Once a cheater....?

[zeroxstar]

i think if a guys cheats on YOU, he can and will do it again.
however, if he's cheated in past relationships it doesn't mean he will cheat on you.

if that makes sense...
i don't think cheating is forgiveable, because no matter how they changed they can't change the fact that at one point they didn't care/respect/love you enough to not cheat... and how can someone really change that?
just my 2cents.

 

[stacylynne]

Cheating would be the deal breaker for me. If you are in a relationship with someone, you are suppose to be faithful. If not, you are with the wrong person.

Me, personally, I would not take a guy back after he was with someone else. No way. Us ladies are too good for that & Never put up with it, If you do, you are saying to him it's ok. It's not

 

[Jot]

i like to think there are two types of cheater
1)those who do it beause they can and they enjoy the thrill of it all and aren't able to commit to one person
and
2) those who do it because there is a problem or something missing in their relationship and they find it in someone else.

the second isn't better but at least there is a reason and i'd hope that if they had a sucessfull relationship then they wouldn't cheat. Although obviously there are better ways with dealing with situation 2!
thats just my thoughts

 

[ellienellie]

I do believe people can change. Whether they do or not is another thing.

For me personally, I don't think I could ever get over it.
I mean it happened to me when I was dating a guy years ago, and when I found it, it was over.
It can take so long to trust someone implicitly, and then it literally takes minutes to shatter it completely.

And without trust, what kind of relationship would that be?

 

[littleinkpot]

Judging from my own experiences I *absolutely* believe in 'once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe there are people who cheat and people who don't. Simple as that. I've never known anyone (good friends and family included) who have changed in this regard, I think it's part of their character/person/morals/perception or whatever you want to call it. But that's just my experience. *shrugs*

 

[pumpkincat210]

I think I matured alot since I cheated. It ruined every relationship i was in. i was eventually cheated on as well and it was a very bad feeling. My self esteem was crushed and to this day i feel a stab when i think about it. The guy thought he could come back to me too, but I was hurt and really turned off. and though i had thoughts of forgiving him, I decided I did not want more pain. I new it would happen again and i didn't want to be his 3 a.m. girl. The funny part is I met this guy at a friend's house that kept hitting on me. I felt really uncomfortable, but he kept talking to me. My girl friend joined the conversation and somehow it turned into him telling us that he'd had sex with the same girl I was cheated on with. I new something was wrong!
Once you cheat on a person it opens the doors for more cheating on that person. Obviously if you cheat it means that you aren't fully satisfied with your partner. Definitely end the relationship before you cheat and if you can't choose a person, then neither one is the right one for you. The choice should be clear and the feelings should be strong.

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

I used to cheat a lot and have a lot been cheated on a few times. *shrugs* I just decided to stay single for a while to 'reset' myself as it were before I got my head kicked in. It's a selfish reason I know but the point is that People can change. Some choose not to but others do so I don't believe in that phrase.

 

[Bgirl17lovesMAC]

I think anyone can change as long as you are with the right person. People change time changes people.

 

[concertina]

I honestly don't know. I think that if a guy is consistently cheating on his wife and then manages to leave her for you (don't hold your breath) its just a matter of time before he leaves you for someone else...

However, I do think that if a man 'slips up', cheats once and then confesses and works at it, you can save it.

This is hard though...because there are so many variables that come into play...

 

[venusapollo]

My boyfriend and I were discussing this recently because a girl from 9th grade contacted him talking about some kiss and how she still thinks of him. This was 14 yrs ago! She said she is not really happy in her marriage and would love to meet up with him for coffee. The evils of myspace stalking. Anyway he claims that women emotionally cheat and it is just as bad as men who physically cheat. But he couldn't define where the line is for women talking to men as friends(regardless of the man's intentions for being there) and women talking to men for flirtatious emotional support. His claim is that chatting online, or getting coffee for weeks or months with a man, is just as bad as a man going off and having a one night stand, if not worse since there is emotion involved. I don't know that I agree...

I think it is very hard for someone to change their ways, but people do grow up. I think a lot of younger men, and women, are not really ready for a committed relationship, but convince themselves they are. Then they end up bored or unhappy or just curious if the grass is greener elsewhere.

