SO AGGRAVATED (really long)

[CantAffordMAC]

I am so tired of the way things are going right now.

I am literally not making enough to survive. I have no bills, no expenses, and I don't buy anything that I need except for food. Between food (i do my own grocery shopping because I have to), lending my boyfriend money, and helping out with bills around the house, I don't have anything. I was saving at least half of a check every time I got paid, and I can't even do that anymore. Everyone is surprised because I don't have a cell phone, but I can't afford it. I was paying 85 a month for my phone, but I realize that I could be paying a lot less than that...so eventually me and my boyfriend couldn't afford our phones anymore, and we probably won't get them turned back on, we'll just go for another carrier (even though i think a cell phone is a waste..i have a house phone I could use and the money i would spend on a phone bill should be saved)

My boyfriend is in debt. $10-$12,000 in debt. He has school loans, department store cards, banks, IRS, family members/friends....that he owes money to. He cannot get a job now because he has a criminal background (it is not the way you would think...so you don't have to comment negatively on that) Every job nowadays does a background check, and he can't get hired. The temp agencies only have work that will be for like a day or so, and he is not making money. This would be enough of an issue if he wasn't in debt, but he is. He's 22 years old and he needs to be working. It feels as though I'm reaching my limit; I love him a lot, and I don't plan on going anywhere, but somethings gotta change. I'm 18, I am trying really hard to move out of this house and get my own apartment. We (me and him) planned on getting an apartment almost a year ago, and it hasn't happened yet. My boyfriend makes bad decisions with his money when he has it, because he feels as though a small amount (like 100 dollars) shouldn't go to bills, because its not enough to pay off 1 bill. Sometimes I feel like his financial advisor, and I just want to take every cent he makes and do everything for him, because it will get done that way.

I feel like I'm done. I don't know what to do anymore. I had a class on how to save and spend your money the right way last year, and it has stuck with me (i still look at the textbook occasionally). I have not bought clothes in a long time (even though fall is almost here, I can't afford clothes or shoes at this time). I don't have money to spend on entertainment (eating out, movies, etc.) and I feel as though I'm young and I should be having fun. Yet I'm dealing with these money problems that I shouldn't have, and my boyfriends problems are my problems cuz they affect us and our relationship. If he had any kind of job, we wouldn't be in such a horrible situation. He is always reassuring me that we will be fine and that we can't let ourselves get worked up about this, but it seems as though I'm the only fucking one worried about shit anymore. I have to give him credit because he has applied for at least 100 jobs in the past month or two (using craigslist or applying in person) but I don't understand whats going on??? Its killing me...he never gets a call back, and if he calls them, the position has been filled or they won't hire him because of his background. I am just lost...I don't know what to do anymore.

My job sucks...I just got a check in the mail for NINE HOURS. When I worked 38 hours. Wow...what happened to my other 29 hours?? I don't know, and I can't get it fixed until Wednesday because my boss is on a f*cking cruise--must be nice

I work in a small, kind of unknown salon, for a very cheap boss. She sometimes won't give me 2 or 3 hours that I worked..(say i worked 9:00am-5:45pm...she won't give me those 45 minutes) The clients still hardly ever tip me. I have been working here for 7 months...they just put a little jar with my name on it for tips, and it maybe worked for like 2 weeks, now nobody notices it. I shampooed 5 or 6 people today, and 2 people tipped me. I left with $8. I just went home and cried because I can't take it nemore. I applied at a salon closer to home, and I have a friend that works there and says she'll make $50 on a saturday.

I'm sorry this is so long but I had to get it out. You ladies are very smart and I'm hoping someone can offer some kind of advice. If not, just a prayer would be fine. I feel like God is the only one that can help me at this point anyways.

 

[NutMeg]

Wow sweetie, you sound so stressed out. And it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is helping your stress any. The way I understand it is that you give him money which he spends on whatever he wants, as opposed to paying off his debt? I think you need to sit down with him and explain how you're feeling right now. If he needs your money to survive, and you're ok with supporting him, then that's fine. If he's just using your money for whatever he wants, then that's not ok. You both need to talk about your financial goals and how you plan on achieving them. He needs to understand that he CAN NOT spend money on anything other than survival basics while he has outstanding debt. Even if he can't outright pay his bills, he needs to put whatever money he can towards them, and not take your money. If you don't want him spending your money on anything other than bills.... Then stop giving it to him. It sounds like you can barely support yourself, let alone him.

