Is your boyfriend the breadwinner...or you?

[CantAffordMAC]

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who thinks guys should still be like...the head of the household. When it comes to money, I still think the guy should be the actual breadwinner.

I'm not saying that its wrong for you to make more money than you boyfriend/husband...that isn't really what I'm getting at. When you go out to eat, do you pay the bill or does he? Does he pay, and you leave the tip? what about other finances that come up?

It seems to me like some guys feel as though they shouldn't (or don't have to) pay for things. That the women in the relationship should pay for more or equal things in the relationship. I still feel as though guys should pay for more.

 

[MzEmo]

i feel the same. its always better for the guy to pay more than we do since they dont show enough love anyways. they need to show it through that. not to be greedy but they should make us feel good =)

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

Quote:

i feel the same. its always better for the guy to pay more than we do since they dont show enough love anyways. they need to show it through that. not to be greedy but they should make us feel good =)

^LOL.

My boyfriend shows me PLENTY of love

so it's not really that in my case.. Currently he IS the moneymaker (as I go to school) but I rather have us both be "breadwinners." But I'm pretty independent so I don't like him always paying for me and what not, I rather pay my own way.

 

[BloodMittens]

I don't like to have my boyfriend pay for my food and such, but he's stubbron, and he HAS to "take care" of me as he says. We're going to be living together soon, and we had to agree on how we are going to pay everything, and he has a better job than me at the moment. So bills are going to be paid by him except cable and phone, which are my responsibility. Food is paid by him, but I have to shop for it. Same with his clothes, he gives me the money, I shop for it. He doesn't pay for my clothes, that's my wrap, and I have enough clothes, so I hardly ever shop for them. He doesn't expect me to buy his videogames for him, and I don't expect him to buy my magazines, manga or makeup.

I think having a good parting ground for these things is great, better than saying "You're the guy so you HAVE to pay for everything."

If I'm being taken care of, but I have my independent stuff to pay for, I'm happy.

 

[BloodMittens]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xIxSkyDancerxIx ^LOL. My boyfriend shows me PLENTY of love so it's not really that in my case.. Currently he IS the moneymaker (as I go to school) but I rather have us both be "breadwinners." But I'm pretty independent so I don't like him always paying for me and what not, I rather pay my own way.

I agree with this a LOT. I don't like having my items paid for, but being taken care of is awesome. And my boyfriend gives me enough love for me not to worry about it too much. I think sometimes he just feels guilty because he works so much.

 

[BohemianSheila]

I stay at home with my son. It's really hard not having my own money, but my hubby lets me have pretty much whatever I want (he knows I won't take advantage).

The thing is, men are wired to be the breadwinner. Their self-esteem is really wrapped up in being the provider, that's how they have been designed. I know he gets really frustrated if he can't solve my problem. So, sometimes it really is less about a woman being independant and showing how much she appreciates and loves her "other" by letting him take care of her. I don't think you lose your independance or dignity by allowing that. The truth of the matter is that I've had to learn to allow that because I was incredibly independant from a young age. From the time I could, I had a job and paid for my own things. So, it's actually humbling to have to be "dependant" on another person for your provision.

I think bottom line, though, is that you need to discuss with your other to see what you are both comfortable with and honor that agreement. I know sometimes I wish that I could bring home money, but when I look at my son and see what an amazing person he is becoming, I know there is truly no job that could pay me enough to miss that. (Luckily though, my hubby makes plenty for me to still indulge my MAC obsession, I know Lucky Girl)

 

[GreekChick]

This is a tough one.
Being able to take care of yourself is extremely important in a relationship. You're showing someone, who's basic instinct is to be the hunter, that you can stand on your own. It's great to be taken care of, however being too dependant, especially financially ( ex: expecting a man to pay for dinner, every single time/expecting a huge diamond necklace everytime you open the door) showcases that the man has power over you, and that, in a way, he owns you.
If we as women expect men to follow tradition and be the breadwinners, then tradition imposes itself in every other aspect of a relationship. If a couple becomes pregnant, for example, and the man is the breadwinner, he might spend less time with his child than the mother will, thus reinforcing the image that the woman is the one who nurtures the children.
In my opinion, in this day and age, aside from pregnancy reasons, women have no excuse not to be the breadwinners in the family. We have education available to us, we have rights that keep on expanding, we have everything available to us; there has never been a better time to be a woman. Why reinforce an image that generations of women fought so hard to break?

