My son's family knew nothing about him!!!!!

[Brittni]

With you befriending this 14 year old, have you at least detoured her from having intercourse with E? I really think that if he isn't reported, HER parents should know what the hell is going on. No 14 year old, imo, should be having intercourse. It's wrong on a level on it's own, but then with a 28 year old? Wrong, and illegal...

I understand you have your own issues worrying about your child and the uninvolved part of the family, but seriously...

 

[MissResha]

dude...

she's 14? and he's 28??

man...i oughtta...maaannn....he needs his ass beat on GP, eff that. that is disgusting. straight up and down wrong. his ass needs to be in fucking jail for that shit alone.

 

[hhunt2]

Oh boy! I feel your pain Melissa.

My family (well more of my husbands family) is questionable like your exs family. My husbands brother had a son when he was 17, with a 16 y/o gal. The day my husbands nephew was born, everyone was excited. After 6 years (that would be 2008), the dad (my bro in law) doesnt want to be apart of his owns sons life. How can someone be loving his son, share custody with the mom, spend time with him TO not wanting him anymore?? Why after 6 years of being a dad TO letting him go?? He even offered my husband his custody half to my husband so that the welfare doesn't extract money from his paychecks. But the shiethead decided to jump from job to job so the government wont catch him.

B/c of that, my husband and I have took the little boy into our home. We have him everyother weekend so he gets to spend more time with his dad's family. The little boy speaks so highly of his dad ("my dad is so fun, I miss him", etc.), but he doesn't yet realize what his dad has done to him (my husband is more of a father to him, even the mom admitted that).
And I can pick out so many other people in my husbands and I family who have a similar situation as you Mel.

For your ex to screw around with a 14 y/o is INSANE!
Just the thought of it... your ex seriously has problems. Maybe he has more secrets that no one knows about. Maybe it's a good thing that your son shouldn't "really" know him. I know many single mothers who have wonderful children. My best friend (Joey, he is 22 now), was raised by a single mom who was a gang banger back in her days. She had him at a young age, and Joey never sees or speaks to his dad. But Joey is a great guy. He never disrespects women, he loves kids, he loves his family, his always there when you need someone, etc. If your son is raised with or without a father figure, I think he will be okay (you'll just have to be mom & dad).

And about Dave, maybe he really wants to be apart of your sons life. Give him a chance, but yet again, watch your back. Sometimes people play games to later incriminate. But I would think there's nothing criminal that you have done. Your being a mom and your taking care of your responsibilities.
And my belief, abortion is a no-no (well, unless rape or illness is an issue).
Yeah, and I suggest you should actually talk (not text) Dave (it will show his and your seriousness about this situation). Your son is a serious issue. And for a man to walk out on his own kid shows how unhuman & unresponsible he is. He has a mind of a child.

Later in life, you will find a great man who would love to be a father to your son and a lovely, supportive hubby/bf to you. Everyone has their lowest points of their lives, and it's always supported with the highest points. It will balance out eventually, just like your ex getting karma (like jail time!).

 

[Lapis]

Damn girl that's so messed up!!!
I was worried when you said you were establishing paternity he was going to turn into an asshole, and I see he has, having been there done that I always recommend to women that if you can afford to live without child support from the bio father to do so, since establishing it gives them a way to be vindictive (trying to take your child)
I'm sorry you are going thru this

I would give the uncle and grandfather a chance, send a cute pic and his stats, but I wouldn't let them in until you are sure about how sincere they are

 

[AdlersMommy22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brittni With you befriending this 14 year old, have you at least detoured her from having intercourse with E? I really think that if he isn't reported, HER parents should know what the hell is going on. No 14 year old, imo, should be having intercourse. It's wrong on a level on it's own, but then with a 28 year old? Wrong, and illegal... I understand you have your own issues worrying about your child and the uninvolved part of the family, but seriously...

