New Drama...Its Long (Of Course)

[CantAffordMAC]

This is something where I could actually use advice.

Im sure you all remember that me and my boyfriend broke up. Alright well last week, I went through his phone because he wasn't being honest to me. I found text messages from a girl from his church...very flirtatious. Him telling her how good she looked, her telling him how cute he was BLAH BLAH BLAH. I felt that feeling in my stomach....

So I called her. She told me everything. She's 17 yrs old (MY ex will be 23 this summer). I told her that we had been together for 2 years and I told her how he has been lying to the both of us. The night (that I called her) he came to my house and fucked me. He was sleeping on my bed while I called her. So i told her she was being played because he lied to her and told her he was going somewhere else when really he came to my house and fucked me.

Anyways we weren't screaming and cursing at eachother I was more hurt. And I felt like I couldnt even cry anymore. I went inside, woke him up and told him that this girl told me the whole story. We fought a little bit and I was grabbing his arm (Not in a fighting type way, but more like just holding it) and he was pushing me off of him, pushing me into the wall, etc. So he goes into my bathroom and calls her and says "What did she say to you? Don't believe anything she says"

So anyways I cry that night but the next day i feel good. I feel free, and I feel like stress free. I just feel wonderful. We talk a little bit that day and he tells me he is so sorry, etc. He calls me that night and tells me he misses me and that he will erase that girls number. (Lets not forget that HE broke up with me)

Okay so lets backtrack to 2 years ago. I met a guy (lets call him X) and we were talking a little bit for like 3 months. But it didnt work out, I met my boyfriend and that was that. Well 3 or 4 months into our relationship, i met up with this other guy Xand we kissed. That is as far as it went and it was the biggest mistake of my life. My bf forgave me, of course he still brought it up. But we continued our relationship faithfully for the next year and a half.

So after he broke up with me I got in contact with this guy X. As far as I was concerned, I am single. Some may call it a revenge thing but it wasnt like that to me. I didnt want revenge...I wanted to get out of the house and have a good time. He picked me up, we hung out, went to his house. We had sex. I'm sorry but I'm single. My ex chose a breakup. he chose to talk to a 17 y/o girl. I am done. I will always love him and he will always be a part of me, but I am no longer ina relationship.

So last night me and my ex talk on the phone and I just was honest with him. Well not 100% but he asked me if I thought about calling any guys from my past. I told him yes, and he asked me who, and I told him X. He was so furious. He feels as though thats the one guy he cant stand more than anything. He was hurt that I even thought about calling X and I cant imagine what he would do if he finds out what really happened between me and X. The thing is, is that I do kind of like X. Just a little. Its not anything serious and I dont want a relationship but hes cool. And I am single. My ex asked if I liked X and I didnt answer him after 3 times, then i finally told him "no i don't"

My ex wants me back. I dont want to be with him anymore. It hurts because he is all I knew for 2 years and I always want to know that hes ok and I'm not asking for friendship but I want to keep in contact occasionally. but I do not want a relationship. The 17 y/o girl that he has been talking to....she told him that she loved him (after theyd been talking--not even that serious--for a week and a half) I asked him what did he say in response. He told her that he loved her too.

lol its pathetic, really. He says he isn't sure if he really feels that way about her, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings, and he feels as though she was there for him when he needed someone to listen to him and she gave him "good advice". To be completely honest, I don't even feel anything. I'm not hurt by that. I don't care if he loves her I don't care if they are together. I just dont care. I love him so much but I am done with the relationship.

X doesn't want to be a part in all the drama. I feel extreme guilt over what i did with him because I know how my ex would take it. Although I'm done with our relationship, I never want to hurt him. On top of everything, i feel undesirable. I feel as though I want to get out there and be noticed and talk to different guys, but I don't think that anyone notices me. I just feel unwanted.

I probably should have called the guy something other than X though lol

 

[Janice]

I think you need some time to mature emotionally, going and tangling yourself up with every guy who looks at you twice isn't the answer it only makes you and everything else more confused. Love yourself baby.

