Serious issue ... out of control brother ...

[amoona]

Ok so I have a serious issue at hand and I need to vent about it and plus I really don't know what to do. This may get lenghty so hopefully someone will read it.

So my younger brother (who just turned 16) is out of control. He's pretty much a loser, he hangs out with losers. All he does is get high and hang out with his friends. He has no respect for me or my mother and he pretty much does what he wants without caring what my mother says. Her problem is that she's kinda given up on him because she's been blind to his actions for so long.

I'm always getting mad at her because she doesn't put her foot down, and I'm always mad at him because he's such a waste of space! Today was just like the last straw and I need to know what to do.

So what happened today: The retard came home high off his ass after a productive day of hanging out with his friends. He comes home and he goes to the ticket to fix himself a plate for dinner, which is rear because he usually has my mom do it for him. For some reason he decides to take the time to lay his huge smelly coat on the entryway of the kitchen. I get up to put my plate in the kitchen sink and I see his jacket on the floor, I look at him and he just stands there. So I walk over his jacket and I happened to step on his jacket. He then goes off ... cussing a storm and going psycho. Then he comes in my room and knocks off everything from my dresser. Before I snap I tell my mother to control her son because I'm calling the cops on him. I don't feel safe in a house with him because he has a horrible temper and he's a threat to me and her.

He continues to cuss and go off on me and he calls me a "f'n bitch" so my mom gets involved. She told him to shut up and watch his mouth, she started telling him he needs to learn to respect me and all this stuff and then he gets up and puts his hands in front of him and tells my mom "step back dawg. u jus came at me hella fawl." (i'm not even sure what that means!) and my mom got pissed.

Long story short, he kept going off and fighting with my mom. He started picking fights with her over random stuff he would bring up. i.e. he got mad that my mom told him his friends are punks. Basically he has no respect for anyone, he thinks he's something big and he can go around and intimidate us. Although he'd probably hit me before he hits my mom I'm more worried for her. I'm personally not intimidated by him, I want me to lay a finger on me so I can call the cops and get rid of him.

I know this all sounds really harsh but it's not, trust me. I've spent too many years trying to guide me the right way and worrying about him. There's only so much I can say or do, maybe jail will be the only thing to change him. I've even tried convincing my mom to send him to Palestine for the summer so he'll grow up and become a man (war, poverty, and death make u grow up real quick) but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I mean is there anything I can really do?! If I call the cops and let them know that I feel unsafe in a house with him and I feel that my mother is unsafe in a house with him ... will they do anything? idk what I can do, honestly he makes me want to move out of this house and just disappear! Living with him is miserable. He's disgusting and has no concept of personal hygenie and he has no idea that trash belongs in the garbage and not on the floor!

Sorry I'm just going on and on with this ranting but I am furious right now.

Any words of advice ladies?!

 

[Viva_la_MAC_Girl]

Wow i'm sorry. I say the next time he is high off his ass and he is acting like that towards you all I say call the cops - he is underage and on drugs!! Otherwise I don't know what to say other than I hope it gets better for you all.


Quote:

