Alright, ladies, I have found the cure: olive oil. Or, rather, "re-found" it! I used to use olive oil on my skin all the time, but I completely stopped doing that about 2 or 3 years ago for some reason and instead just relegated it to my hair. Then one night, I was removing swatches with some olive oil, and I was like, "...wait, why did I stop using this on my skin?!" I mixed about 4 parts sugar with 1 part olive oil, plus a dash of vanilla for a better scent, and using that once a week (as well as using body wash instead of soap and lotioning-up after every shower) has made a MAJOR difference in my skin. It feels glorious!
Thanks again for all of your help, lovelies!