Originally Posted by kaliraksha
I agree with Ms. Bloom that the most you can do is put it out there. Tell him what you want and need and see if he is going to be the guy that gives that to you. If not, don't fret too much... there are lots of other men in the world that will be more than happy too keep you happy. |
| Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy}
It's the whole "do unto others" thing. He's doing things to me that I know he would be wrecked over if I did them to him. |
| Originally Posted by shopgood
As for the threesome suggestion, that's just wrong on his part. My boyfriend used to ALWAYS bring up his ex (not in the way yours has) and I would hate it, but he'd never get the point when I would just stay quiet. He finally stopped talking about her after I told him straight up that it hurt me that he was still thinking about her, and even had the nerve to talk about her to me. But we definitely didn't get along.. My biggest advice to you is to just be completely honest to him about how you feel.. I think, as women, we just have to accept sometimes that men will be men.. They will occasionally look at other women, think about other women, maybe even flirt. But we can't get on their cases all the time unless we absolutely do not EVER do it ourselves. You never know how much a seemingly innocent smile to another cute guy could hurt your man. Anyway, so be honest! If he isn't the least bit considerate or sensitive to how you feel about what he does, he's just an ass.. No woman should have to live with someone who doesn't truly care about her. |
| Originally Posted by uberlicious
If this is your first relationship, and he is still trying to meet women, at the very least, you aren't ready to get married. Getting married just amplifies problems, rather than being a miracle cure, so I think postponing the nuptials until AFTER all the problems have been sorted out might be advisable. |
| Originally Posted by YvetteJeannine
I guess it brings it all down to one simple question you need to ask yourself: Is this REALLY the kind of guy you want to marry????!!!! |
| Originally Posted by Viva_la_MAC_Girl
I was going to say the same thing .. sweetie search your soul. |
| Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy}
I know love...
Honestly...I know it sounds like excuses, but he's very immature for his age, like an average 20 yr old guy, he even gravitates toward boys that age and younger...but I'd love to marry the mature version of him and a part of me says to myself he's gotta go through the maturity phase that most guys (well some of them at least, there are plenty that aren't gems) go through eventually. There's the question though, do I wanna wait for that, and what if it never really comes? ugh
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| Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy}
I 100% agree we're not nearly ready for marriage. We're not even talking about it or planning anything right now. A lot of our engagement had to do with feeling like we were ready to move in together and try it out ...kinda like a pre-marriage trial, and he felt that if we took the status of our relationship to the next level that it would make it an easier decision for me to move to Pa with him and also make it easier for my parents to deal with (coming from a very strict household). That wasn't the case, and I flip flopped a lot on moving. He still begs me to come down...but how can I leave everyone here when I'm not 100% sure of who I'm moving to? |
| Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy}
I know love...
Honestly...I know it sounds like excuses, but he's very immature for his age, like an average 20 yr old guy, he even gravitates toward boys that age and younger...but I'd love to marry the mature version of him and a part of me says to myself he's gotta go through the maturity phase that most guys (well some of them at least, there are plenty that aren't gems) go through eventually. There's the question though, do I wanna wait for that, and what if it never really comes? ugh
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| Originally Posted by kaliraksha
I think for me, this posts clarifies a lot of things. I personally feel like you shouldn't have to have any "status" for what you guys want to try... maybe naming yourselves "engaged" is too much pressure at this point in your relationship? There is nothing wrong with knowing that someday you want to get married and not actually being engaged? Maybe you need to take a step back to gain more? I think it will make your engagement, when it comes, more valuable... instead of "we've always been engaged" ... it feels to me like you guys are trying on the title... and are scared of deviating from that because you have a lot more to loose now... if something went wrong you would be breaking off an engagement... as opposed to "taking a break" or something of that nature. I think you should be engaged after your experimental stage... even if that experimental stage is "moving in together". It's just a high pressure title for me that I wouldn't assign to something that still requires testing. This is of course all my opinion and all of this may mean different things to you... I do honestly feel that if you love each other you can work it out, no matter what it takes. Also, thank you for updating us on talking to your fiance. I really appreciate when people take the time to give updates on an issue they asked advice for. =) |
| Originally Posted by Beauty Mark
However, I think it sounds like he's willing to try. See how that goes first. I think taking it slower may be what you need to do. |
| Originally Posted by VeXedPiNk
I'm glad to hear the updates!! Maybe he never has had a woman in his life with the courage to stand up for her feelings. You say his previous girlfriends didn't have a lot of self-respect, so perhaps he's used to being able to get away with such things. But now he has someone willing to say, "hey, this really upsets me and you have to stop". I hope this turns over a new leaf. If you genuinely believe that he wants to fix/change things, then by all means give it a go. But don't let it continue to happen. I speak from experience on this one. I've been in a relationship or two where I've accepted apologies way too many times, and the hurtful actions continued. As painful as it is, you have to be able to tell yourself that no matter how much you try, sometimes the other person just isn't willing to put the same effort into the relationship. That's when you have to walk away. Good luck, hun!!!
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| Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy}
Thank you so much love, it means a lot to me to have people take the time out and help.... I talked to him about the threesome issue last night... he said he meant it as a joke...but he apologized and said he wouldn't want to hear the same type of thing come out of my mouth about being with two guys. He knows that in my life I've only had strong feelings about one other person before him, a person I never got the chance to be serious with, never seemed like there was ever a right time for us but it always felt like something that should've happened, and I used that guy in an example of how he would feel if I hinted at having a threesome with him and my high school flame. We talked about a lot of other stuff that bothered me. He told me last night he wasn't used to girls caring about certain stuff that was bothering me and he never wants to hurt me...but by now he should know I'm not like the other girls he's had. Then again, I realize I shut my mouth sometimes, and these past 3+ years with him I've picked my battles maybe a little too infrequently. This is all part of why I'd hate to just throw in the towel...but I know if I continue to feel hurt, if there doesn't seem to be a change in maturity and respect, I won't do this anymore. He told me this morning he'll do anything he can to not lose me, that if I left him he'd be a mess and that would be putting it lightly. I just have to keep in mind that words and actions are two different things...even if that's what he feels, if he doesn't come through with it in his actions, I can't stick around. PS...I love you guys, I really wish I had girls like you around xoxox |
