The girlfriend, the boyfriend, and the exgf.........

[strickers]

Hi, I'm new here, and I don't know where else to ask for (moderatly) unbiased opinions, so here goes...

Girls, if your bf is friends with an exgf of his, and she makes it very clear to him that she wants him still (invites him to spend the night even though she knows about you), do you think it's inappropriate for them to remain friends after that? Or would you expect your guy to ditch their friendship based on the fact that she obviously doesn't respect him (or you?)

He's trying to tell me they're still friends because he's "too nice" and "doesn't like to burn bridges".. and although I don't think he would actually cheat on me (we are together too much), I don't feel comfortable with him still talking to her when she's made it clear she wants him and doesn't care about our relationship. Am I out of line? Thanks.

 

[FiestyFemme]

I don't think you're out of line. It's quite obvious that she does not respect you or your relationship with your boyfriend. I also think she doesn't respect your boyfriend because he's made his choice who he wants to be with, yet she's still propositioning him.
You say he won't cheat on you, and while I hope he wouldn't, men are weak. If they remain friends, over time her continual bombardment may be too much for him to handle.
It'd just be much better to end that relationship period. And honestly, I don't understand why he still wants to be friends with her. Even if he is a nice guy, it's just all so disrespectful, IMO.
Hope you get things worked out.

 

[SkylarV217]

I believe there is a line between friendship and inappropriate. From what you have said she clearly doesn't respect you or your relationship. That being said you have no reason to be supportive of his friendship with her. It's good to support his friendships until they are potentially damaging to your relationship, which this one is. Talk to him and let him know how you feel and that if she were respectful of you and your relationship you would have no problem with him continuing his friendship with her, but with the way things are you simply can't be comfortable with it. It's all about respect.

 

[mtrimier]

yeah, no.

i don't think you are out of line. you're honest about how you feel about the situation and he is being suspect to me.

i have lots more male than female friends, and am friends with my ex. i stay out of his dating life and he stays out of mine. if he found the right girl for him, there is no way I would ever be as disrespectful as this girl is. they broke up for a reason, and yes it's admirable that they can be friends, but daaamn! sleepovers? fuckouttahere!

doesn't want to "burn bridges"? why are they "exes" then? some bridge had to get burned when they ended that phase of their relationship.

red flags go up on this for me.

hope you find a resolution.

 

[ClaireAvril]

your man should know that would make you umcomfortable - you shouldn't have to say it. Why is it so hard to find a man with common sense?!
And for the other girl.. don't we so want something when we know its someone else's.
You need to tell him.. he can have sleepovers with her or he can be with you.. that's it.

 

[TamiChoi]

IMO, the ex bitch doesn't respect you and your bf's relationship, on the other hand, your boyfriend doesn't respect your feelings either. I personally don't believe that they should remain friends only because they once had feelings for eachother... and who knows... but if you really trust your bf, that's your choice. Sleepovers with the ex girlfriend? without you? Wow, you already know... that doesn't sound good already. She still wants him? That's also a bad sign that she'll try to do something with him.

Oh, and I know if my bf was like that, I'd kick his ass to the curb. Whoever doesn't respect me or my feelings doesn't deserve me at all.

 

[M.A.C. head.]

LOL @ burning bridges.

As opposed to what? Dropping a bomb on it? That's what she's doing IMO Disrespecting me, my significant other, and our relationship would be an automatic friendship ender.

I think he's being a coward. Tell him to get some balls.

 

[yodagirl]

I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes at all (my DF and I are both friends with some of our former flames)...AS LONG as they respect your new relationship and understand that you are no longer interested in being anymore than just friends. You shouldn't have to expect him to ditch the friendship after she made those advances....He should do so out of his love and respect for YOU. Your most definately not out of line in your feelings. Best of luck with whatever happens!

 

[Dreama]

I have to agree with the advice already given. If she can't respect what you two have together, all ties need to be cut. I wouldn't have a problem with my guy being friends with his ex, but there's that line you don't cross.