Originally Posted by amoona Ok so I have a serious issue at hand and I need to vent about it and plus I really don't know what to do. This may get lenghty so hopefully someone will read it. So my younger brother (who just turned 16) is out of control. He's pretty much a loser, he hangs out with losers. All he does is get high and hang out with his friends. He has no respect for me or my mother and he pretty much does what he wants without caring what my mother says. Her problem is that she's kinda given up on him because she's been blind to his actions for so long. I'm always getting mad at her because she doesn't put her foot down, and I'm always mad at him because he's such a waste of space! Today was just like the last straw and I need to know what to do. So what happened today: The retard came home high off his ass after a productive day of hanging out with his friends. He comes home and he goes to the ticket to fix himself a plate for dinner, which is rear because he usually has my mom do it for him. For some reason he decides to take the time to lay his huge smelly coat on the entryway of the kitchen. I get up to put my plate in the kitchen sink and I see his jacket on the floor, I look at him and he just stands there. So I walk over his jacket and I happened to step on his jacket. He then goes off ... cussing a storm and going psycho. Then he comes in my room and knocks off everything from my dresser. Before I snap I tell my mother to control her son because I'm calling the cops on him. I don't feel safe in a house with him because he has a horrible temper and he's a threat to me and her. He continues to cuss and go off on me and he calls me a "f'n bitch" so my mom gets involved. She told him to shut up and watch his mouth, she started telling him he needs to learn to respect me and all this stuff and then he gets up and puts his hands in front of him and tells my mom "step back dawg. u jus came at me hella fawl." (i'm not even sure what that means!) and my mom got pissed. Long story short, he kept going off and fighting with my mom. He started picking fights with her over random stuff he would bring up. i.e. he got mad that my mom told him his friends are punks. Basically he has no respect for anyone, he thinks he's something big and he can go around and intimidate us. Although he'd probably hit me before he hits my mom I'm more worried for her. I'm personally not intimidated by him, I want me to lay a finger on me so I can call the cops and get rid of him. I know this all sounds really harsh but it's not, trust me. I've spent too many years trying to guide me the right way and worrying about him. There's only so much I can say or do, maybe jail will be the only thing to change him. I've even tried convincing my mom to send him to Palestine for the summer so he'll grow up and become a man (war, poverty, and death make u grow up real quick) but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I mean is there anything I can really do?! If I call the cops and let them know that I feel unsafe in a house with him and I feel that my mother is unsafe in a house with him ... will they do anything? idk what I can do, honestly he makes me want to move out of this house and just disappear! Living with him is miserable. He's disgusting and has no concept of personal hygenie and he has no idea that trash belongs in the garbage and not on the floor! Sorry I'm just going on and on with this ranting but I am furious right now. Any words of advice ladies?!

 

[Beauty Mark]

You certainly have legitimate reason to call the cops, but before you do that, have you tried and exhausted all other avenues? Depending on what he's charged with, it could follow him through life. I'm not saying don't be afraid to act, but- I've been in situations where I've feared my brother was going to harm someone, too, and had to figure out how realistic it was.

Since he is a minor and if you have your mother's support, you could try sending him to one of those schools where they try to get kids to straighten up and act properly... I'm not sure of the names of them, but they basically have thug kids live in the woods and try to discipline them. The schools are rough, and the kids have done far worse than what your brother has, too...

If you're concerned about your safey, your mother's safety, and his well-being, I would try to contact a school counselor at his high school or perhaps a domestic violence place. They would probably have the best ideas.

 

[amoona]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark You certainly have legitimate reason to call the cops, but before you do that, have you tried and exhausted all other avenues? Depending on what he's charged with, it could follow him through life. I'm not saying don't be afraid to act, but- I've been in situations where I've feared my brother was going to harm someone, too, and had to figure out how realistic it was. Since he is a minor and if you have your mother's support, you could try sending him to one of those schools where they try to get kids to straighten up and act properly... I'm not sure of the names of them, but they basically have thug kids live in the woods and try to discipline them. The schools are rough, and the kids have done far worse than what your brother has, too... If you're concerned about your safey, your mother's safety, and his well-being, I would try to contact a school counselor at his high school or perhaps a domestic violence place. They would probably have the best ideas.

We've looked into the "brat camp" things but they're not cheap. The one thing I'm worried about with calling the cops is getting my mom in any type of trouble. Ya know because he's a minor, if he gets caught with pot does she get in trouble?

I asked a cop about this stuff once a few months ago, not really getting into the story and just asking. He told me I should just move out, I just hope that I actually have some ground to do something. I don't really care if it follows him, he was given the choice and this is how he decided he wants to live his life ya know. I know I'm harsh about this stuff, but I have no sympathy for people when they don't respond to people trying to help them and that's how my brother is.

 

[kaliraksha]

He's so so young and people do change, so I agree with Beauty Marked that you should be very aware of what can follow him through life. It can affect college decisions and future job offers etc.

