Want of marriage making me depressed...

[dollbaby]

Hmm, I can definatly see where you are coming from. I just turned 24 this month & I will be dating my boyfriend for 7 years this upcomming July. I met him when I was 17 & he was 16 and we've been together ever since.

Honestly, when I hit my 4 year anniversary it was all I could think about for awhile. All my friends were settling down and having families and here I was in a stable, loving relationship still not engaged. I've been to many weddings, been in many weddings and became depressed over it because I just really wanted the title of Mrs. Let's add the fact that all my friends were in their early 20's, in shorter relationships and were getting married. I was in a 6 year relationship, older than them and nothing. I wasn't thinking straight because I would be bombarded with people asking the when-are-you-getting married-having-children-question and I never knew the answer. Well, each and every wedding I attended last year are all now divorced. I think getting married in todays society is a trend and everyone is rushing it just to have the title. Everyone I knew in highschool is either engaged or married and I've finally come to accept that when my time comes it's going to be the right time, for the right reasons. This passed Christmas, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring, something to hold the place of the 'real' thing until the time is right for us. We are both still in school & to be honest I'm not sure when we'll finish as we started so late, but it's something we need to work on because marriage will always be there.


This May my cousin is getting married & I'm in the wedding party. I'm so ecstatic because this is going to be the best moment of her life. All the wedding stuff has taught me that it will happen. You have to: take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

It's very natural to feel the way you are feeling especially since you've both been in a relationship for so long. If you know that he loves you than that's all you need. You don't need marriage to finalize that.

 

[Kuuipo]

I never wanted to get married. I guess it was my generation-my parents were poor immigrants. Dad didn't want my Mom to leave home, take classes, learn to drive etc. I announced I wanted to go to college. They told me they were not wasting money on a girl's education-she would only grow up to get married and have babies. Well, I didn;t graduate high school two years early and get first honors every semsester to be what amounted to a domestic slave, so I ran off and joined the Army on my 18th birthday. Poor women didn't have many options, and marriage sounded like the end of one's freedom. Sure, I have had really long term relationships, but unmarried I get to decide how to spend my money (usually on education and yes-makeup!!!) and how I live my schedule, no one criticizes my thighs, my (organic) cooking, my need to go to the beach late at night to view planets and stars, etc. What's more, I compare my partners to family members. They don't measure up. I had a father who never looked at other women, never drank, never gambled, worked hard every day of the week and then came straight home, and was honest and never beat my mom. He may have been old fashioned and old world....but my mom eventually said "I'm taking English classes, I am learning how to drive, I got my Realtor's license, etc"Of course by the time she did all this I was a grown up, and the world was changing......
If you are not sure that you can't live without this person, if you have any ambivilence, don't get married. Don't get married just for the white dress and the red toaster and coffee maker. One day you might wake up next to this person and resent that they breathe. Hopefully not (my parents have been married fifty years), but you gotta be sure you chose the right one. You totally have to trust that the person you marry isn't fucking around behind your back, isn't hiding skeletons in the closet, etc. If you have any doubts....

 

[MissLorsie]

I am in the same boat too

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years (im 23 hes 26) and yes we are both very settled in our relationship and could take that next step and get engaged but my boyf wont propose till hes financially secure.

He started university when he was 24 and is in his last year of university (fingers crossed) studying finance. I finished graduated last year in april and am trying to establish myself as a teacher and find a job (average waiting time to find a full time job for the subject i teach is about 3.5 years)

And yes, everyone around us is either getting engaged or planning their wedding. A lot of our friends have long term partners and have bought houses, moved in together and renovated the place..

A lot of our friends have been together less than we have and most probably will get engaged before us, sure i get jealous, but i suppose it'll be worth the wait in the end.

Most people my age laugh when i say that my boyf and i have been together for 5 years but we arent living together. I come from a traditional croatian home and under no circumstance would i be able to move out with my boyf, i think that makes me want to get engaged faster because it'd just be us two on our own.. buttttttttt thats still some time away.

I'd love to get engaged by the time im 25 so thats over 1.5 years away and be married before im 27 BUTTTTTTTTTTT who knows - it could happen tomorrow it could not happen for another 3-4 years. All we know is we want to spend the rest of our lives together so the wait is worth it.

At the moment our priority is financial stability, for my boyf to finish his degree and for us both to have full time jobs. At the moment im saving for a house deposit so when the time comes it'll help us out (i hope to have $15,000-17,000 saved by the end of the year *fingers crossed) i just saved 20,000 this year in 9 months to buy a new VW Polo GTI so it's possibly..

