kaliraksha
Well-known member
Just curious to hear your thoughts! Let's discuss!
Living Together Before Marriage
- Thread starter kaliraksha
- Start date
kaliraksha
Well-known member
For the record, I live with my boyfriend and I have for about 7 months. So far, it has been great.
bAbY_cHiCkEn01
Well-known member
Well I sorta think its neccessary... you might not know the faults or bad/disgusting habits each other have if you don't live together and that could end up driving you really insane and end up fighting over these insignificant problems - ones you could have probably worked on if you had lived together prior to marriage... And when you live together, you know each other inside and out which I think can really strengthen a relationship... sure you may have more ups and downs but I think it brings you closer and sorta allows for more intimacy, and it's comforting to have someone always there with you, like if you live together and after work all you wanna do is go home, you have a happy, warm friendly face there to hold you and run you a bath etc. You always have somebody to hold at night and will hold you back and when you're upset they're always there and you don't need to ring up if you wanna have a bitch/cry which is less personal...
So as you can tell, I'm 110% for living together!
So as you can tell, I'm 110% for living together!
Hawkeye
Well-known member
my parents lived together before they got married. I mean I guess it's just one of those things that it can cause and create a lot of problems but it can also prevent a lot of problems in the future.
Personally, I dont really care I like to look at situations before jumping into them.
My husband and I, we didnt live together but it's worked out really well for us but others it wouldnt know what i mean?
Personally, I dont really care I like to look at situations before jumping into them.
My husband and I, we didnt live together but it's worked out really well for us but others it wouldnt know what i mean?
DaisyDee
Well-known member
I lived with one from the time I was 17 until I was 21...didn't work out.
I lived with my husband for about a year before we were married and we are more in love than ever going on 10 years together.
My first husband I DID NOT live with prior to marriage and ACK-- what a disaster! He was a slob who hid it from me until we moved into our home. LOL By then we were hitched! It lasted 7 years...7 L - O - N - G years.
I lived with my husband for about a year before we were married and we are more in love than ever going on 10 years together.
My first husband I DID NOT live with prior to marriage and ACK-- what a disaster! He was a slob who hid it from me until we moved into our home. LOL By then we were hitched! It lasted 7 years...7 L - O - N - G years.
Janice
Well-known member
Ian and I have lived together 3 of the 4 years we have been with one another. We were married Halloween of last year, and other than us being "legal" I haven't noticed any problems that have been caused by living together before marriage. We are very comfortable and stable in our life and relationship with one another and living together helped us build that foundation. I'm sure that can also be acheived without living with one another as well though. I was 'older' though when we moved in.. I have to admit if I had a daughter I don't know if I would want her to live with a man before marriage if she were young. If she were my age then I wouldn't mind as much.
laceymeow
Well-known member
i have mixed feeling on living together. i guess it depends on all of the circumstances...
i lived with my (ex)boyfriend for nearly 2 years. we'd only dated for 3-4 months before i moved in with him. the reason i moved in THAT soon was because i'd gotten a job offer in chicago, where he lived, and i wanted to take it but couldn't find a place that soon. i ended up staying after i got settled in and things were good for a while. however, i think it would've been better if we had waited at least a few more months to take that step.
i would suggest having a place small enough that family wouldn't feel inclined to intrude often. my ex's family was frequently staying with us, often without prior warning (they all had keys ugh) which lead to many fights.
the other thing i'd recommend is making sure you have receipts for all bills/rent you pay as well as a legal agreement about the living arrangements beforehand. i ended up having no place to live with only 3 days notice because i didn't take that precaution. *sigh*
overall, i think living together is a wonderful idea. i couldn't imagine getting married to someone without living together first!! sure, people have done it for years... but there are so many things you can't know about a person just by being together a lot.
i had fun and really learned a lot while living with my ex.