Yeah ... she hasnt touched E in the last two years (E is 30 now and she's 16 almost 17.)... she doesnt have anything to do with him. Her parents know that they were "fooling around" I guess-- but not that they were having sex- if i understand the whole story correctly. They have an order of protection on Jordyn's behalf against E. (which... incidently... the same week i found out i was pregnant he got arrested for violating and is now on a 2 year suspended sentance and 3 years of probation...phew.)

Its really wicked messed up....

 

[blindpassion]

May I just say for a second, what a loser this guy sounds like.

 

[AdlersMommy22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion May I just say for a second, what a loser this guy sounds like.

you may. Over and over and over again.

 

[carandru]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdlersMommy22 They have an order of protection on Jordyn's behalf against E. (which... incidently... the same week i found out i was pregnant he got arrested for violating and is now on a 2 year suspended sentance and 3 years of probation...phew.) Its really wicked messed up....

Ok, so it's on record that :
1) he has a restraining order against him for a minor,
2) He violated said restraining order.

I'm almost positive this guy has some other mess on record as well. I wouldn't worry about him getting custody. He can try, but he won't win... probably more of an possibly expensive inconvenience on your end. That, and more fuel for your disgust/hatred of him.

I have an uncle who completely disowned his son, and for the life of me, I couldn't and still can't understand how a person could do that. Like really, you have a part of you alive out there somewhere. How can you just ignore that?

I think you should try to let adler's paternal side get to know him a bit better, byt at a pace you are comfortable with as stated earlier. I personally would go ahead and send them the picture simply b/c you've posted pics of him online. "If complete strangers can see it, then why not the family?" is what I would be thinking. I completely understand you being concerned about what E will do, but I doubt he can do anything to make Adler's life worse.

I'm glad to hear that the other members of his family seem to take an interest in him. As sad as it is that they didn't know about him, it's comforting to know they aren't all d**ks like their son.

I hope it all works out for ya.

 

[Emilith]

I hope I can offer you a different pespective on the "been there done that" kind of thing . . .

When I was 6 mos old, my mother divorced my father. He was from the state of WA and my mom was from GA. They met at medical school in GA (my mom was going to school to be a nurse). I never knew him. Supposedly, he wasn't there for most if any of my mother's pregnancy and disappeared right before I was born. So my mom divorced him, he went back to WA, my mother stayed in GA, I lived with my grandparents in FL and I never knew my father and was NEVER given the opportunity. He died when I was 14 from esophageal cancer. My mother would never talk about him, wouldn't tell me anything about him and what snippets I learned from my mother's family were never good. I always felt growing up that there was a piece of me missing, a piece I never knew. Family is a big part of southern culture and I really felt a piece of me was just missing.

Fast forward 30 years (I'm 40 now). I was married to Satan. Yes, I was. It was horrible. He was abusive and mean and is still abusive, mean and hateful and he's almsot 50. I have a beautiful daughter with him. I decided when goign thru my divorce from him that because my mother never let me know my father, that I would never do that to my daughter. I wanted her to know her father no matter what. I wouldn't let my feelings get in the way. HA! Bad idea. Talk about vindictive, I could tell you horror stories about the courts and custody battles. My daughter at 14 decided she didn't want to have shared custody with her dad, she wanted to live with us (I have since remarried and have another beautiful daughter). Let me tell you this, it'll probably depend from state to state but courts DON'T favor the mother anymore - it's considered discrimination - parents are considered equal. Father has just as much rights as the mother. And they don't care about past criminal history. My ex beat the shit out of me and I couldn't even tell the courts about it when we went back to change custody. And they didn't care either where or what my daughter wanted. Courts won't call in my daughter, they don't want a child to feel like they are picking between two parents.

So, don't assume anything. Don't let your feelings interfer with good judgement. Start reading anything you can get your hands on about custody and family law in your state and his - it's not that difficult to understand, truly! when your child's future happiness is at stake, knowledge is power. And never EVER underestimate a vindictive man. Abusive men are vindictive and think nothing of it - they feel completely justified in what they are doing. Reason never even enters their small feeble brains.