I agree that there are two types of cheaters too. Those who do it because they can and want to(I think I am God's gift to women attitude) and those that do it because they are unhappy in their relationship but can't or don't want to leave. I have witnessed both situations.

I would say to just be careful and really open and honest. I had a guy cheat on me the entire 6 months we were together with 2-3 other women. I am not sure how many others there were. He did it because he could and he wasn't ready to commit. Yet he stressed time and again to me that he didn't want me seeing other people. Hello heartbreak.

 

[SexyVixenSF]

I think that phrase "Once a cheater always a cheater" is what is going thru your mind moreso than what the person is doing.
People learn and change and mature.
The psyche on the other hand...
Think about it...you get cheated on...thats all that is on your mind whenever the person isnt around you...so in your head they will do it again. Especially if you cant trust the person.

The way I see it, if I cant trust the person I am with I am not going to be with them...end of story. Why would I want to be with someone who I cannot be happy with? Why would I torture myself by always worrying and being scared of what they could/would/will do to me?
Nope I rather just move on.
I have had relationships where I could trust the person wholeheartedly heck I still do, my ex is now my bestest friend, but I refuse to waste my time on someone if I feel I cant trust them or second guess their intentions.

 

[feenin4makeup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pumpkincat210 I used to cheat on my boyfriends, but i've never cheated on my husband. I know it would spoil it and it would have an unhappy ending. I changed. I would not be able to live with myself if i cheated. I have mixed feelings about him telling you he cheats... It's almost as if he is telling you this incase he does cheat, he can have an excuse, that he told you this before the relationship started so you can't blame him. Just going into the relationship you are going to question and wonder his thoughts, motives and intentions to a new extent. I would be paranoid as hell. And though he believes it's wrong in the eyes of god to cheat on your wife, surely god doesn't think cheating on girlfriends is good either. Cheating is a lie and lies are bad! Just think of the emotional toll it takes on person, not to mention you could get an std. If the only thing that is keeping him from cheating on his wife is god then he has a lot to think about anyways... I would just date him and still see other guys. I would really reconsider being with him, it seems like a bad foot to start a relationship out on. I'd take this one sloooooowwwwww.

I completely agree with this. I've been there, done that and men will come up with all kinds of excuses or reasons why they won't do it again. My advice is to follow your gut. I find that I've always had these gut feelings telling me that something was wrong and I never followed them. Then years later I regret it. Take it slow and go with how you really feel inside. I think people can change but it varies from situation to situation. Take it slow and listen to your gut! I wish I had! It's no fun having to always look over your shoulder or wonder. Been there done that and I wish I would've gotten out while I was ahead. Good Luck!

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by venusapollo My boyfriend and I were discussing this recently because a girl from 9th grade contacted him talking about some kiss and how she still thinks of him. This was 14 yrs ago! She said she is not really happy in her marriage and would love to meet up with him for coffee. The evils of myspace stalking. Anyway he claims that women emotionally cheat and it is just as bad as men who physically cheat. But he couldn't define where the line is for women talking to men as friends(regardless of the man's intentions for being there) and women talking to men for flirtatious emotional support. His claim is that chatting online, or getting coffee for weeks or months with a man, is just as bad as a man going off and having a one night stand, if not worse since there is emotion involved. I don't know that I agree...

I think emotional infidelity is harder to swallow on some levels when your SO falls in love or develops a strong emotional attachment. Physical infidelity, plain physical infidelity and nothing, IMO, would be a lot easier to break off than if you were emotionally attached.

I totally do not agree with your boyfriend's idea of infidelity, though. I have tons of male friends. They're only friends. If my boyfriend were inclined, he could totally come along with me when I hang out with them. I have no problem telling him vaguely what we discuss, either (I'm a fan of keeping my friend's business my friend's business, no matter the gender).

I'm a fan of the general rule (of course, there are exceptions, like if you're in a bad relationship) that if you wouldn't behave in a certain way towards someone with your SO present, you shouldn't be doing it. I also just like living by the golden rule: treat people how you want to be treated

 

[concertina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark I think emotional infidelity is harder to swallow on some levels when your SO falls in love or develops a strong emotional attachment. Physical infidelity, plain physical infidelity and nothing, IMO, would be a lot easier to break off than if you were emotionally attached.

