Is it even worth it anymore?

[MAC_Pixie04]

How do you know when it's time to move on, or whether you should keep trying to make a relationship work or not?

To make a long story short (which will still probably end up long) I'm starting to feel like my boyfriend really doesn't care about our relationship anymore. He's always making me feel like I'm the reason he doesn't see his friends and family anymore, which is horseshit, I see him maybe 2 days out of the week or less depending on work. I always feel like I'm forcing him to wanna hang out with me. He used to take me out in mixed crowds like parties and stuff, and now he totally goes out of his way to make sure I don't even want to go. For example, a friend of his invited me to a bbq. He never even told me about it, he automatically said "It's a Saturday, she'll probably have to work." I found out about it via Myspace, she's on my friend list. I'm just like If you didn't want me to go, just say it. If you don't want me around your friends, be upfront with me.
And tonight we were hanging out and I was leaving. By some miraculous scheduling, I have a a half day tomorrow, and I have Sunday off. Working in retail, that's a rarity. I asked if he'd maybe wanna hang out since I have the same time off as him and he goes "I dunno, I might have plans." which to me is like "I don't have plans, but something better than hanging out with you might come up and if it doesn't, I'll give you a call." Like I'm Plan B or something in case his friends don't have plans or whatever. So I finally called him out on everything. It wasn't a big argument, just me expressing how upset it makes me when he acts that way and him just saying "Sorry" like it didn't mean shit. And he goes "Well, I love you." and i didn't respond immediately, so he said "Fine, then I don't." WTF is that? Who says something like that to someone they supposedly care about and wanna be with?

I don't even know if its worth trying for anymore. And our time together is gonna become even less and less because in two weeks I'll be back at school fulltime and still balancing a partial-full time work schedule, and he's thinking about taking a second job.

I'm just kinda feeling like I'm being dicked around. I mean when things are good, they're really good. We laugh, we have fun, and it's awesome. But when it's not that good, it hurts. He doesn't realize that his passive attitude and lack of enthusiasm for wanting to be with me is really taking a toll on me and making me second-guess our relationship. I mean, maybe I'm smothering him a little, since he used to like stay out late and do stupid stuff with his friends when he was single, but being in a relationship with someone means being able to balance. If I'm seeing him two or 3 (three is RARE) out of the week, that's four or five days that we're apart and he can do whatever. And if he doesn't, is that my fault? And this is my first serious relationship ever, so I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do about it anymore.


*I tried to keep this short, but it's late, I'm upset and I'm rambling off of Passion tea.

 

[banjobama]

It sucks sometimes if all you get from your friends is, "it'll work out, it'll be ok." Sometimes, you need to make that break and move on. I was in a long relationship like this and I would have liked to have someone tell me to stop bothering. If you are having these kind of thoughts, it's probably best to try to meet other people. He should not be making you feel bad about something like him not seeing his friends/family. He's a grown man and can do what he pleases.

I say, move on.

I hope everything works out, no matter what you do!

 

[xbeatofangelx]

I feel like if you don't know if it's worth it or not, then chances are, it's not worth it. If it's worth it, you know for sure - you wouldn't question it. Same thing goes with loving/liking someone. If you're not sure, then chances are, you don't.

Just my philosophy =], of course there are always exceptions.

 

[frocher]

....

 

[giz2000]

*puts on Mom hat*

This is one of those times that you need to listen to what your heart is telling you. You're too young to be going through this crap (actually, no one is ever "old enough" for crap!) and deserve better. His blaming you for not being able to see his friends is lame. What...he can't call them and make plans with them when you're working, or something? I don't know...something just doesn't sound right. And what's that crap of "Fine, I don't" when you don't respond quickly enough to his "I love You?"


*takes Mom hat off*

Girl, kick him in the butt and tell him to wake the heck up or he'll lose the best thing that's ever happened to him in his life!

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[Hilly]

Have you talked to him about it? Does he give you that guy attitude answer "nothings up- get off my back"? If you havent talked about it, then probably do so. And if you have and nothing happened as a result, then maybe it's time to move on

IMHO.

 

[MACATTAK]

I always base my relationships on good vs. bad...if there is more good times than bad..great, if there is more bad times than good...time to re-evaluate the situation. Only you know what's good for you. You seem very smart & capable of making the right decision. It's never easy, but I hope that either way things get better for you

 

[miss holly j]

I know the feeling, my bf works ALOT and our schedules are opposite so we make time when we can. I feel like sometimes my bf doesn't love me and such I guess because we were so used to spending time togather and then it just slowed.
I'd say if he's not willing to make time for you when you two have time available something is up. I think he said he didn't love you cause he got frustrated and said it out of anger.
I believe in the end the only person who knows what the right decision is is you, we can all tell you our thoughts but its yours to make the decision.

