I hate his fiancee

[Dark_Phoenix]

I hate my older brother's fiancee. Alot. My parents are allowing them to stay in the house, and their wedding is in five weeks. This is a really long rant but the point is: how do I tell my brother I hate his fiancee without having him hate me?

Why do I hate her?

She's a bitch. We have a house staff of nine people (for six siblings, two parents, and my nona and papa <father's parents>), who help with house upkeep and management; life would be hellish without them. My mother would ground me for life if I was so much as bratty to a single person on staff.

My future sister in law has the NERVE to slap the table in the morning when she needs something. Or yells at one of the staff when her door wasn't closed after it was vacumed. I mean COME ON!!! I don't know wtf her problem is but she needs to get over herself.

She's a bitch to me. Calls me "darling" or "sweetie". I'm not sweetie. I'm not darling. My name is Appolinaria. Everoyne calls me Evey. So either call me one of those or don't speak to me at all. Don't ask me to do your laundry because you've been so bitchy to the staff that they "forget" yours. Don't tell me that I can't go out, you're not my mother. And don't insult my older brother's wife because she's Muslim (she kept making fun of her behind her back because she wears a hijab (head scarf) in public). It's rude, and I don't find it funny.

I just don't want to see my brother marry someone like this. They met in college, she's a f**king photography major and he's going to med school next year. Hello, wtf?!

I just don't know what to do... he seems really crazy about her, like always talking about how great she is, and planning for their wedding. He wouldn't stop telling me about how happy she's made him, and what they plan to do with the rest of their lives, etc..

I just don't want him to hate me for hating her.

I talked with my other older brother and he doesn't like her either but he told me not to say anything because the whole thing is bound to fall apart any day (they've been together for two years, any day huh?...).

She's lived with us before, for a few weeks in Amman and once before in Manama. She was a bitch then, but now it's getting worse... like she's expecting us to treat her nicely after how nasty she is. I try and stay away from her but she still bothers me.

Grrr.... What should I do?

 

[MiCHiE]

OMG. First off...kudos for not bitch-slapping her. You've shown tremendous maturity by telling her in an adult manner what's expected and how she should treat the staff. She, unfortunately, sounds like she has a long way to go. Shame on her for her actions. I say dump her off a balcony and invite me to stay. The staff can simply scratch her name off the basket and replace it with M-I-C-H-I-E.

 

[Shimmer]

If he loves her, it doesn't matter if you hate her. I learned that the hard way. If you love your brother and he loves his wife, it wouldn't be prudent to put him in a position to choose between the two of you.

 

[Dark_Phoenix]

I probably shouldn't... but she's just such a b-i-t-c-h. I'm wondering if it's the wedding stress or something. If I don't want to put my brother in a position, is there any nice way I can tell her to stop acting the way she is?

Other than straight out telling her to be nicer, which is what I've tried.

 

[Shimmer]

When she acts out, insults your sisterinlaw, tell her it's not acceptable. Actually, your brother or his wife needs to do that.
The best thing you can do in the situation is remain distantly civil and only acknowledge her when necessary.

 

[astronaut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ♥MiCHiE♥ OMG. First off...kudos for not bitch-slapping her. You've shown tremendous maturity by telling her in an adult manner what's expected and how she should treat the staff. She, unfortunately, sounds like she has a long way to go. Shame on her for her actions. I say dump her off a balcony and invite me to stay. The staff can simply scratch her name off the basket and replace it with M-I-C-H-I-E.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[triccc]

I would not have the patience for this person.. I hated my brothers x wife so badly. I never told him and tolerated her while she was around. Except one time when I blew up and told her off, but this was while they were only dating and she had said something wrong to me that was very insulting. But she wasn't as bad as your brother's fiancee.

Obviously they broke up after a little over a year of marriage (they were together a total of 3 1/2 years) and afterwards I told him how I felt about her, he wasn't exactly upset I didn't tell him, but he kind of wished I would. He said when you "love" someone you try not to look at their bad qualities and just learn to block them out, but if someone else brought it to your attention some of the things about the person that aren't admirable, it makes you take a second look.

My friend Mike, I didn't like his girlfriend at all. she used him and was rude, obnoxious and not to mention greedy.
I told him straight up how I felt and not to be angry at me for how I felt and he understood completely. He then told a person or two that I didn't like her and they started saying the same thing. After a very brief time, he broke up with her.

