my bf's drinking.....

[j_absinthe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves He can make all the excuses he wants, but both personalities are him. One is him sober and one is him under the influence. It doesn't seem like he is taking accountability for the personality that he takes on while he is under the influence. So, it's up to you how long you want to keep putting up with the abusive personality that's under the influence that he isn't taking full accountability for in the relationship.

Just what I was going to say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly i know 4 a fact he will never get help, i love this man so fckin much it drives me crazy because i know i don't deserve what he does to me. i just don't know, i'm not at the point yet where i want to leave and it scares me. i just really believe he doesn't mean it sometimes and hes taking out his whole lifes problems on me. and i know thats wrong but i can understand that.it really sux hes like this. because when he is sober, hes like perfect to me. im either brainwashed or something inside me knows hell get better once things get less stressful 4 us, because i know they have been lately. omg i just don't know right now.

You seem to be answering alot of your own questions.

"Will he accept help?" No.
"Do I deserve this?" No.

He's obviously using the hooch as a crutch to get by, and he's only going to continue using it as an excuse to degrade you as much as you let him.

Are you sure it's love or are you both just complacent?

The only way he'll change is if he realizes he has something to lose.

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms_bloom I agree (and the same applies for women). We regulate our actions and our words so closely when we are sober and a lot of it is subconscious. Whether alcohol actually inhibits that regulation or whether people just think it gives them an excuse (there is a study somewhere showing that people who think they've drunk alcohol when they haven't still act drunk), I think people's true colours show through when they are drunk.

In vino veritas

 

[Araylan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by j_absinthe J You seem to be answering alot of your own questions. "Will he accept help?" No. "Do I deserve this?" No. ... The only way he'll change is if he realizes he has something to lose.

Exactly. You will never deserve something like that and it reminds me of when I see people who aren't very happy in a relationship, so they get married and think things will miraculously get better. It doesn't work and never will. If he wants to stop drinking and being an asshole, he will. Nothing you can say will make him stop until he's good and ready. Personally, I wouldn't put up with this. You should get away for awhile...maybe go to a friend or family member's house. Being away from him might help you think everything through. And don't stay in the house the whole time you're there. Go out and do something. Shop, go to a club, do something to show yourself how even if you're single, life can be better. Good luck hon.

 

[wolfsong]

People that take their stress and emotions on others (especially whilst using substances as an excuse) almost always progress to physical (or sexual - my parents sex life can be defined as 'consented rape') abuse. I think you should ask yourself how much worse does he need to get to leave him? Would you brush off a black eye if he apologized the next day? Would you accept him forcing himself on you whilst drunk?

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I grew up with an abusive drunk/druggie for a father - he would say and do the most vile things and either 'not remember' when sobered, or still think it was justified (he was the 'victim' and the martyr in all situations). He also has the ‘ingenious’ idea of saying we are all crazy – yes we are ALL insane because we ALL have the same memories, or similar ones…. He never said sorry after either, I don’t know if in the beginning he bothered to or not.

If you give people like that a foot, they'll take a mile - they will think they can get away with it, that you deserve it, and YOU are allowing this to happen. He knows he has you under the thumb; it’s only a matter of time before the pretence of alcohol isn’t used, and YOU will be the one to blame for his words/actions (in his eyes). I know this from experience (mine and my mothers) - my father has blamed his entire marriage problem, his rages and him repeatedly trying to kill my mother on me whilst completely sober countless times (once when he had driven me to the doctors, went in with me and told the doctor everything I was saying was made up - I was actually trying to seek help for some serious issues I have since fucked myself up with, and he knew this. I didn’t actually mention anything about him to the doctor, though I shouldn’t have been surprised that he reacted this way- he disowned my sister for going to therapy to deal with a death, because he was paranoid she would talk about him). He doesn’t think he is an alcoholic (bullshit), he’s also refused anger management and getting help in the past, despite knowing how much he has fucked up his wife and children.

I tell you this because you should be aware of what you may be getting yourself into – the violence only started when they were married and this type of ‘relationship’ is a lot more common then you think.
You may love that person with all your heart, but you can’t make him love or respect you. Think about what will happen if you get married and have children - people like that think they own you when they have a ring on your finger.
If he refuses help now, and doesn’t take your emotions/feelings seriously, then he never will. There’s a reason people use the phrase ‘blinded by love’.

 

[marreyes38]

GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM...if he doesnt stop drinking you'll leave him...I'll be hard for the both of you but its the only way to make him understand how serious you are...if he doesnt stop drinking then he really doesnt love you how he says he does, and all the mean things he does and says when he gets drunk reflect how he truly feels n its not just the alcohol talking...