Good luck !

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

I didn't really get a chance to talk him last night. I was just so hurt that I didn't want it to be a big scene and I didn't want him to see me cry. He came into my job this morning to apologize, but I think we just need space. I feel the complete opposite way, I don't need the space. But he does, and maybe we as a whole need it. I'm not going to call or beg him to hang out with me. If he wants to see me, he'll seek me out. And if he doesn't, then I guess I'll know then how he feels. I plan on talking to him and letting him know how I feel. He blames his shitty moods on work, and I can empathize. Things are slow, so he's not working as many hours, and he was promised a raise that he never got. When I lost my job last summer, it sucked and I was certainly unhappy 90% of the time, so I can understand. But blaming me for him not seeing his friends is bull. Like I said, at least 5 nights out of the week, he does his own thing, and if he doesn't hang out with them then, that isn't my fault.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I would talk to him, but if he doesn't seem to make any effort to change, I would dump him. You're going back to school, and if your relationship is still stressing you, your grades and/or your mental health will suffer. Not worth it!

 

[gitts]

My question is: how long has this behaviour been going on? Frankly his responses make me a bit wary. There maybe more underlying his behaviour than is openly apparent. Further more men often ask for space to explore other interests and use it as a "gentle" way to break up with their current girlfriend or to leave her hanging while he explores. Look carefully at you relationship over the last couple months. Infact another question is: how long have you been together? Anyway, look back at your relationship and make a note of when exactly his behaviour started to change and what exactly were those changes. Close analysis can be very revealing. Sorry that is the psychologist in me there.

 

[tsukiyomi]

He sounds like he doesn't want to grow up yet. I don't think he's ready for a committed relationship.

 

[kimmy]

i suggest you move on simply because of the "fine, then i don't" thing...to me, him saying something like that equals "stop wasting your time on me and go find someone better while i work on my people skills." hah.

srsly ashley, you're a gorgeous, funny, witty girl and you shouldn't have to put up with someone who isn't going to show you how fabulous you are.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

It's been a recent thing. Ever since his job got a new owner he's been unhappy with it, and right now business is slow so the owner sends him home first before anybody else, so as a manager, he has even less hours clocked in than a part time closer, which isn't very many. So it's stopping him from moving out of his mom's which he'd planned to do this year. Like I said, I can understand his being frustrated because I've been in that situation in another job, but it's not my fault or anyone else's but the people at his job. I guess he's been lashing out at just about everyone lately, so it's not just me. He's coming over later and I plan to talk to him about it. If he doesn't change, I'm not gonna wait around and fall victim to his crap attitude. He's not looking for another job and that's not my fault either, because I've been making that suggestion since day damn one. He just needs to learn how to balance things out. He needs to know when to switch off his work related issues and not bring them up around people outside of work. He needs to learn how to balance his time, and learn how to say "Not tonight, I'm overwhelmed, I need some time to myself" to everybody, including me. If he feels like he needs space, he needs to be a man and say it to me and whoever else he feels like he needs space from, his mother and sisters included.

I do agree that he just needs to start growing up. His job sucks, clearly, his friends aren't anything to brag about (most of them are high school/college dropouts who spend most of their time smoking weed or partying), and now he's all conflicted because he feels like he's not doing anything with his life. If he needs to have some time to himself to work out his issues and do some thinking and soul-searching, I'd be 100% happy to give it to him, even if it meant I didn't see him for awhile. I just wish he'd be upfront with me about it.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 It's been a recent thing. Ever since his job got a new owner he's been unhappy with it, and right now business is slow so the owner sends him home first before anybody else, so as a manager, he has even less hours clocked in than a part time closer, which isn't very many. So it's stopping him from moving out of his mom's which he'd planned to do this year. Like I said, I can understand his being frustrated because I've been in that situation in another job, but it's not my fault or anyone else's but the people at his job. I guess he's been lashing out at just about everyone lately, so it's not just me. He's coming over later and I plan to talk to him about it. If he doesn't change, I'm not gonna wait around and fall victim to his crap attitude. He's not looking for another job and that's not my fault either, because I've been making that suggestion since day damn one. He just needs to learn how to balance things out. He needs to know when to switch off his work related issues and not bring them up around people outside of work. He needs to learn how to balance his time, and learn how to say "Not tonight, I'm overwhelmed, I need some time to myself" to everybody, including me. If he feels like he needs space, he needs to be a man and say it to me and whoever else he feels like he needs space from, his mother and sisters included. I do agree that he just needs to start growing up. His job sucks, clearly, his friends aren't anything to brag about (most of them are high school/college dropouts who spend most of their time smoking weed or partying), and now he's all conflicted because he feels like he's not doing anything with his life. If he needs to have some time to himself to work out his issues and do some thinking and soul-searching, I'd be 100% happy to give it to him, even if it meant I didn't see him for awhile. I just wish he'd be upfront with me about it.