 

[Girl about town]

i would have some time on your own just now without any guys, you are probably feeling insecure and think you need male attention to validate yourself, stay single for a while or you will end up very confused!! x

 

[glam8babe]

this kinda reminds me of when i had a relationship with my ex... just forget about him. I moved on straight away, and now im in a happy relationship (almost a year n a half! woo). You dont need any ass holes that do that to you.. and if he wants you back so bad then why was he unfaithful in the first place?
if you end up taking him back, who says he wont do it again? he will be like "well she took me back the first time, so i dont see why she wouldnt do it again"
hope you find someone lovely! x

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

Well you shouldn't feel guilty about what happened with X, you're a single girl now. However, I agree that you just need to take time for yourself...learn what you need. It sucks to feel unwanted, and I'm sorry about your self-esteem right now, but pretend you're confident, hold your head high! Pretty soon you'll start to feel that way! Also, because of the expectation your ex-boyfriend has, I would just cut contact with him right now, it will hurt, but talking to him can probably only encourage his train of thought. A clean break is the best, in a few months when you both have found the ground again perhaps you can contact him. I will send good vibes your way, good luck!

 

[MiCHiE]

Sex as revenge is a good feeling but remember.....you're the one who'll end up with the worn out twat.

There's so much going on here, but let me touch on this....I really think you were wrong for calling the girl. He's playing around with both of you, but what happened between you and him that night had nothing to do with her. Unless you're saving her life, don't call her. You'll learn as you get older, the saying goes, "Check your man!". It doesn't matter if he's sleeping with 20 other women, "check your man". Don't use all of your night and weekend minutes trying to warn every woman in the city when he's the one putting himself out there as a single man.....Which brings me to this...Y'all are not together anymore which further complicates your call to the other girl. Just as you were free to do whatever with whomever, so was he---whether he broke up with you for her or whatever.

I would advise that you leave each other alone for now and take a minute to cool down, chill out and have fun. You're too young for all this drama.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC So I called her. She told me everything. She's 17 yrs old (MY ex will be 23 this summer). I told her that we had been together for 2 years and I told her how he has been lying to the both of us. The night (that I called her) he came to my house and fucked me. He was sleeping on my bed while I called her. So i told her she was being played because he lied to her and told her he was going somewhere else when really he came to my house and fucked me.

Yup, emotionally and physically; and you allowed it. No offense, and I don't want to come off as judgmental, but why are you doing this to yourself? For one, you had no business going through his phone and calling numbers if you were no longer together. You brought that on yourself. And, if he broke up with you for a 17 year old girl, then you should see right away that he's not worth it. Clearly he's immature and wants to be with someone on his level, so let him chase high schoolers if that's his bag. However, the fact you called her after you two slept together to basically rub it into her face was extremely immature, so he fucked with both of you, and you hurt a 17 year old's feelings because your ex boyfriend is (seemingly) a douchebag. How much sense does that make?
And now that you're no longer a couple, he's got no reason to get mad at you for wanting to talk to other people. But he probably suspects that you're calling "X" or whatever just to piss him off...which is again, not very immature. I personally think you have a lot of growing up to do, and maybe you need to be by yourself for a little while so you can do it, because essentially what you're all doing in this situation is playing games, whether it's intentional or not. Just because your ex claims things will be better and he wants you back doesn't mean it's gonna work, especially since you've got several incidents of infidelity and distrust in the relationship. Just because something happened with "X" once upon a time also doesn't mean it's a good idea for you to jump from one relationship into another right away to feel "wanted."

 

[breechan]

Girl, I think it's time to cut off the strings. You need to cease and desist all contact with this asshole of an ex. There is no reason that you should even be talking about exes and that kind of stuff at this point with him. The wounds are still raw! If you can, try to not contact him at all for at least 3 weeks. Tell him your intent, and do not answer emails, calls, texts, nothing. Otherwise you will just keep punishing yourself. I understand that you two were close and pretty much co-existed. It's now time to wean yourself off cold turkey. It's a good time for self reflection, and catching up with girl friends. Once the 3 weeks are over, you probably wont have the urge to talk to him so much. You may not even want to talk to him at all, which is even better.

Also, rebound sex and rebound relationships....usually just add to drama/personal issues/etc. This is "you" time. I think finding your own ways to deal with the separation and pain are crucial to getting past this as fast as possible.

Just my 2 yen.

 

[Tashona Helena]

I learned a year ago having sex for revenge is not the way to go. I agree with Janice...you totally need to take a step back, find yourself and love yourself before bringing anyone else into the mix. I know it hurts, and it's hard, and you want to be out there. I think I'm probably a year older than you or around your age but trust me, I've been through so much these past couple years you don't even understand how me telling you this it's important for you to seriously listen. You need to take a break from everyone in the situation. Talk to the guys casually or whatever but say hey, I need my space, I'll holla at you when I need you. Take it from me if they're worth it, and if they respect you and want you bad enough they'll come back. Truuust me I've had it happen with not one but maaaany of dudes.

