Can I honestly let it all go and JUST have sex?

[X4biddenxLustX]

It's a long and complicated story so I'll shorten it for you guys as much as I can.

For the past 2 years me and this guy who I've known for going on 5 years now having been having this weird I don't quite know what it is type thing... We'll just call him B.

Were not in a "relationship" because according to he does not want to commit because he has attachment issues as it seems (he told me he lost some important people in his life) and likes to be alone. Now, I do want commitment on the other hand though. We've had a lot of arguments about this throughout the last 2 almost 3 years on this subject and every time its happened I thought we'd just stop talking and hanging out and that be the end of it. But NOOOO. He just always comes back and I can't say no.

B and I have sex on a regular basis and to be honest I enjoy it a lot most of the time. He's the only guy I've been having sex with for the past 2 years. That's a long ass time to be having sex with someone who you care for but wont commit I think. But before him I was one of those girls who would just lay there during sex and do absolutely nothing. I've truly grown sexually with him and still am.

The thing that just bugs me though is that during sex most of the time or when we hang out, it feels as if were more than just 2 people who just fuck. Like we'll kiss, he'll cuddle with me, try to hold me, he's even called me names like "lover" on many occasions. He's even been there when I've felt my lowest and just cried. He'd just hold me and try to comfort me. Plus he listens to all my crazy stupid rants and gives me his opinion. All those things just seem like something you'd expect from someone your in a relationship with not someone you just fuck on a regular basis. It just confuses the hell out of me so much. I've tried talking to him about it but it just never happens and I'm not quite sure how to or what to do. I'd just wish he'd make it COMPLETELY clear what he wanted from me exactly as in a relationship or whatever.

Either way, I still want to continue to have sex with him because I can't see myself starting all over again sexually with some other guy and expecting myself to enjoy it. If he doesn't want a relationship and just sex, fine but he'll need to stop with all this lovey dovey stuff. But still Idk if it would work out fine to just have sex or would my emotions get into the mix again?

Ugh, theres just soo much hurt inside me right now. I think he's screwing some hair cutting chick (another long story...). I just wish he'd be honest and clear about everything.

 

[Lauren1981]

my ex of two years (i call him an ex but we technically weren't together) and i had the same situation you have going on now and what i got from it after all was said and done was that he did have commitment issues (or so he said) because things from his past but he basically wanted me to have that commitment to him i guess as his security blanket. like, he needed to feel that i would always be around without giving that back to me which obviously isn't fair and lame. we were the same. basically did all the things a g/f and a b/f would do with each other but there was no commitment from his side. i didn't see him trying to make any kind of change until i told him i was moving to s.fla which is sad.
i think its just up to you and what you feel like you can put up with/handle. i can tell you one thing tho, the argument you guys have will be the same one over and over again unless you change something from your end. im sure he knows that no matter how much you two argue about it, you'll end up staying in the same situation so he really feels no reason to HAVE to commit. he's content knowing that he has you but guys like him, they take an even bigger risk in commiting to someone and losing them as opposed to just losing them. meaning if you decide to leave, it'll be easier for him if he hasn't built that huge attachment to you. fine. to each is own. but for him to expect you to take a risk with him but him not do the same is lame.
it's all about what you want tho at this point

 

[Lauren1981]

i just read the last part of your post.
to add along with what i just said, his other reason for not committing could be because of that. so that he can do whatever he wants. it's been this long and there's no committment or anything. even if he isn't messing around with another chick it's not fair to you because that's not what you want but if you have the suspicion he's messing around then i would really, REALLY evaluate everything and figure out what it is you want from a guy because what it sounds like is that you want him to change instead of actually establishing what you want. like instead of waiting for him to BE what you want you should maybe only tolerate someone who will give you what you want in the beginning
just my opinion
relationships can be so damn complicated. i just hope everything works out for the best for you

 

[blindpassion]

I think that its only going to continue to tear you up inside if you keep having sex with him.

Sex is good, its probably good with him, and you're comfortable with him so its even better. But you have feelings for him - feelings that he either doesn't have or doesn't ever care to acknowledge. Sex will be great with other men too, and this will give you an opportunity to meet someone who wants to commit and wants to be yours.

I think you're getting a raw deal and that guys getting the deal of his dreams.

You either
A: Put aside all feelings for him and keep having booty calls just for fun.
(which isn't possible because you have feelings for him that aren't just going to go away)

or
B: Move on, and find someone who meets ALL your needs, not just some.

All good things come to an end, it seems like the timer has rung on this one.

 

[Shimmer]

Stop having sex with him.
He's using you for a booty call.


If you're okay with that, by all means, continue. Otherwise, move on.

 

[makeba]

based on what you mentioned he has been honest with you about his commitment level. he doesnt want one! but surely he is enjoying the lovin a great deal becuz you provide it. two years or better is a bit long to hold onto someone who doesnt want a commitment. i once had an 'agreement' with a guy many moons ago and was able to keep my feelings out of it. we each knew what the set up was and tried to keep it that way, at least i did. he then caught feelings and got a bit disturbed on me and it totally changed things. gurl, let someone else get all that lovin you discovered and want it just like you do!!! stay beautiful

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Thanks ladies for your input on this!