 

[CantAffordMAC]

well, when me and my boyfriend first got together, he always told me he would take care of me, and that someday he didn't even want me to have to work. And at first he was paying for everything, just naturally. we never really discussed it, he just paid. He took me shopping before (I was working at mcdonalds bringing home 400 or less a month, and he was making 500-1,000 a week).

anyways, it was never a problem with us. But then he's been without a job for awhile now and I hate admitting that I have basically been taking care of him. (he recently got a part time job but...still) I've been paying for our groceries, our entertainment, and his gas money. It doesn't seem like much when i spend $15 a few times a week on food, or $5 everyday/every couple of days for his gas, but it adds up. I get frustrated because I feel as though I'm smart with my money...I try not to spend it on unnecessary things, and if I do have to buy something, I shop smart. I am saving at least half of my paycheck every 2 weeks.

So with me being frustrated at having to "almost" support him, we argue sometimes and in my anger, I tell him to get a better job and to step up and be a man. I know thats harsh, but its killing me. I'm trying to save all my money so we can move out and not struggle, but I feel as though he's not trying quite as hard as I am to find a better job and get everything in order financially. And when we argue, he comes at me like I only give him a few dollars here and there and he has spent way more than I have, and that my measly money isn't going to do anything. wow.

With all that being said, I have no problem taking care of myself. He is the only guy who's ever taken care of me, and he has no problem doing so. But before he came along I was taking care of myself, and if I want some makeup or a magazine or some new clothes, I spend my own money on that. I don't think he should buy EVERYTHING. but this is driving me crazy. He thinks its perfectly acceptable for me to pay or buy him food/gas since he isn't making too much right now. But when he has money he is the FURTHEST thing away from that! He's extremely generous when he has money--just like I was to begin with. I'm just tired of doing it for the past several months.

 

[RoseMe]

We are currently dating long distance so the majority of the expenses occur in the monthly visit, which we take turns on. He is very good about pitching in for expenses IF I ask for it (as he is making twice that of mine right now) but I never do. It's nice to have mutual respect and understanding of each other. Our common/shared goal of saving money to buy a home together in CA also takes priority over "who takes care of the other" during the regular dates.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Money doesn't equal love. If the person you date is using how much money s/he spends on you as a means of compensating elsewhere, that's an issue, and it's sad to me, because material comforts will never replace true affection and emotion.

I think it's stupid for people to expect the male in the relationship to be the "breadwinner." Unless you're a stay at home wife (where I presume your duties at home would be equivalent to having a 9-5 paying job) or something similar, you're not providing him with any more than he's providing you. Especially if you're both on equal footing, finance-wise, there's no excuse to not split everything 50/50.

I don't want to be treated like a kept woman or an escort. I'm not wealthy and never have been, but I have enough money to buy what I want or do whatever I want. If I'm broke, there are always free or cheap alternatives. I think it's nice when people pay for things, but it isn't obligatory and I think it's perfectly fine down the line that I pay the tab. Not keeping it obsessively even, but at the same time, not thinking I don't have to pay my way most of the time. Both parties should pull their weight equally in the relationship.

 

[MisStarrlight]

My goal in life is to wholly support myself. I'm a pretty big believer of splitting things 1/2 & 1/2...as long as both people are able to anyways.

 

[frocher]

...

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by frocher My SO and I make comparable incomes, and we share all our expenses. It is not a calculated split, he pays the bills sometimes, and sometimes I do. There is no one breadwinner in our house, we both are.

Exactly how it is with me and my man. We have a joint bank account, as well as a separate one each. We both fill up the joint one each month for our shared expenses, like rent, groceries, bills. I think the idea of having a man as the sole breadwinner is outdated. If one person is staying at home to care for the kids and the other one is working, that's different, but if both people work and earn a relatively equal salary, both should share communal expenses.

 

[giz2000]

In god knows how many years, this is the first full year that I don't work full time. It's driving me nuts. I am going to school, and DH is making the bulk of the money. I work part time, but that money is mine to do with as I please. I haven't gotten used to depending on him for money, and I doubt I ever will. When we were both working full time, I helped pay the household bills, and from time to time, I would treat when going out. He mainly pays our entertainment expenses. I have my own checking, savings, IRA accounts and DH has his. Even the house is in my name only. We have a joint checking account to pay bills. Other than that, all our finances are separate (because of his child support situation and stuff like that).

This not-working-fulltime situation is temporary for me. I am not the stay at home type of wife (my kids are older and don't really need me 24/7 anymore...

) and like to be independent. I see what being dependant on a man for money is like (see my reply to "what would you say to the ex-wife" post on Deep Thoughts) and don't want any part of that. I like to depend on myself.

 

[ratmist]

We don't do joint bank accounts because I learned from my parents and others that finances become sources of contention. We operate on the notion of fairness.

That being said, I'm still doing my doctorate. My study is paid through student loans, so we made the conscious decision to minimize my loans so as to minimize the repayments, which we will undertake together.

