We "broke up" Loooong Story

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to be the best person you can be on your own before you can try to be that person in a relationship. That goes for both you and your boyfriend. It sounds like you both need time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I don't think either of you are ready for the kind of relationship that you were well on the way to getting yourself into. I don't say that with the intention of being mean or telling you that it isn't meant to be. On the contrary, if you truly love this man and want to be with him for the rest of your life, don't screw it up by ignoring the potentially serious problems that need to be resolved. Don't get back together with him until you feel like the two of you are ready, and can bring the best of yourselves to the relationship. The only other thing I have to add, and this may not even be related to this particular post, but I know from reading previous posts that you don't have a lot of close friends or emotional connections. That may not be any of my business, but I really don't think it's healthy for you or the relationship to be so dependent on one person. You are not half of a whole, you are the whole. So go out and discover who you are, what you like, what you want, the different kinds of people you do and don't get along with. That kind of diversity brings an incredible strength to both you as a person, and thus to your relationship. It's nice to know that I can argue with my boyfriend about something important and know that he won't collapse under my disapproval.

That is exactly how I feel too. I do feel like we were one person. I do feel that I need to be Rebecca and be my own person before I can give my all into a relationship. I did seem to lose myself. Well actually, when we first met I was a mess. he changed me. But I never knew myself. Before we met I didn't know who I was or what my future held. When we met, he completely bettered me as aperson....but now its like I am dependant on him. I broke down when he told me he wanted to break up. I felt like I was dying...literaly. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life.

I want to use this time and be alone and find myself. I want to be my own person and love myself and not need him. These 2 years haven't been peachy, so I know our relationship wasn't the best. If by any chance he does come to me and wants to work things out, I will allow myself enough time to keep working on myself first. I don't want to jump back into a relationship if he says he is ready to be with me again.

But right now I am at the point where I am lost. Thats it. I know what I want to do with myself, but I have no idea on how to get there. I don't know how to stop being negative. I don't know how to be independant. I don't know what steps to take at this point to better myself...I just don't know. I do not have many friends, but then again I never really did, I just had a few more before than i do now. I do hang out with my one best friend more often now, but since we don't have cars, it is hard for me to do anything. Its like I need guidance, but he was the one who guided me. I know I have to lead myself now but I just can't imagine how I'm going to get there.

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC That is exactly how I feel too. I do feel like we were one person. I do feel that I need to be Rebecca and be my own person before I can give my all into a relationship. I did seem to lose myself. Well actually, when we first met I was a mess. he changed me. But I never knew myself. Before we met I didn't know who I was or what my future held. When we met, he completely bettered me as aperson....but now its like I am dependant on him. I broke down when he told me he wanted to break up. I felt like I was dying...literaly. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I want to use this time and be alone and find myself. I want to be my own person and love myself and not need him. These 2 years haven't been peachy, so I know our relationship wasn't the best. If by any chance he does come to me and wants to work things out, I will allow myself enough time to keep working on myself first. I don't want to jump back into a relationship if he says he is ready to be with me again. But right now I am at the point where I am lost. Thats it. I know what I want to do with myself, but I have no idea on how to get there. I don't know how to stop being negative. I don't know how to be independant. I don't know what steps to take at this point to better myself...I just don't know. I do not have many friends, but then again I never really did, I just had a few more before than i do now. I do hang out with my one best friend more often now, but since we don't have cars, it is hard for me to do anything. Its like I need guidance, but he was the one who guided me. I know I have to lead myself now but I just can't imagine how I'm going to get there.

Figuring out how to get where you want to be isn't going to happen overnight. It's not wrong that you feel lost, or that you need guidance. I'm glad that you recognize that you need more independence, even if you don't know how to get there. I suggest sitting down and writing a list of all of the things you want to achieve in the next six months, the next year, the next ten, etc. Whatever time chunks you feel like doing. Even if you can't figure out how the heck you're going to achieve them, or even if they're possible, just acknowledging what you want is a very powerful thing. What do you want in your career, in your living situation, in your love life, in your personal and emotional development? What are your interests, and what hobbies/organizations would you like to get involved in? How do you want to spend your down time? Take some time to think about it, even if your goals are completely unrealistic. Then let those lists stew for awhile. Go over them, think about what is possible and what isn't. Pick a few of the most important, and start brain storming about how to make them happen. Talk your mom, stepdad, friends, whoever you know who you think can give you ideas and insight. Inject some vitality and drive into your life.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to be honest with yourself about what you want, and how you feel. If you're feeling upset and think you know why, write it all out. You might be surprised about how many facets there are to the emotions you're feeling, and what is causing them. Be completely honest, even if you're ashamed of what you're feeling. Don't try to sugar coat it. I think that it makes a lot of sense that you feel like you were lost before you met your boyfriend, and that he bettered you. That's a positive thing, but he can only take that so far. Maybe he helped you to grow, or helped you out of a bad place in your life, but you need to take the next step on your own. Maybe that means that you can't ever be together, maybe it means that once you both figure things out that you will get married, or whatever your plans are. If its meant to be, it will be, and if its not then you'll find someone better. You will be ok, even if it feels like you're lost and don't know where to go from here. Give yourself time to heal and to find your way, it won't happen right away.