And your ex...omg I'm sorry he needs some maturing to do. reminds me of this guy I used to talk to...24, got fired last week from his job, an alcoholic havin the nerve to date a 17. I'm not saying that love has age restrictions but when you have that much going on in your life you need to check yourself before you get involved with a minor and bring even MORE drama. Do you want that drama in your life? Come on girl you're worth so much more than that.

 

[FullWroth]

I actually disagree and applaud you for calling the other girl and telling her what was going on. She had every right to know that the guy was two-timing her; what she does with that information, that's up to her now, but you've come clean to her and that's a good thing to do. It's not like you didn't say anything to him and just called her, you told her what was going on and then got on his case too.

I know if my boyfriend were screwing someone else, I'd wanna know about it, and I'd be pretty pissed off to find out that some bitch (er, not referring to you here, but that's definitely the word I'd use for someone who DOESN'T tell me) had sex with him, found out he was seeing me, and decided to just leave it to me to figure it out someday somehow. Gee thanks.

So good on you for calling her, but I do agree with what Janice and co. have said otherwise.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Thanks you guys. I do realize that I had no right to go through his phone or call her, but I'm glad I did. I still deserved the truth and I knew that was the only way to get it. It doesnt excuse it....but I am SO GLAD to know the truth.

Her and I just talked. She told me everything too. He wasn'thappy about that at all. I told her that I am not trying to make a decision for her but she deserved to know the truth too. And I know that he fucked me and I felt dumb for that. It honestly wasn't me trying to rub it in her face...it was more me letting her know what her little friend was up to.

I realize that I need to be alone, and love myself. Its hard. i don't even know what this means. Because all this time, I thought I did love myself. I don't want a boyfriend, but I wish i didnt have to cut off everything. You guys really may think that I had sex with X for revenge. I REALLY do not feel this way. I did want to get out of my house and have fun. But after being with X that night... I kinda like him. I know I'm not going to base anything on my feelings right now because they are all screwed up. He was actually listening to me though...It felt so good. To have him listen to me talk about my job and my problems. And look me in the eye while doing it. He just showed me a different side of him. It is hard not to feel like shit and ugly and horrible after your boyfriend did something like this after 2 years. I don't want to be validated but it'd be nice to know that another guy was interested. I dont want a relationship anytime soon...I just want companionship.

I do appreciate you guys' opinions....and I don't take offense by any of them. I actually agree almost 100%

 

[MiCHiE]

I'm going to lay it on the table. I don't mean to be harsh, but when you're older, you'll realize this and understand it.

It's nice to think that a woman should be generous enough to call you when your man is straying. I would have no problem with that if we both happen to be in a relationship with said man. My beef with what you're saying is this: I've never had to call a woman and tell her such things---because I don't have random sex---that is any sex you're having with a person you're not in a relationship with. If you are doing this, chances are the person you're doing it with is doing it with someone else when you're not around. Assume any man, unless certain situations exist (coma, death, sleep), that is not fucking you is fucking another person. So, don't act holier than thou when you find #s in the phone. If you're really that concerned about another woman or not ready to share the booty call, don't open your legs to men who aren't yours. As they said years ago, "Hate the player, don't hate the game."

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ♥MiCHiE♥ I'm going to lay it on the table. I don't mean to be harsh, but when you're older, you'll realize this and understand it. It's nice to think that a woman should be generous enough to call you when your man is straying. I would have no problem with that if we both happen to be in a relationship with said man. My beef with what you're saying is this: I've never had to call a woman and tell her such things---because I don't have random sex---that is any sex you're having with a person you're not in a relationship with. If you are doing this, chances are the person you're doing it with is doing it with someone else when you're not around. Assume any man, unless certain situations exist (coma, death, sleep), that is not fucking you is fucking another person. So, don't act holier than thou when you find #s in the phone. If you're really that concerned about another woman or not ready to share the booty call, don't open your legs to men who aren't yours. As they said years ago, "Hate the player, don't hate the game."

I'm a little confused...we were together for two years. I wasn't accusing her of fucking him or anything. I am pretty sure they haven't took it there yet. I wasn't even trying to be nasty...I just wanted to tell her what just happened. I didn't feel as though "haha he just fucked me not you" It was more like "Wow, the man I've been with for 2 years has been talking to you, lying to the both of us, and I just let him fuck me"

I'm sure she is fine with it, because she is still talking to him. I mean, the girl said I love you after a week. I'm sure she doesn't have a problem with it because she knows the situation between us. She must be dumb to think he won't do it to her too. Maybe he won't. Maybe she's better than me who knows. I just don't really understand your comment? I don't think either one of us felt obligated to call. After being with him for so long I just couldn't control myself. I shouldn't have called her, but I did.