I really want to talk to him about what it is that he clearly wants or expects from me. Because yes I do feel used alot of the time. Not just for sex but also for the fact that he's getting affection and care from me that I sometimes dont feel he deserves. But he's also been there for me for alot of crap and he's been the one person besides my therapist who I could talk to about almost anything besides the situation between us. Things have been quite rocky with some of my close friends lately because of lies and betrayal on there part and it just feels as if I have absolutely no one to go to besides him whenever he comes around. And I sort of scared to lose that I guess. He once told me that I could always come to him and talk about anything if I needed to. Now I'm not sure if thats just his way of somehow gaining my trust and somehow in a sense "control" me because he knows that I love him and just can't seem to let him go. I'm not really sure of anything in this situation anymore =[

I find it funny that before him I wasn't the commitment type of girl. I would go out with this guy for a few weeks and then we'd break up and then there'd be a new guy not too long afterwards. I didn't take things seriously then. I played the whole "hard to get" things with him. In the beginning B did showed signs of wanting a relationship with me. He even asked me out and I said no (which I seriously regret now) because I was being stupid back then. But he really was a whole lot better back then, he was just so sweet and kind. I genuinely believe that back then he really did actually like me. Now our roles are like reversed.

I think that if we did end things completely now, I dont want to get into anything serious with any guy for a LONG time. I've given up almost 3 years of my young life (I'm only 18!) to some guy. And I just kind of want those years back to experience life while I'm still young. I just want to be able to let go and have fun and not worry and stress so much over things like this. I've never ever had a good relationship with any guy they've all been chaotic, mentally abusive, and just caused me alot of trouble.

About the whole hair cutting chick thing I think I should explain it to everyone plus I need to get it off my chest too. Well I haven't talked to B in a week now and the last time we did talk he had texted me from work I guess during break or something. He said , "Hey what are you doing?" and I thought this was going to be the beginning of a nice little convo between us but boy was I wrong. So I replied back saying that I was just watching the dog whisperer on tv lol. He didn't text me back for prob a half an hour or so and all he asked was if I knew the name of the hair salon by the walgreens where I live close to. Now the first thing that pops into my head is WTF???!! The salon he was asking about is called Posh Salon and its a more upscale salon with a tanning bed and all of that jazz. Now he would never ever get his hair cut or anything done at a place like that because he's very low maintence about his appearance and just gets his hair buzzed at barber shop every now and then. At this moment he doesn't even have enough hair to style or do anything with it plus he's quite cheap and I know that Posh isn't cheap. So I told him the name of the place and asked y he was asking me this. I waited and no reply. So I texted him back telling him that theres also another hair salon called Barettas around the same area and asked him again why he was asking me this. That was just my excuse to ask him again. Again no reply. Now I would understand if he couldn't get to his phone since he was working but he had every opportunity later that night and the next day and the day after that to give me a reason. And he still hasn't. Now maybe this is just the jealous and crazy taking over but I can't help but shake this odd feeling about all of this. It just doesnt add up and I want the damn truth about it. I think I deserve it. I'm not going to help him get laid by some nasty slut (I consider him a slut too because he's told me about some of his sexual experiences and yeah....he's as much as a slut as any of those girls. Men can totally be sluts too.). I questioned him a few months back on two different occasions if he's been screwing other girls and he said that he hasn't been with a different girl in a long time. So Idk?

 

[Beauty Mark]

You're 18. You're still young, and if this guy isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, talk to him. If you already have, then you need to decide if sex is worth him using you and you getting hurt and broken up about it.

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

Girl, you're young, you can do better then him. He's using the hell out of you!

 

[blindpassion]

Dont waste your time talking to him about what he wants out of your relationship.

Obviously he doesn't want commitment. Hes made that clear.

Men are simple creatures, sitting down and talking about expectations isn't their cup of tea. You already know he doesn't want a relationship or commitment. So instead of looking like you're begging for him, just leave it alone and walk away from him. Be the powerful one. Don't let him KNOW he has so much power over you.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I guess I do have to really learn how to let him go. It's gonna hurt even though he is such a douche to me. I just dont want to cry about it and all of that emotional stuff ya no? I hate being all mushy.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I don't think any of us think it will be easy; when you love someone, no matter how awful they are to you, it's hard to break up.

Before you go out with another guy, you need to give yourself some time to think about why you are with these people who aren't good for you. You said that you have a tendency to be with people who are mentally abusive? I'd try to figure out why that is and work on not being with these people.

 

[ginger9]

One of the hardest things is to let go of a unfilfilling/unhealthy relationship that you are too deep into. It's pretty clear you are not able to maintain an exculsively sexual relationship with him and have developed feelings for him. Nothing wrong with that, it's a tricky and dangerous thing to get into and you are only human.