 

[duckduck]

Hey - as someone who is also experiencing a relationship crisis, I just want you to know you have my best wishes and support. I also want you to know that even though it might feel impossible right now, life can and will continue on without him, and maybe even be better some day. You started the process of improving yourself with him, and believe it or not, you can continue it without him. You probably attribute a lot of that improvement to him, but believe me all he could do was give you a kick start - you had to be the one to do the real leg-work. Anyways, my heart (or at least the pieces of it) go out to you - you can be as strong as you let yourself be in this situation, and you can learn as much as you let yourself. *Hugs*

 

[CantAffordMAC]

He called me today. We talked for a little while. He seemed angry the whole time. I told him exactly how I felt. I told him that he couldnt expect me to just jump when he says hes ready to be with me again. He asked me if I had talked to anyone on myspace or if I had been out. He didn't ask it because he has been talking to another girl, he asked me because he knows me too well.

I did talk to a guy on myspace. This is the guy that I cheated on my boyfriend with in the beginning of our relationship, and my boyfriend has a lot of hate for this guy. I didn't say anything in particular, i just said hey how are you? I don't know why I contacted him, but I feel really guilty about it.

I told him i was going to either accept and support his music, or I wouldn't waste his (or my) time by trying to make the relationship work. He didn't believe me. I told him that this was the reason why we split, is so that we can decide if we can learn to love and accept eachother for who we are or if we should move on.

He told me he felt that sometimes he didn't want to be in a relationship, because he feels as though I nag him all the time. I don't like him going out or being with his family or going to the studio, he feels that he can't do what he wants to do. I realize that thats another thing I need to work on. I gotta let him do what he wants. But then on the flipside, he has never gone out that much to begin with until now. I don't know where tod raw the line. I don't have a problem with him going out sometimes, but I don't want it to be 4 nights a week. I feel like any objection I make at this point is "me nagging him". I really just don't want to waste time in this relationship if its just going to fall through again.

I really appreciate all you guys's help.

 

[nunu]

i think that right now you need to decide whether you guys are going to be together or not because there is no point dwelling on it because it will cause more heartache for you and him. Sometime you just got to let go of what your heart wants and use your logic and mind. If you follow your heart you might end up here again and it will be like going in circles.

All the best Hugs

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC I told him i was going to either accept and support his music, or I wouldn't waste his (or my) time by trying to make the relationship work. He didn't believe me. I told him that this was the reason why we split, is so that we can decide if we can learn to love and accept eachother for who we are or if we should move on. He told me he felt that sometimes he didn't want to be in a relationship, because he feels as though I nag him all the time. I don't like him going out or being with his family or going to the studio, he feels that he can't do what he wants to do. I realize that thats another thing I need to work on. I gotta let him do what he wants. But then on the flipside, he has never gone out that much to begin with until now. I don't know where tod raw the line. I don't have a problem with him going out sometimes, but I don't want it to be 4 nights a week. I feel like any objection I make at this point is "me nagging him". I really just don't want to waste time in this relationship if its just going to fall through again. I really appreciate all you guys's help.

See, that's the way this negotiation needs to work. You tell him your needs in the relationship, like him not going out four nights a week. If he can't give you what you need, then it won't work. You don't nag him to do something that he isn't willing to do, because you don't want to be with someone who can't give you what you need. It's not his fault, it's not your fault, it just means that you aren't compatible. And it might not be that way forever, it just means that you aren't working right now.

By the way, I don't think you need to feel too bad about talking to this other guy. Technically you aren't with your boyfriend, and it's not like you slept with this other guy or even made out with him.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

so yesterday morning i called to say hi, we talked for like 10 seconds, i text him and told him that I thought that he didn't love me anymore. and I text him some more stuff. he ignored me for the most part (he sent back one short text) didn't call or text at all for the rest of the day.

he text me "good morning" today and I ignored him. at this point i'm mad. just shocked and very mad.