Have you ever watched somebody you love slowly kill themselves with

[ashley8119]

drugs or alcohol?

That's what I'm going through. The love of my life is a crack and cocaine addict, and it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced. He's changed so much in four months, nothing like the person I fell in love with. He was an addict for five years, then he was clean for 10 months (when we were together) and we had all of these plans for a future together until those plans were thrown away four months ago when he relapsed after things in his life started to take a turn for the worst. Our relationship ended when he told me about his relapse, and he said that he didn't want to expose me to that because I deserved so much better than a "crackhead loser" <-- his words, not mine.

We haven't talked in 2 months until he contacted me today and asked how I'm doing. Everything that I have been holding in came out, and I really let him hear every thought in my head about what was going on. He apologized again for being a "fuck up" and said that he pulled away because he didn't want to drag me down with him. I offered to help him get into a rehab program, but he refused my help. I offered him the help four months ago when it started, he refused that time also. He said that he didn't want me to fight his battles, that they are his and that I shouldn't involve myself in them because it would only bring me down and that I was better than that.

It's so hard, I've been dealing with this since August and I really do love him. He was the greatest guy I've ever had, we were so happy about starting our lives together...until this happened. I know that addicts have to hit a 'bottom' before they stop for good, and 19 is awfully young for an addict to have hit their bottom. So I'm sure he could be using for another 5 years, and I can't put my life on hold for him.

It's just so hard. None of my friends understand, they have never experienced this kind of situation and they have no idea what this feels like.
It's so hard for me to watch him kill himself, he looks really bad. He's lost tons of weight and he has the face of a lost and confused little boy.

It certainly doesn't help that his friends and his family are all addicts, and he is constantly surrounded by hard drug use. His mom was a coke addict when he was born, so he was born addicted to it.

 

[Beauty Mark]

You never know. 19 isn't too young to hit rock bottom and get yourself straighten out, but then again, he may never get to that point either.

You probably have heard this, but you can't help him until he wants to help himself. I think that's the hardest thing about being around an addict; you want to help so much and have some kind of control, but you have absolutely none

I'm glad that you realize that you can't wait around for him change. I hope for your sake and his that he does change sooner than later.

 

[Mabelle]

My mom was a coke addict when i wa very little. I kind of remember it.. but not really. She cleaned herself up cold turkey. She didnt hit rock bottom. She was just scared she would loose her kids, her husband, her house, her family etc. So when my dad caught her, she stoped. I imagine it was very difficult, but it's been over 15 years and she's never relapsed. She's very honest with me about this, and i really apriciate it. Because of her expirience i'm extra cautious about drugs. I promised myself i would never make the mistake she made. She now smokes pot, trading one addiction for the other, but it hardly affects her. She smokes very small amounts when she's had a long stressful day, shes a nurse. I wish she didnt, but it's a lot better than doing coke or crack, so im def not going to complain about a little doob.

You're x doesnt need to hit rock bottom, he just needs to want it really badly and be ready to go through unpleaseness that is withdrawl,and the terrifyingness that is rebuilding. My advice is don't get too close, but still offer him support. Maybe you could speak with some if his friends, and talk about ways to get him help. Maybe if he just went to meetings (like my mom did) with a friend, or if you need a full blown intervention. The New Year is a time to start over with aclean slate, and this would be one hell of a start over!

Good luck! I hope you're ex get's healthy soon. Don;t loose faith, anything is possible. It's the time of year that lots of miracles tend to happen.

 

[sinergy]

Like its been mentioned already, he wont get the help he needs, or stop until he is ready, so it was a great thing he did for you, letting you go. If you had of stayed in that relationship you wouldve become frustrated and more hurt and possibly learning and doing stuff you wouldnt of normally been into. I know its hard but it was probably for the best that he let you go when he did and its great that he understands that what he is doing is wrong, there is still time for him to change and to snap out of it. But really its going to be up to him. . My husbands brother passed away two and a half yrs ago from a cocaine overdose he had just turned 30 and has four kids his youngest wasnt even a yr old yet. If his family is all into the partying scene like you mentioned, its up to him to remove himself from that environment if he really wants to. My husband and his older brother grew up like that but thank God they both got out and we all moved pretty far away. unfortunately his younger brother stayed and got way into all that. I always wonder what our lives wouldve ended up like if we had of stayed there too. Good Luck and have faith.He is so lucky to still have you as a friend

 

[Chikky]

Yes. My cousin.

