We "broke up" Loooong Story

[CantAffordMAC]

So for the past couple weeks my boyfriend has been acting different. I would call him, he wouldn't pick up the phone and he wouldn't call me back for like an hour. I'd text him and he wouldn't text me back for like 30 minutes. He'd come over and just walk in the house and I'd have to approach him and ask him for a kiss. We haven't even had any real conversations lately.

We have been together--well it'll be 2 years next month. He used to sing in a group with his brothers and when he met me thats what he was doing. Well it became a problem for me....they started going to NY to meet with some girl to choreograph their dances. His brothers went on BET to compete and he would've went with them. His brothers were never scheduling meetings with him, they would just tell him "Oh, we have a meeting tomorrow." I ended up getting upset because we would have already made plans and now they set up a meeting. It happened repeatedly. He was the only one with a girlfriend (me) and his brothers had no prior plans with anyone to get in the way of them singing. So I showed my anger at the whole situation and my boyfriend seemed to have a problem with it too. He left the group. That was a little over a year ago.

So now he has started going back to the studio with his brothers. And it does bug me. I have a problem with him being a singer because I don't think I can support him in that. Does he expect me to marry him and have his kids and take care of the house while he is out every night at the studio? What will happen if he does get a record deal and become famous? I'm out the door then. I feel as though he will become too busy and too involved and too famous for me. I feel as though how can I trust him if he's across the country and I'm at home? I have a big problem with that. He says that he stopped singing because of me and that he has felt trapped and he needs to follow his dreams.

Okay so its not like I haven't felt guilty for the past year. I feel like it is my fault that he doesn't sing anymore. Who the hell am I to tell him not to follow his dreams. If I was a good girlfriend, I'd be supporting him and I'd be enthusiastic about it. I feel as though all of his friends and family can sing and he has that in common with so many people. Him and his friends would just get together and sing some nights. Well how dumb do I look just sitting there being the only girl who doesn't know how to sing. I feel left out a lot. He told me once when I was just singing and playing around "Thats not your thing, stop singing". He doesn't take an interest in my hair or makeup. I just feel very left out when it comes to his music.

I am a selfish person. I want him to myself. For the past two years he has put me first. And I've put him first. So all of a sudden, when he'd rather be with his family (who treats him like shit 90% of the time, unless they need something)....I don't like it. I feel as though he is putting me second or third or 4th on his list of priorities. He can blame himself because all he showed me for the past two years was that I was first. I think thats why his friends and family don't like me too much--they feel as though he alienated himself from them because of me. I didn't say "Aaron, choose your family or me, right now!" I didn't even imply it. He wanted to spend most of his free time with me, and I was glad to do the same.

He is my first real boyfriend, I'm his first girlfriend. We have argued a lot in the past but we always find a way to make it through. His family is always telling him that he puts me first or that he spends too much time with me or that he does too much for me. I do not think thats true. His family has done so many fucked up things to him, and he still gives to them and does things for them and I don't understand why sometimes. He feels as though we have been up eachother's ass for the past 2 years. I can't disagree with that. We have been! We call eachother several times throughout the day. We text a lot. We used to see eachother a lot and when he was out of a job he'd be at my house constantly (which i actually didn't like, but hated hurting his feelings and telling him to stay home). Now that he lives further away we see eachother once maybe twice a week. He sees his family more than that. So why would you decide to go to the studio and leave my house early on the only day we share together?? That is not fair. His whole thing is "if something comes up than i gotta do it" Well thats wrong of him to leave me on our one full day together to go to the studio, and its disrespectful of his brothers to schedule it on our day.

I can agree with another thing he said: we need to be independant and our own person, and then be together as two separate, independant people with their own thoughts and lives. I haven't really been independant before....for the past two years we lean on eachother and feel as though we need eachother. I just don't know how to be independant. How do I stop needing him? We were supposed to get an apartment together in just a few weeks but now he thinks that it'll be a lot worse living together because he thinks he'll have to check in with me. I don't make enough money to get my own apartment. I have to move out. I don't have a choice. now I don't know what we'll do. He says this is just a break and that he just needs some time alone and to think. I knew this was coming, i saw it from a mile away. I cried, he cried. I can't imagine life with anyone else. I only hope that he chooses to be with me again.

I just think I'll have a really hard time changing my ways. If I can't deal with him singing, we cannot be together. I don't know how to be my own person, without him. This is our first real break. We've always tried breaks, but we couldn't follow through on them.

I'm sorry this is so long and jumbled up. I was trying to make a long story short, but that seems to be impossible for me. Thoughts, support, advice, tips, anything is welcome. I already know I'm at fault here.

