age differences

[ilovexnerdsx]

who believes love doesn't consider ages, and who believes there's a fine line between what's acceptable and what's not? what should the max difference be, in your opinion?

i ask because i'm 15, and in the past several of my brother's friends (who would be around 20-23) have liked me/been interested in me. there was only one whom i really liked back for a while....he was 19.

i'm just curious as to what you think should be the max difference, if any.

 

[Another Janice!]

While some may say that age is nothing but a number, I disagree. Time (age) gives you a different perspective than what you see right now. Time also gives you maturity and the tools to know how to handle situations.

I have dated a couple guys way outta my (age) league. I was 12, he was 16...another, I was 15, he was 21.

The first one...he was basically desperate. Not good looking by any stretch of imagination...but I went with him because I was flattered because he was "older" an in High school. He happened to be my friends brother. Nothing ever happened between us, but that was purely because I wasn't ready and always said no.

The second one, well, that was illegal. He was legally an adult, and I was not. While I will admit he was my first "love", the relationship was really not a healthy one. He was my ticket to all sorts of things a 15 year old has no business involved in.....sex (ok, so it was the best of my life), drugs and a whole lot of alcohol. (note...my parents DID NOT know of this one. I snuck out everynight, or snuck him in. I'm pretty sure I'd still be locked in a convent to this day if they would have ever found out). He also had 6 years of living and learning on me. Because of that, he knew a whole other world that I desperately wanted to know. 15 is a scary age as it is, without trying to grasp things that you shouldn't even be faced with yet. Speaking from experience, they will break your heart harder than someone within your own age range.

After you are an adult, I really say that anything goes. If there is something a 20 year old sees in a 50 year old, then whatever, that's their business. But an adult has no business being with a kid. Period. If said adult is really into said kid, then a few years will be worth the wait. Otherwise, that's called statutory rape (well, not in Illinois...there is no charge of statutory rape anymore...it's just called pedophilia). Not saying you are going to sleep with these guys, but again, speaking from experience, you will find yourself doing things to make yourself "older" or "mature" so you will feel like a contemporary to them. I made myself grow up way faster than I had to and sometimes I really regret it.

basically what I am saying is, be with boys your own age. 15 is really young to be dating anyone outside the 14-17 year old range IMO. You have your entire life ahead of you. The boys will still be there.

 

[aeni]

when i was 18, i dated a 36 yro. at 19, a 31 yro. I've since learned that that is TOO much of an age difference since they treat you more like a daughter than a gf.

anyways, my rule of thumb is always 4 years. but since you're 15 and you're not really interested in the college agers, then why bother with them?

 

[ilovexnerdsx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aeni but since you're 15 and you're not really interested in the college agers, then why bother with them?

well i also sort've have this crush on this guy...that's...a...lot...older

 

[aeni]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovexnerdsx well i also sort've have this crush on this guy...that's...a...lot...older

We've all liked guys that are alot older, but I'll agree with what Janice said. You're still young and should be dating guys in the relatively same age group. I know it's just talk and it'll be the same wherever you turn, but it's the truth.

 

[Wattage]

I think it's really situationally dependent. It's difficult at the age of 15 because even a two year's gap when you are in your teens and early 20s see leaps and bounds in terms of maturing. Still, different people are at different places on the continuum of maturity and life experience.

In my opinion, if you truly in your heart feel that it's right and you are truly comfortable with it, I stand behind you and your decision (or anyone for that matter).

I believe if you really ask yourself the question and answer it honestly, you know the answer already.

Just as a side note though, love is a very, very dynamic. What you think of love at 15 (at least for me) can turn out to be just about the furthest thing from what love actually is - again, at least for me. I thought love was all about sexual attraction, being swept off my feet and romance... now I know that these are only things that happen because you are attracted to someone - not necessarily in love with them.

I agree that you should date within your own age group when you are in highschool (14 - 18 ). It really makes for a great experience, when you can face the challenges that life brings at that age with someone else who is very close to you. My sister and I both dated guys in our own grade in highschool, right past graduation. I am so glad I did, and feel very blessed to have met someone who I could relate to.

Best of luck!

 

[ilovexnerdsx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wattage Just as a side note though, love is a very, very dynamic. What you think of love at 15 (at least for me) can turn out to be just about the furthest thing from what love actually is - again, at least for me. I thought love was all about sexual attraction, being swept off my feet and romance... now I know that these are only things that happen because you are attracted to someone - not necessarily in love with them.

i know exactly what you mean, and know that the word love is thrown around a lot. after i wrote 'love' i debated whether i should change it or note that it was for lack of a better word.

and thankyou

 

[lara]

Date within your own age bracket until you're old enough and ugly enough (metaphorically speaking) to safely ride the waves that come along with a relationship that contains a significant age/generation/maturity difference. If you ever feel the need to justify the relationship by saying 'I'm very mature for my age/they're very immature for their age', don't bother. Neither of you are right for that particular relationship, or possibly age-gap relationships in general. A good rule of thumb is wait until your brain stops growing (22-24 years old) and then take a running leap at that sort of relationship.

