How my family ruined my birthday

[rbella]

Adina,
I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. I know it sucks and it is such a terrible feeling when family treats you shitty. Please remember that it is not written in stone that we must get along with our family nor is it a requirement that you even like them as human beings. You will always have that "familial bond" that ties you to them, but keep in mind that you wouldn't pick certain people as your friends, why would you choose to spend time with people you would otherwise never associate with just because they are your "family"?

I know that sounds harsh and the reality is we should all be able to get along and have a loving relationship with our loved ones. But, in circumstances like yours and Susanne's, it is always important to remember that you are not a bad person or somehow damaged as a human being just because you have less than stellar family members. That is their problem, not yours. Unfortunately, they are taking this out on you. Please keep reminding yourself of all the good that you do, of all the people that love you and of all the lives (like mine!) you have touched. It doesn't necessarily have to be blood relations that bind you.....

 

[Krasevayadancer]

Update:
So I emailed my sister at work today to confide in her and tell her how hurt and disappointed I am in all of this. She apologized for me feeling well, and asked me if I still wanted to do something. Wanting to make amends, I agreed and felt a bit better...

Fast forward to tonight. First my mother calls my aunt to complain about how i was being a brat. How i insisted on only going to one restaurant..

Then my sister calls. Not only did my sister rat me out and mockingly tell my mother everything i confided in her about, but she took it up a step and called me childish, hypocritical, selfish and every other nasty name you can think of. She even said, don't tell Adina... I feel betrayed, livid, furious, upset, and devastated all at once.

Then they belittle my boyfriend. Mockingly said he threw me a half assed party and didn't get me anything (he is taking me shopping for my gift because I originally didn't know what I want). So not only do they bash me, they bash him as well...

I am a mess right now

 

[TISH1124]

Adina How awful....and so what if he didn't spend a lot of money on a gift...he threw you a party and made you feel special...that is priceless and what birthdays are about...being made to feel special...I really don't have any idea what to say other than I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I have never dealt with sisters and mothers who pit each other against each other in this manner...My mom and my sister would never....It is so WRONG !!

 

[Willa]

Haaa poor Adina, I'm so sorry this happened to you

This kind of situation might happen more often than we think.
As it was said in this thread before, you can't control what others do, how they act with you and such... but you can choose what affects you.

I lived all my life in a negative family.
I was told not to react, not to say a thing, I was told to take it as it was and shut up because it was like that and it wasnt going to change.

The second you decide not to let all this affect you, you'll see how much ''weight'' lift from your shoulders. Live your life the way you intend it and do not let anything or anyone make you change your mind. Some people, even our family, are conditionned to negativity. All they see, all they do is negative and they wont change their mind because they were raised like that and they ''like'' the way it is, they are scared of the unknown.

When I was going to be 18 I had some expectations for my b-day. I wanted a big party, with all my family and such... It ended up with my parents, grand mother and some people here and there. No cake, no card... My mother thought I would be embarassed to received a card and a cake on my 18th b-day... Sometimes we have expectations in other people, and when things don't happen the way we thought they would, it's shocking. But you know, you can't change them, that's the saddest part.

And sometimes, you also can't understand or know why they act like they do.
Don't waste energy trying to find out, it's going to drain soooo much energy, I did it (for my father's behavior) and I realized that it was such a waste of time, and the worst of it all : I still don't know what's wrong with him!!!

Stay focussed on what you like, what gives you positive energy, on what people like about you, your talent, your carreer and such... One day, you'll move out of their home and you'll feel soooo good about it.

We're here for you, if you need to talk just send someone a message and I'm sure one of us here on Specktra will comfort you. You are a great and loving person, you have to know that.

<3

 

[purrtykitty]

Sweetie, I am so sorry. It tears me up to think that people would do this to their own family...and to someone as wonderful as you.

