Work Raaaaant (read at own risk)

[Chikky]

Really, I don't know why I try anymore.

I've been at my job for 4 years now. I'm GOOD at my job. Most days it doesn't bother me. Some days it does.

No one knows I am there. Literally. Someone sat in the desk next to me for two hours before realizing I was there and working. A manager came in today and there were three of sitting there and she says 'Oh, A, you look so pretty today! And B! You do, too!' Then totally ignored me, didn't say hi and walked off.

At the end of the day someone left and there was me and another girl and they told her goodbye, stuck their head in another office to say goodbye to them, then ignored me and left.

I do all the work, really. I don't want to go into details, but I do alot of extra stuff no one else does. And almost every person who has started after me has been promoted BUT me. I was actually told that I didn't have 'the look' to be promoted, and that they 'like 'A'', so she got to be promoted'.

The worst part is when I get frustrated and complain to my man. I think I totally frustrate him. Then I get feeling even worse and I say things that even I know are stupid and sound like I have no self confidence. So we both get argumentative, I feel worse, apologize, and feel like an idiot for even caring about these people at work. I feel weak and inferior and like a CHILD for caring and for complaining to him. It makes me look weak in his eyes, in my eyes. It makes me seem... petty or something. Now he'll look at me as someone with no self confidence and who cares what others think. I even said 'so I'm only pretty enough to sit and answer phones'? to him. I'm so dumb.

So I apologized because I kept him up late, and he said that apologizing doesn't change any part of it. Only stopping my frustration would be the best apology.

I feel like such a child. Why can't I either A) shut my mouth, B)stop caring or C) get people to like me?

 

[enigmaticpheo]

That sounds like an honest to goodness crap situation you have there, and I empathize 100%.

That said, in terms of any feedback I can offer, there's several routes you can go. Since they out and out TOLD you that they just "like" A better, (jerks), ask your manager what you can do to make yourself more noticed. Ask what else you could be doing that you may not be. If the manager cannot come up with any answers, then it's definitely not anything you could do. Ask the question, but give the manager a day or so to think it over, just to be sure. If your manager cannot tell you a single thing you can do to move up, it's time to move on!

Option two would be to simply avoid any noise, and stay quietly at your job, but discreetly explore other opportunities in the area. When you find a job that suits you, put in your notice, simple as that. Just be careful about being discreet with interviews and the such, as actively job seeking can put you in a spot of trouble with an active employer.

I think bottom line is that you have to take action. Nothing will happen and you'll only feel worse if you don't DO anything. The reason why your guy is getting the brunt of all this is most likely that you're not putting that frustration anywhere else, so you put it on him. If you start taking action, be it looking for another job or talking to management, you'll start to feel like you're getting somewhere rather than being stuck at square one with nowhere to go.

Hope it goes alright, good luck!

 

[COBI]

I mean this in the nicest way and from the deepest point of caring, Chikky. After catching myself up a little bit by checking out some of your other posts, it does seem that you have a low sense of self-esteem/self-worth. This will come across in our work and personal lives. If we don't have and/or display a high value of ourselves, others will not either. I know it seems ridiculous that even if we work hard, others wouldn't note it.

But if we have too high of a dependency on others for validation, subconscious or not, it comes across to others and is often a turn-off to them even if they can't put their finger on why.

I know you said previously you don't have the money for therapy, but my suggestion is to find some way to work on and build your self-esteem and increase your self-value, and the other things will start to fall in place. And with high (or higher) self-esteem, even if things don't always go exactly as you'd like, the "slights" will seem less important to you.

Good luck.

 

[MAC_Whore]

It sounds like the environment in your office isn't very healthy or fair. Have you considered looking elsewhere? I know things are a bit thin out there, but it doesn't cost you a penny to look for and apply for a different job.

It sounds as if they don't appreciate your efforts and they place too much importance on image. Sure a professional image is important, but the "you look pretty" comment kind of leads me to believe that the professional image is not their focus.

 

[cindiaz]

I think that you should look for another job,one where they really appreciate your job not your looks.

 

[Willa]

I've been reading you for a while now, tho I don't always answer (but that's another story, I'm a lunatic).

The best advice I could give you right now : Work on your self confidence.
If you don't feel good about yourself, you can change things, and it will change your relationships (love, friendship, coworkers relations)...

 

[Chikky]

Well... I can agree that my self confidence kinda sucks. I can give a quick history why.

From elementary to graduation, I was made fun of. My class was cruel and tiny (less than 50 people). They ignored me if they weren't making fun of me. They lied, telling me something was going on one place, but really going to another. For my 13th birthday, I was having a party and was told if I didn't invite certain people, no one would come. I was asked to a dance once, and on my birthday, he told me it was a joke.

I never got invited anywhere again. I tried inviting boys to dances, and they lied to me and said they weren't going. They were there. On a class trip they forgot me because they counted and 'everyone' was there.

I never went on a date until I was out of high school. I was 27 before I was kissed. No one in college spoke to me. No one at work talks to me, and when they do, it's to comment on my age or looks and how little I've accomplished. (ie - 'I can't believe you're your age. You're not even like a real grown up! You're not married or have a real job or ANYthing!')

