Sigh....cutting

[Beauty Mark]

I've channeled my emotions into a bunch of different things. I've gone through cutting, panic attacks, losing my appetite, smoking... I still occasionally do the latter two, and I wish I didn't.

What help curbs those habits, at least for me, is trying to breathe and not get myself that upset. Talking to friends, exercising, realizing I'm mortal, that it's okay that I screw up and that I'm not perfect.

 

[redambition]

*hugs* hilly, just keep working at everything and take it one day at a time.

 

[fjc62701]

*Delete*

 

[ratmist]

Hilly, I am not a counsellor, but I would say the first thing you ought to do is try to forgive yourself and try to be positive about this. Pick yourself back up. When you go back to your next therapy meeting, tell your therapist what happened. Talk to your fiance. You need and deserve his support too. It's wonderful that you opened up about this on Specktra, but people closer to you in real life are more important. *hugs* My heart goes out to you. My husband was a cutter, and his scars are deep and many. I watch out for him, and he watches out for himself.

 

[frocher]

I have no advice, except to be good to yourself.

 

[juicygirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fjc62701 For me it all started when I got married at 21..I got very depressed for a year. Never got professional help though.Kinda kept inside me and only told my husband. I never cut myself but had thought about it, was too chicken to do it. So I took A whole lot of pills don't remember what kind, my husband got really upset at me. I think I'm depressed because I have not got pregnant. we have been toghether for 10 yrs and still nothing. I am scared to go get checked, for what I say, so they can tell me I can't have kids...Anyways I am still very depressed and think I will be for he rest of my life. Except I try not to hurt myself I just cry alot. because I keep it all inside, nd dont talk to noone about this..I am just to emberassed

i used to be embarrassed too but trust me no one is going to judge you. you dont have to tell anyone that you are seeing a doctor. just get help you will feel so much better and wonder why you didnt go before. i am not a doctor or anything but isnt it possible that you arent able to get pregnant because youre depressed and stressed? trust me go do it. you will wish you had done it ages ago. feel better =]

 

[Beauty Mark]

If you do not seek help, you will probably effectively combat your depression and it will maybe get worse.

You deserve better than what you're giving yourself. If you aren't willing to get help for yourself for the sake of getting help for yourself, do it for your future children; it's going to be so difficult being depressed and a new mother.

Anyone who judges you for going to a therapist or seeking help is an idiot and an asshole. You'd seek help if you had a cut on your hand that wouldn't heal, correct? Mental things are similar, IMO.

 

[babydoll_020]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hilly Hi everyone, So throughout my life, I have been a cutter. It happens and I crave it every few years. It is a really bad itch that sometimes really needs to be scratched. I am in therapy for a couple of personal things and this was one of them. Apparently, I threw all that shit out the window tonight when I went scissor happy on my arms. I made them look like just accidental scratches as a result of cleaning. What set me off...well fucking laundry soap. I have this whole new bottle of blue soap and it just busted open all over the place. My fiance comes pissing and moaning about it (similar thing happened not too long ago, but it wasn't a new bottle, but shit was all over the ironing board. I think i am swicthing soap brands hmm). He starts having a titty attack about it and says there's always something. WTF. If I was a person with a healthy, non-skewed way of thinking (grew up in a very dysfunctional home), I would just swear and clean up the shit. Well I swore, cleaned up the shit, saw a real accidental scratch on my leg and it triggered this. It's really ugly. Why the hell do I do this? Why do I like it? I fucking work on a crisis hotline, why the fuck don't I listen to my own advice on there?? Oy. Anyone else ever go through this shiz?

Im really sorry to hear that you have to go through this again... I mean to think that my one of my best friend use to do this to herself really pains me to hear anythign related...Ironically, I can still find the reasons why she did it, so rational.. She couldnt deal with the internal/mental things in her head...the thoughts consumed her so much that it prevented her from sleeping. They say "its all in the mind" and for her, it was, and so was the pain. From a cut, you could easily put some creme on it and let it heal, but I think the pain she had mentally was too much for her to bear and so hard to heal, let alone deal with, so she needed to divert the pain elsewhere. Somewhere where someone could actually notice, and help her, help herself basically. And she got help.. i was there with her throughout it.. and there were times she relapsed.. but it happened everytime she didnt deal what was on her mind directly.. letting it bottle up just drove her insane, so we regularly have "unleashing" sessions.. If she wants to cry, cry, go wild.. kinda like go free and have no restrictions on how she feels...