 

[frocher]

I'm sorry Hon, no advice, I just hope it all turns out for the best.

 

[NutMeg]

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice, I'm sick right now so I'm not at my most eloquent. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you, and that you don't need to apologize for a long post. If you need to get it out, we're here to listen. Hopefully I'll come up with something more comforting soon. *hug*

 

[pumpkincat210]

You are right that you can't be together if you can't support his singing. If you are going to be with someone you absolutely have to be comfortable with what they choose to do with their life. Since he is your first boyfriend i would definately take a break though. You do have independence you just have to rediscover it. and there are so many people out there to choose from, dating can be loads of fun! I know it seems like the end of the world now, but why be with someone that has chosen a different life path that you don't agree with? Neither one of you will be happy then. Take it slowly and see where life takes you.

 

[luckyme]

My only thought is from a mother's perspective., I want my son to consider his family first also until he makes a marriage commitment to a women. I always tell him that girls will come and go but we will always be there for him no matter the circumstance.

I am sorry about your relationship but the distance will either make you closer or will be the end but only time will tell. It is hard to sometimes to realize that you will not always be first or priority but once you have kids, you will never be priority again.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

He told me he was thinking of proposing to me next month on our anniversary. He asked me a few months ago if I wanted to just go a courthouse and get married that way. He doesn't just say thngs to say them. he has told his best friend that he will end up marrying me someday.

I don't know.

 

[MACATTAK]

Sorry to hear about this. I think things have a way of working themselves out & if it should happen, it will. Most people don't marry their first boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not saying it can't or won't happen, just saying that there are a lot people out there, and more than one could be a good match for you. I would give him his space, give yourself space, and see what happens.

 

[nunu]

Hi hon, i am so sorry this is happening to you. I advice you to be strong. Break ups are not easy to go through. I hope things get better and they will, you just need time for everything to get better. You say this isn't your first break, who knows maybe things will go back to how it was.

Hugs

 

[matsubie]

I'm sorry that things are hard for you right now.
I think you know what is wrong already and I think it's really up to you as what you really want and what you may need to do.
I hope everything goes well. Hang in there.

 

[gigglegirl]

I think that since this break is happening, try and get out and be independent. Do you have any friends you could go out for coffee with? Go to the gym or yoga and meet some new people? I think you're going to need to be okay with who you are, and what issues (if any) you have.

Like even you said, if you can't deal with him singing, you guys couldn't be together-->is that a healthy relationship? I know its scary and some people definitely hurt the person they are in a relationship due to being unfaithful or whatnot but my idea of a relationship is someone I can trust, someone I want to be happy with and that he's able to pursue his passions. (both career and hobbies). I've personally known a man who obviously was unhappy and going through issues that took his own life--life is far too short to be stuck in something where each person cannot be truly "real".

Just think about the two years together--(you don't have to write this) but has he been faithful to you--has there even been a reason to doubt him?

It sounds like music/singing is such a passion for him, and that's something that shouldn't be denied. Its harmless. You don't have to both have all the same interests--you not singing--thats okay. I'm sure you have other things you like (like makeup but I'm sure more) that you enjoy doing that he doesn't like. But hopefully there is enough common interests that keep you guys entertained.

I hope you can find out what you like, and perhaps if you can get over your wariness re: his singing, perhaps in time you will be back together.

*hugs* best wishes to you, and like its been stated above---us Specktraites are here to listen!

 

[chocolategoddes]

I've never had to deal with something like that. You already know it'll only make you stronger. It's always sad to go through a break up but you'll get through it! And we're all here to support you!

 

[kimmy]

i wouldn't say that it's your fault.

there are some things in a relationship that some people find intolerable. for you, it's his singing and him putting that first. there isn't anything wrong with that. you want what you want out of a relationship, and if that's not what he wants out of it, you simply aren't meant to be...it isn't anyone's fault.

my ex boyfriend was in a band. he was my first boyfriend, and i supported him as much as possible with his music. for the longest time, i was at every one of his shows, i skipped school on a regular basis to be with him at band practices. i pulled strings at record labels (i had alot of friends in the business at the time) for him.

my senior year of high school, i asked him to keep one day free so we could go to the military ball. it was extremely important to me, and i was super excited to go. a week before, he called and said "we got a show on the seventeenth," which was the day of the ball. he scheduled a show the night of my senior prom as well. i found both of those things to be extremely inconsiderate, and after that i found it harder and harder to support him.

he said he wanted to get married, but how would he support a family when he still wasn't anywhere close to a record contract? he didn't want me to go to school or work because he wanted me with him all the time, at practices and shows. i wanted to do big things with my life, and he didn't want me to...he wanted me to put his music before my dreams...because he was putting his music before me.

there were alot of other causes for our breakup, but the music was a big cause. it isn't a very realistic career, and a man putting that before his girl is just a bummer.

i know maybe that doesn't help alot, but my main point is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, or guilty about. he can follow his dreams on his own...you deserve someone who will put you first if that's what you really want!

