ashley8119
Well-known member
I've been building a relationship for the past [almost] 6 months with one of the best guys I have ever known. We have a lot of history from our childhood (from 1st grade to 7th grade), then he moved and I moved and then he came back but I was living somewhere else. To put a long story short: we got back in touch after 8 years. I was living in PA, he was back in MI. I'm back in MI for a few months, so we've been dating and hanging out. He is so nice and respectful and smart, and we challenge each other to really use our brains and think 'outside' of the box and see things from all perspectives. We have made plans for the future (short term goals like moving out of MI...together). He has always been very honest with me from the beginning. His brother and his girlfriend have told me how crazy he is about me, and our mutual friend (who is like a big sister to us, she's 26) tells me how happy I make him and that she thinks we could have something real. We're both 19, and we both agree that we've changed each other for the better.
So here was the first issue. He told me from the start that he had a cocaine addiction, and was clean for 6 months. He has almost been clean for a whole year now {since time has passed}. He told me that his drug past is a big part of him and will be a life-long struggle and that it was important to him that I know all parts of him, the good and the bad. He said that he hoped I could continue to be as accepting as I have been [after learning about his past in more detail], and of course I have been. He knows quite a bit about me [that I have problems with anxiety, OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and depression].
For some reason, I felt like something was wrong so I called him. I asked him how he was doing, if he was okay [I had a strange feeling that something was wrong]. He told me that he's been looking all over for a job (MI is in a really bad economical state, finding work is virtually impossible!) and that he's frustrated. Today he told me that he's been battling depression for a few years, but it's been getting worse as of the past few days and that he doesn't feel like himself. He then confided in me that he's been having really disturbing out of character thoughts. He said that the thoughts scare him. From having experience with OCD myself, I know that the symptom is a component of OCD. It's when you have disturbing thoughts that randomly pop into your head and they can be very frightening. They can sometimes be of a sexual, or violent nature. People don't act on these thoughts, they just randomly come into your head and then they leave. But they're scary. When I was 10 and was having the thoughts, I thought I was crazy and several times, I wanted to die because of them. He expressed the same to me, that the thoughts scare him and make him want to die. He said that although he's not suicidal, he gets terrified by the thoughts. I told him that I have the same thing, and that I understand. He wants to see a therapist and get on some anti-depressants, but he doesn't have insurance. He doesn't feel like he can tell anybody else about his problem, I'm the only one he felt comfortable telling. I want to do something for him, and help him out of this. I told him that I would be willing to listen to him and stick with him through this and help him in any way that I can. He was very appreciative, but I feel so helpless. It's hard to see somebody whom you care so much for, fighting such a scary and unfamiliar struggle (although the struggle is very familiar to me). Since I've been dealing with the OCD problems of my own for awhile, I'm fine with it. I can function just as well as anybody else {maybe even a little better than others}. It's not like OCD makes you mentally ill or anything. It's not a mental illness, it's rather a disorder...which are completely different things if you know your facts.
He even mentioned that he's been craving cocaine lately, because he has always turned to drugs when he couldn't deal with things. His addiction started when his dad kicked him out when he was 15, and he lived on the street and that's when his hard drug use began. He said that he doesn't want to go down that road again, but I'm so afraid that in a moment of weakness, he'll just be like "Screw it." and go back to it again.
Growing up with OCD and this component of it, I used to worry that one day I would meet a great guy and eventually have to tell him that part of me that I'm not too proud of, and it would freak him out and send him running the opposite direction. Like I said, the OCD and stuff aren't really issues anymore for me. It's extra hard for him, because he's never dealt with things before so he has absolutely no idea what he has and what is making him feel like that. Ever since this guy and I reconnected, I've felt like there was a true purpose for finding each other again...like we were meant to be in each other's lives and help each other and make each other strong again. Maybe this is that one thing in common that could build our relationship?