 

[athena123]

Omigod ladies, if you're self-destructive to this point please please get some help! I'm not trying to criticize or cause any additional self esteem issues, but I knew someone [acquaintance, not really a friend] years ago who would cut herself when she became extremely upset. She then moved up to attempted suicide and drug abuse. Now she's in jail and her kids have been taken away. I viewed it as self hatred but could be wrong about that.

Please please please get some help for this! There are many different degrees of normality but self destruction like this isn't within the boundaries of normality. There should never be any need to hurt yourself like this, please don't lose hope and I'll send positive thoughts your way!

 

[Obreathemykiss]

Hilly, I understand what you're going through. It is so difficult to move past that barrier that holds you prisioner. The urge to cut isn't always to relieve your emotions, sometimes it is just the feeling you desire.

I cut for many years when I was younger and I will never forget how torn my parents were over it. My arms, legs, rib sides, and ankles bear the pain I felt in the past. Sometimes I would just be pissed off and it was something I wanted to do. It became second nature to me. Other times it was almost like ecstacy because my feelings were finally free. I went through a very tough time because I couldn't even cry at this point, I was so messed up.

I am still a depressed person, I try not to be and I have made vast improvements on my overall mental health...I am also very anxious and now I would say that's my biggest issue. Over time I guess I just grew out of it mainly because other people around me didn't quite understand and distanced themselves from me. I learned a very hard lesson then, but after therapy and writing in my journal and mutilating magazine images, I moved past that. I haven't cut for 5 years now, it's amazing. Don't get me wrong, I still do have the urge, but when it comes, I grab a pen and jot my anger down instead of cut it in. I do still punch my legs though when I'm angry. I do it without even thinking about hurting myself...I just do it.

It's difficult when your boyfriend or anyone that you care about for that matter is ragging on you for something that really is beyond your control, yet you still feel guilt and resentment for it. I don't think the people closest to us will really, truely understand our feelings.

My advise to you to get over this is to start keeping a journal on a daily basis with what makes you happy, what makes you angry, etc. Like a few of the other said, it's about channeling your emotions. What you should do instead of taking it out on yourself is maybe go for a short run, stretch your body in a way that it is not quite painful, but almost there. Clean! Cleaning helps me, believe it or not. Organize your things. Write a poem about how freakin stupid that laundry container is.
Grab a magazine and take snips of everything you want to be, and find things wrong with them. Put staples in their bodies, etc. Draw over their faces, make collages with their eyes, noses, etc. Express your pain through images. Draw or paint something beautiful or ugly. I did this. I have a whole notebook full of dreadful and kinda disturbing images I made with magazine clippings. You wouldn't believe what it does to you.

And remember, though we might not be feeling exactly what you are feeling at that moment, don't ever neglect to talk to us about how you feel. You are a beautiful, talented, kind person. You deserve to be happy. You may never be completely cured of hurting yourself, but taking the steps to help yourself is the biggest battle you will ever fight.

 

[Divinity]

From what I understand, a person inflicts pain on themselves so as not to feel or deal with their emotional/mental pain. It feels better than dealing with the pain of the real issue.
I have been participating in the 'bad habits' thread and the subject of hair pulling (Trichotillomania) has come up a few times - myself being one of the gals affected. It isn't cutting, however, it's the same kind of gratification once the pain is inflicted. It's comforting to find other people here with similar conditions and know that I can talk to those affected and maybe try and find solutions. In thie 'bad habits' thread, in particular, this has come up and it's great to share ideas on what keeps us from hair pulling.

Hopefully there are others here that can relate with cutting, specifically, however, I find that I need an activity to vent the stress and need to inflict pain. Find something you love that's just for you and do it on a regular basis - maybe it's a knitting class, a dance troup, toastmasters, whatever, something that helps you get through those "itchings" doing something you love

Much love to you Hilly.

