My fiances lil sister.. age 16.. #of suicide attempts:6 bipolar&depressed need advice

[xxManBeaterxx]

Short info on me: Age 22, fiance age 23, been together for 6 years, we have a little girl who is 2 1/2.. He has a career, i'm in pharmacy school, and we are in the process of buying our first condo.... I think these are important details.. now on to the story..

Since she was 9 years my fiances sister has been cutting herself, she drinks, smokes, has sex, dropped out of highschool, ran away, attempted suicide 6 times by trying to overdose on precription pills, she lies to whatever friends she has, went out with her ex boyfriend of 3 years best friend last month, she suffers from clinical depression, mild bipolar, and a few other things.

His parents arent the best of parents, they divorced 4 years ago, their dad just got married after meeting a woman online for 1 month and now lives in a different country with that woman he met, and their mom who makes decent money gambles everything away, she lives with her mom now...

My fiances mom wants her to come live with me for a while, she said she needs some good influence in her life, and i have no idea what to think or do. Shes not my responsibility, but if she stays with that woman shes going to wind up dead in 2 years. Shes turning 17 in 4 months, and i think his sister needs a strict yet understanding diciplinarian, positive people, and hours and hours of therapy. If i take her this will probably cause a lot of harm to me and my boyfriends stable relationship, we are young yourselves, but i want to help her soo badly but this is a huge step, and we live in different bodies of water so its not like i can just drive to see her.

If she moves this will be a permanant change, i've known this for about 2 weeks now, but my mind was soo busy with finals it finally sunk in, if we say yes, she will be moving in sometime in july, maybe she can just stay for the summer? But years of what she went through wont go away in 2 months.... should i even bother? *sigh*

 

[Abbytabby]

Honestly this may not be what you want to hear but I think the girl needs to be in serious counseling and maybe in a hospital for a while. I know people can feel horribly guilty about doing that to a loved one but I don't see her getting better just because she's with someone more stable and the suicide attempts sound like she's crying out for help and if she doesn't get it one day she might be successful.

My brother is bipolar and tried commiting suicide numerous times, once he even tried setting his bedroom on fire after everyone had gone to sleep. Because he was an adult my mom could not have him commited herself and he had no insurance so there was nothing she could do about it. He'd be taken in, put on a three day hold then get out and do it again. She was finally able to get him in a hospital and everyone made her feel guilty about it because she was "locking her son up and forgetting about him" so it was horribly hard on her but she knew that if he wasn't there one day he'd succeed even though he didn't really want to and then she'd feel even more guilty.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you but I really think the two of you need to give some serious thought to whether you can handle it or not.

 

[GlossyAbby]

I agree I think she needs professional help. Since you ahve child of your own I wouldnt bring her into your home until she gets serious help

 

[Beauty Mark]

The short answer: his sister is way too troubled for you and your fiance to handle. I'm extremely sad for her that no one has helped her yet; her parents truly failed her and IMO, it's really wrong of the mother to pass her onto you and your fiance. While it sounds like you two are pretty adult, you're not probably old or mature enough to really raise a 17 year old. Will she respect you? What kind of punishment can you two honestly enforce? Will she harm your child, either intentionally or accidentally? Can you two honestly afford another mouth to feed?

I don't know honestly why she is the way she is. I don't think you're capable of helping her. I think the kind of help she needs is professional.

On the very off chance you choose to let her live with you, you better establish some hard and fast rules.

 

[glassy girl]

I agree with all the above. I know u guys want to help her and the best help u can give her is real professional help, people who understand and deal with this stuff all the time. If u dont no how to deal with these problems it might be a bad situation 4 u and her. Sometimes love won't help a person with such issues it sounds like she needs real, professional help u guys as her family can encourage her, be there 4 her, pray 4 her ect. while she goes thru counseling, hospital, recovery ect.The best thing u can do 4 her is to get her help she will thank u in the long run GOOD LUCK!!

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

I don't think she can be helped by anyone now but a professional. And you really have to take the safety of your child into consideration, since she is so unstable who knows when or how she might snap. I know you love her and want to help her, but sometimes the best intentions can't fix someone. I'd recommend to her mother that she have her committed if she is able.

 

[DirtyHarriet]

i have to agree with getting her some major professional help. maybe you can put her into a clinic or something that is close to where you live, then you can visit and still be supportive? also, you can have her stay with you after she's out, so she doesn't have to go back to her old environment?

you do have to protect your family though, especially your young child. so if this girl is going to go back to her old ways, you have to be prepared to kick her out. if you are not prepared for that, then you should not let her move in. that may be harsh, but it's possible that you are not able to help her...so you have to be prepared for the worst.

it's a tough situation all around, and i'm sorry you are involved in dealing with this mess, since you're right, it's not your responsibility.

all the best to you and your fiance's sister!

 

[COBI]

I rent a house. The owner is a pyschologist (somewhat well-known and respected in the Mass. area), and I asked him a very similar question some years ago about having someone else's child live with me for similar reasons. His professional (and personal) advice was that it almost never works out, it strains the existing relationships across the board (even the ones that are currently good such as you & your fiance) and he advises against whenever he comes up.