 

[SparklingWaves]

I don't feel you are the entire reason for the breakup. I am not saying this is reason, but I have heard the "I need space" comment before. My boyfriend was dating others and I have used it too. I felt a relationship was going nowhere. I am not saying this is the reason for the comment, but there is something coming in between you two. It could be the music, his family's influence or both.

Personally, I am not crazy about guys going into music bands that tour. There is a lot of temptation for them.

I knew a guy that was in a part-time band. He was in his 40s and had teen girls going nuts over him. He was married and had three little children. I was a teen at the time and saw him making out with 14 y/o girls. His wife didn't have a clue. The girls thought he was so fine and it was so cool to hang out with him practicing for his tours. I thought he was a scumbag and using those girls.

I am not saying all guys are like this. I just wouldn't like my husband out there being constantly tempted by women and teens.

On a note about his family, you can't keep someone from their family. (I know you aren't doing that). Even if their family does treat them poorly, it is still their family. When you marry, you do marry their family. It gets way more complicated.

This breakup may really be for the best.

Take care of yourself during this very difficult time.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gigglegirl Like even you said, if you can't deal with him singing, you guys couldn't be together-->is that a healthy relationship? I know its scary and some people definitely hurt the person they are in a relationship due to being unfaithful or whatnot but my idea of a relationship is someone I can trust, someone I want to be happy with and that he's able to pursue his passions. (both career and hobbies). I've personally known a man who obviously was unhappy and going through issues that took his own life--life is far too short to be stuck in something where each person cannot be truly "real". Just think about the two years together--(you don't have to write this) but has he been faithful to you--has there even been a reason to doubt him? It sounds like music/singing is such a passion for him, and that's something that shouldn't be denied. Its harmless. You don't have to both have all the same interests--you not singing--thats okay. I'm sure you have other things you like (like makeup but I'm sure more) that you enjoy doing that he doesn't like. But hopefully there is enough common interests that keep you guys entertained.

He has been faithful to me the entire two years. I was unfaithful to him and I kissed another guy in our first few months of dating. It was hard for him to get over that (I can imagine) but he gave me a second chance. i have been faithful ever since that happened.

We do have a lot in common. We argue a lot too and we gotta work on that--but we've gotten so much better. I feel like we just go together so well. I can't imagine my life with any other man. I really mean that. I see me having his children and being his wife and growing old with him, and that is truly what I want out of life. I feel like I can deal with him singing but this has happened before: he'sstopped singing and then I feel like I want him to sing so that he's happy but once he does that its like I don't want him to sing anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimmy he said he wanted to get married, but how would he support a family when he still wasn't anywhere close to a record contract? he didn't want me to go to school or work because he wanted me with him all the time, at practices and shows. i wanted to do big things with my life, and he didn't want me to...he wanted me to put his music before my dreams...because he was putting his music before me. there were alot of other causes for our breakup, but the music was a big cause. it isn't a very realistic career, and a man putting that before his girl is just a bummer. i know maybe that doesn't help alot, but my main point is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, or guilty about. he can follow his dreams on his own...you deserve someone who will put you first if that's what you really want!

Its like you know exactly what I mean. he hasn't planned anything on our big nights, he is usually good abut making sure that if we have something important to do, he is free that day. He's good about that. But like I said, we don't spend every day together. If we only have that one day a week, why would you leave me and go put ur music first? if we lived together it'd be different....he'd be coming right back to me. I could totally deal with that. yeah I don't want him out all the time and I want him home at night....but he would be living with me. My main problem was always his brothers being assholes--don't fucking schedule something without talking to my boyfriend first. If you guys are going to be a group then act like one and communicate.

I don't know how he plans on supporting me and our family. You don't just automatically get a record deal. Its not realistic at all....what are you going to do work somewhere and do music on the side, then if you get any good news about a record deal, quit your job.Then what happens if it doesn't work out? You are going to have to find another job. Not everyone can make it in that world. Its scary because I hear stories of hollywood and celebrities and its a scary scary place. I'm supposed to have your kids and then jsut wait from you to get home from tour? Its just not realistic. And I still feel like if he would just give me a chance I'll put up with anything. He can sing, leave me to go on tour....as long as he is in my life still. I know that sounds horrible and its not way to live, but I love him too much to let him go.

