my bf's drinking.....

[Honey B. Fly]

my boyfriend gets really drunk about 4-5 times a week and he will say the most degrading things i have ever heard 2 me. the next morning he will tell me that he was just drunk and i shouldnt listen to him or take it serious.

i do not drink at all so i dont understand the whole drunk thing. like i really dont know if i should believe thats who he really is and thats how he really feels because hes not like that when he is sober

i am so confused.he is a PIG when he is drunk and it disgusts me the next day, like 2 the point where i cant even get out of bed because i am so mentally drained from the night b4. but i still love him so much

i dont know what the hell to do

i am not ready to give up on us yet, do u guys have any advice on how i can explain to him that hes really hurting me bad? he doesnt take me serious because i know im saying it the wrong way

 

[lalaxp]

My ex also used to be like yours.. Eh..

 

[landonsmother]

my BF was like that. my BF & i have been through hell & back. if you feel the relationship is worth saving, then sit down & talk to him. get him help. he'll do it if he really cares about you. first step is that he has to admit he's an alcoholic.

 

[user79]

He sounds like he has a problem with alcoholism. Would he be into getting some help with it? Maybe you two can go together, but he def has to realize first that it is a problem and that he needs help.

 

[adela88]

since he apoligises to you (as unsincere it sounds) he knows he did somthing wrong.he still chooses to get drunk even though he knows it hurts you. hes choosing drinking over you.you may love him alot, but does he show the same affection back

 

[SparklingWaves]

He can make all the excuses he wants, but both personalities are him. One is him sober and one is him under the influence. It doesn't seem like he is taking accountability for the personality that he takes on while he is under the influence. So, it's up to you how long you want to keep putting up with the abusive personality that's under the influence that he isn't taking full accountability for in the relationship.

 

[Jennifer Mcfly]

as much as i want to say stay with him and get him help...my instinct says leave. it sounds like it's going to take alot of time and help for him to get help and recover...it's up to you if you want to stay around for all that...with no gaurantee that he will get help and stay sober. you have to look out for your well being, your emotional and mental stability.
if he's not serious about getting help, then you need to get out.
if he is serious, then stick by him and see how it goes. but don't keep letting yourself be a victim. sometimes you have a choice what happens to you...

 

[a914butterfly]

my ex husband was like that. would mentally and physically abuse me when he was drunk (which was often). anyway to make a long story short, he would always appoligize when sober, but as soon as he was drunk again it was the same old shit again. anyway i had enough and i learned through counseling (yes, i needed therapy because of his crap)that when they are drunk they speak the truth because they are so druck they dont hold back and think about their words or actions. tell your man to sober up, get help (AA), or get out!! (just my opinion from someone who has been there)

 

[girlstar]

Getting drunk 4-5 times a week!!? Wow.. how the hell do you put up with that?! I wouldn't stand for it one bit! That guy needs help in the form of AA, and he needs a wakeup call that treating you like that is NOT OKAY.

Personally, my first instinct would be to get out of that relationship. I know you love him and don't feel that you're ready to give up yet, but he does not respect you. His drinking is affecting you and he doesn't seem to care enough to want to do anything to stop it. He definitely needs help, and by essentially forgiving him (I mean, if my boyfriend did that, I would raise hell like no other.. he is telling you to not take it serious, and you're kinda accepting it and leaving it at that, right?), you're making him think the behaviour is okay.

It sounds to me like this guy really needs to get off the sauce. And quitting drinking isn't easy, especially for alcoholics. Believe me, I've tried to get a boyfriend to quit before. It was fine when everything was good between us, but if we got in a fight, he would go out, get plastered, then throw it in my face about how much he drank, how hammered he was, etc. because he knew how much it hurt me. In the end, I couldn't take it - it ruined any feelings I had as I had seen the *real* him.

Good luck, girly

 

[alien21xx]

I'm not going to tell you to leave him if you still feel the relationship is worth saving. Believe me, I can understand how much it hurts when your SO says or implies demeaning things about you (since my bf has been doing this all week, and he's not even plastered) but because you also know what a good person he is when he isn't drunk, it's very difficult to make it a choice to leave.

However, I do agree with all of the ladies above who say that you need to get him to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem. And he needs serious help.

I also think that you don't have to accept his apologies when he says sorry the next day. Drunk or not does not give him, or anyone, an excuse to treat you like a dishrag.

