I'm pissed, am I justified?

[NicksWifey]

I'm so fucking mad right now. This post is fueled on anger and Southern Comfort, so excuse any major cursing or mispellings on my part

There is a girl that used to with with Nick, my fiance. We have been together for almost a year and a half. When Nick and I first started dating, she was the only girl he worked with that NEVER spoke to me. I would say hello or goodbye to her and she would always ignore me. I just figured she was a bitch with a chip on her shoulder, so on my merry way I went. Not long after that, she quit the job. (Nick works a part-time job at Domino's Pizza and has for seven years in addition to his full-time job.) This girl is about 18, keep in mind.
Last year during football season, when the Giants were having a really good season, she would constantly text or call him during the games or IM him on the computer. When he told me, that pissed me off. I had been around her before with him while he was working and she stopped by to visit and like I said, she would hardly look at me or speak to me. I made him delete her number out of his cell phone, because it was angering me.

To make matters worse, this bitch likes to stop by on a frequent basis late at night before closing, but it's only on the weekends. And he ONLY works the weekends. Funny how she never stops by during the week to see her other former co-workers? And she supposedly has a boyfriend. There is nothing pretty about this girl and I'm not just saying that in a bitchy way, she really is nothing special to look at. BUT she is very athletic and she's into sports big time. My fat ass isn't, so it has always bothered me when Nick has been like "Yeah, Leslie came by Domino's tonight and we tossed the football around or played basketball. She's really good."

I have blown up about her visiting him before at work, especially if he's late coming home, because this slut has stopped by to get free food and horse around with the guys. Once a couple of months ago, I came by and she just glared and me and left ASAP as soon as I got there. Nick knows I hate her, but he refuses to do anything because he said she's his friend and he doesn't care if it makes me mad. WTF?!?!?! I mean he made me delete a couple of my former male lab partner's numbers out of my phone because he didn't like it when the texted me about homework assingments! So tonight I roll by Domino's around 11:00 after getting off of work and who's car do I see but hers in the parking lot! I immediately called Nick and he didn't pick up, so I pulled a u-turn and roared back to Domino's. All I could see was red and I literally felt like my heart was going to thump out of my chest. I walk into Domino's and find her playing basketball with him and one of his other male co-workers. I must've had this evil ass look on my face because she instantly clammed up and Nick came up to me and without thinking I said "What's THAT bitch doing here?" Nick tried to hurry up and get me out of the back alley before it escalated even further. I was screaming at him, telling him I didn't appreciate him not answering my phone call and that he would rather stay around and play basketball with "that cunt". I tried to go back out to say something to her, but she must've ran off and hid somewhere. I wasn't going to beat her ass, just confront her and tell her to step off and go home to own goddamn boyfriend.

Nick was sooooo pissed at me, he basically shoved me in my car and told me to go home. I really wanted to punch him in his face. It's not that I don't trust Nick, but I don't trust her. She's a skanky bitch who tries to use her so-called athletic side to get to guys. I mean seriously, he doesn't see me going back to my old job, playing basketball with my former male co-workers! And I know if I was, he wouldn't tolerate it either!

So was I overreacting or do I have a right to be pissed off?

 

[Shimmer]

How honest an answer are you looking for?
I can tell you what you want to hear and say hell yes tell that chick to mind her own, or I can be honest and tell you that the behavior you described sounds pretty insecure on your part.
If you've got boundaries about this girl that you would like to have him respect, you're going to have to present them to him respectfully and firmly, but not lose your mind when you see her around.
SHE doesn't owe you anything. SHE isn't the one with a commitment to you. HE is.

If you don't want him around her, and he chooses not to oblige you on that wish, your beef isn't with her, it's with him. You'll have to be the one to decide whether you can live with it or not. :/

 

[NicksWifey]

It's just really frustrating, because everytime I tell him I don't approve of it, he goes "What do you want me to do, tell her not to stop by?" NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!