I know there are police help lines in most states that are anonymous and you can call and just ask for advice on what would happen to your mom. The important thing is to not give up on him, I think. If you and your mom gives up on him- he has no one else. His friends probably don't truly care about him.

I say this because I have a friend whose little brother was just like yours... hanging out with the wrong people, getting drunk, getting high, irresponsible, ruining ever chance given to him, disrespectful, was thrown out of the house and back again. It was a mess. She even told me she hated him. The thing is he was filling a void in his life that no one will ever know what it was. He got drunk and high one night and went on a drive and died... everyone thought it was an accident but he left his sister a suicide note.

Most people that act out this way are doing it for some deeper reason. Yes, it may be that he doesn't care- but there has to be a reason for why he stopped caring or why he doesn't care about his future. He's just out of control right now and his life is not going too well right now... but you guys need to do everything in your power to get him help. In my opinion, at least. Send him to a relative, send him to Palestine, get him away from his crowd where he has to interact again, get him into counseling, take away his resources (car, money, clothes, cell phone), make him get a job to learn some responsibility, etc.

This must be so hard for you and I'm sorry you have to even be involved and I can understand needing to move out but talk to your mom and tell her he frightens you and you don't want to have to move out and that you should start looking for solutions. Talk to a counselor at your school about it... they will find you the right resources.

Throw him off a little, don't fight back... don't let yourself get hurt but maybe show him you care about him? If you do what you've always done... you will get what you've always had.

For reference- 800-527-5344 & http://www.aca-usa.org/

 

[giz2000]

While you've gotten some decent advice from the other posters, I am going to give you another point of view. As as therapist/social worker, I used to work with kids like this....here are the straight facts (and why I no longer work with them):

- I highly doubt he has college plans for the immediate future. Kids like your brother are only interested in getting high and getting by in life doing as little as they can. See the old guys on the street corners, hanging out, up to no good, and watching life go by? They were just like your brother once.

- If your brother goes postal again, and you call the police, 1 of 2 things will happen:

1) Your brother will get hauled down to the jack (or juvi) and kept there for a few hours until your mom comes to get him, where he'll basically be told to stop what he's doing. This will most likely piss him off even more than he was to begin with.

2) The police will show up, tell your mother to make him listen, and leave.

So..that being said, you and your mom need to have a serious talk about what gets done about your brother. It's a little late to have the "you have to respect me and your sister" discussion with him, because honestly, that should have been done many years ago.

The best thing that could happen to your brother (and you and your mom) is to get your brother away from his friends, his environment, etc. If that means sending him to Palestine (and not even waiting for the summer...now would be a good time), then so be it. Tough love works (most of the time), and your brother needs a lot of it. He doesn't need to be given up on (so he can end up like the losers on the street corners, a junkie, in jail, or worse).

I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts...it's not easy dealing with this kind of thing, but try to keep a cool head and be there for your mom. Let us know how it goes...

 

[Teal]

have u threatened to call the cops? and does he know that?

 

[Beauty Mark]

Will he be safe in Palestine and have people to make sure he stays in check? I don't know much about crime statistics and what not over there. I'm concern about him, but if something bad were to happen to him, I'm also concerned about how it would affect you and your mother.

Is he acting out in school as well? I don't know what your public school system is like, but mine had a bunch of avenues to take to straight kids up. I don't know how well they worked, though

 

[GalleyGirl]

The thing that concerns me about jail is that it is a place that usually makes bad people worse - his company will basically consist of other druggie criminal kids so I doubt there will be any positive interaction there for him, or any chance for rehabilitation or change.
One of my coworkers recently had an issue with her 16 year old son getting violent with her (she's a single mom) and calling her a effing bitch, and so on. She took him to intense counseling, and while I'm not sure how improved their situation is now, it is better. (However his problem had to do with anger issues and not drugs).
I agree with the others who said that Palestine or another change of scenery would be good. Like you said, war, poverty and political strife can make someone grow up fast.

