Pregnant and ... well, really quite unnerved about it

[urbanlilyfairy]

off topic ..and not meant to make fun or highlight the poster the word was used for. I just liked the word.

"disingenuous" ..that's an awesome word ...you college grads have the grandest vocabulary lol !! I'm so going to have to use that in a sentence soon. =P

 

[nikki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist I am hugely looking forward to feeling the baby move in the next few months. I'm only at the beginning of the 2nd trimester, so obviously I can't feel anything yet. The first scan did make flood me with an indescribable wave of emotion, all of it positive. I'd been throwing up blood that morning (had a nosebleed that triggered off the morning sickness) and been feeling extremely rough. I saw the baby moving around, like he/she was flipping cartwheels, and I just ... couldn't believe it. Still can't. I really, honestly didn't expect them to find a baby in there, even though the pregnancy tests came back positive. I can't feel anything move in the first trimester, so it's been completely unreal. Then I saw it, and all the pain of the morning - the nausea, throwing up, the suffering of it all - was just completely gone. For about an hour. Then it came back. :/ I've gained a tiny amount of weight (7lbs), I still fit all my tops (though my trousers are a bit tight around the waist for comfort; I like them naturally loose), and apart from all the awful pregnancy symptoms, I just feel like I've been unwell for three solid months. The nausea has finally subsided though, after throwing me on my ass for what seemed like an eternity. Does pregnancy get any better? Did anyone enjoy it at all? Cuz the first trimester sucked ass and I honestly, truly don't recommend it to anyone.

Don't worry, after the nausea is gone--it gets better.

 

[Pinkish*RED]

sorry couldn't read all the comments ( I got fed up with all the unsupportive comments you were getting) but I just had to say there are so many who feel exactly the way you do and I was one of them! I did nottt want to have kids and didn't think I'd be a good mom and only did it for my husband who I love (but even then I was still scared, disappointed, confused, wanted to terminate, angry at him lool, amongst other things) but what matters honestly is the end result. I have a baby girl and I love her more than life (I don't sit there thinking it but it's the truth, it's impossible to have a beautiful baby and not love her or him)..

But she's only a lil one right now and the feeling of "am I a bad mother" sorry to say will prolly stick with you for a long time, any decent mother would think this. I can't guarantee I will raise her well or be a good mother to her but I know that I can try and so can you.

Getting help is very important right now and when you have your baby, if it's not family friends or professionals it can be complete strangers (I'm here for you if you need any mommy advice

) as long as you are not alone! so many women suffer because having a baby, labour, giving birth, and then having to deal with the kid afterwards sadly does not get easier, just make sure there's someone around that cares.

financial problems, I know are terrible but your baby wants love and care not expensive toys (my daughter likes playing with remote controls and cardboard boxes more than her toys!) but it also means your life is on hold (work etc. needs to wait)

when I had my baby a nurse said something to me that wasn't very supportive or nice (esp. at the time--i jus delivered and could have died from how tired I was) but she said "baby comes first" and it's true. Humans are conditioned to care for themselves and be selfish in that way, but mothers are made ( I swear it's like from god or something) to as soon as they have a baby to put themselves second to him or her!

Also if you see your baby and think..um..ok? (as in you don't get that rush of motherly goodness!) Dont panic!!! A lot of women take a little or a lot longer to feel it. But it will come eventually.

All I can say is Dumbeldore's famous words "help is always there for those who ask for it"

 

[VioletB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist I didn't think you were going towards a pro-life discussion. I think my post made you angry, as you admitted, and you wrote what you did in anger, not caring how it would affect me or anyone else reading the thread. While I accept the apology and thank you for your good wishes, I didn't misinterpret your comments in the slightest. It was a hurtful thing that you wrote, and to pretend that it wasn't meant that way now that a Moderator has gotten involved is disingenuous. Whatever.

Sorry you feel that way.

 

[Caramel_QT]

Well, I'm 31 and have 4 children, and can tell you that though it's rough, it is totally worth it. My husband has been laid-off since December and I was a stay-at-home mommy until I starting temping through an agency to help make ends meet.

I think your feeling nervous is completely normal. Woman often don't get that "maternal" feeling until they actually hold their child. So I don't think waiting around to feel that warm fuzzy feeling - well it may never happen until you *see* your child. Children are a blessing and when you have your baby you'll look back on this time and say: "what was I thinking".

You have a lot going for you: you're educated and you're married for starters. So you have student loans - who doesn't. Without them, you wouldn't be able to go out and earn what you are able to earn with this education so I consider it money well borrowed.

Just remember there is never a "perfect" time to have a child. Sure, some times are better than others, but considering your situation, and the fact that you already are pregnant, your energy would be best focused on making the best of the decision you and your husband made and making it work.

I would love to chat further about this with you...I can talk about pregnancy and children all day...please feel free to pm me. I also want to let you know that the feeling of "OMGosh, what was I thinking getting pregnant..." well I've been there at least 3 out of 4 times, lol.

