Proper etiquette, maybe I was out of line?

[NicksWifey]

Ok I seriously need to ask y'all a question based on an experience I had last night at my own house involving my fiance's brother.
Maybe I'm just uptight, or maybe because I was raised with manners and to ask politely for something instead of just taking it, but I have a story to share.
Last night, my fiance had his brother, sister & father over to play board games. It was something we had planned for a few days. Nick & I had already ate earlier and I had started to make popcorn before we played the game. Nick's brother (who is a huge freeloader) showed up right before the game and just waltzed over to the fridge and helped himself to some Italian ice (ice cream type of dessert) and a Coke. Ok, I'm really really picky when it comes to my Coke. I'm a total Coke bitch and nobody ever really drinks them except for me because they're mine and I PAID for them. My people know how I feel about Coke and usually don't mess with them. I thought it was rude, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to come across as a bitch. Well I finished up the popcorn, put it on the table where we were playing one of the games and his brother pretty much ate the entire bowl by himself with the exception of 2 handfulls.

After we finished the game, I had to leave for a while to visit my parents and was gone for about 90 minutes. I came back sometime around 10pm and noticed that all of my Cokes were gone (I had three cans left) and noticed that an entire bag of frozen Pizza Rolls was pretty much demolished. I had just bought those last week at the grocery store and it was a bag of around 30 and less than 10 were left. I was PISSED. I realize that it's his brother, but honestly, what the fuck gives you the right to come into my house and invade my kitchen and just help yourself to whatever you damn well please without asking?! Nick said he never even asked, he just said he was hungry and helped himself. His brother was still there (of course he was, because this time he was mooching off of our internet to download music onto his iPod) and I got shitty with him and told him he owed me a 12-pack of Coke & and a bag of Pizza Rolls. This in turn, pissed off my fiance but too damn bad. You know, I live here too, I buy the groceries every month and I honestly do not mind if your family is hungry or thirsty but good god, do not think just because your brother lives here that you are entitled to whatever the hell you want from my fridge and cupboards.

I know whenever I visit my brother, I never ask for anything because I'm just like that. I'm damn sure don't go helping myself to whatever I want without asking. You know, maybe I'm being really uptight about this, but I just get pissed at people who mooch 24/7 and it's not just about the food, but he could've at least asked first instead of raiding my food.

 

[NatalieMT]

I do think it's rude of your fiance's brother, I don't think you're out of line to be annoyed. It sounds like he's acting like he owns the place and everything in it! I guess you could tell him it would be polite to ask but it sounds like he's set in his ways - especially if you say he's always been a massive freeloader.

I don't think it's worth getting angry over, but I'm not really sure what to suggest. Maybe if they all come over again tell them 'you're welcome to eat xxx and xxx, but please don't touch the xxx as I'm saving them for later in the week'. That way there is a boundary. It could be that your fiance's brother does the same in every house he goes to and has never been pulled up about it before, because other people are too polite to do so.

 

[florabundance]

I get where you're coming from, but if you expect everybody to behave the way you do, you'll be pissed off way too much. Not everybody is courteous enough to ask for things, some people feel that when it comes to family, having to ask isn't a necessity.

I have to say I agree with Nick at getting pissed with the whole "you owe me...etc". At the end of the day, these things can be replaced, it just seems like you've disliked your brother in law's ways for a long time and this was an obvious oppurtunity to vocalise that.

 

[revinn]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people take food without asking. I don't mind sharing, but don't just assume that it's alright to stick your greasy mitts all over my lunch just because we're friends. It's common courtesy, and people should have more common sense. I think you were completely in the right to get angry; that was a LOT of food!! I commend you on being able to stand up for yourself, I probably wouldn't have had the guts and simply fumed about it all night. What an impolite creep to impose himself upon you that way, family or not.

 

[NicksWifey]

I guess my whole beef with the situation is that although I don't think everyone should behave as I do (and I certainly don't expect them to), I do believe in manners and think that you should ask if you want something, even if it is at family's house.
I can only imagine the look on my sister-in-law's face if I went into their kitchen and started taking food out of their fridge to eat without asking for it. It's just rude to act like that. His family is very open, but still, if you want something, just ask. I'm a picky bitch so I see if I'm being a bit obsessive about it, but when I spend a lot of money on groceries each week, I get annoyed when people who visit our house don't have the common courtesy to at least ask if it's alright to have this or that. They just assume it's alright and help themselves to whatever the hell they want.

 

[florabundance]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey I'm a picky bitch

me too doll, just about different shit. you have the right to be pissed of course! i didnt want to come across as though i thought that you dont have the right to be protective of your stuff....i'm just used to my culture where EVERYBODY makes themselves at home EVERYWHERE lol, and i'm usually someone who finds that a bit uncomfortable and my family pulls me up on it like "why did the generous gene skip you?"

 

[Simply Elegant]

I think you and your fiance need to agree with whatever to do about him and the mooching situation otherwise you're just going to come off as the bad person in all this. Maybe try to compromise, like let his brother have what he wants in reason at your house but tell him that he should be asking first because even though he's family he's still a guest and that he should be respectful of loved ones' things. If he thinks that you're being out of line, you could always relate it to something that he's protective over at his house just so that he understands why you don't like it.