Please know that there are people out there that do love you, and if I could, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

 

[rbella]

Holy Jesus, that is ridiculous, cruel and downright immature. I'm so sorry, Adina. Perhaps your best move in this situation is to just "shrug 'em off" and move on about your life as if they are as important to you as they made you feel you are to them. Obviously, you cannot trust your sister nor can you trust your mother to be a "safety net". If it were me, I would just keep them at arm's length, deal with them civilly, and know the entire time that I will be getting the hell outta there asap.

Nobody, family or not, is worth the mental anguish this is causing you. I love you, sweetpea. I'm so sorry you have assholes in your family. Just remember that the weekends aren't far away and then you get to leave and see Anthony!

 

[coachkitten]

Adina I wish that I could take all of the pain and hurt you are feeling and magically take it away. You are such a wonderful, smart, driven, kind, and beautiful person. It makes me sick and sad that your family doesn't realize how wonderful you are. I am glad that you have Anthony in your life to support you through all of this. I wish that I had more advice to give you. Just know that you have many people that think you are wonderful and important. I know that many people on Specktra would agree.

I love you tons!!

 

[nunu]

Adina,
Just read your update, i am so sorry

 

[Yagmur]

I am so sorry Adina

I hope everything will be better soon and your Family will understand + love + support you the way you are. Because you're great

 

[wizzer3245]

Adina you really don't deserve this and i'm sorry it's happened to such a nice person

.
Don't worry everyone here is right behind you and willing to listen and support you in anyway they can
I hope this stops, and i hope you feel better soon sweetie

 

[capmorlovesmac]

Your update breaks my heart.

I am so sorry hun!

 

[MACLovin]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

It's so unfair to you, and your boyfriend as well. Have they typically done things for your birthday before and for some reason this year is different? If it's the case of them being jealous you spent your bday with your boyfriend and they are actually criticizing him for making your day special, then WTF??! THEY have issues, not you.

You've done the reasonable thing and confronted them about how much they hurt and disappointed you. And for them to turn around and act like 5-year-olds and talk behind your back is just disgusting. If I were you, I'd just completely ignore them as much as possible. It's obvious that talking things out and being mature about the situation is not going to work.. so give them a taste of their own medicine, so to speak. I would say one last thing to the both of them (mom and sis), something to the effect of "your behavior disgusts me, I can't believe my own family is acting like this." and leave it at that.

See how wonderful they all feel when their birthdays come around and they don't get a daaaaamn thing from you, no card, no gift, nothing.

I'm sorry, sweetie

Happy belated b-day. I'm glad you had a nice party, your boyfriend was very sweet to do that for you.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Krasevayadancer]

Thank you so much to everyone who is responding and offering me support. It is so hard to not let myself be sucked up into this miserable cloud . Unfortunately I only see my boyfriend on weekends, so on weekdays I really can't escape them. I have been ignoring them all, but what gets me is that they will go on thinking they are right and I am the brat. They are all in cahoots with each other and make me the bad person in all of this...

All last night I couldn't stop thinking about it all. Being called a child, my sister at one point mockingly said "the baby wants a present..." I got NOTHING from any of them, and I didn't ask for anything either. Clearly I am not worth the effort.
They called me crazy... immature, and everything else under the sun...

I feel so alone

 

[capmorlovesmac]

You are worth every effort!

You are a wonderful person and you deserve all the best and it hurts.. it physically hurts me too that your family is so cruel to you.

 

[Willa]

Why being soooo mean
I'm trying to understand why people do that to their FAMILY
What's the whole point of doing this to you?

I had a friend back in highschool, her mother was this mean to her
I never understood why, the only reason I found was because she was jealous of her daughter... This is not sane

 

[blindpassion]

Adina, it took me and my mom a really long time to learn this - you can't choose your family, and you don't have to like them, and you don't have to know them.