He just came home and we got into an argument over it. So now he is drowning his sorrows with Smirnoff and playing Halo 3 for the 360. So much for talking. I think I'm going to sleep in my car tonight.

 

[~Crystal~]

*hugs* I know how you feel... and I probably would've been pretty pissed too lol, but then again, I tend to seriously overeact when the issue is over something like ths... and I know it.

To be truthful, I would have to say that your fiance really just thinks of her as a friend, no matter of how she might think of him. I mean, he probably just tells you that 'she's just a friend' and there's nothing going on, so get over it... which is fair enough. Friends are friends, and I'm sure that's the way he sees it, in light of how many guys (or mine anyways lol) just doesn't understand the issue that you may be overreacting to. I mean, sometimes guys can be just plain thick when it comes to understanding how a girl is feeling haha. I'm not saying that overreacting is a good thing lol but sometimes, you really just can't help how you feel...

HOWEVER if he has the expectation that you cut off all contact with those guys that he feels threatened by or annoyed at you for hanging around with, I really think that he should do the same for you. Fair's fair.

I mean, hell if my boyfriend asked me to do that, yet still hung around with a girl who he had gone out with in the past, clearly still likes him and i feel uncomfortable about, then YES i would be mad too!

Just have a talk with him about it. Ask him how he would like it if YOU hung out every weekend after work with a guy (who he knows and feels uncomfortable about) who kept dropping by to see you, and who you may have gone out with in the past, while he tries calling you lol. That ought to make him stop and think about it a little.

 

[prettysecrets]

Shimmer, you said it perfectly!

Hes said flat out that he doesnt care that you don't like this girl. Either you can accept it or not.

I totally understand your frustration though!

I personally find it annoying when guys are "friends" with ex's...I just feel like the chance of something happening again is always there and I'd rather be alone than deal with the headache of worrying about it all the time.

 

[NicksWifey]

She's not a former fling of his, just a former co-worker. But I've always thought that she had a thing for him, just by the way she's treated me and the way she dotes over him.

 

[Sexya(TM)?Princess]

it sounds like shes just a tomboy. he probaly sees her as guy in a way so he doesn't get ur prob with her.

im a girly girl times a million but i started to try and watch sports with my bf and listen to him go on n on talking about sports just to be a better gf towards him.even though im not that into it, it has helped our relationship in a weird way lol.

 

[~Crystal~]

Well, I'm sure not all the guys he has asked you to cut off contact with are ones that you've gone out with, by your mention of lab partners!

Pick one whom you know he particularly dislikes and use them as your example lol. It worked wonders for me... -__- because he clearly DOES care about things like that. The situation would be a bit different if the boy didn't care about you hanging around other guys, and you were the one flipping out over him spending time with a female 'friend'... but from the sounds of it, your guy DOES care.

I mean, it sounds like he's mad at you for overreacting. Well fair enough. Now let's try and get him to understand why you reacted the way you did, since he's prone to do the same.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey It's just really frustrating, because everytime I tell him I don't approve of it, he goes "What do you want me to do, tell her not to stop by?" NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! He just came home and we got into an argument over it. So now he is drowning his sorrows with Smirnoff and playing Halo 3 for the 360. So much for talking. I think I'm going to sleep in my car tonight.

Tell him you don't want him to tell her that, but that you want him to make it quite clear, through disinterest and an impersonal, very professional distance, that there's a wall there, and he's not interested in her. Tell him you want her to not have a reason to come by, and that you want him to simply ignore her.

But understand that if he's not willing to do that, one of you will have to give to make it work, or one of you will have to walk away.

 

[NicksWifey]

I just can't imagine ending a relationship over this shit, but I still feel like he should respect my decision over this ho and how I don't want her coming by every other weekend and what not.