 

[purrtykitty]

I'd be pissed too, especially since we have a really tight food budget and we don't keep a lot of extra food around to snack on. I agree that you really need your fiance on your side when approaching him, since it is his brother. Family stuff is tough...the boundaries aren't necessarily as clear when family is involved. But, bottom line...guests, whether family or not, shouldn't have the run of the house, and manners shouldn't go out the door just because it's family.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I was raised never to take anything from anyone's fridge unless you ask or have been given specific permission. Actually, I was raised not to even look but to politely ask for something to drink. Depending on the family, though, it could look like you're being a diva (my father's ex-girlfriend thought that's why I did it, even though I think she was just looking to pick a fight for the hell of it).

I think, regardless of how you're raised with that, it's ridiculous to consume all of someone's food. Food is expensive, and if it's meant to be shared, sharing doesn't mean you eat it all. That's just rude.

I don't want to be an ass, but it sounds like you lost your temper a bit. It's understandable, since I have major issues with private property, like I don't want people touching it. I think the best way to have handled it was tell him calmly that you bought this stuff for you guys and that you wish that he'd ask before leaving pretty much nothing. You and your fiance need to discuss how to handle this kind of stuff, and then you need to be calm and polite about it. You should always try to be polite, even to those who are really rude

You have to handle it delicately. This your new family, and you don't want them to resent you, because your fiance will probably resent you too

 

[pretebrowneyes]

here's my take on things....i'm of the school where when family comes over, they can help themselves and make themselves comfortable. HOWEVER, don't make like my kitchen is an all you can eat buffet and empty me out like the Fatboys, lol. I would've been upset as you were. I probably wouldn't have gotten made about 1 coke and maybe one serving of pizza rolls. But this dude basically just ate everything and didn't give anyone else a chance. You don't stock your fridge for moochers...I think you should sit down with Nick (is it ok that I call him Nick, lol) and calmly tell him why this upset you and how important his support is of you. Family is family...but you are his chosen partner and you should always stand united, even if it is pizza rolls.

 

[User93]

I agree with florabundamce, i wanted to say that you have all the rights to be pissed and it doesnt make you a bitch. I hate when someone grabs my food, once i stayed for a night at the friends house, and someone ate my youghurt i previously bought to eat in the morning. Damn.

But see, different people have different view on this "food question". And getting closer with fiance's family you can face lots of other things which can possibly piss you off. You shouldnt get that nerveous about all that.. And i agree that "you owe me" thing was a bit of overreacting, really, this food can be replaced, thanks God you are not straving. I think good relationship with brother-in-law > food you can replace. Though, once again, i understand your feelings completely hun. I think you should wait a little now, and when he comes by the other day and all this happends, just tell Nick fter his brother leaves that it bothers you.

 

[MACATTAK]

I would never dream of doing that at someone's house!!! Some people are just raised differently, and obviously don't think twice, but that would seriously piss me off.

For the future, when you know they are coming down, maybe you can have your fiance (don't know if you share finances) pitch in for some snacks for them. Or since it seems like he's really hungry, have everyone bring something & you pitch in the drinks or whatever else. That's fair & then you won't feel like he is eating you out of house and home

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Im weird about that too.. Food is expensive, if someone comes over and asks for something to eat I will GLADLY prepare it for them, My own brother is king of eating the entire bag or box of (whatever it is) He can eat like 10 servings in one sitting.

Something else I NEVER do.. Is take the last of something. I can go to my good friends house and I will Ask for something to drink.. if I look in the fridge and see one or two cokes left... I won't take one .. I don't know why, I feel weird about it.

Some people were just raised like barbarians I guess.

 

[kimmy]

i don't think it was rude of you to say anything. i think it was rude of him to come munch on your foodz. i am wayy protective over my food, so i know how you feel.

when i visit my sister, we pretty much go out or order pizza or something, which i always offer to pay for (and since my sister's a poor college student, i end up paying for it haha!) because she's being generous enough to let me in her living space, i don't want o encroach more than i already am, i guess. if i get thirsty or something, i just have some water from the tap, until she catches me and tells me to get a real drink from the fridge.

i had a friend that lived with me for about a month a while ago and she drove me up a damn wall because everytime i brought food home (that i paid for, since she wasn't working...and wasn't even trying to find anything i later found out) she would gorge herself and i'd come back like "where the fuck is that hundred dollars of groceries i JUST brought home?!" god forbid i left food in the house while i was at work, i'd come home and the cabinets and fridge were cleared out completely. i was like "chick, get yer own food...daaamn."

i just feel like when you're a guest in someone's house, you should be grateful that they opened their home to you and you shouldn't really ask for anything more, unless you're prepared to pitch in, too.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I dont think ur wrong, at all. I think mayeb its time for ur fiance to have a talk with his brother, and just tell him to start asking first. Set up some ground rules. You're not wrong.

