I dunno what to do :(
- Thread starter glam8babe
- Start date
darkishstar
Well-known member
I agree with people saying you have to work harder at any relationship to make it work. I've never gone what you've gone through Becky, but I think you need to try and revive what you had with Darren and see how that goes first before you make a decision. Sometimes you can't just expect something to work if you don't make an effort on your side to keep Darren in your life or try to talk to him as much like you're doing with Carl. If that truly doesn't end up working and that spark doesn't come back, then yes, I would say you guys should break up. I don't think you should without trying to see if you can save it first.
I've read somewhere that all divorces (not saying this is like your case at all) where there is no apparent abuse or anything like that can mostly all be saved if more work and effort was put on both sides, rather than people not putting any effort at all into it and expecting the relationship to just work. Do you see what I'm trying to say? I used to think that relationships should take no effort at all and if it was meant to be that it would happen, but I think we all know that in real life that doesn't happen.
So I advise to try and talk, try and see if things can be like they were before. Who knows, you could surprise yourself and Darren as well.
Especially since I think you two are absolutely adorable together.
Good luck whatever decision you make.
We all love you and I know you'll make the right decision for yourself in the end.
I've read somewhere that all divorces (not saying this is like your case at all) where there is no apparent abuse or anything like that can mostly all be saved if more work and effort was put on both sides, rather than people not putting any effort at all into it and expecting the relationship to just work. Do you see what I'm trying to say? I used to think that relationships should take no effort at all and if it was meant to be that it would happen, but I think we all know that in real life that doesn't happen.
So I advise to try and talk, try and see if things can be like they were before. Who knows, you could surprise yourself and Darren as well.
Good luck whatever decision you make.
We all love you and I know you'll make the right decision for yourself in the end.
Corvs Queen
Well-known member
I believe that when you are with the right person, your relationship is in no way, shape or form WORK. When you're with the right person everything come naturally. My husband and I have been married 4 years and I still have that tingly "new relationship" feel whenever I'm with him or think of him. So in short, these things are possible to have in a relationship. Also, don't settle. If you feel like you are settling for Darren because you're comfy I highly recommend you rethink what attracted you two to each other in the first place. You're young so you have plenty of time but do want to live a life full of "could've beens"? I am not saying you should leave Darren but I do think that with you confiding in Carl and being attracted to him that something is in deed off in your relationship. And I cannot stress this enough, lying by omission is still lying. So if your boyfriend doesn't know about what's going on with Carl and you then you are lying to him. Dishonesty is hardly ever rewarded. I say distance yourself from Carl until you have the chance to either make up your mind or talk it over with your boyfriend. I wish you all the luck and again I hope you find what you're looking for. Love is never a straight path.
Beauty Mark
Well-known member
I think you need to think it over and then have a talk with your boyfriend.
It isn't really being fair to him, since I think this counts as emotional infidelity. I'm not sure what's right for you (relationships are work, like friendships; sometimes, they aren't fun), but you need to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.
It isn't really being fair to him, since I think this counts as emotional infidelity. I'm not sure what's right for you (relationships are work, like friendships; sometimes, they aren't fun), but you need to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.
Nadeshda
Well-known member
The butterflies and infatuation don't last forever, despite how good of a match two people are. Infatuation generally wears off in about 2 years - and what remains after that, if anything, is love. Love is not about feelings - it's not about feeling on top of the moon everytime you see that person, love is about acceptance and compromise. You see the other person, you see that person's flaws, but you still love that person despite of them, because those flaws are part of that person too. Love is more about that acceptance and compromise than it is about those lovey-dovey feelings - there still are times that are more passionate, but they don't cloud everything else like infatuation does.
I think this is what you are going through with your boyfriend. You are transitioning from infatuation into something else, and it requires some adjustment, and there is normal to have questions wether there are still feelings there or not. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and there have been times in which I question myself if I'm with him out of habit, or if it's something else there. But after a couple of weeks, I'm always shown that there's something there besides habit.
Now, you may not like what I'm about to say next, but I'm going to say it anyway. In my opinion, you are already cheating on your boyfriend. Not on a physical level, but on an emotional level. You are devoting your energy and your time to someone else other than him, to someone else who you have feelings for. Meeting up with him at your house and refraining from making anything happen is already betraying your bf, you are meeting with a man you care about. I too think you should work on your relationship. Take a break from that guy, and work your relationship with your bf, try to see eachother more often, try to do different things together, go on dates, fall in love with eachother all over again. If it doesn't happen, then cut him loose and try your luck with the other guy. But whatever you do, don't keep this situation for longer, don't make your bf think he's the only guy on your mind when he clearly isn't. I've been in his shoes, and when my bf came clean to me, after a couple of months, I just felt betrayed, and lied to... I would have prefered if he had been man enough to tell me the truth from the start, instead of lying to me for months. Don't put your bf in that situation, it's a pretty fucked up position to be in.