All the best to you. I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

I think you should explore the forebearance option with your student loans further, in my experience it's not very hard to get a forebearance, and they've never asked me for any financial information from my husband. Just thought you might like to hear that from someone who has had to use the forebearance/deferrment options a number of times for my own personal students loans. In regards to your other concerns, other people have given much better advice then I could offer in this situation, so I'll think good things for you and hope that this will be an experience that will bless you beyond all imagining!

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dahlia_Rayn I think you should explore the forebearance option with your student loans further, in my experience it's not very hard to get a forebearance, and they've never asked me for any financial information from my husband. Just thought you might like to hear that from someone who has had to use the forebearance/deferrment options a number of times for my own personal students loans. In regards to your other concerns, other people have given much better advice then I could offer in this situation, so I'll think good things for you and hope that this will be an experience that will bless you beyond all imagining!

I'm really hoping I don't have to do forbearance first because the interest will accrue on all of the loans in that status, even the subsidised loans (which are a huge portion of my total debt). I'm hoping to qualify for on economic hardship grounds after the grace period finishes on the loans, which will mean the interest will still be subsidised by the government.

I should add, I don't want to defer the loans for a very long time. I get six months on most of the loans, though two of the loans will kick into repayments as soon as my status in the university as a student ceases (that's 30th September, and I'm due 9th October). Those two loans I'm not concerned about - the vast majority will be in the grace period for another six months, giving me at least six months with the baby to find a job if the post-doc position in January doesn't pan out for me.

It's after those six months that I'm worried about. If I haven't found a job that meets the threshold I need to hit in order to afford the repayments, but the loan servicers say I'm earning enough to meet the payments, I don't know what I'll do.

Argh. *sigh*

 

[glassy girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist Thank you. I sometimes feel a bit like ... I dunno, like I'm some kind of strange woman for not enjoying the pregnancy and not being in love with the idea of having a baby. Sometimes the hormones surge and I get this overwhelming sense of happiness. I'm a scientist though (technically an archaeologist, but I'm on the processual side of the field so that makes me a scientist), and I know that's just a surge of hormones. I try to hold on to the emotion because I want to be happy about this, I want to be excited... but at the moment, I am just terrified I'm going to be a terrible mother.

This is all normal i still feel terrified if im going to be a horrible mother and my son is 8 years old, i think thats part of being a great mom is you actully love them so dearly that u want to almost be perfect but thats just part of being a good mom. there will be days when u think man am i the worst mom on the face of the planet then u see ur kids and u see them laugh,smile ect. and u think im doing the best i could do and that alone makes me a good mom. Hang in there u won't be pregnant 4 ever thats the worst part (well 4 me anyways) good wishes.

 

[Lissa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist I've had a stream of rejection letters too over the past year and a bit. I haven't actually even managed to get a single interview for any of the archaeology positions to which I've applied. It's so hugely depressing, but I have hope that the post-doc application to AHRC may work out for me. I have the support of a number of people who would be involved with the actual project, so at least this time if I get rejected, the rejection is as much on their shoulders as mine!

The AHRC (or AHRB as they were at that time) funded my masters. They paid tuition and college fees for me and I got a maintenance grant. I didn't think I had a hope in hell, but I had worked my arse off and had two really amazing references from tutors to back me up. Sounds like you have even better backing so I would say you're in with a damn good chance

Congratulations on your pregnancy also! As everyone else says, you will find a way to manage, it's amazing how we adjust to new situations.

 

[mreichert]

Your story sounds so much like mine (except I haven't gotten pregnant yet- hopefully soon though

) But I have been working on my Master's Degree, and boy is it expensive!! My husband and I have been married almost 6 years and have waited due to finances associated with schooling.

I think for the fact alone that you are able to face your fears and search for help already proves that you will be a wonderful mom!!! There are so many out there who are not so concerned about raising their child well- you will do wonderfully I am sure! And since your childhood wasn't as great, you already know what not to do- you are wiser than you think

Do you have any friends or family that you could trust watching your baby while you work? Just move here to Michigan, and I will watch him/her whenever you need AND I'll do your makeup for you

Hang in there hun- BIG hugs

 

[Girl about town]

Thats great you have your career, people have a habit of making you feel like that to be a good mother you shouldn't have career. I think you will manage better than you think you will.
Im a nurse and my partner a fireman so not particularly well paid but my partner and i and our son have a fairly comfortable existance, and thats in Glasgow, if someone had told me i would be ok financially with a child i wouldn't have believed them at all.Stick it out with the career and hopefully it will get to the point money won't be an issue for you.

Enjoy your pregnancy its the most prescious time of your life and a baby really does make you look at life differently.

 

[lizardprincesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist Thank you. I sometimes feel a bit like ... I dunno, like I'm some kind of strange woman for not enjoying the pregnancy and not being in love with the idea of having a baby.

You are *not* strange!! Maybe most (or many) women feel the very same way (?) I had a career prior to being a mommy. Even with continuing your scientific career, becoming a mom is a major Life change...