 

[Beauty Mark]

The problem isn't that he's friends with the ex, it's that she obviously doesn't respect you. I can't blame you for being upset about this. I would feel very uncomfortable being with someone who chooses to hang around people who don't respect me. I don't care what kind of disrespect it is, either

 

[AimeeL]

I was friends with my husbands ex for a long time, until he and I began dating. Long story short, she tried REALLY hard to split us up, and he stopped speaking to her, but now (almost two years later) she started trying to get in touch with him again, chat him up on myspace, send him texts, the works. (I briefly tried to mend bridges with her because he missed hanging out with his other friends, who were not seeing her or us because of the fight so as not to choose sides, so we partied with her once and that's when I gave her his number.) My husband cut her from his life again, because it was hurting me. This NEVER works out, I guarantee it.

Either he respects you, or he doesn't. If he is entertaining the thought of her as his friend, and still talking to her despite how it makes you feel, then the respect aspect is moot. He needs to put you first, period, or it won't work out in the end.

 

[Blushbaby]

You're not asking too much of him at all.

Your man needs to be firm with her and tell her that if she can't accept that he's in a new r'ship that he can't stay in contact with her.

Exes can be friends without overstepping the mark and making new partners feel uncomfortable - but she's crossed that line.

If my boyf refused to distance himself from his ex knowing that she's still throwing herself at him we'd be having severe words!!!!

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by strickers Hi, I'm new here, and I don't know where else to ask for (moderatly) unbiased opinions, so here goes... Girls, if your bf is friends with an exgf of his, and she makes it very clear to him that she wants him still (invites him to spend the night even though she knows about you), do you think it's inappropriate for them to remain friends after that? Or would you expect your guy to ditch their friendship based on the fact that she obviously doesn't respect him (or you?) He's trying to tell me they're still friends because he's "too nice" and "doesn't like to burn bridges".. and although I don't think he would actually cheat on me (we are together too much), I don't feel comfortable with him still talking to her when she's made it clear she wants him and doesn't care about our relationship. Am I out of line? Thanks.

My boyfriend and I had this very same issue at the beginning of our relationship and it reared its head a few months ago.

My boyfriends exgf dumped him almost 3 years ago, and we got together several months after that. In the several months that he was single, she didn't call him, text him or want anything to do with him. As soon as she found out he was with someone (me) she wanted to be "friends." Like "if I can't have you, nobody can." Since she didn't live in our city and it was a new relationship I didn't feel like it was my place to tell him he couldn't talk to her or try to maintain a friendship. However, she started to cross the line: calling A LOT. Inappropriate texts ("When are you going to dump your gf so we can start over?") and she even came down to where we live, to the store I work at just to see what I looked like. Then sent him a text asking why he was with someone who looked like me. Just rude, uncalled for things.

I told him I was uncomfortable with him talking to her, not because I didn't trust him, but because I didn't trust her. I felt like that him leaving the door open for communication and friendship gave her the idea that anything goes and she could flirt and invite him to her house and whatnot even though he was clearly with me.

He told her he didn't think they should talk anymore, so for awhile we didnt hear from her. Then a few months ago, he saw her at a party (awkward) and rather than be a dickhead, he was semifriendly. Said hi, asked how things were, then tried to avoid her for the night. It didn't work, so he ended up leaving. But after that she started calling again. I saw more inappropriate texts, but only from her. She wasn't in his outbox or outgoing calls, so I knew it wasn't being reciprocated. In a calm conversation I explained to him that I was uncomfortable with her being in our business and calling. He said he didn't wanna blow her off because it's rude, and he's not a mean guy. So I put him in my shoes: what if an old flame of mine was calling me all the time, reminding me of the "good old days," suggesting that he wanted to try and start things up again, and I asked him how he'd feel about that. He got my drift, and called her and told her not to call or text or myspace him anymore; that he was happy in his new relationship and what they had was in the past. She was pissed, called him names and went along her way.

In point, you have to let him know that you're not okay with what's going on. And you also have to lean more on the side that it's what she's doing and not that he's doing anything wrong, but he's letting her behavior continue. It can't seem like you're telling him what to do, or that you're jealous, or that you suspect he's doing something wrong with her (unless you do; that's an entirely different convo). Also, try making him feel what you feel. Ask him how he'd feel if an exbf was doing what she's doing but to you? And if he still is talking to her or letting her say and do inappropriate things, then he can have her, because it clearly means he has no respect for you.

 

[FullWroth]

While I don't necessarily think he should automatically quit being friends with her (it depends on how strong the friendship is vs. how much of it is just him being polite), I do think he should seriously limit how much time he spends with her and what kind of time it is - like, only seeing her with other people there, only seeing her as little as he has to, that kind of thing.