I think this is what you are going through with your boyfriend. You are transitioning from infatuation into something else, and it requires some adjustment, and there is normal to have questions wether there are still feelings there or not. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and there have been times in which I question myself if I'm with him out of habit, or if it's something else there. But after a couple of weeks, I'm always shown that there's something there besides habit.
Now, you may not like what I'm about to say next, but I'm going to say it anyway. In my opinion, you are already cheating on your boyfriend. Not on a physical level, but on an emotional level. You are devoting your energy and your time to someone else other than him, to someone else who you have feelings for. Meeting up with him at your house and refraining from making anything happen is already betraying your bf, you are meeting with a man you care about. I too think you should work on your relationship. Take a break from that guy, and work your relationship with your bf, try to see eachother more often, try to do different things together, go on dates, fall in love with eachother all over again. If it doesn't happen, then cut him loose and try your luck with the other guy. But whatever you do, don't keep this situation for longer, don't make your bf think he's the only guy on your mind when he clearly isn't. I've been in his shoes, and when my bf came clean to me, after a couple of months, I just felt betrayed, and lied to... I would have prefered if he had been man enough to tell me the truth from the start, instead of lying to me for months. Don't put your bf in that situation, it's a pretty fucked up position to be in.
MrsRjizzle
Well-known member
Hey Becky,
I know this situation is hard. I think part might be becasue you are really young and you have been with your boyfriend for a while too! It might be healthy for you to be on your own for a bit. Go out, have fun,Spend time with friends, mingle, etc. Things are so confusing becasue there isnt a lot of expierence to compare how you feel too, so its harder to sort your feelings out...
Take a break for YOU, to figure out what you really want.
I know this situation is hard. I think part might be becasue you are really young and you have been with your boyfriend for a while too! It might be healthy for you to be on your own for a bit. Go out, have fun,Spend time with friends, mingle, etc. Things are so confusing becasue there isnt a lot of expierence to compare how you feel too, so its harder to sort your feelings out...
Take a break for YOU, to figure out what you really want.
glam8babe
Well-known member
thanks so much everybody for the advice! i really appreciate it
well last night i told him exactly how i felt (i didnt mention i like someone else though) i basically said that im sick of being in a boring relationship etc.
we sorted it out today, he said he will change how i feel.. hes gonna take me places etc.
so i'm gonna give it a couple of weeks, and see how i feel
well last night i told him exactly how i felt (i didnt mention i like someone else though) i basically said that im sick of being in a boring relationship etc.
we sorted it out today, he said he will change how i feel.. hes gonna take me places etc.
so i'm gonna give it a couple of weeks, and see how i feel
Corvs Queen
Well-known member
I wish you all the luck. I hope that you get what you deserve and that you find everything you are looking for. All the best and keep us updated.
glam8babe
Well-known member
thanks girls
i forgot to mention we had a huge fall out last night over what i said and i came home at early hours of the morning, i just wanted to be in my own bed
and i've told carl everything.. he seems ok with it, he wants me to be happy but i told him i'm gonna try and work things with darren first
but this is what he said to me today
' BexLvzDaz says:
well thats the thing, i cant stop thinkin about you either i cudnt even kiss darren last night when we were fine.. i just feel sick all the time
Carl says:
that happened with me last night out drinking too
Carl says:
this lass tried kiss me and stuff and I hated it. At the end of the night she got in a taxi and asked me to go with her, and I just couldn't stop thinking about you so I said no it's ok, i'll walk home with Phil. Phil thought I was gay or something.
I just feel like he generally cares for me and that
but like i said i'll take my time and see what i really want
i forgot to mention we had a huge fall out last night over what i said and i came home at early hours of the morning, i just wanted to be in my own bed
and i've told carl everything.. he seems ok with it, he wants me to be happy but i told him i'm gonna try and work things with darren first
but this is what he said to me today
' BexLvzDaz says:
well thats the thing, i cant stop thinkin about you either i cudnt even kiss darren last night when we were fine.. i just feel sick all the time
Carl says:
that happened with me last night out drinking too
Carl says:
this lass tried kiss me and stuff and I hated it. At the end of the night she got in a taxi and asked me to go with her, and I just couldn't stop thinking about you so I said no it's ok, i'll walk home with Phil. Phil thought I was gay or something.
I just feel like he generally cares for me and that
but like i said i'll take my time and see what i really want
Growing Wings
Well-known member
Situations like this suck. I've been in a similar situation, and I chose to stay with my (then) bf. Looking back I know I shouldn't have. I'd say give it a couple of weeks with your bf, and if nothing changes then it's only fair to end it. It's not fair on your bf for you to be with him whilst you have feelings for someone else. I've been in that position too, and finding out is one of the worst things ever. Right now you should be enjoying life and having fun, not feeling like you're trapped in a relationship. You're only young once! And I believe that if you're meant to be with someone, you'll end up with them sooner or later. Maybe it would do you and your bf good to have a bit of a break anyway?
