age differences

[queenofdisaster]

at 15 i thought i was certain of what "love" was and made my mind up that i would only date older guys. but thinking back, i was unexperienced and dating older guys led me to the sex, drugs, alcohol... but in my case, i ended up with a baby. (not that it was a bad thing... but i was too young) thankfully i was lucky enough to let myself out of a bad relationship and got married. my hubby is only 2 years older than me... i think age is a big deal b/c if there's a huge age gap there is just less to have in common. once you're seasoned, it's totally okay to be with a man that's 10 years older than you. but when you're still in high school, it's best to stay within your own age range... things can really go wrong if not, and i'm just speaking from experience. high school was the worst 4 years of my life, mainly b/c i was trying to grow up too fast...

 

[Beauty Mark]

It depends on how much of an attraction you have between the two of you. The situation can ugly if it's intense and there's a chance you'll act on it.

Age differences is not the ultimate determining factor of compatibility, but they're a very, very good guideline. I'm 21, and I couldn't see myself with someone who's much younger (19 would probably be the youngest) or much older (24-26.) The reasons why are that age often indicates a lot about life experience, lifestyles, and interests. The people I know in their 30s or approaching 30s are thinking about settling down, marriage, families. That isn't for me, because I'm still trying to figure myself out. Most 19 year olds have just left home and trying to figure life/themselves out even more than I.

The age gap widens as you get older, but you still have differences. A 10-15 difference can mean you'll still be working while he's in retirement. That's not a huge deal, depending on the person, but again, it's just a matter of lifestyle difference and how important it is.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovexnerdsx this particular guy isn't one of my brother's friends:| and...he's over 21. :| (i really hope nobody's opinion of me will change because of this. i'm not that fucked up i promise...just confused & curious i guess--which is the reason this topic was started. i need a hug.)

I can see your confusion here...but an over-21 year old man has no business hanging out with a 15 year old. HE should know better....I'll givey ou a little example:

DH's cousin and I are same age. When I met him (around 25-26) he was into really young girls (16 to 18 year olds) for the simple reason that he could get them to do whatever he wanted. That's it. The girls were so impressed with the fact that they were dating someone much older than them that they did WHATEVER he told them to. I used to tell him that he couldn't handle a woman his age, so that's why he liked them young.

Guys over 21 come with over-21 problems....

And no, my opinion of you hasn't changed at all...I was your age once upon a time! Just be careful and keep your eyes open. {{{hugs!}}}

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alumeze It all depends on the maturity level of some people. Age can really be no difference if a person really connects with the other person and vice versa.

Everyone made a good point and I totally agree with the above statement. A good friend of mines was 15 when she first started dating her husband who was 19 at the time. They have never once broke up (not even for a day) and now are expecting kid #2. I have another friend who is 30 and has a 22 y/o girlfriend. So far, it's been over a year and things have been great for them. On the other hand, my BFF has a 28 y/o bf (she's 24) and he's a jerk lol. All he wants to do is go out clubbing and hang out with his friends instead of staying home with her and the baby. Everyone is different, so yes on the maturity level.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzcelaneous A good friend of mines was 15 when she first started dating her husband who was 19 at the time. They have never once broke up (not even for a day) and now are expecting kid #2

The big difference at 15 though is that i really doubt your wants, goals and needs are anywhere close to being on the same page (realistically) with a MAN in his mid 20's. Your friends at 19 and 15 can essentially be still kids. Is this guy in his 20's but has the wants and needs of a 15 year old? I know when I was 15 I was thinking about school, homecomming, winterformal, future colleges. And the people I wanted to date were very similar. I know I was still very similar at 19 with how I was at 15. I didn't really change signifigantly untill I was in my early 20's (as far as goals, and needs etc). And I'm still learning about who I am. I work with adults, and even though I'm 24 (25 end of month) I still feel like a child in many ways when comparing my life to theirs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzcelaneous I have another friend who is 30 and has a 22 y/o girlfriend. So far, it's been over a year and things have been great for them.

My Mom is 10 years older than my dad, she was like 38 and he was 28 when they met, and they have been together for over 19 years now. But they were on the same page when they met as far as goals, wants, and needs. So the age difference didn't matter (matters even less as you ageas the gap where people's needs in life are more similar over larger age differences). Had my Mom met him when she was 28 and he was 18, umm lol? My dad was all about drinking, smoking, riding motorcycles, hanggliding, extreme skiing, divnig etc. He was basically in the search for thrills. But by the time he was 28 he was interested in a career and family. So they were compatible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzcelaneous On the other hand, my BFF has a 28 y/o bf (she's 24) and he's a jerk lol. All he wants to do is go out clubbing and hang out with his friends instead of staying home with her and the baby. Everyone is different, so yes on the maturity level.

