I can't seem to get past this.

[ashley8119]

So basically, this guy and I were planning a whole future together. Things were wonderful between us, we had some distance issues when I was living in PA for a short time before I came back to MI (where we both live)...anyway, he was a recovering drug addict when we started our relationship. I knew this, I accepted it. I thought he was done with it for good.

But unfortunately, he relapsed in mid-August. Blew off my birthday for a few lines of coke and a few hits of the pipe. He disappeared from everybody for awhile, then came back in October. He called me, explained what happened. The phone call was very emotionally charged, both of us were getting a little bit choked up. When both of our voices started shaking from crying, we ended the phone call before it got too hard for either of us to carry on. So in early November, he sent me a message over MySpace asking me how I've been doing. Then he disappeared again.

I can't seem to get past this. He used for five years straight, so he might use yet another five years. He was only 10 months clean in between that time. I can't wait or put my life on hold and wait for an addict. He's changed so much, he is nothing like the person I could have seen myself spending my life with. When he was still clean, he told me about his past with drug use, saying how different he is when he uses and that he's so glad that I wasn't around to see that side of him. He doesn't call me anymore or anything, he doesn't work anymore, he just lives to get high pretty much.

I know that this had nothing to do with me, he said that I made him the happiest he's ever been, "but things just got too hard." He was dealing with severe depression, getting laid off from his job, having to put his dog down (that he adored so much). It seems like the stability of his life was declining even in the last week we were together, he kept talking about drugs and how he missed it and didn't know how to deal with things anymore. He said that he wanted to deal with him in his way, the way he knows how to (drugs). I told him that I would help him, I even offered to help get him into rehab the last time we talked...but he refused my help both times, and turned back to drugs.

He's made it clear what he values more in his life right now. It hurts so bad. I shielded my heart for three years, until I finally was willing to open up again...and this happens.

All of my friends are sick of hearing about it, hearing me repeat myself over and over again, I just can't seem to get past it though.

I think about it all the time, it's pretty much taken me over in every way possible. I can't think about anything else really.

I need to get past it, I have to. I can't wait around for a drug addict, I know that he's not the person he used to be, the drugs have changed him into somebody that I don't really like. I just keep thinking of who he used to be, how things were...and that's the only thing I feel like I have to hold onto anymore.

He used to always tell me how lucky he was to have me, that I was the best thing in his life, that he never thought he would find somebody like me (somebody who doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs. All of his other friends do.), he would express concern and worry about me finding somebody better and cheating on him. He was cheated on by his ex-fiance (also a drug addict), and he used to worry that I would find somebody 'better' and leave him. He brought this up several times during one of our phone calls...saying that I deserved so much better than him, that he's never been with somebody who wasn't a "junkie loser" and he was worried that somebody who had "more to offer" would come around and take me away from him. I would always assure him that I wasn't settling with him, that I was content with what I had. And I was. He always said that he was so scared that I would throw him away...yet he's the one who threw me away. Then again, he said all of this during his 10 months of having a 'sober' mind. He's so different now. It's like a real life Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing.

I asked him how he can so easily turn me away, and hang out with his other (addict) friends without a problem. And all he could reply was: "They're just like me! You're better than me, you know it, and I know it. You're better than that! They're losers, just like me..."

Can somebody help me? Advice? Anything? Please..

 

[TISH1124]

The thing is once a addict always an addict, whether it be drugs, alcohol etc.......It is a lifelong struggle...and only he can decide if he is ready to commit to that struggle. There is nothing you did wrong...until he is ready to get clean for himself...there is really nothing anyone can do to help him IMO. I have a friend who went through this and no matter how bad we wanted it for her...she did not want it bad enough for herself. She gets clean for a few months...then right back to the same thing a few months later...Sometimes they feel the drugs are easier than the recovery process which is sad.
I feel so bad for you...But hopefully he will want it for himself before it's too late...they normally have to hit rock bottom or damn near death when they have been using for this long to really wake up and say enough...I want more out of my life.

Protect yourself at all times....being in a relationship with a drug addict can be very dangerous to you heathwise...Not to mention the mental of it all.

Big hugs sweetie! Keep your head up and just pray for him.

 

[Chikky]

*sighs*

This situation is so hard.

He does have to want it for himself. He may care for you very deeply, but can't shake the addiction yet. TISH is right; it's a lifelong struggle.

It's taking alot for me to not talk about my cousin here, but this is your thread.

I hope things turn out for the best for both of you. I can't tell you whether to continue with him and try to help him, or not.

I pray that he realizes what he needs to do, and that he gets the strength to help himself, and I also pray for strength for you.

 

[ShugAvery2001]

Once an addict... always an addict..

people have their ups and downs with their addictions. But it's a constant struggle and whoever decides to be with them goes through those struggles right with them.

If I were you I would move on actually. No sense in getting yourself into a bad situation ... and you're talking life.. shyiaaat


You know at some point... us ladies have to come to terms with being single sometimes. especially if the people we come across are toxic.

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ashley8119 "They're just like me! You're better than me, you know it, and I know it. You're better than that! They're losers, just like me..."

he's right, you know.

his excuses for relapsing are bullshit, plain and simple. i don't mean to be harsh, but i have no sympathy whatsoever for druggies. there is never a reason to use drugs, no matter how hard life gets; drugs are never the answer.

honestly, you're better off without him and in time you'll see that. my ex started abusing prescription pills and it was tough for me to handle. he lied about using them, he tried his best to hide them until one night one of his friends unknowingly let the cat out of the bag. i was furious. but in the end, i realized that's his battle and i don't need to be a part of it...whether that battle ends with him dead in a gutter or if he ends up being in the small number of addicts that wins the battle, it's one i don't need to be a part of in any capacity.

it simply is not worth it.

 

[TamiChoi]

sorry you have to go through this, but i think that you should just move on, you really don't need that in your life.
also, you can't change anyone unless they change themselves.
i say just live your life and better things will come your way.

 

[JoeyEmma]

Ignoring all the problems with the drugs, it sounds like its a pretty one sided relationship. He talks about how he needs you, how your the best thing for him, etc etc. What about you? What did he offer you? What were the good things about being in the relationship with him (apart from the feelings of being wanted etc). Did he make you happy, did he make you, smile, did you have fun and sit and laugh at stupid crap on tv?

 

[ashley8119]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JoeyEmma Ignoring all the problems with the drugs, it sounds like its a pretty one sided relationship. He talks about how he needs you, how your the best thing for him, etc etc. What about you? What did he offer you? What were the good things about being in the relationship with him (apart from the feelings of being wanted etc). Did he make you happy, did he make you, smile, did you have fun and sit and laugh at stupid crap on tv?

That's what is so hard. We "fit" together so well. He was so fun, and so nice. He never tried to pressure me or even talk about sex, he was just so understanding and genuine. When he told me that he relapsed, I was so sad. My initial thought was: "Don't go. I need you." I didn't tell him that, but I was thinking it. We were both crying on the phone, so I know that he is upset that he hurt me. I know that he didn't mean to hurt me, it just happened. It's just so hard because I'm terrified I will never be happy the way I was with him. I've done a lot of dating around in my day, sure I'm 19...but I've seen a lot of what different guys are like...but I've never known another guy like him, in any of my past relationships or any other relationship I have seen. I'm just so scared that I will never have that again. People keep telling me that I will, but I don't believe that I will.

Thanks to all who offered advice, it is very appreciated!

 

[blindpassion]

Someone will never change until they find the will themselves to do so.
But you can't wait around and dwell on what might have been if he really was to change or wanted to change.

As hard as it is to move on when you care for someone, its a situation where you can't win, at least not right now.