I mean, my family has always been really supportive, and other people have been sometimes complimentary (more than I'd ever thought) but growing up with your peers constantly putting you down really affected me, I guess. I do feel like I'm not the me I should be inside.

But anyhow. That's kinda the jist.

 

[Willa]

Dear, my whole life was based on my look
I was mocked, laughed off, and all because I was fat
People were mean to me, my father was also verbaly abusive...
I built a wall in front of me and did not let ANYONE enter, and when they did, I did the best I could to make them wanna leave.

Sometimes in your life, you realize that you should not let your past rule your present. Leave all this behind. If you don't like your life the way it is, make some change. It will not change tomorrow morning, but you'll see improvement again and again... We sometimes create patterns.

We only have one life to live.
If we don't like the way it is, it is up to only US to make the right change. Nobody will do it for you, ever. We live in this kind of world, gotta get use to it.

Let your coworkers ignore you, who cares, they are not your friends. Do your job, do what you have to, and when the time will be right, find another one.

 

[TISH1124]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chikky Well... I can agree that my self confidence kinda sucks. I can give a quick history why. From elementary to graduation, I was made fun of. My class was cruel and tiny (less than 50 people). They ignored me if they weren't making fun of me. They lied, telling me something was going on one place, but really going to another. For my 13th birthday, I was having a party and was told if I didn't invite certain people, no one would come. I was asked to a dance once, and on my birthday, he told me it was a joke. I never got invited anywhere again. I tried inviting boys to dances, and they lied to me and said they weren't going. They were there. On a class trip they forgot me because they counted and 'everyone' was there. I never went on a date until I was out of high school. I was 27 before I was kissed. No one in college spoke to me. No one at work talks to me, and when they do, it's to comment on my age or looks and how little I've accomplished. (ie - 'I can't believe you're your age. You're not even like a real grown up! You're not married or have a real job or ANYthing!') I mean, my family has always been really supportive, and other people have been sometimes complimentary (more than I'd ever thought) but growing up with your peers constantly putting you down really affected me, I guess. I do feel like I'm not the me I should be inside. But anyhow. That's kinda the jist.

I hope everything works out at the job and in life....Sometimes life can be tough...but you have to be tougher...Getting mentally and emotionally beat up all the time can take it's toll...But try to push through it without allowing it to affect how you feel about yourself.

Big Hugs sweetie...Don't let people define how you feel and think about your own life or yourself..

Make your weakness your source of strength and you will be fine.

 

[kaliraksha]

I couldn't agree more with Tish. Sometimes nice guys do finish last, and I find that especially true for a nice woman in the work place. When you're at work you have to toot your own horn. Make sure your boss knows exactly how you help and how you're going above and beyond. I know it sounds like bragging, but at your evaluations make sure you bring it up. Ask what else you can do.

Self esteem is such an ugly thing to face. I'm facing it now and trying to overcome. But, I figure if we don't face it, it's not going to go away and it's only going to intensify our emotions and situations. It's better to get help for it now than deal with the consequences and cyclical nature of it for the rest of our lives.

 

[florabundance]

I bet there are a million great things about you and just because a few jerks choose to ignore those things, doesn't mean you should too. That's why your man gets frustrated with you. He probably wishes you'd put greater emphasis on how amazing *he* thinks you are, and he clearly thinks that that should count for something in your eyes.

I've found that a lot of the time, when people wrong you or see you a certain way, you can totally recognise that said people are wrong for doing so, but part of you wants to prove them wrong anyway. And it's so easy to become consumed by trying to achieve that...when really it's unimportant.

Obviously in this economic climate it's hardly practical to switch jobs (unless you know otherwise), but honestly, that kind of outright discrimination (the not getting promoted thing) is punishable by law..and any workplace that would outrightly expose you to that level of abuse really doesn't deserve your service, to say the least.

So if you can't get a fresh start career-wise, then work on something else that will increase your confidence. It sounds dumb and cleched, but once you feel okay within yourself, others will take heed..and the one's that don't, you really won't notice/care about. Find a way to get closure on your past experiences. Write them down and then put them away somewhere lol (sounds dumb right?) but do something to seperate your adolescent self from the woman you've become. And FYI to you colleagues, a woman of 27 with a steady job and partner IS successful - so they can stfu.

I hope things get better in every respect

 

[Blueeyesangel18]

I find that I'm a bit like you bullied and excluded everywhere and I was shy and shut people out because of it. I'd rather stay inside than go out but it's not really the life I want. Even nowadays I avoid some of my friends cuz I don't know what to talk about. It's all down to confidence and first thing is you have to look out for number 1 you just have too hun don't let the past dictate your life find some friends who truly like you I'm not sure if you are shy or not but let some people into your life, ask about them because people love to talk about themselves seriously and they will rembember you also I agree about discreetly looking for a new job a fresh enviroment will help you to reinvent and make good first impressions. I hope everything works out for you and always rembember us ladies on specktra will be here to help and listen to you

 

[Blueeyesangel18]

ah i just read florabundance post after i sumbitted mine and she phrases what I was thinking better