I think age differences have more to do with if your on the same page in life, rather than maturity level. Wanting to party at a club doesn't mean your immature, it just means your not looking for a serious relationship. Was their baby planned? It kinda looks to me that their child was an unplanned pregnancy. So it may not be that he is immature, but that he wasn't ready to be a father. Granted I think if you do end up with a child (planned or not), your priorities in life should be forced to change, ready or not.

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Hypothetically if you did end up dating. Have you thought about what exactly you would do with said guy? Hang out at your parents house? Hang out as his house? Go to the movies? Are you going to be ok when he goes downtown to bars and clubs and you can't go? He's going to be drinking, flirting and probably dancing with other girls (and who knows what else) while he out. As i doubt you find many men in their 20's who are going to give up their 20's to be with their 15 year old girlfriend.

The problem with that is also, if he's the only person with an income and he's paying for everything, do you think you can be responsible about not feeling like you owe him? I know that was a big reason some of my friends gave in to certain pressures from older guys when they were younger. They felt the had to give something back to him for all the money he spent on them on dates and stuff. And that usually meant him wanting sex. He's gonna want it, he's in his 20's. And if he's not getting it from you, he's probably getting it somewhere else.

Again just playing devils advocate here heh.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae The big difference at 15 though is that i really doubt your wants, goals and needs are anywhere close to being on the same page (realistically) with a MAN in his mid 20's. Your friends at 19 and 15 can essentially be still kids. Is this guy in his 20's but has the wants and needs of a 15 year old? I know when I was 15 I was thinking about school, homecomming, winterformal, future colleges. And the people I wanted to date were very similar. I know I was still very similar at 19 with how I was at 15. I didn't really change signifigantly untill I was in my early 20's (as far as goals, and needs etc). And I'm still learning about who I am. I work with adults, and even though I'm 24 (25 end of month) I still feel like a child in many ways when comparing my life to theirs. My Mom is 10 years older than my dad, she was like 38 and he was 28 when they met, and they have been together for over 19 years now. But they were on the same page when they met as far as goals, wants, and needs. So the age difference didn't matter (matters even less as you ageas the gap where people's needs in life are more similar over larger age differences). Had my Mom met him when she was 28 and he was 18, umm lol? My dad was all about drinking, smoking, riding motorcycles, hanggliding, extreme skiing, divnig etc. He was basically in the search for thrills. But by the time he was 28 he was interested in a career and family. So they were compatible. I think age differences have more to do with if your on the same page in life, rather than maturity level. Wanting to party at a club doesn't mean your immature, it just means your not looking for a serious relationship. Was their baby planned? It kinda looks to me that their child was an unplanned pregnancy. So it may not be that he is immature, but that he wasn't ready to be a father. Granted I think if you do end up with a child (planned or not), your priorities in life should be forced to change, ready or not.

It seems that you like to pick on me :shrug:

II was pointing out experiences of those I'm close to and I just thought I'd share. Their experiences does not dictate all others so you comparing my friends lives with yours/your parents wasn't completely necessary if you thought I was saying that maturity justified the age difference for all. It worked for them (and vice versa) that's it. "Being on the same page" and maturity can come hand in hand. I'm not mad or trying being mean. Just thought I'd say my part

And just to add, I DO think that partying/clubbing/bar hopping is immature after having a planned pregnancy

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzcelaneous It seems that you like to pick on me :shrug:

Not picking on yah, just commenting on parts of your post is all since it was interesting. Sharing perspectives, giving more depth to a valuable post, since it's something i'm sure many of our younger members have dealt with. Plus I'm bored at work and have time to post a lot =P

Quote:

And just to add, I DO think that partying/clubbing/bar hopping is immature after having a planned pregnancy

KK wasn't sure if it was planned or not. Since you said he was her boyfriend, i assumed it was unplanned since they were not married. But i completely agree, kids change everything in your life, ready or not. He is acting immature, since once your a father, it should be expected of you to act like a dad, not a single guy, married or not.

 

[ilovexnerdsx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae And if he's not getting it from you, he's probably getting it somewhere else.

absolutely groundbreaking. wow.

but once again. him and i just have a friendship with a certain small level with attraction. i guess its really a lot different than i somehow made it out to be, because of the replies i'm getting. in short, http://specktra.net/showthread.php?t=50690 = same guy. i guess that REALLY throws a new twist on things.

i sort of feel like all this is jumbled up and spread out throughout this thread, and i'm sorry for any confusion

i wouldn't mind holding his hand and embracing him; i have before. but i think at this point i've seperated fantasy and reality apart, and i know that him and i aren't ever going to, yanno, "officially be together." and it's not that that's bothering me anymore because i'm basically over that.

well hm. let me think this out. i guess i made this thread out of sheer curiosity....then after i did, i realized maybe i still have a nerve or two in me that wants to be with him. i know it'll never happen but it stings a bit.

so i cant be with him because of age difference and distance. it's just been a long distance fantasy world.

i think i'm finally drilling that into my head now.

