Fiance's family (long post!)

[NicksWifey]

I need some more advice, so I figured I'd ask the best people online that I know

Anyway, this is something that has been bothering me for months now. Nick comes from a pretty dysfunctional family. His parents live together, but HATE each other. I could never understand why they just didn't get divorced, but I think it's because the mom mooches off of the dad all the time. Nick has two younger siblings, a 19-year-old brother and a 15-year-old sister. They both still live at home. The mom favors Nick over any of the kids and has a "to hell with the rest of the kids" attitude. For example, his sister will call our house because his mom didn't feel like feeding the rest of the family, but the day before, his mom might've came over to our house and brought Nick one of his favorite dishes, like shepard's pie or whatever. That bugs me. His sister begs Nick to buy them some food, because the mom didn't cook it and the dad is too lazy to go out and get some.

I think his mom is really the downfall of the family. She drinks a huge amount of wine or whiskey EVERY night. She has a college degree and used to be a teacher, but she couldn't pass some kind of math exam and so, she hasn't taught school for about six years. To support herself, she works a delivery person for an Italian restaurant here in town. She is probably the most negative person I've ever met. She complains, CONSTANTLY. Every trip I've been on with this woman, she complains, and over stupid stuff too. She has a very negative outlook on everything and is always bitching. She screams at her kids (including Nick) and says mean, embarassing things to them, especially in public. It's pretty ridiculous. She also cheats on Nick's dad, but I don't think he cares, because they hate each other. I don't think she's had "relations" with anyone in over a year, but she is always coming over to our house, to look for men on the internet. Nick doesn't support her bullshit and they argue constantly over the fact that she is always looking for another man, but he doesn't seem to care when she's on our computer, chatting up with men she's never laid eyes on in her life. She's had a few dates with men she met online, but they never amount to anything more.

I used to feel like Nick's mom and I got along better before we moved out. Everytime she comes over, she goes snooping through our cabinets and will stay stuff like "What's for dinner?" I remember once I didn't feel like cooking much, so I made us chicken patty sandwiches and french fries. She rolled her eyes when Nick told her what he had ate earlier. First off, you don't fucking live here, so don't worry about what I cook for your son and secondly, it's just none of her business. She bought us groceries after we first moved out (really nice of her) but everytime she'd pull something out the bag she'd say "We use this like this, for this." and didn't approve of a box of margarine that I had bought for us, because it wasn't her Land 'O Lakes stuff. Nick's mom is really obnoxious, very outspoken and demanding, really "in-your-face", know what I mean? I think that's why a lot of people are turned off from her. She calls Nick constantly on his cell phone (when he's asked her many times to call him on our house phone) because she doesn't have AT&T and it wastes our minutes when she calls. They usually end up arguing and either he or she will hang up on each other. This is almost everyday.

I don't know Nick's dad very well, I've been around him a couple of times since we've been together and he's a smart ass. I used to only work 20 hours a week at one job while I was a full-time student (taking 15 credits) and Nick and I had just moved out. He came over and said "So are you ever going to work 40 hours a week or make my son pay all the bills?" This REALLY pissed me off, because I have contributed over $3,000 of my own money towards all of our furniture, decor, bedding, hook-up fees for Comcast, water/sewage, electricty, whatever. Nick got himself in credit card debt at a young age and is still paying for it and has way more bills than I do. Nick only contributed $400 when we first moved out towards stuff for the house. I also brought a brand new dining room table & chairs, as well as a brand new king-sized bed and the rest of the bedroom furniture with me. So to make ends meet, I work two jobs so I can work 80 hours every 2 weeks and STILL go to school, trying to finish my degree in Business Management.

One thing that really bugs me about Nick, is the fact that he has a lot of bills. We haven't ran into any problems yet, but he wastes a lot of money on alcohol at the liquor stores. That stuff isn't cheap. I drink very rarely, but Nick drinks five nights out of the week, it's crazy. He doesn't get piss drunk, but he likes to get "tipsy". I've tried telling him if he wouldn't waste money on alcohol or cigarettes, he'd have some more money to spend. He gets mad when I get packages from MAC or other places, because I know how to budget my money, and I like to save for things. With all of the bills he has to pay, he also pays his mom's car insurance. Now this is what REALLY REALLY REALLY pisses me off.