 

[amoona]

giz2000 – thanks for your input. My mom wants to send have him sent to juvi for the weekend because he’s never been that type of situation and she wants to scare him. He acts like a thug and stuff but we live in a neighborhood were the cheapest house on the block is $800k and the cops have nothing better to do then sit at every stop sign in the city. The problem with getting him away from his friends is that they’re all his football buddies. He plays football and just barely manages to keep a 2.0 just so he can play. The major reason why my mom hasn’t sent him to Palestine is because he won’t be able to play football. She knows there’s no chance in hell he can get into college with football. She keeps just holding out until his senior year for him to get a scholarship (because he’s actually good at football) and hopefully send him off somewhere. She’s become a lot more hopeless then me, I still think he can change. I did … I mean I was far from what you’d consider a troubled teen but I was the typical 15-16 year old who hated my parents, now me and my mom are almost like best friends. Far from his situation, but I still have some type of hope.

Teal – I told him yesterday I was going to call the cops on him because it’s unsafe to have him in the house and he called me a bitch. His response was his typical smart-ass comment and he kept saying “See mom, what kind of sister would call the cops on her brother. You guys want to threat me I don’t need to stay here and I can go live with one of my boys.” He thinks he’s manipulative … something he’s really bad at … and keeps trying to tell my mom that she’s a bad parent. It’s just a bunch of b.s. because she’s far from it. We never lived some miserable horrible life for him to be acting out the way he is, it’s simply the people he decided to surround himself with. He’s a follower.

Beauty Mark – I’d be lying if I said it was 100% safe in Palestine. I mean it’s a country under occupation where the military targets are boys my brother’s age. But I promise you I have never met a guy from there who speaks to his parents the way my brother does. I’ve never met a guy who acts the way my brother does. It’s a much harder life and the culture is based on respect, respecting your parents, respecting your family, and respecting women. That’s another reason why she doesn’t want to send him, she knows he’s not strong enough to deal with life there and she’s scared he’ll get hurt … he’s the baby of the family. That’s the major difference between my brother and I, he’s a follower and his entire personality is a front. He’s “thug” and “tough guy” act is simply an act. I got more of the leader personality and I don’t do much bs-ing.

He does act out in school and I’m actually surprised he hasn’t gotten kicked out. He’s gotten suspended for disrespecting teachers. He got kicked out of summer school for straight up walking out of class during a test because he “had to go to the bathroom” and couldn’t wait. I know there are continuation schools that the public schools have (I went to private school and he demanded on going to public school) but I believe they’ll only send you there if you fail your classes or do something very serious. He manages to skim by with a 2.0 just so he can stay on the football team.

I really appreciate everyone’s input, and just everyone who read this to hear me vent. I’m going to have another talk with my mother when I get home from work today.

 

[Teal]

Ill tell you what to do from 2 view points..

as a mother (im talking about my mum) she would never throw my bro out if he was going through this. infact she would knock some sense into him from which i feel its not going to make much of a difference to ure brother seeing as he is very stubborn

my father on the other hand would throw him out. if he cant keep respect for his mother and yourself, and he swears what not at you then you should ask him to leave, maybe visit a counsellor,rehab etc?

dyu not have any menfolk to deal with this stuff?

Personally, id rather not throw him out or let him go to his 'boys place' ..he'd get even worse and ure mother wud feel some kind of regret. So id call the cops. you have to.

and when he comes bak to reality then hopefully he wud understand why you called the cops..etc.

i hope i was of help.

 

[amoona]

My dad is back home in Palestine right now but the thing is my brother doesn't act this way in front of ANYONE else. So even when my dad tried to talk to him my dad didn't get what was going on because he's never seen the way my brother acts. He thought my mom was just over reacting.

My uncle has tried to talk to him but it's the samething, nobody realizes how serious it is. They grew up differently and they think if they ask him "Do you smoke weed" he's going to be honest with them. They never disrespected their parents or anything so they don't really understand that it's possible for him to do this stuff. ITA that throwing him out would only make it worse but at this point I just want to get out so I don't have to deal with it. Realistically I can't move out though because that's a huge no-no for an unmarried girl to move out alone.