Basically, my point is this. Sit down and have a financial talk. Please, do it.

 

[Dark_Phoenix]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC My boyfriend makes bad decisions with his money when he has it, because he feels as though a small amount (like 100 dollars) shouldn't go to bills, because its not enough to pay off 1 bill. Sometimes I feel like his financial advisor, and I just want to take every cent he makes and do everything for him, because it will get done that way.

Maybe you need to do that. Pay for his bills directly and handle them instead of letting him since he seems irrepsonible.

 

[righteothen]

What I did with the cell phone thing was actually the opposite. I hardly talk on the phone (I email or snailmail), and with a pay as you go plan, I realized that for both my husband and my cellphone, it would be less than $20 a month. The T-mobile plan has a thing where after a certain amount paid onto the account, every amount after that point will roll over for a year (or longer, if you keep putting some every year). That $20 is a lot cheaper than my house phone (currently don't live in cellphone reception, so I have one, and it's $55 a month. That's only unlimited local, with toll long distance).

My husband has student loans that we are paying off, and he just doesn't understand the concept of a budget. I literally took his right to spend from him, because, if he had the option, he would eat out for every meal. Also, he's addicted to video games, so that doesn't help. I have more lee-way than it sounds like you have, but, in my situation, I allow one video game a month, and one cheap eating out a week. This seems to satisfy him, and the rest goes to loans, 401k, and mortgage.

I would try to talk to him. I know you probably already have, but you should try again. If you still can't reach a solution, you might take a lesson from how a lot of house wives in Japan do it: take all the money he earns and spend it how it needs to be spent, and give him an allowance that goes to whatever he wants, but also includes his food if he eats out. I know not all of them do that, but from those that I've heard do, it really works.

I hope this situation fixes itself. It's really hard to live with someone who doesn't understand money.

 

[Hilly]

Wow girl...that is a rough situation. I think proper financial responsibility is integral for a long term (and it sounds like yall want to be in it for the longish haul). You are 18 years old....you don't need to be tied to down such debts that are not yours. I understand you're in a relationship and want to be there for your man, but he is 22. He should understand what sacrifices you are making for HIM. You are young and should be going out with your friends (movies/eating/shopping/makeup/etc).

If you make it easy for him (even paying his bills for him with or without his own money) he is not learning a thing. You may need to employ tough love to this situation.

You sound like a REALLY smart woman with YOUR finances, but carrying around his baggage (when yall arent married) isn't. And I dont want to sound like a crotch when I say this, but watch those cheezy judge shows during the day. There are couples where one half pays the other persons debts/gives loans/etc and then when they break up (not saying this is you at all just an example) the loanee is fucked.

Hope you figure stuff out girly!

 

[nunu]

sweety, i agree with NutMeg you should have a talk with your boyfreind and tell him how you are feeling.
About your job, cant you apply for one with better pay?
hold on sweety i hope everything will be ok for you sweety.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

nutmeg-well when I give him money it goes to gas and food. Usually I just give him gas money, and I buy the food. I would never give him money to just do whatever he wants with. He takes a 30-45 minutes trip to my house from his to see me, and I think that deserves some gas. At my house, when someone goes grocery shopping for the house, there is still hardly anything I eat, so i took it upon myself to buy food for me and my boyfriend...because its cheaper than eating out. I haven't been grocery shopping in a month and we have resorted to eating oodles n noodles, or sandwiches or chips and salsa.

dark phoenix-girl I really wish I could. I know for a fact that things would start getting done that way. I will ask him again once he gets a job, but I have brought this up before. He hates me talking like that because it seems as though I'm in control, and he doesn't like that. He did mail some money off somewhere last week, which I was proud of, but he's not consistent. i will bring this up again, and I will hope that he can just give me a chance to work on this for him. I would be happy to take on the responsibility of mailing every single bill or payment for him

righteothen-since i'm living at home, there is already a house phone here. I don't pay the bill for that, so right now i can use the phone without paying nething. I see what you mean though. I hate being on the phone and I only call my boyfriend so thats a good idea. Things at my house are just so bad right now, the gas almost got turned off this week, our electricity was turned off last month, our cables getting cut off this week....everyone in this house is struggling and i'm tired of it.