If she decides to grow up and join the rest of the adults, then I could see it changing, but she's disrespecting you and him both and acting like a selfish child. And you know what we do with selfish children? We ignore them until they exhaust themselves and go to bed. (Or we smack them on the butt, but I think that might send the wrong message to her.

)

 

[flawdperfecti0n]

That's actually something that happened to me pretty recently, but he asked me if it was okay that they were trying to be friends beforehand. (This was before she started calling at 3 a.m. telling him she was sick and asking if he'd come see her, or inviting herself over. She definitely still wanted (wants?) him.

Personally, I didn't really care since I knew that he had no feelings for her whatsoever, but it did bother me that she was annoying/disrespecting him (and I guess, me as well). As far as I know, they don't speak anymore because she was really pissing him off. I definitely don't think you're out of line, and he should be respectful of your relationship with him, especially since the ex is being this unreasonable. Does he still hang out with her? I think being polite is okay, but if he's still spending a lot of time with her, that's really disrespectful to you.

Talk to him about it and tell him how you feel? I wish you the best!

 

[kittykit]

You're definitely not out of line, hun. I'll be upset too. My ex and I are still friends, so are my bf and his ex. I don't mind if is his ex calls him out for a cuppa and he doesn't mind I'm still keeping contact with mine.

That girl shows no respect to you! Tell him how you feel. They can still remain friends but sleeping over? She has definitely crossed the line. Personally, I think it's not OK at all since she still has feelings for him.. who knows what she'll try to do? And yes, some men are weak.

 

[User49]

I've been in this situation. And I hate to say this buy I gave my bf and ultimatum, me or her. (he chose me) I don't think this is necissarily the best way to go about things. You should be able to trust your boyfriend and he should respect you enough that if it really bothers you that he sees her, he should stop. I just know how I feel about things and I knew if they kept being friends it would bother me. However it's not as simple as that. 6 months down the line she called him and said 'is it a good time to talk' aka am I not around, and I was and I went mental. I didn't know if they had been talking still or not and I got all worked up. To be honest I don't need the drama. I want my man to be mine only. So I say tell him how you feel and that it's going to cause problems for you if he does want to stay in her life. Personally, I wouldn't put up with it, but if you do decide to give someone an ultimatum, you have to be prepared if he doesn't choose you. Good luck with it all...

 

[eastsidesunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 I told him I was uncomfortable with him talking to her, not because I didn't trust him, but because I didn't trust her. I felt like that him leaving the door open for communication and friendship gave her the idea that anything goes and she could flirt and invite him to her house and whatnot even though he was clearly with me.

I know this all too well. My boyfriend got back in touch with a girl he used to have intense feelings for. It wasn't until they hung out that he even told me about it, which was shady on his part. He explained to her that he was in a long term relationship and happily on his way to getting married, and she said she wanted to meet me. But then every time we made plans, she would flake, preferring to invite just my boyfriend to her house (which she knew I couldn't go to, my boyfriend explained to her the first time they hung out I was violently allergic to her dog). But you can bet your ass she called him on her days off to ask him to come over. That combined with inappropriate messages and phone calls at 2 in the morning was a giant red flag. This went on for weeks, and while I was trying to be nice, I just couldn't shake that she obvious did not want to meet me and wanted to be alone with my man. The bf said I was being silly because the girl had a boyfriend of her own, but this means nothing when you've been told that the girl used to fool around behind her boyfriend's back all the time.

Point is, when your gut says something, trust it. Explain to your boyfriend how you feel, and if he doesn't get it the first time, explain again. If he still refuses to respect how you feel, then it's time for a serious talk. Once my man got the idea, he explained to this girl how uncomfortable I was with the situation, and if made to choose, he would take me over her any day because he wasn't willing to risk the relationship. He says it got glaringly obvious to him that something was wrong when she had went out of her way for months to avoid meeting me. According to him, she got the point and has left us alone.

 

[kimmy]

all i know is when i broke up with my boyfriend, i couldn't pour enough gasoline or light that match quick enough. if i was dating a dude and he said he was still chatting with an extremely flirtatious ex and he told me it was because he didn't want to burn any bridges...i'd tell him to pack his shit and cross it back to where he came from then.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eastsidesunset Point is, when your gut says something, trust it.

Yes! Very good advice.