There's 20+ years between my partner and I, and I wouldn't lie and say that it's easy. May-December relationships take 10x the work of standard relationships and need 10x a thicker skin. For me it's completely worth it, though, and I've never had to justify it to myself or anyone else. But like I said, I'm old enough and ugly enough to manage it and relish all the positives.

Postscript: I have to politely disagree with aeni, though. Significant age gaps aren't an indicator that someone might start treating their partner like a child - that's entirely up to the personalities of the people involved in the relationship.

 

[dollbabybex]

no offence but why would a fully grown man be interested in a 15 year old?

prob cos its easier to make you fall in love with them and they can be in control.

im sure you are mature fo your age but i agree with the girl who said 4 years.

hope this didnt offend x

 

[Lalli]

^^i agree.

you're very young 15 only, enjoy life and when it comes to boys think of someone within your own age, if this person you really like is willing to wait until you're abit older before you start dating then he may be worth it. if not i wouldnt bother

 

[Shimmer]

I have to agree with Dollbaby. At fifteen the vast majority of people aren't emotionally developed enough to truly be able (IMO) to handle a M/D relationship.
As Lara said, it takes a LOT more work (I'm fifteen years younger than husband).
Obviously, your decision is yours but in this case I would advise caution, and at the first sign of a red flag or gut reaction, I would end the relationship, if it were to proceed.

 

[DaizyDeath]

when i was your age i thought it was ok to date guys alot older then me when i was 16 i dated a 24 year old guy.

But i QUICKLY realized they want tottally different things. guys in their 20's wants sex and thats about it. thats not what i wanted when i was only 16 and sometimes they can be preety forcefull since their older and much bigger so be really carefull alot of older guys pray on younger girls who they know will fall head over heels at them.

I mean if you think about it logically why would a 24 year old man want to date a 16 year old and not somebody in his age range?

it just doesnt make much sense to me.

 

[Indigowaters]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Another Janice! While some may say that age is nothing but a number, I disagree. Time (age) gives you a different perspective than what you see right now. Time also gives you maturity and the tools to know how to handle situations. Speaking from experience, they will break your heart harder than someone within your own age range. If said adult is really into said kid, then a few years will be worth the wait.

I agree. A guy I had feelings for had feelings for me when I was 19 and he was 26. He found out how old I was and asked when was my birthday. I thought that was odd

. Then he dissappeared. One year later he pops back up into my life. It didn't work out, but at least he respected me and himself enough to wait until we both were the proper age to see if we wanted to date.

If the guy is rushing you or you're rushing, you have to step back and wonder what's all the rush? Would he try to get you to do things you don't want to? If not, then why not wait until you're the proper age? I also have another question: What would your parents think of you and him together? If this would be a relationship that you would have to hide, you're only setting yourself up for trouble.

 

[ilovexnerdsx]

thank you for all the advice ladies

thinking about it, it would be a relationship i would be wanting to hide...from my parents, though a lot of my friends know everything. for the record, the guy's not "in love" (for lack of a better word) with me. he does treat me like his sister, and i know i can trust him...we're like brother and sister and we rely on each other for advice and opinions, but we have a certain level of attraction for each other. but we don't take it past that. i know that he wouldn't EVER force me into anything and i trust him completely.

and i didn't start this thread specifically to see if i should be able to get away with crushing on him. it was more curiosity, really....because my friends who know about the age difference have no objection to him and i talking all the time, but like was mentioned, i would never tell my parents i'm talking to a guy that much older than me.

him & i have no longterm commitment (other than friendship) planned, and i wouldn't plan out longterm commitment with him until i'm older.

so is it wrong him and i have a certain attraction for each other, even though we dont act on it? as long as i dont let things lead up, is it really that bad to be really close to him?

 

[Shimmer]

Emotional attachment could create a sticky situation, but a crush from afar can't really hurt much unless you let it dominate your life.

If you put other guys // girls // relationships on the backburner while waiting for this one it could be detrimental.

 

[Jaim]

I think it depends on where you're at in your life. If I was 15 and in high school, I'd date someone else in high school.