 

[lara]

Keep it as a crush. Crushes are healthy and, quite frankly, they're heaps of fun.

 

[MissVanessa]

I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 25. We met at work, and I honestly wasn't interested in him at all. He had a girlfriend at the time, and he always came to me for advice, we went to movies, I took his dance classes, and for me there was no attraction at all. Eventually I did start to have feelings for him, and he did too. We've had many discussions about this, and we've never run into problems. I made sure to introduce him to my mom right away and tell her how I was feeling, and she was fine with him. He doesn't go to the bars as much anymore (And he'll never leave me alone to go to the bars), so we just invite friends over and have a few drinks (innocent drinks, I'm only 18!

) at the house. I had a huge falling out with my mom and she threw me out of the house, so he told me to come stay with him. I've been living with him for 8 months now and I've never been happier. We have our issues, but so does any other couple. And no, he doesn't try to control me because I'm younger (Yeah, right tell that to my mom). Every situation is different. It really does depend on the maturity of the people in the realtionship. If you have any other questions feel free to ask.

 

[tokyo_juliet]

I honestly believe that love has no limits when it comes to significant age gaps. Of course, it all does depend on the maturity level of the partners involved in the relationship. Two people, even if they are years apart can work things out if both are mature and not forcing the other person into doing any sort of thing that they don't want to. People mature at different ages so if a 15-year-old is mature enough for her age, knows in her heart that what she is doing is right and she totally knows that the man is treating her right (regardless of his age), then I believe age shouldn't matter.
There are many people who do go for younger girls (or you can say kids) just because they want to "fool around" and get them to do what they want, and that's why you got to watch out for those kind of losers. I'm not directing this at anyone but not all people who date underage/younger girls or boys want to take advantage of them or force them to do anything bad they shouldn't be doing at their age including drugs, drinking, sex, etc. If you're young, and you don't know what you want yet, you don't know any better, very inexperienced, and thinking superficially, then I believe you should date within your own age group. I agree that though a man may be sincere and like a younger girl, it is still better to wait until she's older and more mature to go out with her.
People, again based on individual maturity levels have different experiences. So just because someone has had a bad relationship with a much older man, then that doesn't mean the next person who has a great relationship with an older man can't actually happen.
Like I said, people do mature at different ages.

 

[VeronikaJ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovexnerdsx who believes love doesn't consider ages, and who believes there's a fine line between what's acceptable and what's not? what should the max difference be, in your opinion? i ask because i'm 15, and in the past several of my brother's friends (who would be around 20-23) have liked me/been interested in me. there was only one whom i really liked back for a while....he was 19. i'm just curious as to what you think should be the max difference, if any.

In many instances age does not have an absolute age bracket...however, you must consider many factors.

At different times in our lives we have traveled different paths and learned different lessons. These lessons and paths can be very different at age 15 then they are at age 23. Having a crush or just enjoying the "flirt" aspect is fun and exciting. But, do you really have the same values/ideas of what's important at those different ages (15 vs. 23)? Sure this age difference many years down the road may not be such a biggie (say, 25 vs. 33) but there is alot of living one does between the ages of 15 and 23. By 23, one may have graduated high school, lost their virginity, possibly gradutated college, etc. Many of these milestones in someone's life are the very factors that shape their long term opinions and values. If I was dating someone who was only 15 (I'm 23) I would think and expect that we would have such varying levels of education and overall life lessons that it would be difficult to see eye to eye or even agree on anything.

Point being, every person and relationship is different and there is no right or wrong answer-but, wouldn't you want to share a relationship with someone who at least can relate to some small aspect of your current life?

P.s. I must add, a 15 yr old and a 23 yr old (if sexual acts were involved) would be considered statatory rape. Now, maybe there is a right and a wrong answer when there's a possibility of committing a crime :eek2:

 

[giz2000]

I have to agree with VeronikaJ. If there were a sexual relationship, that's considered statutory rape.

I said it once, I'll say it again...a 23 year old man has no business being with a 15 y/o girl..no matter how mature that girl may be.

 

[luckyme]

Not saying that it is appropriate in anyway but I met my husband when I was 17 (he was 10 years older), dated when I was 18 and married when I was 20. We have been married for 13 years now.

However, if I had a 15 year daughter who was dating an adult, I would not think twice about pressing charges against the person. Its not that you are making an unwise choice, the adult is. In fact, I only have a son but if there was an older women who was taking advantage of him in a sexual way, whether it was by his choice or not, I would do the same thing. And if it were to be a teacher or someone of authortative position, we would have a major issue.