Thank you guys for your advice and kind words. I am really praying for this new job at the salon closer to my home. I will also try to get another job at a convenient store...I worked there before but I quit because I was working 2 jobs and finishing up my senior year. I want to just work as many jobs as possible and literally save every penny but I have so many things I need right now.

 

[MACATTAK]

I agree with the others & think you should talk to him about this. If he doesn't care, maybe it's time to move on. This is so much to take on when they are not even your debts. You are sooo young & should be having the time of your life right now. I hope things get better for you

 

[NutMeg]

Well I'm glad to hear that he only uses the money you give him for gas and bills... But still, it's a terrible burden to be placed on you, especially when you're worried about your family. I can see why you're stressed out.

 

[Dizzy]

Everyone else has given their (very good!) advice on the relationship aspect, but as for the job...

My suggestion is to try to go for a corporate salon. You get a salary on top of tips, and I've never had my salon underpay me for any reason. We even get commission. It's not the best of jobs, but it's helped me get on my feet and they'll usually have flexible hours.

PM me if you want the name of the one I work at.

Anyways, best of luck to ya girlie. You seem like you've got your head on straight, and I'm sure that this is just a bumpy patch in the road that you'll get by.

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

*huggs. Wow that's a lot of stress you have on your shoulders. I agree that you should talk to him and if he doesn't listen than IMO you should let him make his own mistakes. If you do everything for him then he's not going to learn how to manage his own money in the future. Sure, the debt might be paid off because you helped him, but IF he ever falls back into debt again he won't know how to solve it, you'll have to do it for him.

I know it's really difficult to just watch someone you deeply care about fall down the big black hole, but sometimes that's what it takes.. Not the same thing, but my b/f used to drive like a crazy person and all of us (his friends and me) would tell him to slow down and be more careful or else he would get into a big accident. He'd always say that it would be okay since he's a good driver (which he is) but I would tell him that no matter how good he is if a bad driver hits you, you're still screwed no matter how great you are. He didn't listen so we all stopped lecturing and sure enough, he got into a major accident and totaled his beloved car (he wasn't hurt thankfully) and now he drives slower.

Not the same thing but still.. Hang in there and if it really feels like it's too much than take a break. But it seems like you really care about him a lot so I hope everything works out between the two of you.

Good luck

 

[Corvs Queen]

About your boyfriends background checks. He can apply for jobs for work experience and no pay and once he completes that and makes it clear then jobs that pay will take him serious and consider a full time paying position. I believe that the no pay lasts for anywhere from 3 to 6 months. Just depends on your state. He should really check into that.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACATTAK I agree with the others & think you should talk to him about this. If he doesn't care, maybe it's time to move on. This is so much to take on when they are not even your debts. You are sooo young & should be having the time of your life right now. I hope things get better for you

Mama, I have to agree with MACATTAK...You are taking on way too much. I can understand that you love your boyfriend, but with his inability to get a job, this situation is not going to change any time soon. You are young and shouldn't have to be struggling so much. I wish you only the best, sweetie, and you're a tough cookie too...you'll figure it out.

 

[Janice]

I've been thinking about your post ever since you shared your story with us. Today, while reading through my fashion blogs (of all places) I stumbled across this article from Gala Darling. She perfectly expresses what I have been wanting to share with you, but have been unable to find the right words. I hope you read it, and take it into careful consideration with your situation. I wish the best for you, and hope you find the strength inside yourself to make a healthy decision. You have so much ahead of you, and you are stronger than you think. Many would crumble if put into your shoes.

I struggled too when I was your age, shoot I still encounter road blocks, but I learned that if I could get through what I did back then, overcome it and use those hard lessons to make myself better... then nothing can stop me now. Some people just have it in them to survive, succeed, and to make the best of their life no matter what the obstacles are. I really feel that from you. Stay strong, take care, and don't give up.