 

[lipstickandhate]

Just stop. No more sex. No more phone calls. This is all too dramatic and tedious. You need to respect yourself before anyone else will. You're better than booty call sex and cell phone hacking. He's a moron but you aren't- act accordingly!

 

[Honey B. Fly]

i honestly believe the only thing that keeps me sane is only having sex with men who i am in a serious relationship with. sex brings out way too many freaking crazy emotions with most people. its not even worth all the phone calls and the fights and the exes to me when the man doesnt even love u.

 

[MiCHiE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC I'm a little confused...we were together for two years.

But, y'all weren't together anymore. At that point, you're not having sex with your "boyfriend". Assume it's random. That's all I'm saying.

 

[GreekChick]

Hey there! I just wanted to give you a heads up and to hang it there! I feel for you and I know how hard it is to restrain yourself from doing something you'll regret later on. I think it's normal that you acted the way you did (it might not seem right to others, but in a situation of panic, we are always out of bound). I would've probably done the same thing: it's almost as if you fear he won't tell you the truth, so you have to get it through her.
I've been following your relationships posts closely, and it really does seem like you two cared about eachother alot. I just want to let you know to hang in there and to try to occupy yourself with something else for the meantime, until he's ready to confront the issue with you. Maybe then, you two can truly resolve things without fighting and understand what went wrong, even if it might mean you two not getting back together.

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ♥MiCHiE♥ But, y'all weren't together anymore. At that point, you're not having sex with your "boyfriend". Assume it's random. That's all I'm saying.

They might not have been together anymore, but a two yr relationship cannot just end with sex with a stranger the next day. It's normal to be hurt: breaking up a long-term relationship and finding out a couple of days later that he's interested in someone else is devastating. Guy, wait a couple of months at least!

 

[MiCHiE]

In a perfect world.....Yes, grieve; however, don't use dick as Kleenex. I don't know the circumstances of her relationship, but many multi-year relationships just don't sour and end on the same day.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly i honestly believe the only thing that keeps me sane is only having sex with men who i am in a serious relationship with. sex brings out way too many freaking crazy emotions with most people. its not even worth all the phone calls and the fights and the exes to me when the man doesnt even love u.

I seem to be stupid when it comes to thinking things through. For some reason i thought I could have sex with a guy with no strings attached.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick Hey there! I just wanted to give you a heads up and to hang it there! I feel for you and I know how hard it is to restrain yourself from doing something you'll regret later on. I think it's normal that you acted the way you did (it might not seem right to others, but in a situation of panic, we are always out of bound). I would've probably done the same thing: it's almost as if you fear he won't tell you the truth, so you have to get it through her. I've been following your relationships posts closely, and it really does seem like you two cared about eachother alot. I just want to let you know to hang in there and to try to occupy yourself with something else for the meantime, until he's ready to confront the issue with you. Maybe then, you two can truly resolve things without fighting and understand what went wrong, even if it might mean you two not getting back together.

Thank you I appreciate that. We do just need time to be by ourselves. In a few weeks or months I'm sure we can talk without fighting and being crazy. he wants things to go back to the way that they were before, he tells me how bad he wants me back and that he will stop talking to her at the drop of a dime. Its too late for me. I dont know what the future holds but I wont guarantee shit...Its over for me right now

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick They might not have been together anymore, but a two yr relationship cannot just end with sex with a stranger the next day. It's normal to be hurt: breaking up a long-term relationship and finding out a couple of days later that he's interested in someone else is devastating. Guy, wait a couple of months at least!

Thank you...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ♥MiCHiE♥ In a perfect world.....Yes, grieve; however, don't use dick as Kleenex. I don't know the circumstances of her relationship, but many multi-year relationships just don't sour and end on the same day.

You are very right. Using dick as kleenex...lmao. Thats hilarious. (It did a great job of wiping away my tears at the time though) No but seriously. I felt him becoming distant in the past month. He said I should have seen this coming because I knew he was distant. he said I was annoying him almost everyday and he just felt trapped. He said that the situation with the girl happened unexpectedly and that just caused him more confusion. So, no the relationship didn't turn sour and end in one day. there were events leading up to it. But like I told him....I think the right thing to do was to come to me and talk about our problems. he chose a different route. So now that he wants me back, he can just remember the route he chose. I would've never chosen to just break up with him no matter how bad things became. Because our relationship meant that much to me. If he wouldve approached it different and tried to work it out, then things would be very different right now. But hey...this must have happened for a reason. Either as a life lesson, a test for us, or for us to break-up because we weren't meant to be.