I seriously do not understand why she can't pay her own damn insurance. Nick told me that she refuses to pay the insurance as well as the renter's insurance that his dad pays each year to the landlord of the home they live in, so Nick will fork over her share of that too. If she doesn't pay her car insurance, it's means everyone in his family will get taken off the insurance, because of her. I've tried to tell him that he needs to put his foot down, because how can he pay his insurance and hers every month, on top of everything else, but he doesn't want to hear it. I feel like confronting this woman, because I'm a very outspoken person and I can't bite my tongue, especially when I get mad. I feel like she's trying to push Nick further into the hole. Nick and I are about to start our own family and we already have our own life together, and she's interfering with it.

Nick's siblings are constantly calling up, to come over here and download songs and stuff, because we have high speed internet. At first, it didn't bother me, but now they constantly call up, when we are getting ready to go to bed or in the middle of something. His sister probably spends 12 hours a day on the internet when she's not in school and it's just ridiculous. She called up last night, because there was a bad storm in our area, and the power went out at their house. She asked Nick if we would DVR something that was coming on for her at 8pm. I had unplugged our TV & cable box during the storm, so I was trying to get that reloaded, and it was taking forever. I guess the program had already started and Nick was explaining to her on the phone that we were having a problem and I hear her whining, "Hurry up! It's already started! What's taking so long!" You know, all this bratty bullshit. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I said "Tell your sister to shut the fuck up!" I guess that really made him mad, but I think it's completely uncalled for to call someone, asking them for a favor, and then whine and throw a temper tantrum because they can't get it to work for a few minutes. Of course, she whined some more and hung up on him. Nick and I got into a HUGE argument and I told him his sister was a fucking brat and needed to grow up. If my brother acted like that, I'd tell him to get over himself and I wouldn't record anything for him. Nick said I was talking shit about his family, but I was honestly mad. I can't stand when kids or anyone for that matter, acts like that.

I spoke to my parents about it this morning and my dad said I need to break it off in his mom's ass quick. I'm afraid if I do that, that the shit will hit the fan. I don't have a problem telling anyone off, especially when they deserve it, like in this case, but Nick is involved too. I love this man with all of my heart and we have such a great relationship, but there's just some stuff going on that I do not approve of, like the whole thing with his mom. He complains about his family constantly and when I say something about his mom's behavior or his sister's bratty ways, he gets pissed about it. I'm sorry, but I live here too and I feel like I have a say-so in what's going down. I feel like when we don't hear from his family, everything goes great until one of them calls up with an issue and he gets upset over it and I do too and that's when all hell breaks loose.

Sorry to be so long-winded and in-depth with this post, but I really need some advice

I'm just so confused and I don't know how to handle this situation.

 

[Hilly]

Wow girl, that is a tough situation to be in. But I wouldn't say it is impossible to deal with. In-laws are forever...when you marry Nick, you're marrying into the family- for better or worse. Perhaps, you could have a little intervention with her and Nick and try to clear the air. I know that sounds difficult (and I am such a wimp when it comes to confrontation), but if you dont hit the nail in the head now, then you'll just have to bite your tongue. It may snow-ball even worse as time goes on (throw in a kid or two into the mix) and then you're kicking yourself for not workling on this earlier on in the relationship. Easier said than done- I know- but I think youll feel a helluva lot better once you confront the situation. If she still acts like a poop, then that's on her. You have said your piece and can feel a bit better. HTH Good Luck!!

 

[blindpassion]

I definitely agree with Hilly, from the sounds of it, its probably not an issue that's going to get better with time. As incredibly hard as it may be, it would be beneficial to try and talk to his mom about it, and in the nicest way possible. When you're talking to her try and use "I feel" statements, "I feel violated" or "I feel hurt" when so and so happens. Try to talk about your side of the issue more then hers, because that way she wont feel like you're trying to throw all this dirt on her. And hopefully you can work out something that will work well for all of you. Another thing Id suggest though is that before you talk to her, definitely make sure you and Nick are 100% on the same page, because if hes on the fence you're going to face resistant from all sides, and that's just not fair for you!