**i guess i should add that we broke up/i got kicked out because his mother is the biggest c_ _ t that i've EVER met in my life. she hated me for the stupidest reasons (i'm not filipino, i didn't go to college, i'm a vegetarian, i'm not ocd about cleaning 24/7, i didn't have a job she thought was good enough when i was a vet tech, etc.) and pretty much brainwashed her son into thinking i'm not good enough. we fought constantly because she visited a lot and always made rude comments to me but he always took her side of course, even when he witnessed her horrible behavior. she'd always ask him if i paid for this, if i paid for that... it was awful.
in the end, she came up to me (she was staying with us at the time) and said she had to tell me something... and she proceeded to tell me that "phil was afraid to talk to me so she had to do it" and basically broke up with me for him, then told me since the house was being put on the market i had to be out in 3 days (!!! WTF) so it could be vacant per the realtor. worst part? she LAUGHED during all of this.
he's been trying to get back with me but i say only if his mother is not ever around me. we'll see what happens...
sorry for getting so off topic! lol
i lived with my (ex)boyfriend for nearly 2 years. we'd only dated for 3-4 months before i moved in with him. the reason i moved in THAT soon was because i'd gotten a job offer in chicago, where he lived, and i wanted to take it but couldn't find a place that soon. i ended up staying after i got settled in and things were good for a while. however, i think it would've been better if we had waited at least a few more months to take that step.
i would suggest having a place small enough that family wouldn't feel inclined to intrude often. my ex's family was frequently staying with us, often without prior warning (they all had keys ugh) which lead to many fights.
the other thing i'd recommend is making sure you have receipts for all bills/rent you pay as well as a legal agreement about the living arrangements beforehand. i ended up having no place to live with only 3 days notice because i didn't take that precaution. *sigh*
overall, i think living together is a wonderful idea. i couldn't imagine getting married to someone without living together first!! sure, people have done it for years... but there are so many things you can't know about a person just by being together a lot.
i had fun and really learned a lot while living with my ex.
**i guess i should add that we broke up/i got kicked out because his mother is the biggest c_ _ t that i've EVER met in my life. she hated me for the stupidest reasons (i'm not filipino, i didn't go to college, i'm a vegetarian, i'm not ocd about cleaning 24/7, i didn't have a job she thought was good enough when i was a vet tech, etc.) and pretty much brainwashed her son into thinking i'm not good enough. we fought constantly because she visited a lot and always made rude comments to me but he always took her side of course, even when he witnessed her horrible behavior. she'd always ask him if i paid for this, if i paid for that... it was awful.
he's been trying to get back with me but i say only if his mother is not ever around me. we'll see what happens...
sorry for getting so off topic! lol
bluegrassbabe
Well-known member
I lived with my husband for a year before we got married. I don't think I would have done it any other way. We really got to know each other in a totally new way, and had some time to work out the quirks before we made it official. As an added bonus, we both saved a bunch of money by living together, so it made it a little more comfortable (financially) when we got married.
YOOTOPiA
Well-known member
i did a report on this very topic back in college. my stance was for living together before marriage. i think you should get a "test drive" before "sealing the deal". how are you supposed to know how a person really is until you live with them. not to say that if you don't cohabitate you won't succeed, but in my opinion it's best to go into a life long partnership knowing and gathering as much detail as you possible can. granted that even though you do decide to live together you still won't know EVERYTHING there is to know about the other person.
when a couple takes the next step into matrimony they have all these new complications to think about that were irrevelant before hand. such as: mortgage/rent, sharing bills, insurance, budgeting, time managemnt, chores etc. you don't want to go into all that with the added strain of not knowing how a person conducts his day to day life. as sweet as a person can be, what if he's a morning grouch? does he not pick up after himself? is he anally ocd? i mean the list goes on and on. if you have the chance i think it's a wise move to get "used" to his routine. together you can find a system that works, lay a foundation to build upon.
relationships are 3D, there's how you are together in private, in public, at home, alone, apart etc etc. if you're apart how will you know?
however there is the other side. it is common knowledge that couples who cohabit before marriage may not even end up married at all. "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" as the old saying goes. you get so used to your circumstance that there's really no need or rush to go beyond. also the divorce rate is a lot higher due to the fact that most times marriage would be "the next logical step". couples tend to stay together out of comfort and convience not to mention all the time, money and effort put into the relationship.
blah blah blah just my two cents
if you're consenting adults, whether you agree or disagree the decision is up to them. who cares right? i personally am going to live with my fiance, we're just waiting for our place to get ready.
in the end of it all statistics schmatistics... everyones different. especially when you take into consideration culture, religion and personal prefences.
