jamie89
Well-known member
Hey ladies,
I just finished my sophomore year of college and am back home for the summer. I have a lot of time to think now without the stress of school, and believe it or not, I'm crazier now that I'm home.
In November, I broke up with my on/off boyfriend of 2.5 years. We started dating the summer after my junior year of high school. He was my first love, and we talked about growing old together. There is this undeniable magic between us that I still get misty about when I think about it. I know that I truly loved him. I went off to college, and though I loved him, I wanted to live the college life too. I know, it was awful of me. I ended up getting drunk and kissing guys and regretting it. We decided to take a break, but stayed in contact. I hooked up with other guys and he didn't. I went to a school 3000 miles away, and he stayed at home (goes to community college). I look back on this behavior, and absolutely hate myself. I can't believe I could do these things to him. While I was at school, I didn't see anything wrong with what I did, but when I thought about it I hated myself. I came back last summer, and really hated myself. I began seeing a therapist as my parents were afraid I was going to hurt myself. The relationship was addictive. I would cry myself to sleep every night out of self-hatred and guilt/shame. I felt a physical and mental aching that wouldn't go away. He forgave me and we tried the relationship again. But right before I left for school, the feeling of love just went away. It scared me. We were so dependent on one another and I felt responsible for his happiness. My heart felt numb. I went to school hoping it'd go away.
It didn't go away. I felt so strange about the relationship. I still cared so much, but felt weird. I did everything I could to make him happy - skipped out on parties to talk to him, did anything I could. It was exhausting. We were jealous, fought all the time, broke up and got back together. Eventually we broke up for good. We have had minimal contact. I am always busy at school, so it was pretty easy for me to keep my mind off of it. I go to school for theatre, and my professors noticed a "change" in me, as though something was lifted off my shoulders. I have been more focused and am excelling in my work and craft. I hooked up with boys at school and had fun and partied again. Whatever. These boys meant nothing to me. The only boy who has is him.
Though I know it was right to break up, I still have so much love for him in my heart. We are in two completely different places - he's still at home (he's 21, I'm 20), and I will be entering my junior year of college 3000 miles away (then off to London in the spring!). I check up on him without him knowing, just to know he's doing alright. I just want his happiness. He is exactly what I want in my future husband. The circumstances just screwed everything up. He was my best friend and first love. We were passionate in love and fights. I think of him, and compare every boy I meet to him. I'm back home, and looking back on the year and feel like crap about everything again. I know I am living the life of a regular college student, but can't help but think that I screwed things up with, quite literally, the man of my dreams. Timing really messes with my head. I overanalyze things and feel like a horrible person. I'm afraid I've lost him in my life forever, and it kills me to think that. It kills me to think stupid decisions I've made have done this, and I hate myself for it. We talked for four hours about a week ago, just catching up, and I bawled. Just hearing his voice and laughing and joking and clicking like we do, made me so happy and sad at the same time. My heart ached. There is such magic between us. I adore him and all that he is. I wished that he had fit into my life and that I hadn't made those stupid mistakes. I'm so scared that I've screwed this up forever.
Please tell me I will eventually grow up. I hate being so immature. I feel like I've screwed up so much in my life, it's impossible to screw up anymore. I know life gets harder, and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. Any advice, ladies?
I just finished my sophomore year of college and am back home for the summer. I have a lot of time to think now without the stress of school, and believe it or not, I'm crazier now that I'm home.
In November, I broke up with my on/off boyfriend of 2.5 years. We started dating the summer after my junior year of high school. He was my first love, and we talked about growing old together. There is this undeniable magic between us that I still get misty about when I think about it. I know that I truly loved him. I went off to college, and though I loved him, I wanted to live the college life too. I know, it was awful of me. I ended up getting drunk and kissing guys and regretting it. We decided to take a break, but stayed in contact. I hooked up with other guys and he didn't. I went to a school 3000 miles away, and he stayed at home (goes to community college). I look back on this behavior, and absolutely hate myself. I can't believe I could do these things to him. While I was at school, I didn't see anything wrong with what I did, but when I thought about it I hated myself. I came back last summer, and really hated myself. I began seeing a therapist as my parents were afraid I was going to hurt myself. The relationship was addictive. I would cry myself to sleep every night out of self-hatred and guilt/shame. I felt a physical and mental aching that wouldn't go away. He forgave me and we tried the relationship again. But right before I left for school, the feeling of love just went away. It scared me. We were so dependent on one another and I felt responsible for his happiness. My heart felt numb. I went to school hoping it'd go away.
It didn't go away. I felt so strange about the relationship. I still cared so much, but felt weird. I did everything I could to make him happy - skipped out on parties to talk to him, did anything I could. It was exhausting. We were jealous, fought all the time, broke up and got back together. Eventually we broke up for good. We have had minimal contact. I am always busy at school, so it was pretty easy for me to keep my mind off of it. I go to school for theatre, and my professors noticed a "change" in me, as though something was lifted off my shoulders. I have been more focused and am excelling in my work and craft. I hooked up with boys at school and had fun and partied again. Whatever. These boys meant nothing to me. The only boy who has is him.
Though I know it was right to break up, I still have so much love for him in my heart. We are in two completely different places - he's still at home (he's 21, I'm 20), and I will be entering my junior year of college 3000 miles away (then off to London in the spring!). I check up on him without him knowing, just to know he's doing alright. I just want his happiness. He is exactly what I want in my future husband. The circumstances just screwed everything up. He was my best friend and first love. We were passionate in love and fights. I think of him, and compare every boy I meet to him. I'm back home, and looking back on the year and feel like crap about everything again. I know I am living the life of a regular college student, but can't help but think that I screwed things up with, quite literally, the man of my dreams. Timing really messes with my head. I overanalyze things and feel like a horrible person. I'm afraid I've lost him in my life forever, and it kills me to think that. It kills me to think stupid decisions I've made have done this, and I hate myself for it. We talked for four hours about a week ago, just catching up, and I bawled. Just hearing his voice and laughing and joking and clicking like we do, made me so happy and sad at the same time. My heart ached. There is such magic between us. I adore him and all that he is. I wished that he had fit into my life and that I hadn't made those stupid mistakes. I'm so scared that I've screwed this up forever.
Please tell me I will eventually grow up. I hate being so immature. I feel like I've screwed up so much in my life, it's impossible to screw up anymore. I know life gets harder, and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. Any advice, ladies?