And thats really hard for some people to accept and appreciate. Because there has always been this stigma that your family is always your family and even if they treat you like SHIT you should put up with it. But in reality, thats not the case. Because, would you let a friend treat you that way? or a stranger? No. You would just be done with them at that moment and never look back! But because they are family, you feel morally obligated (because other people tell you that you should) to put up with the abuse.


My mom, myself, and my dad all stopped talking to my moms side of the family. I was the first to go, being the youngest, I decided that I wasn't going to let anyone emotionally abuse me like that. So, I dropped her from my life. Then my dad did, and finally my mom... after she realized how stressful and sick to her stomach she got everytime she saw her mother, and her mother just spewed all this disrespect and insults to her everytime we were over. It was all too much to take.

And for this, I'm not saying "don't ever speak to your family again" but I am saying, you need to do whats right for your physical and emotional health. Don't worry about what other people think of you, or the situation. How do you want to handle it? Maybe you will speak with them about it, maybe you will take a break from seeing them, or the extreme which is what my family did - break all ties, because it was the healthiest thing for us.

But whatever you do decide to do, remember that your emotional health comes first and foremost. And just because people are your family, doesn't mean they get a free pass to making you feel like shit.

Good luck sweety <3

(ps. getting a B.A. is a big deal. Your mother may not think it is, but it is. Be proud of your accomplishments.)

 

[leenybeeny]

I am just blown away by this. I have to thank my lucky stars for my family. It just breaks my heart hearing how much pain you're in. Come live with me and we with smother you with endless lovin'!!!!

 

[lafemmenoir]

Hmm...you know Adina, I've shared my story to let you know it happens. For my situation, I've put more good energy after bad, and now that I am on my own and financially independent, guess who they need? Rather than look at my life for what it isn't I try to focus on what things, not necessarily material, I have. My health for one, my education, my job, they may mean nothing, but I have it. I don't have an SO because I let those old family wounds get me to the point, i push people away. Don't let that happen to you. They will see you how they see you, if they think you are immature, spoilt, whatever, it's their issue not yours. Look at what you do have, and not what what you wish to be. It will save you this agony. I don't mean to sound cold, it's literally from experience, and being in a really bad upbringing, there is always something or someone worse, take control of your life rather than letting it control you.

 

[LMD84]

i can't beleive how your family are acting now. your update made me so sad because it's the kind of behaviour you would expect when you're 10 years old in a playground. not from your own family.

just remember all of what they say is not true. you seem like a fantastic girl with a hell of alot going for you! as shitty as this is i think that just ignoring your family may be best at the moment. it's hard when you live together (been through it with my dad) but i kept myself in my room most of the time at home if i couldn't go out with friends. maybe you can start saving to get a place with your boyfriend? is renting really expencive where you are?

also please don't feel alone because people do care about you. your boyfriend, friends and deep down i'm sure your family care too even if they don't act like it right now. plus all us lot on specktra are always here to listen!

so try and stay positive and stay active for the moment. i just hope things get better for you soon.

 

[kaliraksha]

Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you- especially from your family and on your birthday weekend. What they did was undeniably immature and uncalled for.

I've learned from my "relationship" with my parents that we don't get to pick our parents, we don't always get what we want... and usually my mom acting a certain way with me is her doing the best thing she knows how... what she grew up with. More than likely whatever she is taking out on you are her own issues of what she thinks you should be like or even jealousy. Regardless, it doesn't matter who it is... don't let someone bring you down, don't let someone sell you short... you are amazing. It's complete BS that they don't think a BA is enough. I get this crap from my parents all the time and it makes me so sad. Their excuse is that they never had my opportunities, but I barely call it opportunities... I've worked full time and gone to school part time and I made sure I didn't get pregnant during school, because I knew it would make things more difficult for me. (phew, my own rant there)

I'm glad you have such a loving boyfriend. Next year, I would just pick a place w/a date and time ahead of time and invite friends and family.. so you have a buffer from your family. If your family decides to be childish and not show up, then you at least still have plans with your friends.

Happy belated birthday!!! We all love you here!