I realize that this is a HUGE test for us, and it's fairly early in our relationship for these kinds of trials. I don't want us to crumble because of this: We're young, we're 19! I'm trying to look at this from a positive outlook, and see this as an opportunity to continue building and strengthening our relationship.
I'm feeling very helpless about all of this, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he's going to go back to drugs, and that I might lose a wonderful person. He needs help, and I've been crying because I know that there is nothing I can do to really help him during this hard time in his life...
So here was the first issue. He told me from the start that he had a cocaine addiction, and was clean for 6 months. He has almost been clean for a whole year now {since time has passed}. He told me that his drug past is a big part of him and will be a life-long struggle and that it was important to him that I know all parts of him, the good and the bad. He said that he hoped I could continue to be as accepting as I have been [after learning about his past in more detail], and of course I have been. He knows quite a bit about me [that I have problems with anxiety, OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and depression].
For some reason, I felt like something was wrong so I called him. I asked him how he was doing, if he was okay [I had a strange feeling that something was wrong]. He told me that he's been looking all over for a job (MI is in a really bad economical state, finding work is virtually impossible!) and that he's frustrated. Today he told me that he's been battling depression for a few years, but it's been getting worse as of the past few days and that he doesn't feel like himself. He then confided in me that he's been having really disturbing out of character thoughts. He said that the thoughts scare him. From having experience with OCD myself, I know that the symptom is a component of OCD. It's when you have disturbing thoughts that randomly pop into your head and they can be very frightening. They can sometimes be of a sexual, or violent nature. People don't act on these thoughts, they just randomly come into your head and then they leave. But they're scary. When I was 10 and was having the thoughts, I thought I was crazy and several times, I wanted to die because of them. He expressed the same to me, that the thoughts scare him and make him want to die. He said that although he's not suicidal, he gets terrified by the thoughts. I told him that I have the same thing, and that I understand. He wants to see a therapist and get on some anti-depressants, but he doesn't have insurance. He doesn't feel like he can tell anybody else about his problem, I'm the only one he felt comfortable telling. I want to do something for him, and help him out of this. I told him that I would be willing to listen to him and stick with him through this and help him in any way that I can. He was very appreciative, but I feel so helpless. It's hard to see somebody whom you care so much for, fighting such a scary and unfamiliar struggle (although the struggle is very familiar to me). Since I've been dealing with the OCD problems of my own for awhile, I'm fine with it. I can function just as well as anybody else {maybe even a little better than others}. It's not like OCD makes you mentally ill or anything. It's not a mental illness, it's rather a disorder...which are completely different things if you know your facts.
He even mentioned that he's been craving cocaine lately, because he has always turned to drugs when he couldn't deal with things. His addiction started when his dad kicked him out when he was 15, and he lived on the street and that's when his hard drug use began. He said that he doesn't want to go down that road again, but I'm so afraid that in a moment of weakness, he'll just be like "Screw it." and go back to it again.
Growing up with OCD and this component of it, I used to worry that one day I would meet a great guy and eventually have to tell him that part of me that I'm not too proud of, and it would freak him out and send him running the opposite direction. Like I said, the OCD and stuff aren't really issues anymore for me. It's extra hard for him, because he's never dealt with things before so he has absolutely no idea what he has and what is making him feel like that. Ever since this guy and I reconnected, I've felt like there was a true purpose for finding each other again...like we were meant to be in each other's lives and help each other and make each other strong again. Maybe this is that one thing in common that could build our relationship?
I realize that this is a HUGE test for us, and it's fairly early in our relationship for these kinds of trials. I don't want us to crumble because of this: We're young, we're 19! I'm trying to look at this from a positive outlook, and see this as an opportunity to continue building and strengthening our relationship.
I'm feeling very helpless about all of this, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he's going to go back to drugs, and that I might lose a wonderful person. He needs help, and I've been crying because I know that there is nothing I can do to really help him during this hard time in his life...