Find someone in E's family that you feel you can truly trust (if possible). Let that person be a point person so that you can talk to them and tell them honestly, you fear E's vindictiveness against you and your son and you are trying to protect your son's best interests but that way you can keep an open line of communication to your son's family so he has someone he can trust there.

I wish you the best of luck in a difficult time! It's tough being a mom, you always got to look out for your child's best interests especially in the long run. Take care!

 

[Ruby_Woo]

Ok, I feel like once you made contact with them to find out why they had not been in Adler's life, and found out they had no idea, the picture message would be the least of my worries. I think there is nothing wrong with that. I mean they know of him now, and have questions and must be confused just as you are. If you truly want them in his life, keep them updated, have visits and such. But if not, then now would be the time to cut the communication. Trust me, its not that hard as you guys aren't close and Adler wont remember.

Im telling you this, because i was in Adler's place. I know nothing of my biological father and his family. And I couldn't care any less because they are strangers to me. My father who raised me and his family are my family. My mom thought I was better off because just like E the sperm donor was a piece of trash. Also, she didn't want me having contact w/ his family because can you imagine growing up w/ his family knowing your own father didn't want you? but still seeing pictures and hearing stories of him? Im glad she did what she did. Just because someone is related to you biologicaly, doesn't mean they do or will love you. I've learned that the hard way.

Go with your maternal instincts. Whatever you feel is best for Adler. But just know that if you keep them involved there are chances that E will try to make contact with your son.

Best of luck to you Melissa.

 

[blindpassion]

I agree with the above poster in a way, I think that its important you act in the best way for adler. This may be uncomfortable for you, it may make you upset, and it may be really hard... but if its best for him, then thats always what you need to do.

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brittni No 14 year old, imo, should be having intercourse. It's wrong on a level on it's own, but then with a 28 year old? Wrong, and illegal...

OK that was pretty judgemental. Many 14 year olds are having sex these days, whether you find it wrong or not. I don't think it's neccessarily wrong to have sex at an early age, if it's in a safe and protected environment. Sure, it is young, but it's pretty naive to say that no 14 year old should be having sex, because that does happen.

But I agree that a 28 year old with a 14 year old is not ok.

 

[blindpassion]

Agreeing with Julia about the point of 14 year olds having sex...
I lost my virginity somewhere around that time (Im not going into specifics because its personal) but, It was with someone I loved, I was safe, and we were in a VERY long relationship before and after the first time we did it.

And being someone who just recently escaped teen years, trust me when I say, lots of 14 year olds (I know, or knew) are having sex. Thankfully, most of them are doing it safely. I've personally never regretted my choice either.

 

[Blushbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion lots of 14 year olds are having sex. Thankfully, most of them are doing it safely.

Are they?! So why the high teenage pregnancy rate then? Yep, they're all being so sensible (!)

You can only speak for your experience and yours alone.

 

[blindpassion]

I was speaking about people I am friends with and have been since my teen years.

You interpreted my post the wrong way, it was possibly the way I typed it.
But I was referring to people I know and am close with.

I wasn't trying to generalize.

You don't need to have such a snarky attitude about it either. It was just my personal opinion relating to the people I am in contact with. I live in Canada, not the US, I don't know anything about teens in that country or your pregnancy rate.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Regardless of how old one should be when s/he has sex, a 14 year old shouldn't be doing a 28.

 

[Moxy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdlersMommy22 He's a VERY vindictive person. ... In fact, the last time we spoke in November of 07, he told me that he was going to go after custody of my son simply because I didnt get an abortion. His exact words were "You did something I didnt like, so im going to do something you dont like."

Oh my god

This sounds scary and alarming and horrible. I understand why you're worried, I can only imagine how much you love your baby - unconditionally is the word that comes to mind - and that you would do anything to protect him.
I know you're a great person so you will do what's best for Adler AND for yourself. It may not be clear yet what's the right choice, but it'll come to you and until then we're all here for you