Its not like I don't want him to be happy. Thats the only thing I want. He doesn't necessarily have to put me before music, just don't put me last. Like if you have a freaking appointment or meeting somewhere thats fine, but take into consideration if we had plans. Or if I really need him at that time. Just don't disrespect me because of your music.


Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves Personally, I am not crazy about guys going into music bands that tour. There is a lot of temptation for them. I am not saying all guys are like this. I just wouldn't like my husband out there being constantly tempted by women and teens. On a note about his family, you can't keep someone from their family. (I know you aren't doing that). Even if their family does treat them poorly, it is still their family. When you marry, you do marry their family. It gets way more complicated. This breakup may really be for the best.

he isn't cheating. Thats the one thing I know. As jealous and immature as I can be, I know 100% in my heart that he would never and hasn't cheated on me. But if he was a musician that is when my fear would start. I, too would be worried about him being tempted. he says never. I really feel like the only girl in the world when I'm with him. But itcould turn out to be a different story.

I'm not keeping him from his family, but sometimes I'd like to. I know how bad that sounds but they irritate me. Like I said, they treat him like shit and he just keeps giving. I am just a really selfish person...i really do want him all to myself. That sounds so bad and I know I can't ever have all of him but I just always feel out of place, around his friends and family and his music. He never tries to do that, and he always tries to make me comfortable but sometimes theres nothing he can do: I'm just uncomfortable.




I feel like I'm analyzing everything. He cried a lot yesterday. he left for like 10 minutes to go to the drugstore, and on the way there he told me that he cried and called his best friend for advice. he cried before he left. I'm trying to think if maybe he was crying because he knew we'd never see eachother again?

He text me last night and said that this wasn't over, he just needed some time to himself. Then today he is saying that he needs time to think and think about whats best for the both of us. Im confused. I can't imagine if he were to come to me and say its over, or if he never calls me again. I have never been with someone in my life, and two years is kind ofa long time. I haven't called him really or text him, he has texted me and we small talked, but I don't plan on callling or texting him. lets see how much he fucking misses me then

 

[BonnieBabe<3]

i'm soooort of in the same boat.. you've tried break ups & sometimes its what that person (or both of you) actually want.. but the when you do realize that yer ACTUALLY breaking up, you both change yer mind! & its hard to be independent when all you know is you & him. who will you txt all the time? who will fall asleep on the phone with you every night? who will take you food to work when yer hungry? who will take you to school on days when you jus don't feel like driving?

2 years is a long time & breaking up is definatley hard when yer in love especially for the first time like myself. you just have to know that your young & beautiful. if he needs time, then give him time. Not all the time in the world but just enough time to realize he wants you in his life. if he doesn't realize yer the one for him then you have to let go. as much as it hurts he's doing you the favor & you deserve someone who will realize what an amazing person you are & that they NEED you in their life. if he does comes back to you (not right away cuz then its just another stupid un-serious break up) then there's your answer. he needs you and wants you in his life for good. but you have to stop the stupid on & off break ups because yer only hurting yourselves. Be serious about your relationship. it seems like you both have issues that stop you two from having a good relationship. but what you don't realize is there's so many guys who see you & envy your bf. you don't seem compatible with him & a few long months of sadness is worth the rest of your life with a great man (or woman i mean who knows lol) who appreciates you. i believe that everything happens for a reason & if you stay together then work on how you'll spend time together because he can't always cancel on you otherwise you'll grow apart. & if it doesn't work out, then there's someone else waiting for you jus like yer waiting for him who will do anything to make you happy & put YOU first. Someone who realizes that if he only gets ONE day a week to see you, MAKES SURE its the BEST day of the week, NOT THE WORST. i should take some of my own advice. lol hth! good luck & let us know how everything turns out

 

[landonsmother]

i'm sorry about what you're going through & i feel for you. i just hope that in time you both come to realize what's best for the relationship. i don't think that you should be pointing fingers at yourself because you're not wrong. in order for a relationship to work, both of you have to respect eachother's wishes. i wish you all the best hun

just take things one step at a time.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Before this whole breakup happened, I was thinking a lot about guys in my past. Not like I was thinking of cheating on him, but I just thought about them occasionally. I don't know what this means. I know I don't want anyone else. I would be happy with this man for the rest of my life.

But its weird though. I can't explain myself or why I have been thinking about people from my past, but I was.

 

[AppleDiva]

I am not sure why you thought you were the blame for the break-up.

As Mariah sang, "Love takes to time to heal, when you are hurting so much..."

