You'd be mad too, right?

[northerngirl]

I really need your thoughs on this.

Me and my boyfriend live together... we've been living together for almost a year and been together a year and a few months. We love each other very much and we want a future together with children and all of that. For reference, he's 30 and I'm 26.
Last summer right after we moved together he got this seemingly amazing job offer which involved him traveling the world basically... Asia, Africa, South America, Australia... and a great salary as well as all of the opportunities it might open for him in the future.
Had he said yes, he would have spent something like 250 days of the year away. I would never have seen him...
He turned down the job offer. He said I was more important... as I told him clearly that had he said yes I would have walked away. Which I could so easily had done. Our relationship was still in the beginning phase. It's harder now...
So we lived more or less happily since then... he travels a little bit for work... he's gone 6 to 8 days a month... which I can handle absolutely.
Then this last week he went to his company's HQ... they had some meetings or whatever. After the meeting they all went out for dinner... and during this dinner his boss pulled him aside and asked him if he had thought any more about this opportunity.
And my boyfriend came home and put it back on the table. He's considering it... and I'm upset. And he doesn't understand why. He says it's an amazing opportunity for him and the money is good and bla bla bla. And I feel so selfish when I ask...
"But what about me??" Am I supposed to just sit here... in this big house, by myself... 250 days out of the year? And watch our two dogs while he travels the world, meets new people and gets to explore things that I always dreamed we'd do together?
Am I to just get up in the morning and go to work and come home to an empty house and go to bed just as alone as I woke up... as if I was single?
He doesn't see my point... I can't get him to understand.
To make things worse... my ex husband traveled for work and was gone a lot... and he had a different woman in every city he visited. And my bf knows that... but he says I just need to trust him bla bla bla. But I know I would be sick with paranoia if he was gone so much... I mean, my mind is working overtime right now... just imagining him at the hotel bars at night after work. I trust him... but I don't understand why he needs to put me in this position. I know I would be miserable.
At the same time, I don't want him to be miserable because I kept him from doing something he really wanted...
I just don't think seeing each other 100 days a year is much of a relationship...

What would you do in my situation?

 

[Shimmer]

IMO, it's pretty selfish to stop his career because of my insecurities, so...I wouldn't want to stop him from achieving things that are very obviously important to him.

 

[northerngirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer IMO, it's pretty selfish to stop his career because of my insecurities, so...I wouldn't want to stop him from achieving things that are very obviously important to him.

So you'd be ok seeing the man you're supposed to be living with only 100 days of the year?
I'm not stopping his career... he has a great job and makes good money. it's not a different job... it's what he does now, he would just be doing it all over the world.

 

[n_c]

Maybe you can start looking into options...like meeting up with him where ever he is (sometimes) something like that dunno

Good Luck!

Just think about how much more special it would be every time you DID get to see him

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by northerngirl So you'd be ok seeing the man you're supposed to be living with only 100 days of the year? I'm not stopping his career... he has a great job and makes good money. it's not a different job... it's what he does now, he would just be doing it all over the world.

Absolutely.
Then again, I'm not exactly the typical female. Having been in/married to the military affects that, and I'm not really all that insecure.

 

[northerngirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Absolutely. Then again, I'm not exactly the typical female. Having been in/married to the military affects that, and I'm not really all that insecure.

There's a difference between being insecure and knowing what you're ok/not ok with... and I know I wouldn't be ok with that.
And see that's also the thing... I could never be in a military relationship. I've done that long distance thing... I did that for two years and never again. It's not fulfilling and frankly, I don't think it's that healthy.

 

[Shimmer]

Then it sounds like you have a decision to make.
If he wants to take the job, and it sounds like he does, you'll either have to live with it or not. If you can't live with it, you'll have to move on. If you can...then perhaps it'll actually do the relationship some good.

 

[lyttleravyn]

I agree with n_c, try looking into options of meeting up with him in certain places. Personally, I'd be ok with my bf traveling that much for work, because if I was offered the same opportunity I would want to take it as well. But I'm also pretty self-sufficient and can occupy myself with other things while my significant other is away. I dated a guy for a few years in college while he was in NJ and I was in SC and it worked out during that time (we broke up after I moved back haha). I think it would have been harder for the two of you if he had taken the job when you were first dating, but now that your relationship is more settled he probably trusts your relationship enough to handle a job like that.

