Can I honestly let it all go and JUST have sex?

[X4biddenxLustX]

I just hate that I can't get the notion of "oh maybe if I do this or that" then he'll realize that he'll want commitment. Its like I'm in constant denial! But I do know in the back of my mind that honestly he doesn't want the things that I want. And that he doesn't ever want those things with me, it would just kill me if I left and later bump into him with another girl...does anyone know what I mean? I guess I have mega jealousy issues too =[

I do agree that just being friends right now would be way too hard. I doubt that we could ever be just that cause there's like 5 years of emotions and history between us.

 

[Tashona Helena]

^Yeah I was exactly where you're at. I was so bad I would ASK him what I could do for things to be different between us. I had got a piercing for my birthday that I was in love with until he said it was disgusting (he hadn't seen it or anything, I had just told him because I was excited I went through with it) and he tore me down, then tried to apologize wen he saw it upset me. Yea cause I would be ok with anyone calling me disgusting! Just like my B, he probably has underlying issues, pass problems that will never allow him to be successfully committed to anyone anyway so don't even worry if you "bump into him" with a new girl. Cause you see from with my B, he wasn't even faithful to his new girl. Ugh guys like this just grind my gears. Yea, don't even try to be friends with him. I tried that too because we worked together, but in the end ugh, never worked on either parts...just things he would say to me sexually/teasing...we're supposed to be friends! Once that barrier's crossed its hard to go back with all the history.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

B never seemed to say anything negative about me physically and I guess I really loved that because I've put on a lot of weight due to stress and lifestyle changes since I graduated school. So my weights been and always has been a very touchy subject for me. I would comment every now and then about how heavy I was getting and he would get so irritated and mad at me everytime it would come out. Then he would go on the whole your tiny regardless rant. I wont lie, it def made me feel a bit nicer.

BUT he has made some comments about other things, I'm not sure if they should be taken seriously but they do irk me sometimes. Like I got new glasses not too long ago and there really nice and everyone seems to like them too but him. He said they were "weird" and that he just didn't like the way they looked. Never gave me a more specific reason for his dislike. Then he would ask me if I was gonna stop wearing contact lenses for good. I told him no but that I'd wear them both from now on. Before I had gotten glasses I only wore colored contacts (Freshlook colorblends in turquoise most of the time) and he would tell me that he thought I looked better with my natural eye color because "how many asians do you see running around with green eyes", he said. Same issue with me wanting to change my hair color up a bit, he would say no I like you the way you are already and would tell me how unnatural the hair color I wanted would be.

 

[kaexbabey]

i'm just gonna be straight up and blunt like the other girls, but i COMPLETELY agree that you are giving up all gf "rights" and all that by agreeing to his wanting sex only and no real commitment. by always giving in to the sex, it makes him think you're ok with your guys' "title" (or lack of a title, actually), even when you try to talk to him about wanting a title sometimes.

yeah, he listens to you and all that like what a bf would do, but you could get that from just a friend too.

i know how you feel about growing sexually comfortable w/ a guy. but it would be SO much better if it were with a guy who you loved and loved you back. bc after the sex, you wont feel like crap like you were just used.

i really think you should give him up .. HIS loss!

 

[sweetbabyblue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX it would just kill me if I left and later bump into him with another girl...does anyone know what I mean? I guess I have mega jealousy issues too =[

I know what you mean, but the way things are right now, that situation can very much happen anyway because he's not willing to commit himself to you.

 

[kaexbabey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetbabyblue I know what you mean, but the way things are right now, that situation can very much happen anyway because he's not willing to commit himself to you.

EXACTLY

 

[MissMochaXOXO]

dont let sex ruin ur life! u are so young, u need to move on b4 u end up so jaded that u'll never understand what a good man is or what a healthy relationshp is(if thats what u want). u can have good sex with a man that u love and who loves u back. u'll never be happy in this situation.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Wow I feel soo blind. It's like there was a lot that I wasn't seeing or realizing with him. Thanks for pointing it out ladies. It's just that sometimes you need someone from the outsides opinion on a situation ya no? I use to go to my friends but our relationships been rocky and they've gotten tired of listening about him whenever something goes wrong.

EVEN if me and him were in a relationship, I'd have to admit that it wouldn't be a good one. We tend to argue a lot and there were times where I just "expected" him to hit me or something. I'm not going to say its his fault completely when it comes to our fights I can be a little instigator too but he has some pretty nasty things to me. It's a lose lose situation, whether or whether not were together it still would be bad.

Would it be crazy for me to say that I DON'T want another romantic relationship or anything again? And that I'd actually prefer to just be sexually comfortable with someone instead (not talking about B here). I'm utterly scared to be honest to put myself out there emotionally again. I've been through so much crap with men and just people in general that even at a young age I just dont want to deal with it again. I have the worst track record with men.

