Drug Problem

[jeannette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eye<3Colour o im sorry sweetie, i didnt mean that as ill will towards you. i was just stating that as, i heard that over and over when i was poppin pills from weed smokers. and i would get totally annoyed because these people were preaching to me about drugs, yet they were doing the same damn thing. im sorry if you took that personally. i really do hope you can help your friend and she can get the help that she needs..

Eye<3Colour, actually I thought you had a valid point, and that you're brave for speaking up.

From a third person's point of view at least, I didn't think you meant ill will of any kind. None of us do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mspixieears Slight aside in relation to weed, it's most definitely not a 'soft' drug; I know some people who even when they smoke it chronically, they refuse to drive, saying it's worse than drink driving! I once was seeing someone who was a chronic weed smoker and it turned him into this nasty, paranoid person who just picked fights with everyone, he even got violent sometimes. He was perfectly sweet when straight but near unrecognisable once he lit up. Still gives me shivers thinking about it.

Like SonRisa pointed out, alcohol and cigarettes are intoxicants/drugs in some sense. Much depends on how we define drugs and how people use them. Point is, some kinds of drugs are very bad all the time (like heroin), some kinds of drugs are not as bad sometimes (for instance, pain relievers like morphine/weed, or cough medicines like Codeine). But all are bad when abused. Just my humble opinion

- I mean no harm!

 

[vloky]

I abandoned my best friend (of 10+ years!) when she was at a bad point, but that's because I was/still am a recovering meth head and can not be around my friends/talk to them/have anything to do with them when they are heavily into drugs. Because it makes it more likely for me to relapse (and I have 3 times since quitting..

) but she found it in herself to check into rehab. Maybe interventions work sometimes. But myself and everyone else I know whos ever had a problem, it only worked once we have realized it on our own. Anybody I know who has been "forced" into rehab (by the courts, or whatever) has failed in their recovery attempts..

 

[maclay]

I'm kinda late to this conversation, and I know a lot of this was probably already mentioned, but-

1) She can't change until she's ready. You can present her with the facts, but until she's ready to quit, the facts are kind of "warp-able" if that makes any sense. Like, she can fit them to be anything she wants them to be, anything to hold onto it being OK for her to use coke.

2) Why is she using coke? What's missing in her life? Does she need to be reminded of all the positives she has to live (cleanly) for? I think of addictions like this: First, when people are just trying out drugs, it's generally for recreation, and they fit it into their social lives. With regular, continued use, some people progress to the point where all of the great things in their life drop away and their lives revolve around their next hit. Eventually, it's all they can think about and their brains have no space for anything else. To an addicted person, drugs have lots of benefits- for example, coke can provide boundless energy and weight loss. So some people need to be reminded of the perks of staying clean. For her, it might be custody of her son, and you know, not dying prematurely. What happens when her need to be using supercedes her need to care for her kid?

3) It's all about the environment. It's going to be hard on her to hang out with her friends who use when she's trying to clean up. At the same time, she needs the support friends provide, which sucks. That leads into my next point...

4) What I would do (and have done) in your position: I would try to be as supportive as I can, and provide company and activities wherein using coke isn't "the norm". I wouldn't argue with her over whether or not she has an addiction, because she knows the facts too- and denial is a really amazing defense mechanism. There is research supporting that a "confrontational" approach isn't really as effective as we once thought in addictions treatment. I wouldn't condone what she's doing either though. I would seek out resources in my community for when she's ready to quit. Addictions issues really need to be dealt with by a counsellor (that might just be my bias though).

I know it sucks- when I was in your situation, I felt helpless and scared. I almost started to take on some the blame myself (because that's just kind of how I am) but then I just started to remind myself that I'm not responsible for the actions of another. I'm also trying to be prepared if she (my pal) begins to backslide and we to have to go through it all again. Backsliding happens. Drugs suck.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[jokers_kick]

urghhh this is a really tough spot to be in. I've been in it MANY times. Firstly, like a couple people already said, you can't make her stop, she has to be ready. I went through addiction awhile back and I hope never to go through it again. I tried quitting for reasons other than because I wanted to. Finally I realized that I was becomming what I had always had nightmares about. So I dropped everything and I've been clean for a looooong time.

