I can't honestly say that I would be happy with whatever he got me. I do not subscribe to the school of thought that says you HAVE to get a big diamond, because the thing I want will be a fraction of the cost, it will stand out, and yellow gold+diamonds=one washed out makeup addict.

Hell, I have a blue topaz ring that I wear right now that someday could become my engagement ring because I love it that much-it suits me perfectly.

 

[redambition]

my SO let me design my own... then he got all princess on me and stipulated the side stones (it's a three stone ring) HAD to be pink diamonds. i would have been happy with whatever.

well. we travelled to the other side of the country to try and find diamonds because we couldn't get what we wanted in Sydney. turns out we couldn't get what we wanted full stop, so we made a hurried decision to cut our losses and change the design, bought the stones and brought them home.

he was sadder than i was about that

he still got the pinks for the side stones though, they were just a different cut.

the ring is currently being made, it will be ready in about three weeks! yay! he then has to ask me properly - that's the bit i'm being princess about.

i thought it was really sweet of him to include me in the designing and the choices, and also nice that he made sure that part of it was his input. it's a ring that we put together together, as a symbol of the life we want to share together.

 

[rbella]

He bought my ring at Bailey, Banks and Biddle and I would not recommend them to anyone.

He came home, proposed because he was so excited (I was shocked) and then after the excitement wore off we were staring at the stone. He had requested a loop to take home with him. After spending weeks choosing my stone and designing the setting, he saw that they put the wrong damned stone in my setting. If they hadn't given him the loop, he wouldn't have been able to see the GIA cert number on the side and compare it to our actual document. They were different numbers. Oh my Lord was he pissed.

He had just asked me to marry him, was soooo proud of the ring and stone he chosen all by himself and then it wasn't the same one he chose at the store.

Luckily, after much ado, we went to a few appraisers and the stones are almost identical, except I think my current one is about .01 carats larger. But the two certificates show the same cut, clarity, color, table, depth, etc. And, he was able to get another couple grand off the ring b/c he threw a fit in the store.

Either way, I'd never go there again. Sorry for the ramble, I just like to make sure and forewarn people of this whenever possible.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

It's yellow gold with pear shaped diamond and a larger center stone. She likes it, but I think likes more what it represents, but on her small, young hands, it looks really out of place.

I think that's a good point. In addition to learning about other options for metals and stones, I learned a lot of rings look horrible on my hand. I have small hands. Some of the designs I liked just plain wouldn't work on me, unless they scaled down the entire design, which I don't think would be easy (I didn't want a plain diamond solitaire or anything similar, and neither did he).