Stay positive, I'm sure everything will work out

 

[florabundance]

You know, two of my cousins and my brother gained mother-in-laws this year and man! do they have problems with them. One day I said to my brother like "if you hate this woman so much, why not just say something and get it over with?" his response was that he loves his girl too much to cause friction that he knows exists among the family anyways. He'd rather help than hinder. From that I saw his point of view. Love is a feeling that exceeds hate by like a milion times. And no matter how much your mother-in-law and her family bug you , the feeling you get when you're with your man (who sounds like he's trying his best) must and obviously does overtake that so much. That's why you offer to help with his siblings and your selfless when it comes to them. What matters most is NOT what snidey remarks your mother in law wants to make or obnoxious ways she wants to act, but more that Nick (lol, on first name terms) realises the effort you put in. And im sure if you asked him (though u probably dont need to) he'd tell you that he realises and appreciates how hard you try and the shit you have to put up with at times.

The problem is when you marry into a family (because you do, whether you love them or hate them or whatever you're stuck with them), most of the time your significant other knows the way their parent/family is and is 10 times more frustrated than you are. Arguments and shit will only amplify problems for you as a couple - i'm sure his mum or dad really wouldn't care at all.

So, IMO, it happened to get a little heated that night with the sister - but it was probably just an eruption of feelings you kept inside...and it sounds like you are and Nick is concerned for your/his siblings. Instead of getting angry which is so easy to do just express it like "I don't appreciate being treated like this..". They sound like they have their handsfull with their mother as is and they probably take things out on you that should really actually be her concern. So if that's the case, then treat them as though they are your responsibility when confronting them. Don't be afraid to assert your authority with them, but probably consult with your husband first and get his opinion.

You can't really blame them tho, considering the lack of attention from their mother and father, who unfortunately it sounds like you'll have to keep asserting your place in the family to.
Get your 2 cents in calmly and respectfully.
Irrespective of their disrespect to you, that's kind of what you owe them as the people that gave you your husband. But that is ALL you owe them. As far as the opinions you have about them, that is all up to you.

LOL, wow i had a lot to say - but i just majorly feel for you with this. it's such a hard thing to go through. But just let it make you and your man stronger and resiliant as a couple.

 

[talste]

Welcome to married life, I know all to well how you feel & reading your post managed to get me fired up about my own in laws, lol.


you definitely need to have a chat with Nick to see what the expectations are involving you and his family, Work out some ground rules involving the frequency at which his family can drop by, if you're never going to be best buds with them will he accept that etc.

Obviously he'll want you to maintain some sort of relationship with them just at what level is what you need to figure out.

What ever you agree upon work on that but make sure your honest to your own feelings about the situation otherwise you'll just end up resenting them more if you're forced into situations you don’t want to be in.

I tried all of the above and it failed for me so now I have nothing to do with my in laws at all to the extent that when they visit I'll stay elsewhere until they have left. Not an Ideal situation but Hubby accepts the arrangement.

The finally straw for me was after I was called a "white trash bitch who thinks I'm to good for them" after I declined an offer to join them for drinks.

Good Luck with your dreaded In Laws, I hope you have better luck than I did.

 

[duckduck]

I don't have nearly as much experience with this as other people on here, so I will just say the one thing I know. My family might not be perfect, but if anyone insults them, I will defend them - even if I would have said the same thing myself. I don't know if this is the case with Nick, but my guess is that he respects your opinion, but when he thinks you are attacking them feels the need to stick up for and defend them (even if they don't need/deserve that defense). I know it is weird, but some of us are just wired up that way. I doubt he'll ever change that, but perhaps if you can talk about it and you both can recognize it, then your discussions will go better.

No clue on what to do about the rest of it - my first thought was move to the other side of the country! Seriously. California is a nice place.

 

[NicksWifey]

Thanks everyone for your posts...I just can't imagine being married and it STILL being like this, I mean, that's just not healthy. I and my parents have problems with my brother's wife and how she alienates us from their child (whole different story) and I don't want to be deemed as the "megabitch" like she is, but I think I have a right to put my foot down in situations, involving my future husband, especially when it comes to our finances and our living arrangement.
I just think he needs to stop paying his mom's bills, it's fucking ridiculous for a 48-year-old woman to depend on her 23-year-old son like that.