Basically, talking to her will help you cope with it, but she may not get the idea. Sometimes an addict won't care about even those that are close when it comes to drugs. Its a sad reality :[.

Ever since I quit, I've been in your situation twice...and all I can say is to talk to her to releive some of your stress, then just wait for her to open up more about it, and give her support. If she doesn't want it then don't force it upon her because that usually makes things worse.

good luck! I wish life weren't so complicated sometimes...:

:

 

[xxElusivexx]

I lost my very best friend to this sh*t. We were very close for many, many years. I have never felt so comfortable with someone in my entire life. They started Ecstasy and it went on from there. In the ecstacy stage, he turned to "needing" it every time he went out. He absolutely couldn't go without it. Eventually, I couldn't handle it any more- Drugs or me was his choice. His very best friend, the person he told he could never live without was left behind for this junk. He couldn't give it up. He used to have everything going for him and now he's lost it all.

My advice would be, give her the choice of you or her drugs. If she cares about you it will be good for the both of you. If she is too far gone, let her go. Call someone about her child and say goodbye. This may sound selfish but coming from personal experience, you need to look after yourself in this situation. It was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life leaving him and that's why I left it so late. The arguments get worse and the friendship deteriorates to nothing. Drugs change people. Once they are addicted they are no longer the same person. It took me too long to accept that the old friend was gone, and to start moving on. Because I waited so long, I was hurt aswell. You really get dragged down with them without even realising.

Give her the option to stop, if she doesn't then say goodbye. Good luck and I know how hard this is..

 

[andrialyn]

Oh honey. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know this is late in the post, and I skimmed through alot of the messages so if I repeat anything I apologize. From what I have read, I agree with the advice everyone has given. Mainly the fact that she will only quit when she is ready and realizes she has a problem. Ok I have a tendancy to ramble, so bear with me if I do....

I have expierenced alot of problems with drug addiction. I had a stepfather who was an addict in everything he did. Mostly alcohol. He commited suicide almost 11 years ago without ever seeing his problem and left (my half sister) a small child behind. I was young and I don't remember alot about it...
Mainly (and this is so hard to admit) I had a small run with a drug addiction. I met this guy while I was going through a hard time in my life and he introduced me to speed. I was also so disgusted by watching people do it, but I was so naive at this time and before I knew it, it had taken total control of my life. Now, I'll tell you I got addicted because of who I hung out with, and I quit because of who I hung out with. Who you surround your self with is the biggest factor in the choices you make in life. As soon as I was out of that "scene" and not around it, I stopped. So my advice is to take her out and do different things with her anything away from the club scence or people who also engage in that activity, and while its good for you to tell her how dangerous it is and how bad it is for her, when you do go out, just try to have fun and let her see other things in life. I know from expereince a drug addict will always try to justify why they use it, b/c mostly they don't see it as something is wrong. so if you are constantly on her about it she might have resentment towards you and be uncomforatble. (people may disagree with that but IMO there is always a time and place for different things, sometimes you just have to heal a little bit.) Now I know its hard for people who are truly addicted and have been for a long time. Mine only lasted 4 months and I was able to stop. But in all honesty I never thought I had a problem and when I look back at it I'm blown away.
So you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink right?
Lastly if you have tried everything and nothing works, and you still want to be her friend, let her hit rock bottom (b/c sometimes it the only way as sad as it is) and be there to help her pick up the pieces, help her heal and start a new and healthy life. To me that is one of the truest and hardest part of a friendship- to accept someones downfalls and to help them be a better person no matter the mistakes they have made.
If you need anything, or want to ask anything please don't hesitate!