I was pretty terrified when I found out.I didn't know what to feel...I always felt blessed (not in a religious sense, but in a spiritual sense...)
We were trying, but we didn't verbalize it

Pregnancy is not always enjoyable! I found it exciting, but not always comfortable, shall we say? The worst part was probably that I had no family nor real friends in England with me, as I'm not from there...The mid-wives were,in general, fantastic, & were ready to answer even what I thought were the silliest questions, or to ease my tiny-huge anxieties...
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Quote:

Sometimes the hormones surge and I get this overwhelming sense of happiness. I'm a scientist though (technically an archaeologist, but I'm on the processual side of the field so that makes me a scientist), and I know that's just a surge of hormones. I try to hold on to the emotion because I want to be happy about this, I want to be excited... but at the moment, I am just terrified I'm going to be a terrible mother.

The hormones were probably the most difficult part for me. I still feel doubts at my maternal state, and Leo's 4. I feel my husband is alot more nurturing. (My husband thinks I'm a great mom

When your child looks into your eyes, you will feel better, trust me...

Don't try to force your feelings. The hormone surges...enjoy the happy feelings they bring. When you're feeling unhappy,
try to find a healthy outlet (like posting here, if it's helped you to feel supported.) You will be fantastic and you will do your *new* job well...You will also find ways to deal with costs, etc...Try not to worry. (I know those words are difficult, in the face of hormones...Try to take it a Day at a Time...or 1/2 a Day...)

My husband and I moved from England to America with a 1.5 yr.-old babe...after the stress of my hubby selling his house, saying good-bye to his parents, etc...Life has been an adventure, but we are ok, a unit of people ( & kitties) who love each other. ~You will be ok.~

Never be afraid to talk to the midwives. They are incredibly compassionate & well-trained. My main midwife actually text-messaged me from her vacation in Italy to say hello!

btw....Congratulations!!

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[lizardprincesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by frocher Life changes this huge are bound to unnerve you, it sounds like you are keeping your wits about you and thinking this through rationally. I don't mean to sound corny, but all the decisions you made were out of love, so love is what will help you through this. It will be a tough transition, but you are a resourceful woman and I am sure your husband is no slouch either. You will find a way to provide for yourselves and your child. As far as being a good mother, the fact you are worried about it is a very good sign imo. Since you love your husband so dearly I can't imagine you would resent a person who is a result of how much you care for him. Good luck, remember some of the most wonderful things in life are unplanned.

frocher...Your post here is absolutely fantastic. xxxCherylFaith

 

[lizardprincesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by glassy girl This is all normal i still feel terrified if im going to be a horrible mother and my son is 8 years old,

omGoddess

You just made me feel so much better! My son is 4 years old.


Quote:

i think thats part of being a great mom is you actully love them so dearly that u want to almost be perfect but thats just part of being a good mom. there will be days when u think man am i the worst mom on the face of the planet then u see ur kids and u see them laugh,smile ect. and u think im doing the best i could do and that alone makes me a good mom. Hang in there u won't be pregnant 4 ever thats the worst part (well 4 me anyways) good wishes.

Oh, you are absolutely adorable

How did you read my mind so well? i know you are one amazing mommy! Thanks for adding to this important thread, & for helping people, many other people besides myself, I'm sure!

xxCherylFaith

 

[glassy girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardprincesa omGoddess You just made me feel so much better! My son is 4 years old. Oh, you are absolutely adorable How did you read my mind so well? i know you are one amazing mommy! Thanks for adding to this important thread, & for helping people, many other people besides myself, I'm sure! xxCherylFaith

WOW THANKS I KNOW BECOMING OR BEING A MOM IS SO LIFE CHANGING AND UR NAME SAYS IT ALL FAITH !!

 

[stacylynne]

I don't have any children (I have dogs, lol)
Of course you feel overwhelmed in this situation. Adding an addition to the family can be very unerving, exciting all at the same time.

If you have your parents or his parents live local to you, maybe you can have them watch the baby 2-3x a week instead of child care.

It seem that you are married, you are both stable in what you want for your life time career.

Of course this can be scary & you're prob. playing bumper cars in your head (pro's & cons).

I'm sure everything will work out & just embrace this blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason.

 

[Kalico]

I'm one of those that don't have children, lol. I just wanted to say... even though I don't know you at all, I think you will be a wonderful mother. Who wouldn't love such a rational, level headed mother such as yourself? You already have an education under your belt even if it is still in the works. It's not the best time to be pregnant but it will all work out for you. There are many mothers who have had worse circumstances and defied all odds and came out on top. You're not doing too shabby.

My mother was never the maternal type either but I think she grew into it. It's different when they're your own. And just think of all the insane things that are happening in your body right now. It's amazing! And then this baby will come as the result of it all. Pretty cool, even if you end up hating being pregnant (which is different than how you will feel about your baby of course).

Congratulations! Try to relax, everything will be wonderful.

You're gonna be an amazing mother.