I'm giving you some tough love right now but it's for your own good. Stop making excuses for him. You know it deep down inside, you said it yourself that he doesn't deserve the affection and care you give him. You deserve better hon, someone that can commit to you and give themself to you openly without condition. There are plenty of people out there that can "be there for you and listen to you" (although I'm from the school of just depending on myself but I digress). I honestly think the longer you drag this out the more hurt you will get, it's been two years don't make it any longer. I feel you though, it's not easy be strong

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I actually ended up meeting up with him earlier tonight. Bad I know ughh I'm so weak. I don't feel like I've gotten the chance to say what I wanted to say, when I did try I kind of froze up. I'm not sure why.

We did argue though because he thought I was ignoring him and maybe I was because I was just thinking. He kept asking why I was acting weird. He went on the whole regardless of what you may think I do care about you, and I like talking to you (I always vent to him) and seeing you. I just told him no he doesn't. Ahhh I'm such a fool =[

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX He went on the whole regardless of what you may think I do care about you, and I like talking to you (I always vent to him) and seeing you. I just told him no he doesn't. Ahhh I'm such a fool =[

That may very well be true. The thing is, it doesn't matter. You aren't getting what you need, and it's hurting you and preventing you from being happy. You don't have to justify yourself to him, or argue about whether or not he really does care about you. The "relationship" is hurting you, and that's all the justification you need.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I get what you mean. It's like someone CAN care about you but still do stupid stuff that hurts you =[

 

[Tashona Helena]

Wow...I had a B....like that. Stop, before it gets out of control, and you get too wrapped up by his games and leave the situation feeling helpless. It hurts, trust me I know. When I left it alone, omg....but I feel like I would be 10x better if I left it alone 4 months ago rather than just 4 weeks ago...I messed up my job, friendships, and everything over him. And I gave excuses just like you did. But when it all comes down to it, guys like that are never any good for a girl like you, who deserves a relationship.

We used to have sex, he would deny me to people, say that I was crazy (to his girlfriend, who he did the same thing to last year). It came a long way from in the summer time when he was actually bragging to people that he was having sex with me. His gf ended up breaking up with him, and he threatened me and tried to make it seem like it was all MY fault. Yea, it was my fault you lead me to believe you were single, and kept opening up contact with me even though you had a gf, and wanting to keep having sex with me. Yahh makes sense. Not. Anyway wat I'm trying to say these situations...just never work. I've not only seen it with me, but with my gay guy friends. If he had intentions to date you from day one, he would.. I'm sorry, I know it hurts girl I'm here for you along other Specktra girlies if you need to talk.

 

[blindpassion]

^ If hes doing stupid stuff that hurts you then he doesn't care about you.

Thats like saying my husband loves me so he hits me.

Its an oxymoron, it doesn't work that way.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Tashona Helena: Yep that guy you were involved with sounds just like another B! What a frickin douche seriously! It just makes me feel so hopeless about men period really all this drama and messiness. =[

Blindpassion: To be completely honest I think I'm seriously use to being hurt by people who I care about and "care" about me. It's like it gets to the point where I kind of expect it ya no? Recently I've just lost two friends of mines. One was this guy that we'll call D, who I've also known for years and helped me out with alot of things but he also ripped me off and lied to me about helping me get a job. I think it was all just to use me to get closer to my friend that we will call S, who works at the same place as him. According to S (who've we've considered eachother as best friends since 2nd grade and have a strong relationship) she thinks he's weird and is interested in another guy at work, Matt. Well when I brought the situation up to S in the beginning she completely agreed that I had every right to be upset with D for the things that he had done. But later on for some reason when I brought the situation up again S all of the sudden is backing him up! She would make excuses for him and try to defend him when clearly he was the one in the wrong. I'm not sure why that happened. But I ended the convo with S asap because I didn't want to argue and say something hurtful and ruin our friendship. We haven't spoken in 2 weeks now =/ I just kind of lost one of the very few people I could just vent and talk to about practically anything. And I guess with B, I dont want to lose another person that I could just go to and be completely ME and talk and be listened to. I have huge trust issues and it takes alot for someone to gain my trust I guess for me to tell them about every aspect of my life, to really allow someone to get inside and know me. I hope Im not making more excuses for me.

My mothers also been dealing with some major health problems too, and my dad also isn't the healthiest man alive. It's just one issue onto of another and another, its never ending! I feel like I'm at my very lowest point right now.

 

[sweetbabyblue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dahlia_Rayn Girl, you're young, you can do better then him. He's using the hell out of you!

Blunt, but I agree with the other girls who said that you're giving him a good deal. He's said he doesn't want a commitment and he's made his stance clear. I doubt that a relationship will come out of this and you might just be causing yourself more pain.
Because he's already told you he's not looking for a relationship, by being with him you're agreeing to giving up the 'rights' of being a gf.
You can still try and be normal friends instead of friends with benefits, then you won't feel like you're giving up your friendship too (though I wouldn't try to do this straightaway, that would be way too difficult)?