It's really up to you whether you feel you should tell him or not. Maybe you could just tell him how you don't like how she treats the staff or about the things she says about your sister in law and that maybe he should talk to her about her actions.

 

[jenii]

Just say you don't like her behavior, or her attitude towards everyone. But limit it to ways she's treated YOU. Getting upset for someone else's sake (your sister-in-law, the staff, etc.) will just come off as petty, like you're trying to make a list of ways this girl is a bitch.

I mean, she definitely sounds like a bitch, and it completely sucks how she treats the staff and family members, but you should only bring up what she's done to YOU.

 

[sexypuma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by triccc He said when you "love" someone you try not to look at their bad qualities and just learn to block them out, but if someone else brought it to your attention some of the things about the person that aren't admirable, it makes you take a second look.

I couldn't agree more. I didn't like my brother now ex-fiancee as well. But I kept it to me and pretended around them that everything was ok. Then, I figured that he was my brother, I loved him, therefore I owed him at least to be truthful to him. So I asked him to go on a walk with me and I told him how I felt about her. I also told him that I loved him and I respected his wish to be with her but I felt like he also needed to hear some stuff that he might be disregarding because of the way he felt about her. That day, he laughed and said that I just didn't know her well enough and that i shoudn't worry. But he also added that he was happy that I was truthful with him and that he could trust me even more because he knew that I would always tell him the truth no matter what. They broke up shortly after that. I guess when other people (especially people you are close to) start expressing doubts about your relationship, it forces you to take a closer, more objective look at the whole thing. I do believe that you should tell him. Just make it very rational and logical. State your reasons clearly and have examples to back them up. Please make sure to tell him that regardless of his choice you would still love him very much.
Good luck.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I would speak to her about how she's treating you and if she's going to make comments about your sister in law, don't make them to you because they're not amusing. You shouldn't be rude, but you don't have to candy coat, either.

Do you parents (who I suppose are footing the bill for the staff) not notice how she's treating the staff? It's really their place to say something to her about being kinder and more polite to them; if anything, it's in their best interest, because good honest help is difficult to find and these people could up and leave if they become fed up enough.

I don't care what's stressing her, she sounds really awful. Your older brother is more likely right; they'll probably break up if she continues this behavior. They'll live together in an apartment or house, and I imagine the stress of med school and any petty bs she brings will cause them to break up

 

[lara]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma_Frost This is a really long rant but the point is: how do I tell my brother I hate his fiancee without having him hate me?

You don't say anything.

She can be the biggest raging bitch that ever bitched, but if you go to your brother and say bluntly 'I hate your fiance', then you automatically become a bigger bitch than she is.

Unless you can control your emotions enough to have an objective discussion with your brother that doesn't involve you sounding like you're on the defensive ("she said this, she did this"), then don't even broach the subject until you can maintain that careful objectivity. Sometimes it pays to drape yourself in diplomacy.

Quote:

He wouldn't stop telling me about how happy she's made him, and what they plan to do with the rest of their lives, etc..

Sometimes you just have to put your feelings aside and trust people to make their own decisions. She might be a vile person, but ultimately you're not going to be the one who has to live with her.

That being said, I'd definitely be looking for a way to talk to her (not your brother) about her treatment of the staff. There's a chasm of difference between staff and servents, and that needs to be vocalised to her in a tactful way.

 

[Dark_Phoenix]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Do you parents (who I suppose are footing the bill for the staff) not notice how she's treating the staff? It's really their place to say something to her about being kinder and more polite to them; if anything, it's in their best interest, because good honest help is difficult to find and these people could up and leave if they become fed up enough.

My mother is in Nairobi until early July and my father is in Shanghai until the twentieth of June. Usually they're here at the beginning of the summer instead of the end but they've tried to travel (for work) so they won't miss the wedding. I haven't been able to reach my mother by phone but I'm sending her an e-mail today about what's going on. I already told my father, who told my brother, who told me to stop tatling to father.

;.; it's just myself, my grandparents (who speak little English, only Italian, so I don't think they know what she's saying), five of my brothers, and their wives and children. (one of my brothers is interning with my other grandfather in Dubai until August, lucky).

I really hope they do break up soon. I don't know how much more of her I can stand. My sister in law (whom I adore, we're totally great friends) doesn't know about what she's saying about her. I'm going to tell her today, I don't want what my future sister in law's saying to keep going on.