 

[melliquor]

You need to have a talk with him and decide if this relationship is worth it. I have been in this kind of relationship before and loved my bf so much but he wasn't good for me. In the end, I knew no matter how much I loved him that I needed to break it off. It is a hard decision to make but think about what you want for your future. If he isn't willing to change for you, you need to ask yourself if he is worth it??? You are doing so much for him at the moment.

You sound like a somebody who is strong and capable of making the right decision. You don't need to be absorbed with somebody elses problems right now. You are young and should be enjoying your life.

I wish you all the best and really hope things work out for you. Remember that you deserve the best in life and don't settle for anything less.

 

[glam8babe]

sorry to hear hun! im sure everything will work out fine. You did the right thing with the cell phones they do cost loads no matter how little/much you use them. I wish you and your boyfriend the best

 

[Tash]

To be perfectly honest, you shouldn't have to pay your boyfriends bills. And depending on his criminal record, he should still be able to find a job. My friend had a felony theft charge on her record and still managed to find work.

 

[SparklingWaves]

Most jobs do a criminal background and a credit check on you. It's not just his criminal background that maybe holding him up from getting a job. People that do hiring look into everything about you - references, experience and are you telling the truth. Yes, they look at your age and education too. They also look at your track record with past employers - how long do you usually stay at company, why you left, how you left, and what companies have employed you. They want to know were you absent a lot and late for work too.

Companies want a person that will blend in with their current structure. They want to know are you willing to bend to fit in with them. They don't want attitudes like - "You are lucky I am working for you" , "I want to work X hours period", or "I will not wear your ugly *** uniform jerk". They want someone who is willing to go the extra mile with a good attitude. They don't want Mr. or Miss Independent, the Rebel, drama queen, or attention seekers. Dead end jobs are there to just build a track record and references. Oh, they don't like job hoppers either.

When you are young, you do have work hard to earn respect to go further up the ladder and work on your education on the side. You are building your future for the rest of your life. I mean that literally. My grades in high school have followed me everywhere.

I know someone with a criminal background and he did have to re-build his himself from the inside out. He his doing well now. First, he went back to school and then he started in low income jobs. He established his references and experience at them. There is absolutely no drinking on his time off now, because he is on call 24/7. Opps, almost forgot here. Most companies are doing drug screens now, because drug abuse is so prevalent.

It would great if he (your b/f) got a job with someone he knows and work there for at least two years straight. At the same time, he needs to work with a professional about getting his credit back in order. This takes serious work. He may need to take on a laborious job - washing boats, doing roofing, etc.

Anyway, this is his mess and he needs to manage it. You two are not married and there is no reason why you should be taking any of this on.

People can say all they want about marriage doesn't make it difference, but being married is a legal binding contract and makes people one in more than one sense of the word. I am taking about financial here.

In regard to your situation, you may need another job in another occupation and get additional education. At graduation, this is the time to look at furthering your education. You need to look at the idea - What can I do to be self supportive for the rest of my life?

I don't own a cell phone either. Unless you don't have a home phone, they are a luxury item. They really are.

Another thing that concerns me are your parents. Are they helping steer your future. They need to be involved and help you make the right decisions for your life. If they aren't, go to your counselor at school. That's what they are there for to help guide you toward a productive future.

There is a lot of help for you out there. You just have to know where to go to get it and the same applies for your b/f.