I hope everything works out for you.
I hope everything works out for you.
snowflakelashes
Well-known member
I think its good you're trying to work things out. b/c if you didn't you might regret not having at least tried. I definately think that if you want to have any hope of rehabing your relationship is to focus on the two of you rather than on outside parties. Whatever happens w/ darren I hope you discover your path to happiness.
Moxy
Well-known member
Aww hun you poor thing, i wish you wouldn't have to be in this situation. It does happen to all of us at some point I think.
With my ex when we were together for almost 4 years, I met this wonderful bloke who cared loads for me and showed it to me, but I didn't do anything because I do not cheat on boyfriends. As much as it was hard, I had to admit to myself that my boyfriend at that time wasn't "the one" anymore and that I wanted more - so I broke up with him and told this wonderful bloke that I wanna get to know him better because I feel i'm falling for him. So we met and didn't leave his bedroom for 6 days, chatting for hours and making love in between felt the most of freedom and happiness I've ever experienced.
We've been together ever since, it's gonna be 3 years in a couple of months. <3 you Liam
So yes. Follow your heart, it can never be wrong. And don't worry, if you get hurt in the process, embrace the pain and we'll all be there for ya. You gotta be happy, that's all that matters.
With my ex when we were together for almost 4 years, I met this wonderful bloke who cared loads for me and showed it to me, but I didn't do anything because I do not cheat on boyfriends. As much as it was hard, I had to admit to myself that my boyfriend at that time wasn't "the one" anymore and that I wanted more - so I broke up with him and told this wonderful bloke that I wanna get to know him better because I feel i'm falling for him. So we met and didn't leave his bedroom for 6 days, chatting for hours and making love in between felt the most of freedom and happiness I've ever experienced.
We've been together ever since, it's gonna be 3 years in a couple of months. <3 you Liam
So yes. Follow your heart, it can never be wrong. And don't worry, if you get hurt in the process, embrace the pain and we'll all be there for ya. You gotta be happy, that's all that matters.
couturesista
Well-known member
I'm glad u talked to ur BF, but a little advice, don't tell the other guy everything that happens in ur relationship with Darren. Keep certain things to urself, because I would hate to think Carl is feeding off of this and besides it makes Darren look like the bad guy to Carl.
Beauty Mark
Well-known member
I hope that I'm not coming off as an ass, but I think you also need to think about your actions in your relationship. I think that's great Darren wants to work things out, but you also need to consider what you're doing with Carl. Try to get yourself not to think about Carl like that and focus on your relationship with Darren. I don't think it's fair to your boyfriend and that relationship if you're still thinking about Carl romantically.
Korms
Well-known member
Good for you for trying to work things out with your Boyfriend first. The relationship with him might seem boring because your feelings for this other chap are new and refreshing, probably just like things were with your Boyfriend when you first met. If you did get with this Carl fellow there is a chance that once the excitement of finding a new Love dies down, things end up exactly the same as they are with your current Boyfriend. It's difficult to make a fair comparison between contentment and excitement.
I was in a similar situation last year and I actually ended things with my Boyfriend, only to regret it horribly 5 months later and it took a lot of work to sort things out.
It may be hard to do, but try to distance yourself from Carl, especially while you're still trying to sort things with your Boyfriend. By staying in contact with Carl you are kinda willing your relationship to fail, and it's also a bit disrespectful to your Boyfriend.
I hope you manage to sort things out, I know how emotionally draining it can be.
I was in a similar situation last year and I actually ended things with my Boyfriend, only to regret it horribly 5 months later and it took a lot of work to sort things out.
It may be hard to do, but try to distance yourself from Carl, especially while you're still trying to sort things with your Boyfriend. By staying in contact with Carl you are kinda willing your relationship to fail, and it's also a bit disrespectful to your Boyfriend.
I hope you manage to sort things out, I know how emotionally draining it can be.
florabundance
Well-known member
Quote:
That's exactly what i was thinking. Try to remember you don't *really* know this guy's intentions at all. How are you to know he didn't kiss that girl, or go home with her or whatever. If he's wanting you so badly that he's willing to chase regardless of the fact you're in a relationship, then there's always the chance he's telling you what he knows you want to hear.
Originally Posted by couturesista
I'm glad u talked to ur BF, but a little advice, don't tell the other guy everything that happens in ur relationship with Darren. Keep certain things to urself, because I would hate to think Carl is feeding off of this and besides it makes Darren look like the bad guy to Carl. |
That's exactly what i was thinking. Try to remember you don't *really* know this guy's intentions at all. How are you to know he didn't kiss that girl, or go home with her or whatever. If he's wanting you so badly that he's willing to chase regardless of the fact you're in a relationship, then there's always the chance he's telling you what he knows you want to hear.