 

[Beauty Mark]

While I am not inclined to get married, why don't you talk to him about this? Don't be angry, just honestly ask him if he really is afraid of marriage.

I don't believe there is a rush. Does he show other signs of commitment? Have you been stuck in a rut or have you been slowly progressing towards marriage?

If he is being honest with you, I don't think it's a bad thing he's waiting for the "right" time. Did you see Sex and the City? One of the women (Charlotte) went batshit crazy trying to get engaged and thought her fiance to be wasn't committing fast enough when he just wanted to do things the right way. While I don't believe the show is the greatest example of things, I do know it's entirely possible men, such as your boyfriend, do put a lot of thought into things like this and want to give their SO the best engagement possible.

I also want to ask you (not the OP, but another poster) why it's so important that you ultimatum this; if you've discussed marriage and he's been dragging himself on it for years, maybe that's a good time to start reconsidering. However, if it's fairly fresh idea, give it some time. Marriage, despite how it's portrayed, is a HUGE commitment. Compatibility is important but some people take longer to make a decision than others. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[alien21xx]

Wow, so many people want to get married

I suppose I'm on the opposite side of things. I don't want to get married, as I also can't see myself settling down, having kids and all. It may also be because there is no divorce in a Filipino marriage, so I'm afraid that maybe if I made the wrong decision, I will end up regretting it for the rest of my life... or become a Desperate Housewife.

On the other hand, my boyfriend has broached the subject so many times, I'm starting to fear for my freedom LOL.

I think marriage is a very important thing to you, though, and I agree with SparklingWaves that maybe you should have a discussion on it so at least you are both on the same page. You needn't pressure him about it, just tell him that it is a very important thing to you and let him know why: not because you're envious of your friends who are married, but because you love him and feel that you are ready to settle down with him.

I hope you will have a fruitful discussion with your SO and really hope for the best to you both.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fashionette I don't get why marriage is so special. Mostly it just destroys relationships, I mean, is a ring on the finger and a dress more meaningful than the love itself?

Umm, marriage isn't a ring or a dress. And marriage doesn't destroy relationships. For some of us, it actually builds them!


OP, how old are you? And what are the life circumstances you and your DB are in? Jobs, school etc.

 

[FullWroth]

Everyone else has made some really good points, so I won't repeat what's already been covered in regards to the guy and stuff... but you should probably examine your feelings to try to figure out WHAT it is about marriage that you want, and whether or not you two can do something to meet your needs without having to run out and get married before he's ready.

Is it the living together part? You can do that without being married. The "what's mine is yours" part? Try opening a joint bank account and setting aside a certain amount of your money and his to put in there. Is it the big party? Have a big anniversary party like you'd have a wedding reception.

And so on and so on. And if you figure out what exactly it is about marriage that YOU want, you'll be better able to communicate to him why you want it. Or you may find that you only want marriage because it's marriage and you're wrapped up in the idea of it, and the realization will help you cool your heels a bit and re-evaluate things. I don't know, I'm not you, so I dunno which of these it'd end up being.

 

[lainz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fashionette I don't get why marriage is so special. Mostly it just destroys relationships, I mean, is a ring on the finger and a dress more meaningful than the love itself?

a dress is all part of the wedding. exchanging rings is a symbol that takes part in the wedding. a marriage is much more than that. and if someone is only thinking about what colors and flowers they want on what certain day, rather than the lives they and their love will have together, then they are NOT ready for a marriage.

there are definitely people that get wrapped up in the WEDDING part of a marriage, but a MARRIAGE does not destroy relationships. it cements the love that people have for one another by combining their lives together. of course no marriage is perfect, but its up to the people in it to make it work.

 

[Fairybelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FullWroth Everyone else has made some really good points, so I won't repeat what's already been covered in regards to the guy and stuff... but you should probably examine your feelings to try to figure out WHAT it is about marriage that you want, and whether or not you two can do something to meet your needs without having to run out and get married before he's ready. Is it the living together part? You can do that without being married. The "what's mine is yours" part? Try opening a joint bank account and setting aside a certain amount of your money and his to put in there. Is it the big party? Have a big anniversary party like you'd have a wedding reception. And so on and so on. And if you figure out what exactly it is about marriage that YOU want, you'll be better able to communicate to him why you want it. Or you may find that you only want marriage because it's marriage and you're wrapped up in the idea of it, and the realization will help you cool your heels a bit and re-evaluate things. I don't know, I'm not you, so I dunno which of these it'd end up being.

This is SOOO true. If every single person thought about this before they got married, they would avoid a ton of problems later on.