 

[littlemakeupboy]

I don't know what I would do the be honest,I'm not good in those situations or with confrontation
My roommate colin is a heroin addict,he's getting better and doesn't use anymore,but still considered an addict.
I saw how much he hurt my friend by using and acting the way he would while he was using,he put my friend,his girlfriend through alot,no one should have to deal with a bf/gf let alone a friend or friend or family member using any kind of drug,
he was back home in new york for a while doing ok but as soon as he moved back here he started using again,he went on methadone,which makes it that you can get a high if you use,he's been clean for almost four months now

i was completly uncomfortable with this situation because i've never done drugs and i never will,so be around someone who does them especially an addict made me feel way uncomfortable,i understand exactly what you feel like

the only thing i can say is point out to her that she won't only hurt herself,but also her friends and family esp. her daughter,by using coke.She probably doesn't seem that right now,honestly not be to rude but people who use drugs are usually selfish people who use them as an
escape,she just needs some sense knocked into her

 

[Chelly]

ive been in your place - a friend of mine used to sneak it SO much behind my back it was disgusting. i have pictures of her when she was a serious junkbox and she was about 89lbs.. 5'3" tall.. thats gross. she was all bones. anyways i knew she did it but i didnt knwo it was that bad until she called me up hysterical crying. i went to her house and she was sweating like a pig, crying, makeup and shit all over her face. she blew half an 8ball the night before, hadn't gone to sleep and was goign through some sick withdrawal. right then we both decided that she needed to go to rehab. so she went to live with her mother in a diff state and went to an out patient rehab and shes all good now.. that was almost a year ago

sometimes theres nothing you can do until a person hits rock bottom. im nto saying you shoiuld leave her alone and let her do what she wants but just keep an eye on her.. if she goes to the bathroom every 5 mins.. she is def doing something else than peeing. if she starts doin it during the week.. id say thats the start of somethin to worry about.

tell her that if she considered you her friend and cared about you then shed care about what you think.

hope everything works out <33

 

[giz2000]

When I was in graduate school, I did an internship at a drug rehab...your friend has to want to stop using in order for her to do so. If she does not see a problem, she'll keep using. It's difficult to stand by and watch her destroy her life, but sometimes you have to do just that. Hopefully, she'll hit bottom soon and realize the harm she's doing, not just to herself, but to her son and friends and the people that surround her. You can tell her that you'll be there for her when she needs your support, but I would gently back away until she's ready...

Keep us posted...

 

[nobella]

something like that happened to me within the last year. my friend was into a lot of "bad" stuff and i loved her but i couldnt deal with her problems and mine and everthing that happened to her it effected me and after a few times of the cops calling my house i decided that i couldnt have her in my life anymore. sometimes i regret ending my friendship with her and i still love her but i know that my life would be extremely different if she was still in it and i dont think that i would have liked the person i would've become if i was still around her. i just wish i could've ended things better with her. so what im trying to say is that dont end your friendship w/ her just try and fix things because i know you will end up missing her like no other just stick it out and try and get her help

 

[Julia Vanhorn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbeabitch I can say this because there was a similar situation that I have been involved in. The only difference was there was a 7 year old boy who was her son and I just remember hearing him knock on our door and I opened it and saw this boy bleeding and we got him to tell us his mom had done it and my husband went over there and we tried interventions and instead of going home the boy would go to his aunts or to our house after school and then one day for some odd reason he was with her in a car and they got into a wreck. The woman was DUI and the poor kid died and she went to the ER. He died on the scene apparently and we both went up there and I remember telling her how selfish she was when I saw her BEFORE the accident and trying to offer help but she refused it. I'll never forget the lady laying in the hospital bed asking where her son was and I was in there, her husband was in there, and the Doctor was in there. The Doctor just said He's dead. She just stared at him and her husband handed her divorce papers and said, " I didn't know our son's life had a street value." She started crying and he left with me just standing there watching her cry.

After I have read this, I literally started crying, and that is saying a lot since I have not cried in like five years.