I used to sleep with a married man when I was younger, many moons before Nick. Not trying to get judged for that, because I learned from my mistakes BUT, when I used to work at my former job Nick would say "Did Francois try and fuck you tonight?" I guess kinda like how I do with him and this bitch. So he knows what it feels like to be in my shoes, but he's just making me out to be the psycho bitch.

Nick HATES drama and I do too, but I have a horrible anger problem and bad attitude and if I feel like I'm being disrespected or someone I love is, I'm going to go off about it, like I did tonight. I WOULD NEVER show up at my former job and start shooting hoops with the dudes and texting them, IMing them, whatever. So I would appreciate it if he would do the same as me, but he doesn't get it.

 

[prettysecrets]

Something I've learned through trial and error: I can't change anyone's behavior but I can change my REACTION to it.

The reaction you have to something can make a world of difference.

Decide that you won't let this insignificant girl push your buttons anymore. Ignore her..You trust him and he probably doesnt want anything to do with her.

Don't give her any more of your power by getting angry

 

[TDoll]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey She's not a former fling of his, just a former co-worker. But I've always thought that she had a thing for him, just by the way she's treated me and the way she dotes over him.

I do think you have a right to feel the way you do. When you're committed to someone (which you majorly are because you are ENGAGED) then you have every right to express your feelings to your partner and you deserve to have them taken into consideration and respected. I don't think it is at all a sign of insecurity on your part considering how this girl treats you and the history of the situation...whether he dated her or not, if you feel strange about him hanging out with this girl when he works late, then he should respect your feelings if he's committed to you. (I have a feeling you've expressed your dislike of this girl to him)
Bottom line, it makes you uncomfortable. Period. He should respect your feelings. I'm sure you've made sacrifices for him (like you said about the male friends and stuff...) so he should do the same.
My husband and I went through similar situations early in our relationship before we were married. Nothing major...but there's just an understanding that if you're going to be majorly committed to someone, you're not going to hang out with friends of the opposite sex that your partner dislikes.
I'm not meaning to "fuel the fire" lol.... or anything, but I do think you are totally justified. Y'all are engaged...it's not a high school or casual dating relationship. He should respect your feelings.

 

[~Crystal~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by prettysecrets Something I've learned through trial and error: I can't change anyone's behavior but I can change my REACTION to it. The reaction you have to something can make a world of difference. Decide that you won't let this insignificant girl push your buttons anymore. Ignore her..You trust him and he probably doesnt want anything to do with her. Don't give her any more of your power by getting angry

Agreed!

and with what Shimmer said too!

That you two are commited to each other means that he should respect how you feel about issues like this... just like you do for him. One person can't make ALL the sacrifices.. that isn't going to work =\

 

[Beauty Mark]

While you cannot imagine ending a relationship over this, do you really want to spend time with someone you can't trust? You're guaranteed a lot of heartache, anger, etc. It isn't good for you if you can't trust him or he won't respect you

Honestly, he isn't some innocent victim. He chooses to not do anything about this girl.

I'm not sure if you're just distrustful of this particular girl (her behavior does seem odd) or any girl near your fiance. If it's the latter, that is an issue you'll need to work on. If it's the former, he should respect your wishes/

 

[NicksWifey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark I'm not sure if you're just distrustful of this particular girl (her behavior does seem odd) or any girl near your fiance. If it's the latter, that is an issue you'll need to work on. If it's the former, he should respect your wishes/

I see what you are saying and you are right. I'm naturally a jealous person. But I've never had any previous issues with another girl involving Nick. There was one slight problem with another former co-worker of his, but she ended up being really nice to me and we ended up getting along fine. So this is really the only situation I can think of where this girl has to me, been relentless. I mean she left Domino's over a year ago...why feel the need to constantly come by? And don't even use the excuse that it's because you want free food, because that's bullshit.

I honestly want to know...where the hell is her boyfriend? And why isn't she at home shooting hoops with him? That's what pisses me off the most.