 

[almmaaa]

Sorry about your situation but alot of people dont like it when you say things about their familiy members. You have to be careful in the way you say things about them to him, be gentle. As far as the mom if you told her whatever you have to tell her I would say it in a nice way and let your bf know u are going to tell her. My 2 cents. Maybe after kids or more payments ur bf will stop paying for his moms insurance but shes just used to him paying it for her she wont do anything to change that.
Forgot to add nobody likes nobody. Meaning a woman or man is never good enough for their son/daughter sometimes in laws but in sooo much and ur significant other will do more for them than for their spouse.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I don't know girl...

I would try to talk to Nick about it before you say or do anything. Withjout arguing, yall need to communicate. And he needs to open his eyes and see where you are coming from. But aside from that..I don't even know what to tell you. because he is a man, and men don't like to be told what to do. I know that sounds...dumb. but seriously...he will just get mad that you are trying to control him and tell him how to spend his money. So I don't wanna say just let him spend his money the way he wants, because obviously its affecting you. I just say try to talk to him about it first, so he can really see where you're coming from.

But you gotta watch it lol. I wouldn't have told his sister to shut the fuck up, even if she was being a brat. People take family stuff to heart. Sometimes when i talk about my bf's family, he gets irritated. When he talks about mine I get pisssssssssed the hell off. Its too touchy. Unless a subject is agreed upon ("my sister is being such a brat today" "yeah Nick, she really is") LoL...I'd just take it down a notch. People get offended by stuff like that, even if it is true. You can say it in another way..or smile and act like you're fine

I hope things get better girl. Sorry i couldn't help too much

 

[Sexya(TM)?Princess]

i agree with the post above pretty much.

just try to remember his sibs are teenagers right now and they will grow out of needing him for stupid lil annoying things.

parents are always annoying and always will be. mine are and my bfs are lol. i gave up on trying to fight that one.

 

[xtiffineyx]

I agree with what everyone has said. My friend has had problems with her mother in law, her situation seems very similar to yours. Her and her husband had to live with her inlaws for 9 months while they were working on her trailer to move in, and she kept having problems. I told her that she needed to talk to her husband and her mother in law (her husband was real defensive about his mom, and would get mad if my friend ever said anything about her) before it got worse, and all she would say was "well when we move out on our own it'll get better, I just have to put up with it for a little bit longer" Nope. It's worse. Now her marriage is falling apart (not saying that would happen to you!), and she has all kinds of more problems with her inlaws. I don't say "well I told you so" but I really do feel like if she would have tried to nip things in the bud so to say, maybe things would be going more smoothly.

Then again, there are people that no matter how nice you are, and no matter how well you try to solve problems between you guys, they will always be assholes. I would be friendly and civil but I would try to distance myself from the fam. It seems like his mom is a leech, and she'll only keep trying to take advantage of you 2 the longer you let it go on.

It's a very very difficult situation to be in. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope that you and your fiance have a wonderful future together. Marriage and relationships are tough enough without adding all that extra shit in.

 

[AllisonWeaver]