 

[MiCHiE]

If she's the bitch you say she is, your brother will realize it. I forgot I also had a SIL who I could not stand. She was a real bitch, though---still is. But, my brother is divorcing her ass now. She saw my brother and their daughter (whom he had weekend visitation that day) in Wal-Mart and the bitch didn't even acknowledge her own child because she was with him!!!

Honestly, I did exactly what Shimmer said and didn't say a thing while they were married. I went nowhere beyond, "Good Evening..." with her.

 

[triccc]

on a side note.. your family sounds so interesting!

 

[Eemaan]

what a complete ignoramous- making fun of your sis in law for wearing a hijaab? wth? is she 5??

where did your bro find such an eejit. poor you

 

[courters]

One way to approach would be to go to your brother and say something like "I know how much you love your fiancee and that you wouldn't care about her if she wasn't a good person. I'm just worried that the way she is behaving is making everyone think that she isn't a nice person and maybe she doesn't know how she is projecting herself? She has said/done a lot of mean things to me, to the staff, to our sister in law and maybe you should talk to her about it? I know you don't want everyone in the family disliking her."

Something to show that she is definitely behaving badly but that you are willing to believe that he hasn't chosen someone who is a total b*tch. Also, you should be able to give him very specific, very obvious examples of how she is treating people badly - maybe he is just oblivious to the whole thing.

I really did not like my sister's fiance, but I never said anything because I figured that she would break up with him - but it turns out that they got pregnant and now she is probably never going to break up with him (even though he is still the same creepy guy he was before). She told that she wished I had told her I hated him BEFORE she got pregnant.

 

[Shimmer]

In hindsight, EVERYONE 'wants' to be told.
But really, think about the number of times someone (a friend) has told you your SO is a jerk, or that they didn't like your SO. How well did that go over?

 

[MisStarrlight]

I agree with Courters. That sounds like a pretty good way to bring up the subject without being too accusing or whiny...but honestly, I wouldn't expect him to break up with her-especially so close to the wedding & since he is so much in love & all of that.

It's been my experience that people are going to make up their own minds about their relationships-no matter what people close to them have to say about it....

I really don't like my aunt's husband. I was 15 (I think) when they got married and refuse to refer to him as my uncle. I basically flipped out on their wedding day. I didn't want them to get married because ever since he came around he had taken her away from me...Thing have gotten slightly better, but we are nowhere near as close as we used to be (she is my Godmother also). I still cannot stand him & I keep (not so) secretly hoping they will get a divorce...thankfully now the rest of the family finally sees what I saw from the beginning. So I may have been wrong in the way that I acted on their wedding day, but at least they all now see that I'm not imagining things.

I also have a friend that I hated his girlfriend. He was pretty much my best friend freshman year of college. The second year of school he started dating his old high school sweetheart. From the moment he started talking to her again I told him she was bad news & that he should be careful. Well he got back together with her...they moved in together & he eventually ended up dropping out of school (he had to work continuously to support her & always was driving her around & buying her Prada & stuff). She wouldn't let him speak to anyone with a vagina-including people from his work & went as far as deleting everyone with a girl's name from his phone....3 years later he finally woke up & dumped her & we started talking again. He keeps telling me that I should have told him not to date her again (which he keeps insisting that I didn't).

 

[Dizzy]

Is there any way that you can speak to her about her behavior rather than your brother? I think that if you let her know that she can't treat the hired help like they're her personal servants she might get the hint. And honestly, if that does get back to your brother, would he be mad at that? I could be a little optimistic here, but maybe she's just never had help around the house and just doesn't know how to treat them properly?

About her talking about your sister in law- that's definately rude and uncalled for in any situation. I don't know about your family (I'm thinking we'd have different ways of handling things), but I know in mine it's definately appropriate to let someone know when their behavior is uncalled for and must change. Under no circumstances is it all right for an adult to make rude comments about another adult's choice of religion or how to express said religion.

You might never like her, and that's probably the last thing you want to hear (I know the feeling- I despise my oldest brother's fiancee like you can't imagine), but is there any way you could just set that aside for the sake of your brother? Her behavior, of course, has to change and I think that'd be something that you and her could talk about. Her personality, on the other hand, is something that you won't be able to change.

Anyways, best of luck to you. Hopefully you can find a happy medium of sorts with her, but if not, remember that you don't have to like her, just keep thinking that you're doing it for your brother (that's become my mantra).

 

[a914butterfly]

i can understand how you feel and simpathize with you, but you must remember that this is your brother's life and his choice and he has to live with her, and not you. If he can put up with her bitchiness, then good for him!!