You are a young person and (God willing), have a future life full of love and accomplishing goals. Look for the lesson you are supposed to learn about this relationship, about your life. (Sorry, if it sounds too Oprah)

I wish you more love, peace and joy in your life.

 

[Evey]

It's kind of weird reading your posts because a lot of the stuff you say in regards to your relationship sounds a lot like me when I was your age. (not that I'm that much older than you)...When I was with my ex boyfriend I had the same thoughts and feelings. I was extremely jealous, needy, selfish...and the list goes on. I too felt like there was no one else in the world I wanted to be with. I too felt like he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I too could never see myself with another guy...but honestly, all that stuff means nothing. Most guys/men will do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it whether you like it or not. I also thought that I knew 100% that he would never be unfaithful to me and I trusted him completely but, I was wrong. He cheated on me and when I found proof, he lied straight to my face over and over again. Although, this may not be what you want to hear or what makes you feel better, you can never really trust a someone 100%. Human nature is a bitch. Once a guy makes up his mind that he is unhappy or that he wants out of a relationship, even if it is for a "break", they just want out of a relationship. He really doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. If you already know that you could not be with him if he persued his dream of being a singer, then make it easy on yourself and just let the relationship go slowly. If you think that he is worth it and you want to make it work with him, then stay around. But one thing you can't do is be selfish and keep him from doing what makes him happy because you want him to do what makes you happy. If there was something you were passionate about and wanted to persue and he told you that in order to be with him you HAD to leave it behind, you would be hurt. Relationships don't work like that. Relationships don't work on ultimatums, they don't work on jealousy, they don't work on distrust...a healthy relationship is balanced in all aspects and you have to be able to communicate with your partner to make things work. I know it seems really bad right now and I know it hurts but believe me, if you don't end up with this guy, you'll find someone that makes you completely happy. Make no mistake about that.

 

[NutMeg]

Ok, I've finally got some coherent thoughts about the situation. It sounds to me that not only are there issues within the relationship to be worked out, but that each of you have individual things to work on. This break up could really be a blessing in disguise, try to look at it as a chance to figure out who you are and what you want, what your problems are and how to work on them.

Just to share why I have this perspective on things, I'll tell you a bit about my own relationship. My boyfriend and I started dating in March '05, when we were 15 and 16. Like you, we've always felt that we have a very deep connection, enough to potentially spend the rest of our lives together, but we were still very young and it's scary to feel that way. We both feel that we met too young. Because neither of us was mature enough to handle our emotions and our level of commitment, we broke up in late November '06, and after a winter apart with almost no communication (he moved to a different province for the winter) we started to talk and hang out in the spring of 2007 after he moved back. Being apart allowed both of us to gain a deeper understanding of who we were. After two years together, I know I felt like I didn't really remember who I was without him. Being completely without him that winter was hard and incredibly painful, but I gained a new confidence in myself and my ability to be alone. I can't necessarily speak for his experience, but he came back with the intention of winning me back and he seemed to have grown up more in that winter than he did the two years we were together. He's now a man (corny as that sounds) with dreams and goals, and the ambition to make his life the one he wants. I feel so much more secure and happy in our relationship and in his feelings for me. We still have our problems that need to be worked on, but the major ones that caused us to break up are gone. The feelings I have for him now are so much stronger than they used to be, and I am so awed by the person he is. I feel like before I was dating him for the man I knew he could be and now he is that person. Despite how painful it was for me to go through, that time apart was the best thing that could have happened, for our relationship and for both of us individually.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to be the best person you can be on your own before you can try to be that person in a relationship. That goes for both you and your boyfriend. It sounds like you both need time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I don't think either of you are ready for the kind of relationship that you were well on the way to getting yourself into. I don't say that with the intention of being mean or telling you that it isn't meant to be. On the contrary, if you truly love this man and want to be with him for the rest of your life, don't screw it up by ignoring the potentially serious problems that need to be resolved. Don't get back together with him until you feel like the two of you are ready, and can bring the best of yourselves to the relationship. The only other thing I have to add, and this may not even be related to this particular post, but I know from reading previous posts that you don't have a lot of close friends or emotional connections. That may not be any of my business, but I really don't think it's healthy for you or the relationship to be so dependent on one person. You are not half of a whole, you are the whole. So go out and discover who you are, what you like, what you want, the different kinds of people you do and don't get along with. That kind of diversity brings an incredible strength to both you as a person, and thus to your relationship. It's nice to know that I can argue with my boyfriend about something important and know that he won't collapse under my disapproval.

Sorry this was so long. I wish you the best of luck, and if you need anything or want to talk feel free to PM me.