Family Matters

[Miss Pumpkin]

Just wondering what's everyone's relationship with their family... Lately I'm growing more and more apart from mine, and I have realised a lot of my self esteem issues might come from the relationship with my parents.

We get on fairly well apparently, but I always feel like they hate me. They never have good words for me, or a "well done" or even a simple "you look pretty in that dress" compliment.

My mother looks at me like I'm a mess and she suddenly starts talking to me in a really bad cranky tone for no reason, instead of telling me if I've done something wrong... my father doesn't really talk to me much.

And I'm not such bad of a daughter, I work, I've never aked them for money, I'm about to graduate and I even pay Uni myself. I've never come home drunk or done anything crazy, I've always been responsible.

Yet they seem to think I'm an outcast, specially my mother, and I don't understand why they feel like this about me.

 

[Beauty Mark]

My mother is deceased and my father and I have a strained relationship. I don't talk to two of my brothers and my other brother and I have another strained relationship.

Families are complicated, and you don't get a say in who is a part of yours.

*hugs*

 

[Shimmer]

Mine is a redneck mafia.
There's the family, and that's everyone, inlaws, cousins, spouses, etc.
Then...
There's The Family and that's blood. Blood only. And that doesn't include spouses, cousins, inlaws, etc. It's my immediate family.
We're tight. Very tight. We fight fuss and scrap, but God help you if you're an outsider and decide to take one of us on. Come after one, you'll get all of us.



In short, we're tight.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer There's The Family and that's blood. Blood only. And that doesn't include spouses, cousins, inlaws, etc. It's my immediate family.

So how exactly does that work? You have kids, and your kids are "The Family" but your husband isn't because he's not blood related?

And cousins are related by blood as well... I can understand like cousins in law that you got through marriage, but i'm not understand how you pick-n-choose who's in, and who's out.

 

[knoxydoll]

I don't really talk with my family. I haven't really seen anyone on my dad's side in a good year almost two. Ever since my father's death they treat me way different (also the fact that they were going to sue my mother because MY brother wasn't getting enough money from us... but I was getting the same amount and there was no fuss)... I'm not really part of the family anymore by everyone except for my uncle. When my grandad died he was the only one to call my mom to let us know. They've started to outcast him now and calling him later than girls. So enough about that messed up side, my mom's side is the whole 180 from them. We visit my nana at least once a month; We get together for birthdays and holidays; We don't fight... ever.
My sister lives on the other side of the country so we don't get to see her as often, but my mom talks to her once a weekish. I haven't seen my brother since last august. He works a lot. Pretty much everyday but one and I can understand needing to see your friends, but it'd be nice to see him sometime soon. I don't really talk to my mom about my personal life, even if we live in the same house. I've gone weeks without really even seeing her because our schedules are very different.
So that's my messed up family, what's worse is that I know of others that have more drama and plot twists than a daytime soap.

 

[Raerae]

Oh hows this for drama!

I just found out last night by a slip of the tongue from my Aunt, that I have two 1/2 sisters, from my fathers previous marriage that I never knew about. Since my father died when I was like 3, my Mom kinda buried that side of the family I think. I dont really know any of them, who's alive, who isn't, names, whatever. But yeh kinda crazy to know I have sisters out there somewhere. Even if there just 1/2 sisters.

I know a lot about my "Dad" (step dad, but he's my dad LOL) and his side of the family though. We visit them a lot, and our whole family is pretty tight. I had a space of about a year or two where I wasn't talking to anyone, but, we resolved our differences and are for the most part closer than ever.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae So how exactly does that work? You have kids, and your kids are "The Family" but your husband isn't because he's not blood related? And cousins are related by blood as well... I can understand like cousins in law that you got through marriage, but i'm not understand how you pick-n-choose who's in, and who's out.

Immediate family is "The Family".
Spouses are welcomed into the family wholly, but if they mess up (as one sister in law did) they're no longer welcomed, they're tolerated.
Extended family is the family, but it's not like immediate family. A cousin I'll arrange help for, if need be. One of my siblings or parents, I'll cut someone's throat for.

I don't really see how that's unclear.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Immediate family is "The Family". Spouses are welcomed into the family wholly, but if they mess up (as one sister in law did) they're no longer welcomed, they're tolerated. Extended family is the family, but it's not like immediate family. A cousin I'll arrange help for, if need be. One of my siblings or parents, I'll cut someone's throat for. I don't really see how that's unclear.

Well... You said this:

Quote:

There's The Family and that's blood. Blood only. And that doesn't include spouses, cousins, inlaws, etc.

Where you said that, "The Family" is blood only. And specifically said it doesn't include spouses.

But now your saying, in your 2nd post to clarify, that spouses are welcomed completely. Thats why I was confused.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Well... You said this: Where you said that, "The Family" is blood only. And specifically said it doesn't include spouses. But now your saying, in your 2nd post to clarify, that spouses are welcomed completely. Thats why I was confused.