 

[Beauty Mark]

She may not have a boyfriend. She may not care about him. Who knows? You can't do anything directly about her; it's really cold, but at the end of the day, she owes you nothing. She should, in all honesty, respect you and the bond that you have with your fiance, simply as a human being, but- she hasn't made any promises to you. He has.

If I were you (and I kinda understand where you're coming from- my boyfriend admitted to almost cheating on me about a month ago [I found out on my birthday this past Monday], and I've definitely felt my stomach churn last night when some girl came up and hugged him), I'd go to sleep. Neither of you, considering you both have been drinking are in a place where you're going to be capable of discussing this. You may say something you're going to regret. Staying up now is probably pissing you off even more; you're thinking about it, probably getting more and more riled up. It's not helpful, and you may get the nerve to scream and say awful things. Sleep will hopefully clear your head and help you address this as you, not you on alcohol

Good luck.

 

[Sexya(TM)?Princess]

i'm a really jealous person too with my bf, i've noticed the more i hold back what i want to yell at him about, the more anxiety i get whenever he's out without me. but when i do say something, he says that im trying to control him and im making sh*t up in my mind so i just let it go and feel anxious. he's not even doing anything wrong and i know that deep inside but i'm just insecure.

it sucks dealing with men and other women (friends or not) lol theres like no good answer

 

[M.A.C. head.]

I think you do have a right to be upset, but I agree with Shimmer that you have to handle yourself better. You have to be the better woman, and to do that, sometimes you have to bite your tongue.

There was a girl that my husband used to date who contacted him out of NO FREAKING WHERE after many years. When he told her that he was married and had a child she was floored and upset. She said all sorts of things about still being in love with him, wishing that they had all of that together. Well, my husband came to me that night and told me all about it. We laughed at the bitch for a minute, and then I contacted her. Now, by nature, I wanted to curse her out and tell her that "I would beat that ass", but instead I just told her that I was deeply offended that she would try to insult the integrity of my marriage. I also said that I thought she was pitiful to try to take a man away from his wife and child, and that if she kept doing things like that, she deserved everything bad that happened to her in life. That last part was extremely harsh, but I was able to get my point across without cursing or getting abrasive. He didn't save her number, so I had to tell her all of that in an email; but catch this: It must have touched her somehow because she was so embarassed that she called my husbands phone to talk to ME and apologize.

A little bit of forwardness and sterness can go a long way ;D

 

[NicksWifey]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I did something really stupid last night that I haven't done in years because Nick and I just argued even more after I logged off. The conversation went nowhere and I told him I would appreciate if he had nothing to do with her when she just had to stop by. His response? "Well I'm not a hateful person like you so I'm just not going to tell someone to fuck off." No, I don't expect you to, but I would expect you to just say "Hi, how's it going?" and leave it at that. Don't talk to her and don't fucking play sports with her.

So after we argued and he forced me to go to bed and everytime I tried to get up and leave the room, he would demand me to get back into bed. I was just so overwhelmed, by how he treated me and told me I was being a childish bitch and needed to grow up, that I went into the kitchen and cut myself on purpose. I haven't done that since high school and I know it was a really, really, really stupid thing on my part, but I didn't like the way he was treating me.

That didn't make matters better because when I showed him my arm, he basically kirked the hell out and just pushed me to the side. The cut was more like a slight cat scratch, I mean I didn't go and slit my wrists or anything. I realize now it was stupid, but I wanted attention and I can't go to bed with someone mad at me. I kept apologizing over & over but he didn't want to hear it. So I ended up sleeping on the couch and my mom called this morning and she and my dad had a conference call and they told me that I needed to "nip it in the bud" quick with him and basically tell him that if he loves me, he will not have any kind of relationship whatsoever with this bitch. My dad was pissed, I mean he wanted to come down here and have words with him.