I'm sixteen years old, and how you described Nick and his family reminds me a huge amount of my dad and his family. There are some differences, but the problems are all similar. When my mom married my dad, the situation was similar, but things have only gotten worse. Some things in my family are worse than in Nick's, and some are better, so I can't say what will happen years from now with his family, but I'll share some problems with mine that developed from a situation like yours.
My father has never been good with money. He used to make $98,000 a year, but left his job because he wasn't happy with it (I agree with his reasons, which involved being an honest person). He still spent money like he had that job, though, and developed a lot of debt. He decided he'd just declare bankruptcy (our home is in my mom's name because when they bought the house it was decided my mom was better with money, so she'd be less likely to go bankrupt and lose the house, though they never thought seriously that either would go bankrupt, so there was no risk of losing our home). My dad owned his father's house (my mother owned half, he the other half), which he rented, and my mom got it ready and sold it to pay off his debt, giving her half of the money from the sale also. Also, addictive personalities run in our family (grandfather was addicted to cigars, cigarettes, pipes, alcohol, and lost his medical license for abusing prescription medication). My dad is an alcoholic, now sober. He only became sober when he experienced liver failure. He drank often, though never ridiculous amounts, and never behaved like a drunk.. please don't let Nick drink too much, it's horrible for the liver! I never viewed it as a problem because my dad drank responsibly, even though he was addicted to it (he'd never drive after even a sip of a drink, etc.) My dad's mom is also nosy, and while she truly does have people's best interests at heart, she's very bossy and tries to tell people what to do (she's was left broke by her husband with four children, and has since made her self a millionaire, and married a wonderful man.. she's done very well, but her way isn't for every one!). It kills my mother that my grandmother is always trying to tell us what to do, and my dad just says "oh don't worry about it", et cetera. I really suggest you get Nick to sit down with his mom, explain that you both love her, but that you're adults and would like to live your life the way you want to. You need to get these problems ironed out now, because they may only grow, and you and Nick should be as happy as possible. You shouldn't have to speak rudely to Nick's mom at all, Nick should speak up for you. Also, have you considered that Nick's mom may think you're trying to take Nick from her, or she may be afraid that she's lost or losing her favorite child, and trying to hang on to him? Maybe they could have some time together, so she won't feel that way (if she does, that is!). Also, if you do feel the need to rant to Nick's mom about her behavior, make sure you sit down with her and sweetly explain that you feel sad when she criticizes how you cook, and spend your money. I'm sure she realizes how she's behaving, but if she hears that it's a problem from you, perhaps she'll tone it down a bit.

 

[jn_woods]

Are you sure you're really ready for marriage with him? I'd calmly address every issue with Nick before you move forward. It's just going to get worse if you don't talk about it. Getting upset and freaking out at him about it doesn't help. You guys need to have house rules.

If he doesn't much care for his mom stop taking favors from her and stop enabling her behaviors (letting her on the internet, paying her insurance).

I would definitely have a problem with Nick buying so much alcohol and drinking every night. Especially when it sounds like his mom might be an alcoholic. How are your finances going to mesh after marriage?

 

[kobri]

Families are such a difficult balance of personalities sometimes and adding new members will usually be difficult. She is probably critical of you (with the food) because she is having a hard time letting her little boy go, especially if he's the favorite. I know my grandmother gave my mom a hard time when my parents first got married (she was also going through menopause so hormones like crazy contributed I suppose), but they got though it just fine so have hope! His sister is still young and I think we can all relate to those years when the whole world revolved around us, she will hopefully outgrow this. There is good and bad in his paying his mom's insurance. It shows that he takes responsibility for those he cares about (he doesn't want the others to be dropped from the insurance because of his mom) and this shows that he will be a thoughtful and supportive father if you decide to have kids. The downside is that you don't seem to be on the same page financially and if you don't get that sorted out then you will have a lot of problems when your resources are pooled. If you are used to saving and he is used to spending then you will find all of the saved money going out the window and you will resent giving up the things you were saving for. The number one thing married couples fight about is money so you should make sure you have a lot of talks about your goals and your spending/saving habits and plans so that you both know what you are doing as a team. He will have say in your mac spending the same as you will have say in his alcohol spending! If you approach his mother I would not do it from a place of anger. I would wait until you have calmed down so that you can explain how her actions are hurting you, not just pissing you off and I think she will respond better. First though you need to make sure you and Nick are on the same page, and that he supports you. Good Luck hun

 

[M.A.C. head.]

OMG Really? Are we like...kindred or something? I'm going through a lot of BS with my in-laws too, and I totally feel your pain over holding your tongue. I'm not a fan of holding my tongue either but I've had to do it with my mother in law and it's driving me crazy.

Since I'm going through it myself, I can't give you any advice from an outside perspective; but I can say this:

Handle that shit [pardon] before you officially marry him and/or have children with him. It gets 100x more complicated at that point.

 

[TUPRNUT]

Sounds rough, dear. I'll be married 5 years next month, and my husband and I have learned that we have to deal with our own families. We've had "issues" with his mother in the past, and it's best for him to talk to her directly about it and leave me out of it.

All in all, you two have to be on the same page. These conversations are tough, but it's best just to talk about them and bring them up as lovingly and calmly as possible. I agree with another poster - "I" statements are best because they don't involve direct criticism of the other person.