 

[ashleyisawesome]

My step dad was sober for 14 years. He married my mom, became a preacher, pretty much had his shit together, and then one day he started ruining his life one step at a time. He left my mom for some woman who was using him to leave her husband (and then ended up running back to him), he quit the church, and he started doing crack. I saw him turn into a completely different person. He lost a ton of weight, had his car "stolen", and much more. Then he stopped doing crack and switched to pain killers and muscle relaxers. He doesn't know anything about us (he gave my sister a sweet sixteen bday card on her 18th birthday), and it's sad to see what he's doing to himself. I've basically just cut myself off from him because it's too hard to deal with.

No matter what you do, you can't change him. He has to want to change and right now it doesn't sound like he wants to. Alcoholics/Addicts are also very prideful people, and they'll refuse help because they don't want to be seen as weak. Basically, he'll have to come to a point where there's no other option. And hopefully he'll reach that point before he kills himself or someone else.

 

[AngelBunny]

My mother is addicted to Rx pills and has done some really despicable things to my sister and I growing up. She is a pathological liar and is in complete denial about how her addiction has hurt her and how it has hurt us. I haven't spoken to her since July 07 because I refuse to let her affect my children they way she affected me.

My cousin Bre also struggled with addiction. She did really well for about two years, was clean and sober and had a great job. Then one day something just changed and she fell back into the addiction. About a year later her neighbor found her hanging from a tree in the back yard ... it was and is one of the most heartbreaking times of my life because she was truly a beautiful person addicted to some very ugly substances. She had so much alcohol and so many different substances in her blood (meth, coc, heroin, shrooms, lsd and ketamine) that the coroner said he had no idea how she had even been concious enough to harm herself.

I am sorry you are going through this ... but you really can't help him. He has to help himself. You can give a million ultimatums and offer him every support system you can find, but if he isn't going to do it than it just isn't going to be successful. He has to have something to lose other than his life ... and obviously nothing is worth more than the drugs to him right now. It is heart breaking for you and may be deadly for him, but that is just the nature of the disease.

Move on if and when you can ... there is nothing you can do until he does it for himself.

 

[Chikky]

Sorry I didn't specify earlier.

My cousin was a great guy. Sweet, funny, loving... He 'needed' people, though, I think this is where he got into trouble. The wrong crowd showed him attention. He got into drugs. Smaller stuff, at first, then up to cocaine.

He did it for years, and my sweet cousin got into more and more trouble. He didn't come around anymore (even to other relatives' houses), where he'd been at our house CONSTANTLY growing up. It got to the point where we were not to let him in the house if he did show up. Not that he was violent, but... You know someone in that state isn't thinking straight, and would steal something. He moved from state to state.

One day, he got clean. He'd moved away near his dad and brother and got himself together. He was clean, he was healthy, he was void of those people who supplemented him with drugs or did drugs. He wanted to be with his neice and nephew, and he was not allowed if he were still on drugs.

He called his mother on a Sunday night to tell her how sorry he was for doing what he did and how embarassed he felt. He was sorry he'd done this to his family. He wanted to get married, he told her, have a family. Be a good man. Get back into the church.

He also had a doctor's appointment the next day for a small cut on his back that would not heal. He told her he loved her and that he'd call the next day to let her know how the appointment went.

He never made it. When he missed the appointment, his doctor called his step-mother (which I didn't know they did, but am grateful for, in a way). She went to his house and found him in his bedroom. He'd never made it to bed. The croroner's report (months later!!) said he'd had a seizure, fallen onto the bed, then off of it, and died.

I never believed he'd gone back on drugs and they attested to him being clean. They do not know, but assume that his past use had damaged him and it was just now affecting him.

He was 30. Pretty much my age now. We were always the closest in age of all the cousins.

I miss him so much.