 

[sweetbabyblue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX Wow I feel soo blind. It's like there was a lot that I wasn't seeing or realizing with him. Thanks for pointing it out ladies. It's just that sometimes you need someone from the outsides opinion on a situation ya no? I use to go to my friends but our relationships been rocky and they've gotten tired of listening about him whenever something goes wrong. EVEN if me and him were in a relationship, I'd have to admit that it wouldn't be a good one. We tend to argue a lot and there were times where I just "expected" him to hit me or something. I'm not going to say its his fault completely when it comes to our fights I can be a little instigator too but he has some pretty nasty things to me. It's a lose lose situation, whether or whether not were together it still would be bad. Would it be crazy for me to say that I DON'T want another romantic relationship or anything again? And that I'd actually prefer to just be sexually comfortable with someone instead (not talking about B here). I'm utterly scared to be honest to put myself out there emotionally again. I've been through so much crap with men and just people in general that even at a young age I just dont want to deal with it again. I have the worst track record with men.

Sometimes it does help to have people outside to tell you what they think because they're not feeling the emotions that you are and can sometimes see things more clearly.

I don't think you're crazy for not wanting another romantic relationship, you've just had some very bad experiences. But I would say that giving up on it completely would be sad. There is so much to gain if you choose to take that risk again. Maybe take a break for awhile, and sometimes when you're not looking for it it will come to you (cheesy I know!)

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

^^Thats why I love having a therapist. Lol they get paid to hear me bitch and point out the obvious that I can't see. Call me silly but I actually like listening to peoples issue, most of the time lol. Like I just want to find a way to help them or something.

A part of me really thinks that I'm not quite made for relationships or anything so serious with emotions involved. I had a discussion about this with someone a few weeks ago and she agreed that the both of us just aren't made for this type of thing really. I kind of miss the old COMPLETELY single carefree days with no drama or mess. Maybe I should just take advantage of that while I'm still young and free?

 

[sweetbabyblue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX A part of me really thinks that I'm not quite made for relationships or anything so serious with emotions involved. I had a discussion about this with someone a few weeks ago and she agreed that the both of us just aren't made for this type of thing really. I kind of miss the old COMPLETELY single carefree days with no drama or mess. Maybe I should just take advantage of that while I'm still young and free?

Yes, definately enjoy it while you still can, you're still young and there's no reason to be tied up.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

^^ I know! I've seen a ton of my friends who are all pretty close to my age get into "serious relationships" that just came with a million issues. They'd just fight all the time and it was just horrible. I always told myself that I wouldn't be in this same situation cause it wasn't worth the mess but now that I see that I HAVE been in this same situation without even being in a relationship.

 

[kaexbabey]

i definitely agree you should just take a break from men for a while. maybe even a long while. maybe since you've "been" w/ B for so long, its really messed up ur emotions and made you feel self conscious and unconfident. focus on YOU, learn to love yourself once again. and once u do, you'll know when a guy is worth it and he'll know YOUR worth cuz u'll put urself first.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Guys have ALWAYS made my life complicated so yeah its def going to feel better just being "myself" again and not his gf or his bootycall or whatever.

 

[foxykita143]

Yeah seriously. I wouldnt say to completely cut relationships out of you life, though. I mean, if any of us look back we could all say that we've had a bad track record, but if you really look back, you'll remember that you were younger, or you were with a guy you knew wasn't good, or you were holding onto something that was over months ago. I'm guessing most of us have been through this, but it's all because it's hard to go out of your comfort zone and try something new, or it's difficult to change some things you do. Don't ever let a guy ruin the chances of a new guy who *could* be completely innocent. Please believe my ex was a complete NIGHTMARE, I mean like mentally abusive, tiptoing the line of physically abusive, and a major stalker, but I didn't let him ruin anything. I didn't go out looking for a replacement (easiest thing to do, but not the best idea), but I did go out with an open mind, and just focused on myself, and lo and behold, I met my current boyfriend (totally random) who is turning out to be a very good catch

Anyway, my advice to you is to not sell yourself short. Of course everyone has issues and problems, but whats that got to do with you? It is sooo normal for people to have committment issues, and for him to use that as an excuse to hurt you (intentionally or not) is wrong. He can't make you pay for others mistakes, it's not fair, and he can't expect you to give him what he wants if he wont meet you halfway. You seem like a really nice girl, and you don't deserve to be treated this way, so please dont let yourself get played anymore by this fool.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

^^I know completely about crazy psycho ex's. I ran into many because I guess when I was younger my standards weren't really good. I had be scolded by some friends about being too shallow when I told them my expectations for guy, so I just kind of LOWERED my standards a lot and hence that's how all the losers entered my life. I also use to be the kind of girl who was constantly in a relationship, always getting together breaking up and then finding another guy not too long afterward. All the responses I got keep making me look deeper inside myself. And I guess I did all of that simply cause I was just bored, I needed excitement constantly and I just wanted to be "liked" too.