I would also suggest getting together with a married friend who can give you a no-frills perspective on marriage, and their personal ups and downs. Sometimes getting someone elses perspective can shed a whole different light on the life that you seek. In fact, talk to different people, ask them the hard questions. Marriage is a big decision, and just like any big decision it doesn't hurt to get opinions from folks who have 'lived it'.

 

[jenii]

What's marriage going to change about your relationship? Honestly, what do you think is going to be so different once you're married?

It sounds like yeah, you do wanna marry him, but from your post is also seems like part of it is just because your friends are all getting married, and people keep asking when you two are gonna do it.

My advice: Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and think about what it is you expect to happen once you're legally married to this guy.

 

[mandymoore]

yeah my situation is pretty bad too and i feel the same way...
my fiance and i dated for 2 1/2 years and got engaged a year ago and were supposed to get married last september but we moved to texas so we postponed it for a while. now we are back in oklahoma bc he quit his job and joined a band. i'm in college so i can't work bc of my busy school schedule so we can't get married bc we wouldn't be financially stable and now i'm 100% ready to settle down and get married and he won't do it! he says his band is the most important thing right now bc he feels this is god's calling for him in life and god comes first which i can deal with but it's not really fair to me bc it's not that i'm selfish but i have health problems which will eventually prevent me from working (heart problems) and so i can't help my situation there is no fixing it without a heart transplant and even then i couldn't do much so i pretty much have to rely on him to get a job and take care of us but...he won't. so i'm totally lost right now and have no idea what to do.

yep there's my sob story lol.

 

[Lndsy]

haha...I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, he is 26 and I am 25. We live together and have for about 3 years, and live far away from our families, so it has just been us for a long time. I kind of drift in and out of the marriage obsession, whenever one of my friends gets engaged I get this in my head that I need to be too. This happens a lot because I am at that age where EVERYONE I know is getting married. And I hate being asked when I am getting married...especially from someone who has just gotten engaged like the day before....its like they look at you with pity or something.

I know that we are going to be together and that he is the one I want to be with, and I know he feels the same way, and that I really don't need to be married as long as we are together. I dont know if we will ever get married and I will be fine with that as long as we are together...but sometimes I want the ring and I want the dress and I want the wedding....and this makes me feel silly. This usually lasts for about a week or two and then I am back to normal....until the next friend announces their engagement....*sigh*

 

[miszjenny]

i felt the same way. TOTALLY the same way. Me wanting of marriage because I saw a pretty wedding and i would ask my bf about it and he would tell me he will marry me when he's financially stable. It makes me sad for a week or two then forget about it. sometimes it makes me also realize that marriage is not just a pretty wedding... it's BEYOOOOND that. I would just wait for the right time.

 

[SkylarV217]

I'm In the same exact situation Only I have a child with this man.... We've been together for over 4 years. While we are both still in school and money wise (with school and insurance ) we are much better off not getting married at the moment. But it's very hard to watch people that you set up get married b/4 you . in the last 2 years over 15 couples we are close to and have been dating way shorter than us have gotten married. I Understand why we are not getting married right now, but I think He could at least propose.

 

[FullWroth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SkylarV217 I Understand why we are not getting married right now, but I think He could at least propose.

Well, if money is the reason you're not getting married yet, maybe money's the reason he hasn't proposed yet either. Maybe he wants to wait until he can buy you a nice ring?

 

[KAIA]

I know what you are talking about.

My ex ex bf and I were living together for 4 years, we talked about getting married and all that, honestly when you live with ur bf, it is like you are married, the only difference is a paper that officially states that.

Thing is, he even told me, to go to the jewelry store to pick the ring i wanted , since I´m very picky and i´m not that crazy for jewelry, ...
So I did, I told him about the ring, and the size and everything, time passed by, and he never got me the freakin´ring. Three months after, it was our anniversary, and he said he got a surprise for me, I was soooo excited, i thought he was going to propose.. Turns out, he bought me a laptop, now, I´m not complaining about the present itself, my point is, the ring i wanted and the laptop he got me, were EXACTLY THE SAME PRICE, so... OBVIOUSLY he didn´t bought it for me, not because of money problems, he just didn´t wanted... i realize all that in a second, and it hurts.

After that, I NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED with him again, and months later we split.
At the time we split, we were trying to be as honest as we could, and when i asked him about it, he admitted, he said he didn´t wanted to marry me.
I knew it, I´m not an idiot .

You have to ask him straight, if he wants to do it, or not, and why, ´cause there´s always a reason behind it.


You should def. talk to him