There is even more that I can say about hiring, but this post is too long. People don't even know what all a potential employer looks at when they are hiring. It's very complicated.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves Most jobs do a criminal background and a credit check on you. It's not just his criminal background that maybe holding him up from getting a job. People that do hiring look into everything about you - references, experience and are you telling the truth. Yes, they look at your age and education too. They also look at your track record with past employers - how long do you usually stay at company, why you left, how you left, and what companies have employed you. They want to know were you absent a lot and late for work too. Companies want a person that will blend in with their current structure. They want to know are you willing to bend to fit in with them. They don't want attitudes like - "You are lucky I am working for you" , "I want to work X hours period", or "I will not wear your ugly *** uniform jerk". They want someone who is willing to go the extra mile with a good attitude. They don't want Mr. or Miss Independent, the Rebel, drama queen, or attention seekers. Dead end jobs are there to just build a track record and references. Oh, they don't like job hoppers either. When you are young, you do have work hard to earn respect to go further up the ladder and work on your education on the side. You are building your future for the rest of your life. I mean that literally. My grades in high school have followed me everywhere. I know someone with a criminal background and he did have to re-build his himself from the inside out. He his doing well now. First, he went back to school and then he started in low income jobs. He established his references and experience at them. There is absolutely no drinking on his time off now, because he is on call 24/7. Opps, almost forgot here. Most companies are doing drug screens now, because drug abuse is so prevalent. It would great if he (your b/f) got a job with someone he knows and work there for at least two years straight. At the same time, he needs to work with a professional about getting his credit back in order. This takes serious work. He may need to take on a laborious job - washing boats, doing roofing, etc. Anyway, this is his mess and he needs to manage it. You two are not married and there is no reason why you should be taking any of this on. People can say all they want about marriage doesn't make it difference, but being married is a legal binding contract and makes people one in more than one sense of the word. I am taking about financial here. In regard to your situation, you may need another job in another occupation and get additional education. At graduation, this is the time to look at furthering your education. You need to look at the idea - What can I do to be self supportive for the rest of my life? I don't own a cell phone either. Unless you don't have a home phone, they are a luxury item. They really are. Another thing that concerns me are your parents. Are they helping steer your future. They need to be involved and help you make the right decisions for your life. If they aren't, go to your counselor at school. That's what they are there for to help guide you toward a productive future. There is a lot of help for you out there. You just have to know where to go to get it and the same applies for your b/f. There is even more that I can say about hiring, but this post is too long. People don't even know what all a potential employer looks at when they are hiring. It's very complicated.

see thats the thing. He will turn in his application/resume and he has references, he may not have worked at a job for a really long time, but there never seems to be anything wrong with his education, or references or past employers. A lot of the time, the person will ask him if he has a background, and as soon as he tells them, they either won't ever respond to him, or they will tell him the position has been filled (really, you just said you were in urgent need of employees?) Very few people will tell him that its because of his background. He always has a positive attitude, he presents himself well every time he applies for a job or speaks to someone about a job, and he really seems like a perfect hire (imo). He is willing to so hard work (roofing, construction, etc) but when someone is offering only 7 or 8 dollars an hour, he doesn't feel as though he should take that job. Which I can almost understand because he's had other jobs doing absolutely nothing where he got paid at least $11 or more.

In my situation, I don't feel the need to further my education at this point. I just graduated high school and I have my cosmetology license. I plan on working in a hair salon for years to come. If anything, I want to go back to school to get more training in makeup to be a makeup artist. I don't feel like college is right for me at this point in time. If I ever do go to college, it will be for business and I'm not sure if thats necessary right now. My mom doesn't really tell me what I should do, but I have told her all of this. She pretty much agrees that I don't have to go to college for the line of work I want to be in. I pretty much feel independant though, because I'm making my own choices, and I am pretty much responsible for myself.

anyways, I feel as though some of you have gotten the wrong idea, or maybe the way I told my story gave you the wrong idea. My boyfriend is not
sitting at home, not wanting to work. As a matter of fact, someone called him today to work (although i'm not sure how permanent this will be). He is depressed because of the way his life is going right now....I see him try hard to find work and he is always apologizing to me because sometimes he can see how frustrated or stressed I am, and he knows that I take on his burdens sometimes. He isn't lazy, and he does listen to me when I try to give him advice. I guess everything is just taking its toll on our relationship right now. We snap at eachother sometimes, and we get stressed a lot. But every relationship has its problems, and I am not going to let him go. We'll get through this in time.

 

[lipstickandhate]

Your boyfriend needs to get himself a job. His debts are not your responsibility. You are not married. Seriously, he needs to get a job or he needs to go. You have a lot on your plate without giving money to someone who's financially irresponsible.

It also seems like your boyfriend may not be telling you the whole truth about why people "aren't responding" to his resumes/applications. What exactly is his "background"? Is he a felon?

I see people day in and day out who work really hard "trying to find work" but somehow, they just can't seem to. They are, 98% of the time, being dishonest. Sorry, but in my experience, anyone who is willing to work hard and who isn't picky, can find work. Sure, it may be at 711 for the time being, but its possible and it brings in a paycheck. Even if he can't find a good paying job right now, he should be working at least part time somewhere until he does.