His feeling and experience is that despite having the absolute best of intentions people don't really understand what they are undertaking and are typically not properly equipped to manage through it.

Good luck.

 

[britgrl]

No, you have your own family to worry about. What if she were to leave some perscription pills out? I have a 2 1/2 year old and I know that she gets into EVERYTHING. A 17 year old is not going to have any sense of responsibility around a young child. They just don't realise some of the dangers...their fault? No, but it's your responsibility as a parent to limit the amount of dangers around your child. Would you really feel comfortable having this girl around? She needs professional help. Even your best of intentions is more than likely not enough to help her now.

I hope things work out for you and for her. I'm truly sorry that you have to make this tough decission.

 

[fjc62701]

I was kinda in that situatuaion before. I was 21 my husband was 25 we had just got married and my 2 litle cousin which where 9 and 12 came to live with me. After living with other family memebers it didn't work out for them, so the nice person that I am I took them in. Well the 12 yr old stayed with me for 6months. She got me in so may problems with her school. She took weed to school and that was so emebrassing it made me look like i was the bad one, but in reality They have it in them already, and she was 12 yrs..Then she got me in problems with my neighbors. So I could not take it nomore and my aunt took her in. I felt bad but I would always have to leave work for something she did. My husband was also frustrated.. Then the second girl she was 9...I had her for 5 yrs she was doing good then one day I get home from work and she ran away and said she was pregnant..Oh lord did that hurt me..here I am trying my best to raise her and this happens..So a long story short they both left and I did not even get a thanks from them or anyone. And to top it off they are now 20 and 17... The 20 yr old has 6 kids..And the 17 yr old has 3 kids..OMG I could not even have helped them if I wanted to. They are already like that. The socila worker told me that children are like a tree..You have to train it to go straight when it's little, if not it will go crooked...So these kids where already all messed up..I had no way to streghtend them out..My advice to you is save yourself some headaches you and your husband are doing good..Take care of YOUR little one, and tell your mother inlaw to put her some where, where she can get professional help..

 

[SkylarV217]

I agree with all of those above, Professional serious in house help first then possible living with you. While she is important as your future sister in law, Your child and your immediate family should come first . The stress of having a disturbed teenager in your house could do serious and permeant damage to your family. In the end it would be best for all involved for her to have professional help.

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

Thank you so much for the replies, she has been hospitalized before, she dropped out of school for 1 year and lived inside a "special" clinic for 1 year, she unfournately went back to her old environment and well back to the old her. Shes seeing 2 medical doctors atm. But i totally agree, im not sure she will respect me since we are almost the same age, and while she is on medication i would personally give her her medicine that she takes every so and so hours in the day and lock it up in my drawer so my daughter cant reach it. But maybe she should stay at a clinic again, and i will give her the option to stay with me when she is more stable, and long as her mom give me at least 3 months worth of money to take care of her.

 

[1QTPie]

All I can say is that I agree. DO NOT DO IT! You can't help her, only professionals. Sorry that your fiance and his family and your sis-in-law are going through this.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

I have a cousin who sounds exactly like your fiance's sister. She started acting up and doing a lot of the same things when she was about 10 or 11 and she also didn't have a stable family relationship because her mom doesn't give a crap about her and her dad (my uncle) was a drug user and alcoholic. To this day she still doesn't have her life on track. She has made it to the ripe old age of 24 which surprises me. All I can tell you is that it is not your responsibility to take care of her, however much you want to help. Even though she is still somewhat young, the saying that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped is VERY true. The girl needs more help that you or her family can give her, but it is up to her mother to get her the help she needs while she still can, since she's under 18. The only way anything will change is if she gets the professional help she needs and STICKS WITH IT.
Since you have a young child, I agree with the other gals that it is not an ideal situation anyway because as hard as it may be to hear, she probably can't be trusted in your house or near your dear little child. My cousin at that age was BIG into stealing things and pawning cherished items and you don't want to end up with that or something happening to your baby. My advice is to talk to you fiance and see if the two of you can have a serious talk with your mother-in-law to be and get her to step up and have her taken somewhere where she can get serious help.
Hope it all works out for you!! Just have some faith!!!

 

[makeup_wh0re]

I think you should talk to her about the rules of the house and give her a chance. I am sure it would crush your fiance if you didn't. I know everyone else here doesn't agree with this but I am just stating my opinion. If I were in the situation I would want someone to help me. If she were to not be respectful of your home then you could make her leave. It's not right for people to say things like she can't be trusted. She is a child and sounds like she needs some love and support.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Quote:

Originally Posted by makeup_wh0re I think you should talk to her about the rules of the house and give her a chance. I am sure it would crush your fiance if you didn't. I know everyone else here doesn't agree with this but I am just stating my opinion. If I were in the situation I would want someone to help me. If she were to not be respectful of your home then you could make her leave. It's not right for people to say things like she can't be trusted. She is a child and sounds like she needs some love and support.