I don't think I'd be comfortable dating anyone more than 3 years older than me, just because a lot of maturing can happen in those 3 years. I'm 21 and my boyfriend is (not quite) 23 and we're in the same stage right now, so it works well.

 

[Raerae]

I agree with a lot of what was said...

I think the age gap widens as you get older and mature. For instances when your under age 18, I would strongly advise to try to date people that are in your same "grade" range at school (maybe 1 above). So typically about a 6 month to 1 year difference. Only because, there is a major life event happening in just a few years (high school graduation + college) that changes EVERYTHING. The things people are intersted in change a lot across those few years your involved in highschool. And i know every girl always wants the older guys, but it's not always in your best interest. Even something as simple as him having a job, and you not ever worked makes things different. Not only in availibility, but also in income. Plus it always hurts when your the highschool girlfriend and your boyfriend graduates and moves away on you.

Personally I think 18-21 is the wierdest age range, and i'd still suggest trying to keep your age gap close. As once your guy turns 21, the things the both of you have access too become dramatically different. He's gonna want to go out to bars and clubs with his friends, and you have to stay home. I know that broke apart a few of my relaionships, we just stopped having things in common since all the things we used to do on fri/sat nights weren't as fun as going out to the bars and clubs. Again just milestones in life that change people.

Once your 21, i think the age gap widens a bit, like i'd be totally comfortable at 21 dating someone who was like 25-26. But not older. Peoples wants and needs change a lot once they get into their late 20's (families, marriage, kids, etc.) And you still have plenty of years to grow up to that. You still need to have time getting out there doing stuff, having fun, being young. It is afterall your 20's. That killed one my my better relationships. I was 22, he was 29. And we were great together, but after several months, we drifted apart. Not because we didn't care about eachother, but because he wanted to start a family, and I wasn't interested in getting married or having kids. That breakup hurt the most. Because I could have seen myself getting married at some point, and having kids with him. Just not for several more yearsm and he didn't want to wait.

 

[User34]

when I was 15 I thought any guy over the age of 17 was gross and when I was 20 I thought 26 year olds were old farts. Now I'm 26 and looking at 30 year old like..Hmmmmmm
It all depends on the maturity level of some people. Age can really be no difference if a person really connects with the other person and vice versa.
On the other hand, a 20-23 year old guy has alot of other things going through his mind when he meets a younger girl ( IMO) so I would seriously consider dating anyone older then their teens.
ask your brother how they are . Your brother should give you an honest opinion and if he says stay away.. there is a reason.. ur bro should know them best! =)

 

[ilovexnerdsx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alumeze ask your brother how they are . Your brother should give you an honest opinion and if he says stay away.. there is a reason.. ur bro should know them best! =)

this particular guy isn't one of my brother's friends:| and...he's over 21. :| (i really hope nobody's opinion of me will change because of this. i'm not that fucked up i promise...just confused & curious i guess--which is the reason this topic was started. i need a hug.)

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovexnerdsx this particular guy isn't one of my brother's friends:| and...he's over 21. :| (i really hope nobody's opinion of me will change because of this. i'm not that fucked up i promise...just confused i guess--which is the reason this topic was started. i need a hug.)

It's not wierd to want an older guy. They have a lot more to offer in many ways than younger guys. But they also WANT alot more in return. Commitments and sacrifices that you may not be ready to commit too.

Plus, you'll understand when you older how "creepy" it is for a guy in his mid 20's to be into a 15 year old girl. it doesn't seem creepy now, because your the younger person. But once you mature a few years you REALLY start to wonder about men who constantly date young girls.

Ever heard the phrase, "Young and Dumb" ?

Thats exactly why a lot of older guys go for younger girls. Like late 20's guys picking up on 18 year olds (or younger). Because they are young and dumb, and it's easy to get them to do stupid things (mainly sex) and then dump em later (or the day after). I knew thing one guy who was like 29, and had a reputation in our area for being a total whore. He was an attractive guy, who's a lot of fun, and knows exactly how to play on younger girls so they sleep with him. But c'mon, if your 29 and going to keggers with 18 year old college freshman, whats wrong with you? I'm 24 and the idea of hanging out with a bunch of 18 year olds at a keg party is totally lame. You'll find older guys at em all the time though trying to get a drunk girl into bed with them.

Young girls have plenty to offer a older guy, your cute, stupid (haven't made a lot of mistakes yet to where you "know better"), and they wanna have sex with you.

Younger guys (from my perspective) have NOTHING to offer. They are immature, have no serious source of income to raise a family, dont want kids, aren't reliable, etc. Why would I want to date one? Especially one who is still in highschool, living with their parents.

Thing about it from that perspective.