I definitely know what you are having to go through since I am currently going through this with a friend as well. I agree with everyone that said that the abusers have to realize their addictions and want to quit for themselves. There are two ways that you can deal with this. One way is to be her friend through the whole thing and hope that one day she will realize how she is hurting everyone else. Maybe you could really start to hang out with her in your spare time and engage in activities that you would normally do with her excluding the ones that she has access to such as the clubs and with people that doing similar drugs. The second way that you could do is give her an ultimatum of your friendship and hope she will see that you mean a lot to her. Talk with her parents and see if they will take temporary custody by force of her son until she has sober long enough to not relaspe so soon. If doing this, be sure to tell her that she cannot have her son back until she is completely sober, and that she cannot compromise with this action. I know that the latter may sound harsh but it would probably be more effectice. The last thing I want to hear is having what happen to her son from what I quoted above. No child should have to deal with that and suffer from any drug abuser's consequences.

 

[jenjunsan]

While on the outside, I am seeing the same situation happen across the street from me. This woman is an aquaintence of mine, but our children have gotten to be friends since she moved in last year. To preface, I am a 33 married mother of a 8 year old daughter. She is a single mother of a 9 year old son. I highly respected her since she seemed to work very hard to afford a house in our neighborhood. While not a highly afluent neighborhood, it is know as the neighborhood that has the highest ranking elementary school in the district which is why most of the young parents like us buy here. As a single mother affording a house in this neighborhood, I was astounded! As a single person there was no way I could have afforded a home here. THEN we started to see the cars come and going and the gossip started. We found out she was doing all sorts of things out of her home. I love her son to death, but he has serious behavior issues from her neglect of him. I seriously want to call child protective services, but I am afraid in our state he will end up worse off. If I did not have a daughter, I would take him in, but he has been too aggresive, maybe if I had a son. In the end I feel NO sympathy for the addict, it is the child I feel sorry for.

 

[SonRisa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maclay To an addicted person, drugs have lots of benefits- for example, coke can provide boundless energy and weight loss. So some people need to be reminded of the perks of staying clean. For her, it might be custody of her son, and you know, not dying prematurely. What happens when her need to be using supercedes her need to care for her kid? provide company and activities wherein using coke isn't "the norm". I wouldn't argue with her over whether or not she has an addiction, because she knows the facts too- and denial is a really amazing defense mechanism.

This makes so much sense. I know she was and for the most part continues to be depressed because she gained weight when she was pregnant with her son. And she's always had body image issues. She's never had an eating disorder that I was aware of (I did, but not her) but has always been concerned about her weight. She's 5'8 and naturally has a somewhat larger bone structure. Not that she's fat, she's never been someone anyone would identify as "fat" because her height keeps her balanced out (IMO at least). I know she also has a strong tendency to be depressed and towards anxiety. We were both on anti-depressants in highschool and afterwards. And she used to be on anti-anxiety medicine because she'd have panic attacks.

About providing an atomsphere where coke is not needed/being used . . .that's the problem, I feel like she incorporates coke into everything. Our other friend wanted to have a low-key birthday. No club, no real drinking, nothing. Just dinner (with maybe a few drinks) and then bowling. This girl took upon herself to not only take multiple shots of patron and have 3 drinks, but she didn't eat at dinner, and did coke in the bathroom (which I didn't catch onto until later). After dinner (actually before it was over), she and another girl (who I didn't even know did coke) were gonna run to her house to go get something before going to the bowling alley. I went with them not knowing. We get inside the girls house and her and my friend start doing lines. I'm like WTF. But I didn't say anything. I was just glad I brought my own car so I didn't have to drive with them. THEN, once we got to the bowling alley, she had 3 more drinks and I caught her doing coke in the bathroom with a different girl that was out with us. I mean, seriously. The whol point was it was supposed to be a low key night. We were supposed to fucking bowl. Not do lines in the bathroom.