 

[lizardprincesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fjc62701 ...Anyways I am still very depressed and think I will be for he rest of my life. Except I try not to hurt myself I just cry alot. because I keep it all inside, nd dont talk to noone about this..I am just to emberassed

Oh, sweetHeart...you do *not* have to resign yourself to feeling this way for the rest of your Life. I so relate; I didn't think I would ever see age 30...& I've passed that milestone, & I've never loved my Life more.

~~~~Please please please talk to someone you trust. You can see here, many people understand. I imagine, for every person who posts, somebody may be lurking & reading, maybe crying because she relates so well to *your* feelings. Please get help. Ask for it, no matter what your religion or ...(I'm not religious, but very eclectically spiritual) ...Sometimes I simply ask for help to get through the Day...answers always come.I don't usually understand them at the time, but I have made it past 30, & I never want to leave my Life...I feel it's just getting started. The only constant seems to be change. You will *not* always feel this way. Please talk to somebody...meanwhile, writing, as you have, is a great way to eject some of the pain....sigh...I send you HeartVibes.... xxxCherylFaith

 

[lizardprincesa]

Obreathemykiss, you are such an angel

 

[Tashona Helena]

i used to...I would put alcohol in my cuts and make it burn and everything...I was holding so much inside....It finally came out to my mom when we went to the doctors when I was 16 and I got on anti-depressants.

I still ponder about doing it this day...but I haven't. There was one time I even went and got the knife but I just couldn't do it...I sobbed uncontrollably and just left the house and drove I just had to clear my mind. I consider myself very lucky that have people there for me and I finally can start thinking things over before I do anything to hurt myself again...It is definitely a journey. Don't give up...we all make it to the light at the end of the tunnel one day.

 

[lizardprincesa]

BIG BIG HUGS Hilly! You're a beautiful, sweet, intelligent, kind lady. Please take care of yourself. I'm so glad you posted. I so identify, altho I've always been so scared of knives & needles, I can't cut...so...Arm scratcher here...until they bleed! I've put big, long gashes from my hands to my elbows, mostly on the underside, for several years. I especially enjoyed doing it to show my anger in front of my ex, with whom I felt cocmpletely powerless (his emotional/verbal distance/abuse did wonders for my already low self-esteem....not.) I've done the head-banging act, as well...I don't do these things now, & haven't in over 2 years. I do get urges to do so, tho, but I resist. I have PMS for over 2 weeks, & the hormones work in dissonance with my stresses...From my late teens, until about 5 yrs. ago, my behaviors, in general, have pointed to self-destructive, while I have always, simultaneously, felt sheer Joy at being Alive....

What a weirdo I am, I know! But I'm finally beginning to accept myself, for who I am!! Your thread has helped me realize how far I've come...

But I am so sad to know you hurt yourself, Hilly.

Having my little boy has forced me to be more healthy, but I'm still not good to myself as I should be (don't eat right or enough, send myself negative messages, isolate too much...) but I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost 6
yrs (a Day at a Time, as I'll always be addicted to cigs & I have urges often)...

Hilly, I'm sleepy after a long Day with Leo, so I'm not writing well. please know I care, & please realize you are *so* not alone. The people who have posted here probably represent a HUGE amount of lurkers, as well as people who may not even be on Specktra. Please speak to someone you trust.
Please don't forget we care, & we understand. PM me any time!

Major hugs, Hilly. (((((((((((((((((((HILLY)))))))))))))))))))

I send you PeaceVibes & HeartVibes & you are in my weirdo, eclectic, yet very sincere prayers. xxxxxCherylFaith

 

[k.a.t]

I cut myself quite a lot about 2/3 years ago, i was extremely depressed, and in a way, it was a cry for help...i actually wanted to die, and everything just seemed so shit back then. Now i'm scared because i'm starting to get the same feelings again since like a month ago, although i haven't harmed myself in any way - although i've thought about it. At one point i actually had a knife to my throat thinking i could slit my neck - stupid, im too much of a coward lol. I hate feeling depressed, feeling like you're all alone and no-one really understands what you're going through, so you're not alone.