Although, I'm not sure why you asked everyone what they would do, it seems you've already made up your mind. Good luck to you and your bf

 

[COBI]

I don't know if "mad" is the word I would use. I would probably been torn because I would want him to be able to seize the opportunity but I may also experience a "what about me?" time.

However, it is very important to realize that if you do keep him from taking advantage of the opportunity, it is very possible that it will destroy your relationship just the same. If it is something that he really wants to do and he views you as the reason that he couldn't/didn't, that resentment will likely fester and ruin the relationship.

Although, you both love each other, you have only been together for a little over a year, and that is really not that long in the scheme of things for him to pass up such an opportunity. If it was, you would be telling him that whatever happened and was decided, you would both work to make it work out for the relationship.

He is being no more selfish than you are about the situation.

I am not trying to be mean or insult you, but it is often hard for us to remove ourselves from the situation.

I am not saying that you have to love the situation, but to keep in mind that if you get your way (him staying), you may very well be sabotaging the relationship just the same.

One of my friend's husbands traveled a lot when he started with his current company. For years, he would travel 2-3 weeks per month. Any trip that was 2 weeks or more, the company would pay for her airfare to join him wherever he was. Of course, she worked in the beginning and that didn't always work out, but she managed visits here and there, and came to enjoy the time for herself when he was away. It was time to catch up with friends or just relax. And they made the most of his time at home. When they started having children, he worked it out with his bosses to travel less. And now, he very rarely travels.

Is this a position he can get out of later? Is it for a certain time frame (such as a year)?

I just renoticed the part about your ex-husband. Don't undermine the importance of how much that experience is and will affect you.

Good luck.

 

[Beauty Mark]

In some ways, I am possibly in that situation.

As I told my boyfriend tonight, I refuse to tell him what to do. I would miss and actually do hope that he stays in the area, but I won't be mad or hurt if he doesn't stay here for me.

You haven't together that long, honestly. You have the beginnings of a solid relationship, but it isn't like you have this huge established life with kids and and such that he needs to be there or that breaking up would be super complicated.

It's fair that you want what you want, and I laud you for being honest with your boyfriend. However, you need for him to be honest with you.

Is this a short term thing? Meaning it'll literally last a year? Is he worth putting up something that you don't enjoy for about a year?

 

[talste]

I'm with Shimmer on this one, Although its obviously not what you want to hear she's telling it like it is. I've been through it when hubby was doing a 2.5 year stint as "Director of special projects" with his company. I never considered giving him an ultimatum of the job or me as:
1. He is fortunate enough to have a job he loves & I wont take that away from him
2. He's met some very valuable business contacts during his travels that I get to benefit from as well

as remember with business its not what you know, its who you know.
3. His bosses know he's done the hard yards and he's been rewarded accordingly for it.

So all the above plus more equals a very happy & comfortable home life for the 2 of us now. Also when he was travelling the time we did spend together was 100% quality time as opposed to just quantity.

I guess you need to take a look at the bigger picture and see if sacrificing time together now will be worth it for your future plans together.

 

[user79]

I don't think it's necessarily being insecure, some people just don't want to have long distance relationships. Sure, insecurity might be a part of it, or it might not at all. I think in this case it's more about the fact that he would be away from home more than he would be at home and spending time with you. I can completely understand why someone would be upset about that, and I don't think it's selfish to have those feelings.

It's def a decision you both will have to make, it would be bad if he turned it down and then regretted it and held it against you for the rest of the time. But, you shouldn't feel pressured into just accepting it either. If both of you are not willing to meet halfway, maybe you need to go separate ways.

Would this job offer be for a certain length of time, or indefinitely? If it's something for like a year, it might be different because you could fly to meet him and stuff. But if he plans to do this for indefinitely, then you have to know that the long distance would be a long-term situation that you would have to somehow deal with. If that's not an option for you, then you need to make it clear to him that's not what you are looking for in a relationship. But you might have to accept the fact that he might not want to give up on this career path for you.

Definitely have a talk about this and see what his thoughts are. Ultimately, you will have to make a decision on this if he decides to go ahead with the job. But I def don't think you are over reacting, you don't have a right to be mad at him, but you do have a right to say when something doesn't work for you.