I used to feel guilty about it. Used to tell myself that it's my debt, not his, therefore I should repay it entirely without his help. Not anymore. Abstract notions sometimes do not make sense when one is faced with reality. I love him, and he loves me. We are fair to each other's finances, but it took a long time to understand that equal shares doesn't always mean fair. It would be unfair to our futures and my personal finances if we forced ourselves to pay equal shares at all times. So our internal compass became protecting each other and thinking about one another first, in all purchases and expenses. Minimizing selfishness helps keep things fair.

 

[KAIA]

My BF makes more money than me, but we share the expenses.
Well not everything.. he pays his car's gas (I don't have a car) but gives me rides since we work together.. but I pay for the groceries, well basically just stuff for the house, cleaning supplies mostly, since we don't cook.
The rest we do share, rent, electricity, internet and cable bills.
We also have our own cellphones, so he takes care of his, and I take care of mine. Same thing goes for credit cards, and bank account.
Clothes, Shoes and MAC Addiction paid for me.
We even share responsibilities, I clean our room, bathroom and take clothes to laundry; he cleans the kitchen, living and dining room.
But well, that is now, last year I lost my job and I wasn't working for like 2 months and that screwed me up.. because he was paying my bills for a period of time, and IT SUCKED!!! I couldn't feel worse, that's good now I don't have to.
My grandmother ALWAYS told me, to take care of my own expenses, she always worked, and shared bills with my grandfather. I decided to do the same, because like somebody said it above, they (Man) tend to think the own you because the do all this stuff for you, and it makes them feel GREAT that you depend on them.
But Overall, I think is pretty fair to share expenses, I mean we've been asking for equality BUT yet we want to have differences when it comes to money..mmm.. I don't see the point.

 

[user79]

I agree with Kaia, we also share household chores and cleaning duties! Hehe...

 

[glam8babe]

well im only 17 but my bf is 18 and he has a job and spends all of his wages on me! im so greatful i have somebody like that because i dont know many girls who have bfs who buy them everything. For my birthday he spent £200 [US $400] on some GHD straighteners for me.. i told him i really wanted them for christmas and he tried going to every salon to see if they sold them and they only had them in black [i wantwed the hot pink ones because im a girly girl lol] anyway they didnt have them ANYWHERE so he bidded for some on ebay at a reasonable price but at the last second someone bidded higher and won.. after that it was after xmas [my bday is 6 days after xmas - 31st] and he got me the Vera Wang Princess perfume [i waas happy becoz we only been going out for 2 month so i wasnt expecting anything big] then he found an american website and they were a lil bit expensive to what they were on ebay and in salons but he got me them and they didnt arrive until january but i was soo happy my ex bf wudnt have done that for me. I guess im really lucky but ive always been spoiled since i was little... i do give my old stuff to charity though so im doing something for the not so fortunate and when i get something new i apprieciate it lots! my bf pays for my food when we go out, he pays for drinks when we go out clubbing, he buys me new makeup [especially MAC!] because he knows im addicted to makeup, he buys me clothes he buys me everything. Im going to college to do beauty therapy next month and im so happy because i love beauty everything - skincare, makeup, tanning etc. and i know i'll be good at it so ill get a well paid job and i cant wait to earn my own money so i can buy stuff for my boyfriend too. Well when i do start college i'll get £30 a week [$60] so ill save that up until xmas and buy him some lovely things [and its his birthday 20th december so ill get him like double presents] He took me to the Caribbean in May 07 for 2 weeks and paid for everything but i paid for the flight and stuff so i put my bit into it. And i dont work! i really cba to have a job right now i just couldnt handle it because im gunna have so much college work, my last job as a waitress the pay was SHIT [£3.25 per hour. $6.50] thats NOTHING and i only went 3 times then left because i was better off not working. Im really happy that i have such a lovely bf i dunno what id do without him, i wouldnt have as much MAC, i wouldnt have went to the Caribbean and other stuff

 

[zori]

My SO and I both share the expenses. We both make comparable incomes and whenever there is a bill to pay, food to be bought or even enjoying a night out somewhere, one of us simply pays it. There is no hard and fast rule stating who should be paying for what expense.

I enjoy being independent and I know in the event of anything, I would not have to depend on anyone financially.

 

[anaaliyahfan03]

me and my man work..i have my own bills and he has his own bills..but he is the breadwinner and the other bills that are ours, he pays for those..he gives me money and buys me things, but i give him money and buy him things as well (hell, i just bought him a $1200 laptop!)..we are not married so we dont have joint accounts, but once we are married then we are getting one, but still have out own seperate accounts..even though he makes more money, i believe or relationship is equal..its not about if he makes more money then, HE DA MAN!..its about how you make that work and make it equal and thats what we are doing..we have been together almost 4 years so we are at the point where we can depend on each other (i didnt before cause i didnt know if we were gonna last..gotta make sure

)im quitting my job right now to apply at mac and until that happens i probably wont have a job for a while, but we have talked about it and have a mutual understanding about this situation..with our money situations, we're good