I still don't understand why you're confused.
Of course spouses are welcomed into the family.
But there's still a difference between 'the family', and "The Family". *shrug* Something you have to be a part of to understand.

 

[Beauty Mark]

"The Family" is like Shimmer and the kids and possibly her parents, correct? Her husband, if he screws up, could get kicked out, whereas the kids are always going to be a part of her life.

It's like conditional vs. unconditional love.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark "The Family" is like Shimmer and the kids and possibly her parents, correct? Her husband, if he screws up, could get kicked out, whereas the kids are always going to be a part of her life. It's like conditional vs. unconditional love.

I guess...

So i guess there two, "The Family's" going on at once then. Your husbands's side, and Shimmer's side. But the kids would still be apart of, "The Family" on the husbands side, and "The Family" on Shimmer's side in the event of a breakup.

Sounds complicated ;p

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark It's like conditional vs. unconditional love.

I dunno. Just being related by blood doesn't mean that there is unconditional love. Plenty of families disown their kids over things they are not happy with. And I'm sure plenty of kids have dis-owned their parents.

 

[Beauty Mark]

That's how I understood it... Of course, we have to assume her husband has the same kind of system within his family.

Quote:

I dunno. Just being related by blood doesn't mean that there is unconditional love. Plenty of families disown their kids over things they are not happy with. And I'm sure plenty of kids have dis-owned their parents.

I know that, but I'm guessing this is how Shimmer works, not a statement on how the general world works. For some families, blood is the most important thing of all, some families will disown you for something stupid.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark That's how I understood it... Of course, we have to assume her husband has the same kind of system within his family. I know that, but I'm guessing this is how Shimmer works, not a statement on how the general world works. For some families, blood is the most important thing of all, some families will disown you for something stupid.

He doesn't, but the family is part of the reason he and I got married. He's never had a family that, despite not liking what a person is doing, will still be there.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I guess... So i guess there two, "The Family's" going on at once then. Your husbands's side, and Shimmer's side. But the kids would still be apart of, "The Family" on the husbands side, and "The Family" on Shimmer's side in the event of a breakup. Sounds complicated ;p

It's really not.

It SOUNDS that way, but it's not at all.

 

[Raerae]

No doubt. I'm sure it's similar to what a lot of people have, we just dont refer to it in quite the same way.

 

[Shimmer]

Probably do, and you probably don't refer to it in the same way.

 

[zori]

I get along with my parents and my elder borther. My younger bro and I have a strained relationship. I am not close to my parents as I would like to be though but the love is there.

Since I've gotten married I have somewhat drifted apart from my family simply because I have more responsibilities and less time. I do however spend more time with my in-laws and sometimes I do feel guilty about it.

 

[*Luna*]

My mom and I have a wonderful relationship. My father and I do not speak. He lives in another country and doesn't make any effort to be a part of my life and is a constant dissapointment when he is in my life... so I decided that I can't allow him to constantly hurt me (emotionally) the way he does, it isn't fair to me.

I am also very close with my brother and sister, my brother and I are 2 1/2 years apart so we grew up really close... a lot of the time it was just us. My sister and I are 14 1/2 years apart, I would take her in and care for her as my daughter if anything ever happened to my mother or her father.

My mom and brother do tend to be very hard on me but I know it's only because they want to see me succede and they want the best for me. I think it brings us closer in a way.

My husband and I are very close to each others immediate family. We would do anything for each other and our immediate families but that level of dedication... the willingness to do anything for anyone stops there. Our comitment is to eachother now, we are our own family with our own responsibilites that need to be looked after. And that being said it's not at all that we don't care for other relatives, it's just that there are certain limits to what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to dealing with that part of the family.

I hope that makes sense.

I can understand how you feel though Miss Pumpkin because my dad is that way with me. Nothing ever has been or will be good enough for him... eventhough he is 50 and has absolutely NOTHING to show for his whole 1/2 a century on this Earth. Never a compliment... always a remark to try and belittle me... he has made incredibly rude remarks that left me in tears on several occasions. It was an incredibly toxic relationship for me and screwed up my self image and self esteem... caused severe depression and I can honestly say I have never been happier since I booted him out of my life. I do however think it's really sad that I had cut ties with my own father, and that has created a different level of issues. Parents are supposed to be there by your side to support and encourage you... I'm just sorry my father missed out on so much of my life. It truely is his loss though.

 

[enraptured]

I understand exactly what Shimmer means, and I too am real tight with my immediate family. Extended family, eh. I don't even know more than half of them anymore, but the ones that are still in my life - we're fairly close. The bond that I have with my immediate family though... nothing else can touch that. I wouldn't even think twice about laying my life down for them, no matter what. We've gone through a lot, but the love and loyalty is always there.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

I can't imagine how that must feel.

I hope things get better (sooner than later).