Having been in a LD relationship for several years, I know how tough it is, and I do understand completely if other people don't want to do that. I don't think it's selfish, it's just being true to your own needs and feelings. Compromise is necessary, but some things are just deal breakers to some people.

 

[xxsgtigressxx]

Im gonna take my honest friend opinion over my politically correct opinion and say that I understand why you'd be upset. There are some women in this world (wives and/or girlfriends of the military) that are somehow able to handle a long distance relationship. I understand why you feel selfish, but i think the situation goes both ways. You have to be the only selfless one? He doesnt seem to have to give up as much by following his dream around. But in my mind what it really comes down to is what you expect in your relationship. I hate the word ultimatum. If you expect your bf to be readily available to you most of the year, its not fair for you to feel guilty when faced with this situation. You have certain expectations and standards, and if this guys choice doesnt fit with your standards, then I suppose you have a choice, be miserable or go your seperate ways.
I would suggest you sit your bf down and tell him exactly what you wrote in your post, how alone you would feel, etc. Is the money worth that to him? And how much more money are we talking? If its a significant amount (that would drastically change your lifestyle) then money is an ally for his side of the story. It seems like you've reached a crossroads in your relationship, and its time for you to make a choice. I wouldnt tell him he cant go though. I'd merely say to him that he can do what he wants, but so can you. And if that means you are going to walk away because you can't live that lifestyle then so be it.

 

[S.S.BlackOrchid]

First of all, I understand and this is NOT about you being insecure and selfish. You have needs in the relationship too.

I'd try to come up with (specifically) what you need from the relationship in order to be satisfied, and find a way that he can still do what he needs do.

No one should feel bad for having needs in a relationship.

 

[S.S.BlackOrchid]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxsgtigressxx You have to be the only selfless one? He doesnt seem to have to give up as much by following his dream around.

Exactly!!!

 

[CantAffordMAC]

This is rough. And I completely understand how you would feel upset...

I have to agree...with the fact that you have to see things from his point of view. This is a big opportunity for him and it has to do with his career. I dont think its right to make him choose. I think this is one of these *extremely hard* situations where you have to choose what is more important to you and what you can deal with or not deal with in the relationship.

I am going through something similar. And while its really hard....I have to put myself aside for a moment and not be selfish and think "what about me?" I am just sitting back and trying to be supportive and enthusiastic and a good girlfriend. Because the relationship is not worth being thrown out to me....I'd rather stick through it and just stand by his side no matter what.

Its tough for ur bf too, I'm sure, I doubt he wants to leave you for so long. But at least he isn't going to be gone every day of the year. I think you should decide whether or not u could deal with him being gone or not.

I think you should stick with it. Every guy needs a strong woman by his side

 

[YvetteJeannine]

One possibility you may want to consider:

If he doesn't take the job (and, it sounds at this point as if the only reason he wouldn't take it is because he's with you), he will probably start to resent you...Resent is a HUGE roadblock in a relationship (esp. a budding relationship).

 

[knoxydoll]

I would not be mad at him, I'd be excited for him. That's an amazing opportunity to travel the world (which is one of my dreams). My dad had to travel a lot for his job all of the world a lot like your boyfriend would have to. I grew up with it so I think that's why I'd be okay with it. And I wouldn't want to stifle his prospects or hurt his job in anyway. I know you said it wouldn't change his job in anyway. You've already stopped him once, I do think stopping him twice is a little selfish. You also have to ask yourself how him going around the world for work is hurting your dreams. If the situation were the other way around how would you think/want him to handle your situation? It is tough to be in a long distance relationship. If you have enough love, and trust they work. You really do have to speak with your boyfriend, lay it all out. All the worries, all the problems, and all the excitement if there is any. Don't forget all the wonderful presents he'd have to bring back if he went.

 

[MAC_Enthusiast]

Can you travel with him sometimes? That way, you would get to see some new parts of the world. If he really wants to take this job and you prevent him from taking it, he may resent you for it. As far as being insecure about him meeting other women, he can do that right now if he wants to, he doesn't need to go half way around the world. You can't keep him under surveillance 24/7. Either you trust him, or you don't.

 

[sofabean]

would you be able to go with him? you should ask him if his work will allow it. i guess it's a little tougher since you guys aren't married for his company to agree, but maybe they will.