I'm hoping that the best will turn out for the both of you and that your bf gets the help he needs to stop drinking and abusing you when under the influence.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly my boyfriend gets really drunk about 4-5 times a week and he will say the most degrading things i have ever heard 2 me. the next morning he will tell me that he was just drunk and i shouldnt listen to him or take it serious.

Being drunk is never an escuse for anything.

 

[NutMeg]

Ever heard the saying "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"? It might not be true in this case, but either way he's putting more value on his experience of being drunk than what it does to you when it happens. And sorry, he is completely responsible for his actions, drunk or sober. If he makes the excuse that he can't control himself when he's drunk, then he is responsible for putting himself in a situation where he knows that he is going to hurt you. You don't seem to understand that he is abusive. What he is doing to you is abuse. And don't let him decide if the relationship is going to work. You get to decide how you are treated and what you will put up with, and right now you are making the decision to allow him to be degrading and disrespectful to you. Don't allow him to treat you like that. If he doesn't stop, and it doesn't sound like he will because he doesn't take you or your feelings seriously, leave. Don't threaten, just leave.

 

[ratmist]

My advice is really simple: save yourself first before trying to save anyone or anything else - and that includes a negative relationship, no matter how positive it may seem at times.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Being drunk is never an escuse for anything.

Agreed.

 

[Evey]

My exboyfriend was like that and he would say all kinds of degrading things to me while he was drunk and even when he wasn't drunk sometimes. He would go out with his friends and never take me out with them because he said that I would ruin his good time...he's not going to change for anyone. I know because I tried to get him to stop. I tried telling him that he hurts me and makes me feel worthless and he continued to do it. People like that don't change. This is not healthy for you. You need to think about yourself before you think about him. He's not taking you into consideration at all. I was so unhappy for a LONG time and didn't even realize it until I got him completely out of my life. Sure it hurt in the begining but in the long run I am so much more happy now then i've ever been in my life. Don't let him talk you into staying either. If he's not willing to cut out the drinking for you, then he's not worth your time. I'm sorry. I agree with the people saying that when he's drunk he's telling you how he really feels because it's true. And if he can stand in front of your face and say those demeaning things to you and hurt you like that then turn around and say OH it was just the alcohol talking you're just being silly don't take it seriously then he's a sorry excuse for a man for doing this to you. NO man that respects his girlfriend/wife will do something like this. BELIEVE me....there's better out there. WAY better.

 

[ms_bloom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"

I agree (and the same applies for women). We regulate our actions and our words so closely when we are sober and a lot of it is subconscious. Whether alcohol actually inhibits that regulation or whether people just think it gives them an excuse (there is a study somewhere showing that people who think they've drunk alcohol when they haven't still act drunk), I think people's true colours show through when they are drunk.

 

[Honey B. Fly]

i know 4 a fact he will never get help, i love this man so fckin much it drives me crazy because i know i don't deserve what he does to me. i just don't know, i'm not at the point yet where i want to leave and it scares me. i just really believe he doesn't mean it sometimes and hes taking out his whole lifes problems on me. and i know thats wrong but i can understand that.it really sux hes like this. because when he is sober, hes like perfect to me.

im either brainwashed or something inside me knows hell get better once things get less stressful 4 us, because i know they have been lately.

omg i just don't know right now.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms_bloom (there is a study somewhere showing that people who think they've drunk alcohol when they haven't still act drunk), I think people's true colours show through when they are drunk.

Heh reminds me of that 50 first dates movie where he orders virgin drinks for the girls he takes out on dates so he won't feel like he's taking advantage of them since they are actually sober lol.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly im either brainwashed or something inside me knows hell get better once things get less stressful 4 us, because i know they have been lately.[/color][/b]

I think all of us have held onto relationships that everyone BUT us could see were toxic, because all we wanted to believe was they he will change. And we ALL rationalize that the bad isn't really that bad because every once in a while he is soooo sweet and caring, and acts like the man we fell in love with. But then a few days later he's back to taking advantage of us, and for some reason, were still with him.

 

[Evey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I think all of us have held onto relationships that everyone BUT us could see were toxic, because all we wanted to believe was they he will change. And we ALL rationalize that the bad isn't really that bad because every once in a while he is soooo sweet and caring, and acts like the man we fell in love with. But then a few days later he's back to taking advantage of us, and for some reason, were still with him.

exactly