As for his commitment issues, I do believe that they really may be there cause he really has lost some loved ones. But the thing that I didn't get was that wouldn't those people want him to in a sense kind of move on and be happy? Not just with me but with anyone. It's just like he's staying in the past in a way if that makes any sense. B also seems to be "emotionally slow or handicapped", like sometimes I wonder if he's capable of feeling anything besides the VERY basic human emotions like happy and angry. It's just like black and white, no shades of grey when it comes to emotions most of the time.

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX As for his commitment issues, I do believe that they really may be there cause he really has lost some loved ones. But the thing that I didn't get was that wouldn't those people want him to in a sense kind of move on and be happy? Not just with me but with anyone. It's just like he's staying in the past in a way if that makes any sense. B also seems to be "emotionally slow or handicapped", like sometimes I wonder if he's capable of feeling anything besides the VERY basic human emotions like happy and angry. It's just like black and white, no shades of grey when it comes to emotions most of the time.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Those are bullshit excuses. Stop trying to rationalize why he treats you like shit. He's manipulating you, and the sooner you realise that the sooner you can start healing.

Harsh, I know. But I really want you to be able to be happy and fulfilled, and that isn't going to happen while you continue to accept being treated like this.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

It's not harsh at all, it's just honest. It just sucks though cause I still think about him a lot. My friends have tried the whole trying to rationalize everything he does whenever I use to tell them about whatever he did that upset me. I would always think maybe this, maybe that with him whenever he would so something stupid. I too have gotten use to accepting whatever his "reasons" are and making excuses for him too.

 

[foxykita143]

Well I mean it's hard as hell not too try to make sense out of shit like that when you care a lot about someone. And giiirl I know all to well about the standards thing. I had a friend that was extremely shallow and it made me so mad that I didn't want to be like that so I ended up with lower standards (go Me! lol jk) and then I obviously didn't end up with the catches of the day...week...month. Anyway, I understand the whole thing about him dealing with loss because my ex-fiance had lost a craaazy amount of people in his life, I mean it seemed like everyone he would talk about passed away or something, and it was something that he and I both used as an excuse. But then I got to thinking, how come all of this only comes into play when it comes to him being a good man to me? Or how come I'm sitting here convincing myself that this is some kind of legit reason as to why he is the way he is? There comes a point where the excuses go on for too long. Guys are such little kids its ridiculous. They want to act all manly all the time but when the time calls for them to man up, most of them dont come through. I dont know, I mean you probably still talk to him so my advice would be to just straight put his ass on the spot like "Stop playing mother f*cker, I want some f*ckin answers. Now." and see where it goes. The best way to be is straightforward, and even if you guys dont technically have that kind of relationship he's stupid if he really tries to act clueless because you both know its a lot deeper than that.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxykita143 Well I mean it's hard as hell not too try to make sense out of shit like that when you care a lot about someone. And giiirl I know all to well about the standards thing. I had a friend that was extremely shallow and it made me so mad that I didn't want to be like that so I ended up with lower standards (go Me! lol jk) and then I obviously didn't end up with the catches of the day...week...month. Anyway, I understand the whole thing about him dealing with loss because my ex-fiance had lost a craaazy amount of people in his life, I mean it seemed like everyone he would talk about passed away or something, and it was something that he and I both used as an excuse. But then I got to thinking, how come all of this only comes into play when it comes to him being a good man to me? Or how come I'm sitting here convincing myself that this is some kind of legit reason as to why he is the way he is? There comes a point where the excuses go on for too long. Guys are such little kids its ridiculous. They want to act all manly all the time but when the time calls for them to man up, most of them dont come through. I dont know, I mean you probably still talk to him so my advice would be to just straight put his ass on the spot like "Stop playing mother f*cker, I want some f*ckin answers. Now." and see where it goes. The best way to be is straightforward, and even if you guys dont technically have that kind of relationship he's stupid if he really tries to act clueless because you both know its a lot deeper than that.

I know, I remember back in the day it didn't matter who the guy was. As long as he was interested in me and was appealing to look at. Horrible thing to base any relationship on! But I just needed that sense of being wanted so badly at that point in my life that I just didn't care.

I feel as this there is just an excuse after another one and another one. I don't like living in the maybe, I like KNOWING whats going on and everything. I seriously hate surprises, good or bad period. I need to know always whats going on! There's just way too much uncertainty for me and it drives me insane. It just adds on to the extreme anxiety I already have to deal with. I've tried real hard to get to the point and be blunt, but omg I just keep stalling for some reason. I know he can sense it and I know that he knows what I'm thinking whenenver I'm acting weird. And last time this happened he just said "I care about you despite what you think, and thats all I can say." It's just not good enough for me, I just want so much more than "I care about you and want to be friends." I've even gotten to the point where I had to ask myself, can a man really love someone else besides himself? Or is it just a ploy to try to get into my pants or whatever?