I am sorry that you're going through this. It's so hard, even though I didn't see him for years at a time. It weighs on your heart. Maybe he will realize what he is doing is destructive and wrong. 19 is not too young to realize it, and I hope and pray that he does it soon. But you also must know that he's not doing it AGAINST you, if that makes sense. It's a disease, and he's suffering from it. Hopefully he can overcome.

 

[miss-lilly]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this and I think that everyone else has already offered some excellent advice.

Yes, sadly I've been there. It was 8 or 9 years ago and I still consider it to be the darkest time of my life.
I was a naive 18 year old who thought that love conquers everything. He had a serious drug problem and he really wanted to get clean but it was so damn hard. I tried being there for him and doing whatever I could to help him but the result was me getting depressed and him still struggling.
Looking back now, I can see that he was not ready to change yet and that I should have let go way earlier than I did.
So I know that it's extremely hard for you to see him doing so much harm to himself but believe me, there really isn't much you can do. He can't change until he really wants to and decides to help himself.
For the record, my ex-boyfriend did find his way out eventually so there's definitely a big chance that he will too

I wish you all the best

 

[ImMACnificent]

I am a drug and alcohol counselor, this story sounds pretty much like everything I hear almost every day. He obviously is not proud of what he is....which is an addict and that will never change. That at least shows that he can admit his wrongdoings. Which shows there is some hope for change, it is just unknown when that change will come.


As difficult as it is, I would say that the best thing to do for yourself AND him is to let him try to take care of himself.

Once a sober person dates an actively using addict, you easily fall into the enabling role. Not always deliberately. But you wanting to help him get into rehab can easily fall into you wanting to know his every move, constantly not trusting him (who could blame you?) and of course you worrying all the time about him (again, who could blame you).

The worst part is you mentioned his family being addicts, if they are actively using as well, that will make it 10 x more difficult for him to get clean, even with a supportive girlfriend.


I would say him asking you to not be around him while he "tries" to get clean, hopefully he really is, is probably one of the most selfless things he could do. I would say that shows that there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel, but... the big question is how long is it gonna take him to see that light.

He has a lot of sobering up to do....not just taking drugs out of the equation.. but he needs to change his lifestyle. He needs to "sober up his soul" in a sense. Do a LOT of self exploration and truly figure out what he wants to do with his life and what HE personally has to do to make attempt to stay away from the drugs. We are talking about a LIFE LONG battle. Addicts are always addicts for the rest of their lives----he just doesn't always have to be a using addict. This is going to be a long road for him, unfortunately.

And at 19, you are right, it will probably take longer for him to suffer more consequences of his actions. He is young and might just look at things like "Im just partying, being young, getting it out of my system" whatever rationalization an addict will try to use.

I think that you are making a good decision by not being around to watch him kill himself, just like you stated. It will actually, in the end, cause you just as much harm to watch him do it. It is not fair to either of you.

Maybe in the future, once he gets sober and really figures out who he is without drugs, you guys can reconcile. But right now, you have to be strong and know your boundaries with him.

 

[heroinisntreal]

Yes, my ex-boyfriend; I will always blame myself for it. When I was in my teens I met him when he was a freshman, I was a drug addict since I was 12 and I got him involved into doing stuff with me when I was 15. Little things at first and never anything beyond smoking, when I was 16 I was a severe heroin addict, and he left me for it, soon afterwards he became a heavy coke addict and X head. I got clean when I hit rock bottom at 17 from my friends locking me up in a storage room and going cold turkey; I lived on the streets and also was anorexic so I weighed 85 pounds at 5’6 during that time. My friends were also crack heads, coke heads you name it but some went to rehab voluntary and some involuntary and got clean and wanted me clean as well. My ex is still doing so much drugs and he really doesn’t see any wrong, he was a smart kid but he doesn’t do anything but go to raves get high and work to get high and lived with his folks still. I feel so horrible for it and will always feel bad and I did tell him this but he just brushes it off saying I don’t need to apologize etc... Etc.. I don’t think he’ll ever hit rock bottom and move on with his life but maybe I am wrong, I hope I am wrong. Sometimes people will continue on, just hang in there