I cut myself partly because i hated myself (and still do), i think i'm ugly, and i wouldn't think anyone would want to spend the rest of their life with me :\ although i did get better at this at one point, but i'm starting to hate myself again; which makes me hate myself some more and you get the picture.
Depression is not nice. I hate myself for being so over-sensitive, so weak and so hard on myself. I believe i will not succeed in life and sometimes life just doesn't seem worth living...i question this alot, and it isn't healthy.
I'm only 16, yet i just feel so shit about life, and everything. I hate it. I aspire to be 'normal', but it just isn't possible for me. Anything can send me hurling down again and i'm constantly sad about something. It's 3.52 a.m here and i can't sleep

although i'm tired, i just can't. Little things sadden me and i just lose control of things. I hate it.

 

[xbrookecorex]

.

 

[lainz]

you're definitely not alone....i have done the cutting, but what i do most is pull my hair. it started when i was 12 and has not stopped. ive been on antidepressants since august, which has slowed the urges down.....but i totally understand when you wrote thats in an itch you have to scratch. my skin feels weird until i pull hair out...ugh...its weird to talk about.

anyway....it sounds like you're doing everything you can to better yourself, and just make sure to surround yourself with positivity and love. sorry i totally suck at giving words of wisdom in times like these :/

 

[lainz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by k.a.t I cut myself quite a lot about 2/3 years ago, i was extremely depressed, and in a way, it was a cry for help...i actually wanted to die, and everything just seemed so shit back then. Now i'm scared because i'm starting to get the same feelings again since like a month ago, although i haven't harmed myself in any way - although i've thought about it. At one point i actually had a knife to my throat thinking i could slit my neck - stupid, im too much of a coward lol. I hate feeling depressed, feeling like you're all alone and no-one really understands what you're going through, so you're not alone. I cut myself partly because i hated myself (and still do), i think i'm ugly, and i wouldn't think anyone would want to spend the rest of their life with me :\ although i did get better at this at one point, but i'm starting to hate myself again; which makes me hate myself some more and you get the picture. Depression is not nice. I hate myself for being so over-sensitive, so weak and so hard on myself. I believe i will not succeed in life and sometimes life just doesn't seem worth living...i question this alot, and it isn't healthy. I'm only 16, yet i just feel so shit about life, and everything. I hate it. I aspire to be 'normal', but it just isn't possible for me. Anything can send me hurling down again and i'm constantly sad about something. It's 3.52 a.m here and i can't sleep although i'm tired, i just can't. Little things sadden me and i just lose control of things. I hate it.

i can totally relate to this. this is what i was going through (minus the cutting, im a hair puller) until i went on antidepressants. but it still hasnt gotten rid of these feelings of low self worth.

 

[fjc62701]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardprincesa Oh, sweetHeart...you do *not* have to resign yourself to feeling this way for the rest of your Life. I so relate; I didn't think I would ever see age 30...& I've passed that milestone, & I've never loved my Life more. ~~~~Please please please talk to someone you trust. You can see here, many people understand. I imagine, for every person who posts, somebody may be lurking & reading, maybe crying because she relates so well to *your* feelings. Please get help. Ask for it, no matter what your religion or ...(I'm not religious, but very eclectically spiritual) ...Sometimes I simply ask for help to get through the Day...answers always come.I don't usually understand them at the time, but I have made it past 30, & I never want to leave my Life...I feel it's just getting started. The only constant seems to be change. You will *not* always feel this way. Please talk to somebody...meanwhile, writing, as you have, is a great way to eject some of the pain....sigh...I send you HeartVibes.... xxxCherylFaith

Omg, thank you so much you are so kind. I was so crying reading this at times I had to stop because I got all choked up. Thank you so much I needed that, what you told me made me feel so much better. Yea I do have alot of faith and pray every night, thank you, thank you...I just needed to hear some kind words from someone letting me know that it will be ok. I am gonna seek help.