 

[SonRisa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julia Vanhorn After I have read this, I literally started crying, and that is saying a lot since I have not cried in like five years. I definitely know what you are having to go through since I am currently going through this with a friend as well. I agree with everyone that said that the abusers have to realize their addictions and want to quit for themselves. There are two ways that you can deal with this. One way is to be her friend through the whole thing and hope that one day she will realize how she is hurting everyone else. Maybe you could really start to hang out with her in your spare time and engage in activities that you would normally do with her excluding the ones that she has access to such as the clubs and with people that doing similar drugs. The second way that you could do is give her an ultimatum of your friendship and hope she will see that you mean a lot to her. Talk with her parents and see if they will take temporary custody by force of her son until she has sober long enough to not relaspe so soon. If doing this, be sure to tell her that she cannot have her son back until she is completely sober, and that she cannot compromise with this action. I know that the latter may sound harsh but it would probably be more effectice. The last thing I want to hear is having what happen to her son from what I quoted above. No child should have to deal with that and suffer from any drug abuser's consequences.

I was considering talking to her parents about it, but found out recently that her mom does coke with her sometimes. Nice, right? What a happy family . . .And the thing is, although drugs can affect anyone - you don't have to look a certain way or be a certain ethnicity, seriously, their family has always seemed to be the most "stable" out of all of my friends (mine included). They live in a nice house, in a semi-wealthy area. Her mom is a top engineer for PG&E and almost a millionaire (if not already). She was one my friends I always envied growing up because her parents bought her the car she wanted, would let her go out and take one of their cars (before they bought it for her), would pretty much give her whatever she wanted. We always had parties at her house and her parents were cool with us drinking and smoking as long as we stayed at the house (so they knew we weren't out driving) They were the "cool" parents. Looking back, now that I'm 25, I see the problem with that. But I would have never ever in a million years thought her mom would be doing coke with her.

 

[jenjunsan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SonRisa I was considering talking to her parents about it, but found out recently that her mom does coke with her sometimes. Nice, right? What a happy family . . .And the thing is, although drugs can affect anyone - you don't have to look a certain way or be a certain ethnicity, seriously, their family has always seemed to be the most "stable" out of all of my friends (mine included). They live in a nice house, in a semi-wealthy area. Her mom is a top engineer for PG&E and almost a millionaire (if not already). She was one my friends I always envied growing up because her parents bought her the car she wanted, would let her go out and take one of their cars (before they bought it for her), would pretty much give her whatever she wanted. We always had parties at her house and her parents were cool with us drinking and smoking as long as we stayed at the house (so they knew we weren't out driving) They were the "cool" parents. Looking back, now that I'm 25, I see the problem with that. But I would have never ever in a million years thought her mom would be doing coke with her.

You know, I have found from living in my "perfect" neighborhood with the "perfect" schools that the home life of lots of the kids around here are far from "perfect". Of course you thought they were cool when you were teenagers. I LOVED pot when I was that age too and mostly thrived on it at those parents houses that my parents thought looked "perfect". Looks can be very deceiving and social status has absolutely nothing to do with drug abuse. Luckily, I left that far behind so many years ago (I am 33 and have not touched an illegal drug since I was 18 or 19). But my point is, if her family is taking part, there is not much you can do for her. There comes a time when you have to decide if you want that a part of your life or not. It is really hard when it is someone you grew up with because you remember how it used to be, but you cannot and I repeat CANNOT save them from themselves until they hit rock bottom and do it for themselves. It may mean ending the friendship for now. Best case, she will find her way out of it and you can be friends again. Worst case, she will drag herself down to the depths or even worse, end her life. But you shouldn't allow yourself to be dragged down with her. If you have done all you can do, you should not feel guilty. Drugs are more powerful than we realize and once they take hold, sometimes the deepest love cannot save someone. I know that sounds really dire, but it's the truth and I don't want to see you pulled down with it. Remember, any time she has it in a vehicle with you, you are at the risk of being arrested. Is it worth it? God bless you and your friend!