Nick and I talked about it some this morning, but I was just getting more & more upset and finally realized that maybe I'm just jealous of ANY girl that comes around and would present herself like that, especially around my man. It's just something I'm going to have to work on myself, especially my horrible anger & attitude issues. Nick told me that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me but he's not going to spend the rest of his life with someone who's going to fly off the handle over everything. I'm just a very high-strung person and I'm hardly ever relaxed about anything. He said there's only so much he can do to help me, but it all starts with me.

So thanks everyone who responded to this post, nobody hurt my feelings, I can handle honesty and I think all of you ladies have been very honest with me, but in a positive way. So I really do appreciate you guys listening to my rant & rave for the last 24 hours

 

[duckduck]

Ug - that is definitely a rough night for the both of you. It is good that you have so much support and understanding from your family & I hope you can forgive yourself for having a relapse on the cutting. I can completely understand how you felt - you had no control over the situation with the other girl, and then your boyfriend wouldn't even let you control whether or not you stayed in bed. That "overwhelmed" feeling coupled with a little booze could definitely cause you to return to old habits. Just keep reminding yourself that it didn't get you what you really wanted, and that it didn't fix anything. That way next time things get out of hand, it will seem like a much less appealing reaction

Anyways, that all said, I'm sorry things went poorly last night, and I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better today.

I have actually been in a similar position before with my own boyfriend, so I figured I'd share & maybe it would help (or at least can't hurt!). About 2 years into us dating, we were living at college in the same dorm, but in different suites. People (boys & girls) came by his suite all of the time to hang out or whatever and it was never any big deal. Well, at one point, this girl who was a "lesbian" (fake college variety) started coming around a bunch. I never have cared, except she was really nice to my boyfriend, and standoffish and rude with me. Also, she seemed to want to hang around my boyfriend more than any of his suite mates, and she would usually leave if I showed up. I was really not getting good vibes off of this girl, and I told my boyfriend that she made me uncomfortable. He kind of blew it off because she was a really cool person with a really interesting perspective on the world, and, of course, claimed to be a lesbian. Well, this didn't help my feelings any, I could swear that she was interested in him & purposely alienated me in spite of my best efforts to befriend her.

Things continued on like this with me telling him I didn't like her or she made me uncomfortable, and him reassuring me that he would never hurt me and so fourth until finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I was felt sure that this girl was horning in on my relationship and I told him I didn't want him spending much time with her anymore. He got defensive and told me that I was driving him away from being able to have female friends and that I was restricting him and blah blah blah. He did promise to try and honor my wishes though, and stopped responding to her on AIM or hanging out with her much when she came by.

You should know that by this point I HATED this girl. I knew she wasn't the one to be angry with, but dammit, she was around and fucking with shit. She made me feel insecure and unwelcome and had my boyfriend not agreed to restrict their friendship more, I'm pretty sure I would have gone ape-shit on her ass one night after a drink or two. Luckily, we never actually got to that point.

A few months later, I was driving a friend of mine (and hers) to the airport & she came up in the conversation. The friend mentioned how this girl talked about she liked to try and piss me off by getting just a little *too* close to my boyfriend in front of me. What. The. Fuck. I didn't even know this bitch, and there she was playing around trying to hurt me & our relationship.

I told my boyfriend about this and he was pretty shocked. He apologized for doubting me, and was deeply disappointed to learn that someone he had though of as a friend would purposely try and hurt me or our relationship. It was at this point that we decided that it was fine for him to have female friends, but they had to be friendly with me too. Also, he promised to listen to me a lot sooner in the future when I told him that I didn't trust someone. I, in turn, agreed to try and get my own insecurities in check around other females.

We have been dating for 6 years now, and while I won't pretend our relationship is flawless, what problems we do have don't come from our friends of the opposite sex. I still feel insecure around the occasional cute, petite thing that's super into something that he likes and I don't, but then I make friends with her and everything is pretty much cool. It is understood, however, that if another girl comes along who has no interest in being friendly to me and doesn't want to hang around when I'm there, she's out. Hasn't happened in the 4 years since the first incident, but its good to know that if it does, I come first.