 

[kimmy]

it depends on the people in question. if they're both on the same maturity level, a relationship can work. however, if one person ACTS 15 and the other acts 19, it might be difficult. if you both at the same age though, it makes things alot easier.

i can't really say that any age difference is too vast. love is love, and that's all there is to it. my boyfriend is almost 4 years older than me (yeah not a HUGE difference, but it's the same kind of difference you're looking at with the 19 year old) for the most part, we do pretty well. he has the maturity level of a 16 year old hah, and i'm 18...so it's close enough. the one problem that i have encountered is that because of his age, he's had alot more experience than i have and sometimes knowing that he's had 10-15 girlfriends in the past makes me a little uneasy. and knowing that he's had a very serious girlfriend before makes me a little uneasy as this is my first relationship.

but i agree with Lara & Shimmer also that you should use extreme caution. and trust your intuition.

 

[NutMeg]

This is a pretty emotional topic for me because my cousin (15) died last year walking home from her 21 year old boyfriend's house. She had to walk through one of the worst parts of the city and across a bridge. The river was flooded and the end of the bridge was washed out but she didn't see because the water was covering it. This guy was controlling and manipulative... he made her sneak out at night and come visit him and then made her walk home by herself. The relationship wasn't about sex, it was that he'd been cheated on in the past and wanted someone simple to control. I recognize that this is not always the case, but I think when you are getting yourself into a relationship with a significant age gap you have to be so much more careful than with a normal one. I don't really think it's a bad thing to get yourself into a May/December thing as long as you can protect yourself emotionally and physically. And if you are constantly being aware of things that might be signs of abuse or being controlled.

P.S Anthem, I know what you're talking about. My boyfriend is only nine months older than me, but he was a huge manskank before we started dating... So I've had people in my town just assume that he's cheating or that I was just the flavour of the week kind of thing. They've mostly stopped with that because we've been together for a year and a half

. But I do have issues with his having been with so much more people than me. And it's always akward to be telling him a story about someone and it's like, what you slept with her too?? Lol. I'm mostly cool with it now because I know it's pretty much impossible to find someone without a past and I know he's different now. But it used to bug me when people would give me a hard time about it. And it's my first relationship too. The one thing that really made me realise that it was ok is that he told me I was the first person he's ever been in love with, and if I have to choose between that or being the first person he slept with? I like mine better.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

My opinion on age differences:
I think anything more than 5 years is too much when you're in your 20s-30s. If you're a minor, 2 or 3 years should be the maximum.

I have to beg the question that others have bought up: what does a 25 year old man see in a 15 year old girl? Sex. Someone he can control. Something, that he thinks, will be uncomplicated. That's not always the case, but a good amount of the time, it is.

When you're older, 30+, I'd say WITHIN 10 years is okay. Anything more than that, and you're dating a completely different generation; your parents'.
When there's a significant age gap in a relationship, you have to work harder to fill it in. The couple is usually on different levels in life and don't always have much in common. I'm not trying to generalize all couples, because I know some couples who are far apart in age who are totally on the same wavelength. But they're older couples, so it's easier.

 

[asnbrb]

I honestly think that you should keep it at a friendship, nothing more. You're young and a lot of people don't really know what they want when they're so young. 15? I didn't know sh*t compared to now and even now I still feel a little naive when it comes to certain things.

Also, imagine if your parents found out and they didn't like him. Statutory Rape. You can say yes all you want, but you're too young to mean it legally.

I have no problem with dating older men. Heck, my bf right now is six years older than I am. All I'm saying that right now it's fine, but if this was when I was 15, then no.

 

[KirstyTL]

I think as you get older age gaps matter less and less... After you've finished with school and had a go at life on your own you can identify with anyone else that's also worked at life on their own... so mabe a 25 year old and a 50 year old can be in an equal and fair relationship. But when you're younger you're going through a lot and someone even just a couple of years older than you will already be on an entirely different plateau. From what I've seen if you're still at school you're best off with someone you're own age or maybe a couple of years either way, any more than that and you're not emotionally or intellectually likely to be on the same level....

Meh. I dunno really. Depends on individuals. I've got 15 year old friends with more maturity than my 30 year old ones but still doesn't mean that its right for someone who is an adult to get into a relationship with someone who is by law classed as a child.

Ramble over

 

[Chic 2k6]

i cant really say much here as im 16. Im like you, i fancy older guys thats older than 20!

All i can say is that you've got plenty of time, and who knows?! you may find a guy that you like in your high school, its easy to be put off by guys ur age because theyre alot more immature than the older ones.

I was told this by my teacher during my Media class that girls goes for older guys because they want something that represents a fatherly figure without realising.