 

[uberlicious]

^look, I think your brother needs a good male role model around. Perhaps enrol him i the Big Brothers program, whether he likes it or not. Also, something like reporting his drugs to the cops might work, if you can find some. Best case scenario is that he has to go to rehab, which would hopefully straighten him out.

Does he get money from your mother? How does he pay for the dope? If it's your mum, get her to cut him off completely.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Get him drug tested and show the results to your family. You say he plays sports, right? Why hasn't a test come up yet, or does he know how to avoid it?

 

[amoona]

He doesn't work or anything, because he's too lazy to take the bus to the mall and get a job. But he gets money from my dad and my dad is an idiot when it comes to these things and he doesn't realize that just handing a child money isn't good. I never thought about the big brother thing, he probably wouldn't go for it but it would be worth a shot.

As for the drug testing thing, my mom was actually wondering about that a while back. We just have no idea how that would be done? How do you give someoen a drug test? Like do we have to take him somewhere and who do we take him to?

He's in high school and as far as I know they don't drug test you in high school for sports. At least not the schools around here. I knew a lot of loser stoners that played basketball. I wish they did though. BUT if anyone knows about the drug testing thing I'd love to get some info on it!

 

[Hawkeye]

I don't hate to say it and I will say it: Call the cops.
He's doing drugs
He's threatened you more than once

And to be perfectly blunt- it's not about respect-he's going to come home one day high off his ass and he is going to really really hurt you. It's a matter of safety at this point.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

then he gets up and puts his hands in front of him and tells my mom "step back dawg. u jus came at me hella fawl." (i'm not even sure what that means!)

"Step away. You approached me disrespectfully" is what he meant. "Hella foul". My BFF's ex-boyfriend used to say it all the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by giz2000 - If your brother goes postal again, and you call the police, 1 of 2 things will happen: 1) Your brother will get hauled down to the jack (or juvi) and kept there for a few hours until your mom comes to get him, where he'll basically be told to stop what he's doing. This will most likely piss him off even more than he was to begin with. 2) The police will show up, tell your mother to make him listen, and leave.

I agree, that would be a huge waste of time.

All I can say is that he needs something to motivate him to do better. A counselor, mentor, or some other type of role model can greatly impact him. Have a family meeting. Write out some type of punishment plan. That worked with my co-worker's son. They took away his spending allowance, car, and video games when he started to disrespect his family.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Uhh...not that I'm supporting it, but I don't think weed is what's causing his temper to flare. It would do the exact opposite. I've never smoked in my life but I know tons who do and I used to counsel kids/teens who smoked.

One major reason cops would get involved is if he actually has weed on him, not if he's high. Well, coming from where I used to live (Bay Area) which is where I see ya'll live.

 

[amoona]

I don't think weed is the problem for his anger, but I think it's a major problem. And I get what you're saying about how cops aren't going to do anything just because he's high. He knows I look through his room though so he doesnt leave anything there, the only thing I've found was empyt boxes of these cigars that my pothead cousin said people roll their weed in. But it's not against the law to have empty boxes of them so that doesn't do much. My mom and I are def. having a talk when I get home about this because we know something needs to be done.

Punishment doesn't work with him, he doesn't listen. He just straight out doesn't care. He laughs if my mom gets upset with him and tries to say something. He seriously laughs in her face and then say something that neither one of us can understand!

I guess it kind of is out of our hands at this point. All we can do is TRY to get him to listen to someone or get the cops to get involved. Don't police stations have mentor like programs? I thought I heard about that once, like a big brother program but with police officers as the big brothers. I have to do some kind of research and ask around, if anyone knows though plaese let me know.

 

[little teaser]

i think your right in thinking the weed isnt the problem for his anger, if anything it should mellow him out.. maybe befor you call the cops your mom could get him in some sort of counseling to get inside his head to figure where the anger is comeing from he may have real issues and need help, sending him to jail around thugs isnt gonna fix him long term if anything it might make him worse, i know your angry and frustrated at him but he is still a kid what if he straightens up and wants to get a good job or join the service then he will have those charges holding him back