Well, that is also very true and she ^ has a point. I still think you need to talk to your mother-in-law to be and get the point across to her that SHE needs to get in the game and do something for her daughter.

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

I give up on that woman as a mother and as a person, my fiance slit his throat when he was a teen, he hated his life because of his parents they are they type of people you say to yourself, why even have children? I know both of his parents were abused severly as children living in a 3rd world country, it affected their lives as kids and now as adults. That woman cannot make whats best for her daughter decisions, i have a feeling his sister is going to end up in a homeless shelter or crazy clinic.

This is driving me crazy..

I will talk to my mommy to be, i doubt she will listen, but maybe i need to give her a reality check, but she herself needs to grow up. But my hopes of her stepping up is slim to none.

I will only take her in after she stays in a clinic for a while, and i will ask my parents and speak with a few shrinks for advice on parenting and what sort of rules should be inforced, if she breaks the rules shes going back home.

I would probably ask my mom to live with me for a while to watch my daughter, she is retired and always bored.

I will welcome her with open arms, but if she disrespects my family, if she brushes off my offer and acts out again, i will give this brat some serious reality check and kick her out. I think she just needs attention, friends, someone who doesnt treat her like shes diseased and sick, maybe ill just get her a puppy so she has some sort of responsibility... a diary.. and a damn good therapist... ill just treat her like a normal teenager.. gossip with her, go shopping, but i mostly wanna know why she acts like this, whats the root(s) of all of these problems.

Since we were 19/20 me and my bf went through couples therapy because we heard it was most effective when there are no major/deep marriage issues to fix, and i think we can handle this with some boundaries, inorder to keep our family safe and our relationship healthy.

 

[Abbytabby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by makeup_wh0re I think you should talk to her about the rules of the house and give her a chance. I am sure it would crush your fiance if you didn't. I know everyone else here doesn't agree with this but I am just stating my opinion. If I were in the situation I would want someone to help me. If she were to not be respectful of your home then you could make her leave. It's not right for people to say things like she can't be trusted. She is a child and sounds like she needs some love and support.

I can understand your point but really, this isn't about not trusting someone, when someone is mentally ill love isn't enough to help them, it takes professional help. Yes, they need support of those that love them but many people don't understand how much work it takes and how hard it is when you realize that no matter how great you are to that person, they still can't make themselves better on their own. I know you're not trying to say it but it's really awful how people will try to make someone feel like they're bad or selfish or don't love someone for knowing they can't help them. The other thing is that honestly, when you take someone in who has a history of suicide attempts you have to be ready for them to try it again. It won't be your fault, hell, it's not even really that persons fault but when someone actually does kill themselves it makes the people who loved them feel horribly guilty and it can ruin relationships forever.

Sometimes loving someone means knowing they need more help than you can give them.

 

[SkylarV217]

In any case , I wish you all the best in your attempt to help her. You sound like a very special lady. after she get professional If any one can do her any good I hope it is you

 

[duckduck]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxManBeaterxx I will talk to my mommy to be, i doubt she will listen, but maybe i need to give her a reality check, but she herself needs to grow up. But my hopes of her stepping up is slim to none.

I think you are wise to keep those hopes low. Everything you have said about her makes it pretty clear that "giving her a reality check" isn't gonna do a damned thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxManBeaterxx I will only take her in after she stays in a clinic for a while, and i will ask my parents and speak with a few shrinks for advice on parenting and what sort of rules should be inforced, if she breaks the rules shes going back home.

I think you will find that "parenting" a 16/17 year old girl isn't going to happen - mental health issues or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxManBeaterxx I would probably ask my mom to live with me for a while to watch my daughter, she is retired and always bored.

That's a good plan - having some extra help around with your daughter while you deal with your sister in law will probably help to keep the situation from affecting your daughter as strongly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxManBeaterxx I think she just needs attention, friends, someone who doesnt treat her like shes diseased and sick, maybe ill just get her a puppy so she has some sort of responsibility... a diary.. and a damn good therapist... ill just treat her like a normal teenager.. gossip with her, go shopping, but i mostly wanna know why she acts like this, whats the root(s) of all of these problems.

I understand you don't wanna treat her like something is wrong with her, and I think that is a good idea. That being said, you mentioned she has been diagnosed with "clinical depression, mild bipolar, and a few other things." These are actual illnesses. A puppy, a diary, a therapist, attention, friends, and good treatment will not cure these illnesses. Any one of these things may mitigate some of her symptoms, but at the end of the day, what she has is several honest-to-god medical problems. What you will need to understand is the actual amount of control you have over this situation. You need to realize that there are hard limits to how much good you can do, and at the end of the day, you may find that there is nothing you can do at all.

Do you have your own therapist? If not, you need to get one even if it is only for an appointment or two. I really think you need to strategize with a professional to do two things. First, come up with what your ground rules and boundaries will be so that you can make them as clear to your sister-in-law as possible. Second, come up with a solid plan of action as far as what you will be doing with her. What specific responsibilities will she have? What specific responsibilities to her will you have? I think if you want a chance of this thing going right, you will need some much more solid plans and ideas about what your are getting yourself into.