I *totally* agree. The idea of my husband sleeping with someone else? Thats hard to swallow. The idea of him *loving* someone else? Unthinkable.

Quote:

I totally do not agree with your boyfriend's idea of infidelity, though. I have tons of male friends. They're only friends. If my boyfriend were inclined, he could totally come along with me when I hang out with them. I have no problem telling him vaguely what we discuss, either (I'm a fan of keeping my friend's business my friend's business, no matter the gender).

This isn't necessarily relevant to the topic, but I, personally, don't believe men and women can be 'just friends'. There will be flirting (willingly or unknowingly), emotions, comparisons...I've *never* seen a man and woman be long-term friends. Ever.

Quote:

I'm a fan of the general rule (of course, there are exceptions, like if you're in a bad relationship) that if you wouldn't behave in a certain way towards someone with your SO present, you shouldn't be doing it.

And *THAT* is the best way to think about it. Absolutely.

Also, it almost sounds like your boyfriend is preparing you for *when* he cheats, not if. And its almost like he's giving himself an 'out'. Like "You *knew* I was going to cheat; I told you! Its not *my* fault you didn't listen". And that just screams 'BASTARD' to me in bright, red letters.

 

[iluffyew769769]

I think people can change if they want to, but most people don't...

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

This isn't necessarily relevant to the topic, but I, personally, don't believe men and women can be 'just friends'. There will be flirting (willingly or unknowingly), emotions, comparisons...I've *never* seen a man and woman be long-term friends. Ever.

I don't buy that, because that means bisexuals have no chance of just being friends with anyone, unless I suppose said friends are asexual. I fall under the category of bisexual, btw.

I am pretty close to some of my male friends, but I would NEVER date them. I'm not attracted to them like that. It's like there are female friends of mine, even my close ones, I would never consider dating or messing around with.

I think humans inevitably compare, and it isn't always about love or a relationship or sex.

 

[MAKExMExUP]

No, I don't believe in the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

I cheated on an ex a long time ago (a few times actually)... I could not even THINK about cheating on the man I am with now.

 

[Nox]

I look at it from a different angle, so I may be coming out of left field with this:

Some people are simply not monogamous. Point blank. They see no benefit/excitement in being with a single partner, and the security of a monogamous relationship may be overshadowed by the thrill of being with multiple people. If that's who they were before they met their current s.o., and that is how they had their sexual desires fulfilled, then it is pretty foolish to assume that they will magically turn out differently just because the current s.o. is now the main person. I think "love" has very little to do with it.

When others are trying to impose strict boundaries on a "poly" and expect them to follow it, I think there are problems already. But if a person knows they are not minded for monogamy but yet they enter into a relationship that was agreed to be exclusive, then the onus is on them to stick by it.

I have a friend who is polyamorous. She has been this way before she met her husband, and she remained that way after they married. He knew this full well going in, and he still decided to go through with the relationship anyway. He understood pretty quickly that this is who she was, and he was open enough to accept that side of her. From what he says, things are quite dandy in the household between him, his wife and her lover. Now this is most definitely not an arrangement for everybody, but it works fine for them with very little conflict.

 

[darkishstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jot i like to think there are two types of cheater 1)those who do it beause they can and they enjoy the thrill of it all and aren't able to commit to one person and 2) those who do it because there is a problem or something missing in their relationship and they find it in someone else. the second isn't better but at least there is a reason and i'd hope that if they had a sucessfull relationship then they wouldn't cheat. Although obviously there are better ways with dealing with situation 2! thats just my thoughts

Just adding to your thoughts. With problem 2, if they knew something was missing in their relationship, they should have the decency and respect to break it off with that person, ESPECIALLY if they knew something was missing. If something was missing, why be in the relationship in the first place? I see cheaters mostly as people who are too selfish to let the other person know about their real feelings because they want the easy way out or they don't want to go through the drama of a break-up, I don't mean with ALL cheaters though. I'm generalizing, which I shouldn't be doing.

 

[chameleonmary]

I am not going to get into the whole 'you should/you shouldnt' side of the argument, but I find it a little odd that now that he is ready to settle and marry. Maybe the cheating idea is well and truly in the past.

But are YOU ready for the same thing with him (ie. to settle and marry)? Because if you are doubting his trustworthiness and fidelity, it gives me the impressing you might not be.