Your boyfriend has NO CLUE as to how great you are...

 

[kalest]

Men are a different breed, i have no clue what's going through their mind half the time. Just know that you can come here and vent and you will have the support of all of us with no matter what decision that you make..

 

[CantAffordMAC]

something doesn't seem right. but with everything u said, it seems like you already know it.
when he blames his not being able to see his family/friends, that sounds like he's making things up to argue about or to blame on you. and I think when a guy thinks up reasons like that, he's trying to get out of a relationship

it doesn't seem like he wants to make your relationship work. You talk to him, you tell him how you feel, but he gives you a pathetic apology and the whole i love you...fine then i dont thing. he's making it clear that SOMETHING is wrong with him.

if it were me, I would tell him I needed some time. theres no point in being in a relationship if the other person isn't acting right...its more like you're in a relationship with yourself (or not in one at all). You already tried to fix things, and he didn't get it. I would take some time apart; maybe he'll come to his senses and maybe he won't.

good luck with everything

 

[CantAffordMAC]

i have to add that I understand what you're saying about his job. My boyfriend has been in and out of so many jobs, and recently he's been looking for one. He has a really small part time job now, but he is still looking for something better. ever since he's been out of a job, he has been so snappy. I try to do something for him, he yells. I wake him up from a nap, he has an attitude. He just gets mad and snaps for no reason, and I must say that I kind of understand. I wish he didn't yell of course, but he probably feels like his manhood is in question, especially since i am working and saving a lot of my money, and i am smarter financially (im sorry but its true)

i dont know.

but i understand what you're saying.

 

[3jane]

y'know, maybe try pulling the reverse on him. For a week or two, don't chase after him to make plans or hang out or talk. Be independent-- do the things you want to do, make plans with friends, give yourself time to think, etc. I don't mean you should play games or anything, but try letting him come to you-- either he'll realize that you're pulling away and starts missing you, or he'll continue to blow you off. If he keeps blowing you off, sit the boy down for a talk about where the relationship is heading (or rather, isn't heading). Sometimes, it just needs to hit them that you're not going to sit around and always be there whenever he needs a backup plan.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3jane y'know, maybe try pulling the reverse on him. For a week or two, don't chase after him to make plans or hang out or talk. Be independent-- do the things you want to do, make plans with friends, give yourself time to think, etc. I don't mean you should play games or anything, but try letting him come to you-- either he'll realize that you're pulling away and starts missing you, or he'll continue to blow you off. If he keeps blowing you off, sit the boy down for a talk about where the relationship is heading (or rather, isn't heading). Sometimes, it just needs to hit them that you're not going to sit around and always be there whenever he needs a backup plan.

that's exactly what i've been doing. i'm gonna make him want me the way he used to. and if that doesn't work, I'll know it's not meant to go on this way. i agree about not playing games, and when he came over last night i said that i'd really appreciate it if he could open up to me and let me know if he's not feeling up to hanging out or if he feels like he needs his own space.

it probably doesn't help that he's mildly bipolar with adhd, and his attitudes go up and down and up and down, which i know he kinda can't help to an extent. we had a heart to heart and he expressed to me that things happened to him as a kid that have him kind of screwed up about getting close to people (i won't mention them on the internet, duh, but it's easily figured out.), so it makes him act weird when he gets close or vulnerable around people. I can't understand because things that have happened to him haven't happened to me. I haven't had a parent die (thank God, I dunno what I'd do) early in my upbringing, or watch a lot of friends overdose on drugs or crash cars drunk (he doesnt' do any drugs and he's stopped drinking completely thank the lord again). However, even though these things haven't happened to me, I'd really like to be there and support him if he's ever feeling odd or freaked out or upset about things. I think he just needs to learn to channel his frustrations. I suggested a physical sport so he can be an asshole to a football or something instead of to me.

We'll see; I'm gonna give it some time and if it doesn't improve, then I've done all I can.