Another thing that has helped us is to remember that my husband and I are each other's family and each other's top priority. That means we stand up for the other person at all costs and publicly stand behind each other's decisions. If we have disagreements, those are always handled privately, but publically we're one team.

Pre-marital counseling is a great investment! It's a safe place to openly talk about these things with a 3rd party who is neither for one person or the other. I'm so glad we decided to do this before we got married - I think it saved us a lot of heartache an disagreements.

Wishing you all the best!

 

[Lapis]

Ok I saw a couple issues here
First his family, you can't be the person to speak to his mother/family, he must be the one and until he finds the strength to stand up and say what needs to be said, nothing you say will make a difference this is something he must do.

Secondly his drinking, tipsy 5 nights a week is a problem although you don't view it as such.

Thirdly how he deals with money which ties into the alcohol thing

Before you marry him, ALL of these have to be dealt with because nothing gets better after marriage if it was a problem before, counseling is a great idea, a safe place to speak and have someone there to referee the discussion.

 

[NicksWifey]

Things have calmed down, I guess? since the last time I posted anything on this thread.
Nick's mom comes over once a week now. His brother still constantly calls to come over and download 1,200 songs but Nick and I have just stopped answering the phone or the door when he comes a-knockin'.
Nick's mom last came over on Father's Day. I guess she got fired from her food delivery job and is now putting her education to good use and is working as a social worker in a local home for abused women. She also invited us to go on vacation with them to DC for a few days in August. DC's not a big deal, because it's only a little over an hour from where we live now, but we do like to do the touristy crap that everyone does there and we usually go each summer anyway. Whenever I see his mom, it's just "Hey how's it going? What's up?" and on my merry way I go. I do not feel the need to explain myself or justify myself to this woman. Sometimes when I pull into the parking lot and see her car near our building, I immediately get on the cell phone with my own mother so I can avoid conversation with her once I get inside our house, LOL, that sounds horrible, I know.

It's whatever though. Nick and I have been working through the issues. It's not my place to go off on someone, it's a choice that he'll have to make himself. The only thing I can do is support him when the time is right. And as far as drinking goes, we sat down this past week and made him a drinking schedule where he only drinks two nights a week. We have talked about it before, but we actually sat down and wrote things out. His last night of drinking is tomorrow night and that's it until next weekend.

 

[Lapis]

That's great especially the drinking part, I'm glad that you all are able to work it out

 

[erica_1020]

Can't sleep and very nauseous...
I will make a long story as short as possible. I want to tell my DH how much I dislike MIL and how she has been over too often (we just bought a new house coming from apt) The thing is, some of the times its because she is doing favors for us (husband asked). He hasn't seemed all that close to her (we've been married 6 yrs) now all of a sudden, he is emailing, calling her or vice versa. I feel like crap, but also I know I am being childish. I mean seriously, if he told me I was spending or talkng too much to my mom, I would say he is insane and deal with it.

What bugs me
1. Annoying
2. Sneaky
3. she is always the go between to pass info to everyone on his side of the family whether its the divorced side or not
4. wasn't really that good to DH growing up. Showed favoritism to younger brother
5. This is old, but tried talking to me about not getting married until after her son finished college...1. He proposed to me, 2. He hated school, 3. Talk to HIM. I have felt uncomfortable with the family ever since. and she supposedly was talking for her husband because he wasn't going to come to the wedding, etc (he did).


She has been here 4 times since we moved in and we have only been here 12 days. 1 time she showed up with her ex husbands 2 step kids who barely speak English. She knocked briefly once and then just walked in. We could have been doing anything. I was pissed.

At least we don't have kids
But, you know how it is hard to hide your feelings from your spouse? He knows something is up and I hate lying to him. I am trying to shake this but her presence has magnified and I think that's why its getting to me. I mean, she and her husband divorced a few months ago and a few weeks later he was remarried. (He's a whole different story) She brought his new step kids to our house to show them around, she takes them to movies and stuff, what is she trying to prove?

I want to talk to him, but know that would just probably be the beginning of a never ending fight or thought in the back of his mind. Any Tips?

Sorry if this sounds like rambling