Man, I have to buy my own groceries at my house too, and to make sure its known that its mine, I keep it all in the grocery bags and tie them up, u know? I flip the hell out if someone eats my food, because I'm the youngest person in the house, and I buy my own groceries, I don't spend my money for you to eat the food that I like, and specifically buy for myself. Like, we're talking things that no one here buys for themselves. Grrrr!

 

[coachkitten]

I love how you called yourself a "coke bitch"!

I am the same way with my Diet Coke!

I think that maybe Nick should talk to his brother about not helping himself to your stuff when he comes over. I can totally understand why you got mad. Maybe next time you have game night everyone can be assigned something to bring over that would be for all of the guests. Maybe he can bring a 12 pack of coke to share that day.

Sometimes people seriously have no manners!

 

[urbanlilyfairy]

I don't think you are wrong for being pissed that he just waltz in your home and didn't ask first before helping him self. That is pretty rude. Something like that would not bother me though because when we have guests over I tell them to make themselves at home and am more of a mi casa es su casa type of person. BUt im sure if somene came over and played with my makeup and other personal things or read my new magazine without me looking at first lolz ~ id be pissed hehe ..diffrent things tick us all off lol.

I do understand that food is expensive especially these days. Just a suggestion though .... maybe next time you guys have people over..you mentioned yall had planned to have them over for a while. I would suggest maybe to pick up some generic coke lol ..and some snack foods or suggest a pot luck where the guests bring something too. I know it was jsut board games ..but when I know someone is coming over I would like to be a good host and have something on hand to give them to snack on and drink.

It might be better to jsut plan out some simple inexpensive food items and drinks ..put out already for guests where its easily available and they don't have to go all rifling through you fridge and cuboard with or without permission.

 

[PolyphonicLove]

My mum has friends that expect us to feed them whenever they come over, and get loud asking for soda and chips and shit. It pisses me off because not everyone has money to just hand food out like that.

Its rude of ANYONE to walk in and think they're entitled to food, be it a brother, sister, mom, half dead granny; they damn sure better ask and be polite. The fact that he ate THAT much food is crazy, and I'd be mad as hell.

Do what urbanlilyfairy said, and buy cheap no name sodas and snacks, and hide the good shit. even better, use your fiance's money to buy said no names - this way, if they eat it all, you won't have to complain since you didn't pay for it. Your jackass future brother in law won't be hungry, you still have your cokes, and your fiance...well, I don't know; either way, EVERYONE WINS!

 

[M.A.C. head.]

I definitely don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but you could have handled the actual situation better. I am definitely a stingy person with my favorite things.

I would suggest spending a little bit of cash when you plan on having extra guests over. $20 could cover some sodas and snacks. Place them out in the open so that guests will be less tempted to go snack grabbin' LOL When they get to the house you can greet them and then politely let them know that there are snacks and drinks available. That way, the guests are satisfied and your goodies are safe. ALSO, hide your shit girl LMAO I do it all the time. I put stuff in my room or in the back of the cupboard/fridge if I don't want people touching it.

 

[laneyyy]

Ugh, I had a similar experience to this, and I DO NOT think that you were wrong or out of line to be pissed off... It's one thing to have people over that are friends, and tell them that they are welcome to anything they want i/e drinks, a beer or 2, some munchies, whatever. But we had this one dude (this guy is an E-5 in the Army), and he got kicked out of his house for not paying his rent. First of all, I don't see how he got himself into this situation, because, living overseas, we get MORE THAN ENOUGH for housing, and other housing involved allowances. This guy is the type of guy that goes out to the bars EVERYNIGHT. Well, of course he needed a place to stay while he was waiting fot temp quarters in the on base hotel, and me being the generous person I am, obliged. well, a few nights turned into 3 weeks, and I finally had to kick him out. He was taking advantage of EVERYTHING in the house. AND GIRL... my Cokes are MY COKES!!!! I just bought a 12 pack, and by the time I went to the fridge to get one, there were only 3 left...

Not to mention he was eating all our food, and using MY sanctuary bathtub leaving his pubey-like body hairs all in the bottom of the tub. Not to forget to mention the mess he made with the toilet was UN-BEARABLE

He kept falling asleep on my new 1200 Euro couch, leaving all his little hairs on it (when I made it clear that I don't want him falling asleep in front on the TV on the couch, thats why I have a spare bedroom), and leaving the TV on all night, which is connected to a 2000W transformer which literally sucks up power from the whole house (European homes suck when you are acustomed to American standards) My hubby had to go on a TDY (Temporary Duty) out of the country, and this asshole was still mooching off us still staying in our house, using our internet and phone to make international calls

. OH! And driving our secong car while his was in the shop, and asking for gas money!!! First of all, it inappropriate for another male to be in my house when my husband is gone for the week, so I finally said look you gotta find somewhere else to stay. I felt bad, but this is MY house, and I felt likr he was taking over it!!!! FUCK THAT!!!

So sorry for the rant... mooching stories just get me into a tizzy...

So, I don't think you were inappropriate in anyway for feeling what you felt, and doing what you did. ITS YOUR STUFF, and unless you invite someone to be welcome to your stuff, it's out of bounds...