 

[Honey B. Fly]

u know everything u guys are typing, is everything that i already know and feel, and i STILL can sit here and say i cant leave him. like i feel SO bad after telling him hes a loser when hes drunk. the next day he'll somehow remember that and he'll make ME feel bad 4 saying it 2 him.

u know what it is, we have really good sex because we fight so much. and i have soooo much passion for him, i feel like i will never ever find a man who could do that to me. he is so romantic somedays that i just feel like im dreaming and then we have days where hes the biggest fcking asshole in the world and i hate his guts. but the only time hes like that is when he is drunk, and hell never quit drinking.

so its a big confusing mess in my head.

 

[wolfsong]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly u know everything u guys are typing, is everything that i already know and feel, and i STILL can sit here and say i cant leave him. like i feel SO bad after telling him hes a loser when hes drunk. the next day he'll somehow remember that and he'll make ME feel bad 4 saying it 2 him. u know what it is, we have really good sex because we fight so much. and i have soooo much passion for him, i feel like i will never ever find a man who could do that to me. he is so romantic somedays that i just feel like im dreaming and then we have days where hes the biggest fcking asshole in the world and i hate his guts. but the only time hes like that is when he is drunk, and hell never quit drinking. so its a big confusing mess in my head.

Thats how they get to you - they make you think YOU are the bad person - twisting situations. Being sweet and everything you want in a boyfriend for a few days is how they keep you. This is classic manipulative behaviour, and because HE is the one controlling the situation, he is always two steps ahead of you. This means he will know how you will act towards certain situations, and counteract this. It may seem like what is being written (especially by me) is OTT, and just extreme versions of your situation, but this is how these situations start - they get worse over time, which is why most of the victims stay for so long (they have invested so much time, energy and love into the relationship and are either convinced that they will change, that they dont mean it, or that they deserve it - that the man they once knew is still there). Well guess what? This is him showing his true colours.

You can get all those wonderful qualities with MANY men(/women), without all this abusive behaviour - it doesnt come hand in hand, and it isnt something you should just 'accept' in him.
You have said that he doesnt care about your mental wellbeing, how can he love you if he doesnt have any basic respect or affection for you?

Until you realise that you DO NOT deserve this behaviour, then all the posts in the world wont mean a thing. Have you talked with friends and/or family about this? Maybe they can help clear your head, if not its a good idea to have someone in your life that knows about it just incase he gets worse before the relationship ends - though no one buys the 'walking into doors' line.

I hope that you find the strength to seek safety and happiness (whether on your own, or with someone that will treat you how you deserve to be treated).

 

[Ms. Z]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Being drunk is never an escuse for anything.

I also agree!

Did you ever see the episode of Friends when Monica’s bf Fun Bobby quit drinking? She ended up leaving him because he was a totally different person when he was sober. The reason I mention this is because my ex (much to my horror) was an undercover alcoholic, in the years we were together he was not verbally abusive but he'd say stupid things to people like call them fat when he himself was 60lbs. overweight. When I realized it (took me a long time because I was extremely stupid and trusting…. I won’t blame it on youth) I brought it to his attention, he didn’t stop, so I broke off the engagement and kicked him out of our home (after this experience I have immediately dumped any guy who I think drinks to much or if I discover any drug use). In some literature I received back then I read that when you are with someone with a substance abuse problem, if and when they quit their personality will be different and you two will probably not get along.

The way I see it, I was not put on this earth to put up with BS, and I won’t. My mother didn’t teach me much, but the one thing she told me when I was a teen is, its better to be alone than in bad company…… I believe that!

I don’t understand why anyone would put up with that behavior when they don’t live their life that way. Some people may say I’m harsh, but I say DUMP that LOSER!

P.S. Good Luck & Be strong!

 

[lipstickandhate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly u know everything u guys are typing, is everything that i already know and feel, and i STILL can sit here and say i cant leave him. like i feel SO bad after telling him hes a loser when hes drunk. the next day he'll somehow remember that and he'll make ME feel bad 4 saying it 2 him. u know what it is, we have really good sex because we fight so much. and i have soooo much passion for him, i feel like i will never ever find a man who could do that to me. he is so romantic somedays that i just feel like im dreaming and then we have days where hes the biggest fcking asshole in the world and i hate his guts. but the only time hes like that is when he is drunk, and hell never quit drinking. so its a big confusing mess in my head.

Sometimes doing the right thing is painful. If you're not willing to leave for your own sanity and safety, there's nothing anyone here can do to encourage or help you. At that point, you're choosing to stay in an abusive relationship. You can't be a rug if you don't lie down.