*disclaimer*
i'm referencing serious relationships on the path to marriage or looooong term commitment. i don't advise young couples who just got into the game to shack up, if you move in and things don't work out... it can get ugly.
when a couple takes the next step into matrimony they have all these new complications to think about that were irrevelant before hand. such as: mortgage/rent, sharing bills, insurance, budgeting, time managemnt, chores etc. you don't want to go into all that with the added strain of not knowing how a person conducts his day to day life. as sweet as a person can be, what if he's a morning grouch? does he not pick up after himself? is he anally ocd? i mean the list goes on and on. if you have the chance i think it's a wise move to get "used" to his routine. together you can find a system that works, lay a foundation to build upon.
relationships are 3D, there's how you are together in private, in public, at home, alone, apart etc etc. if you're apart how will you know?
however there is the other side. it is common knowledge that couples who cohabit before marriage may not even end up married at all. "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" as the old saying goes. you get so used to your circumstance that there's really no need or rush to go beyond. also the divorce rate is a lot higher due to the fact that most times marriage would be "the next logical step". couples tend to stay together out of comfort and convience not to mention all the time, money and effort put into the relationship.
blah blah blah just my two cents
if you're consenting adults, whether you agree or disagree the decision is up to them. who cares right? i personally am going to live with my fiance, we're just waiting for our place to get ready.
in the end of it all statistics schmatistics... everyones different. especially when you take into consideration culture, religion and personal prefences.
*disclaimer*
i'm referencing serious relationships on the path to marriage or looooong term commitment. i don't advise young couples who just got into the game to shack up, if you move in and things don't work out... it can get ugly.
kaliraksha
Well-known member
I moved in with my boyfriend after being with him for a little over 3 years... we had both lived with our parents and then room mates of the same sex... so I feel like we got to experience it all. For us, it made us stronger... it was just more economical for us to do this. We use to be over at each others place 24/7... he lived with me and went home to get clothes once in a while and then when he got a single I lived with him and brought a suitcase to keep at his place.
I don't think it's for everyone...it's more for serious couples... it's too much of a hassle to move everything out everytime you hit a bump in the road. We got a dog together almost as soon as we moved in together and it gave us something to work for. I looved planning to move in with him... how to decorate... shopping for it... putting stuff away on our move in day.
Although for me, it made our other friends uncomfortable I think. They were use to crashing at our respective places... and now when they come over and even if they stay late I guess they feel uncomfortable crashing in the living room when our bedroom is next door ::rawr::... haha =)
I did read a study once that said people that live together long term before marriage tend to threaten each other more with moving out/separating because they don't see the change in commitment. Before these couples were married you always knew that there was a way out because if need be you could move out and break up etc. I think to make things complete for me, I will hopefully be moving into a nicer place, buy a condo/house whenever I get married so there is some visible change. *For those of you that have done this - is there a big change going from living together to being married?*
Nonetheless, I don't think I would have it any other way... I never saw myself as someone that needed to live with someone before marriage... but it was worth saving the money and waking up next to him everday.
I don't think it's for everyone...it's more for serious couples... it's too much of a hassle to move everything out everytime you hit a bump in the road. We got a dog together almost as soon as we moved in together and it gave us something to work for. I looved planning to move in with him... how to decorate... shopping for it... putting stuff away on our move in day.
Although for me, it made our other friends uncomfortable I think. They were use to crashing at our respective places... and now when they come over and even if they stay late I guess they feel uncomfortable crashing in the living room when our bedroom is next door ::rawr::... haha =)
I did read a study once that said people that live together long term before marriage tend to threaten each other more with moving out/separating because they don't see the change in commitment. Before these couples were married you always knew that there was a way out because if need be you could move out and break up etc. I think to make things complete for me, I will hopefully be moving into a nicer place, buy a condo/house whenever I get married so there is some visible change. *For those of you that have done this - is there a big change going from living together to being married?*
Nonetheless, I don't think I would have it any other way... I never saw myself as someone that needed to live with someone before marriage... but it was worth saving the money and waking up next to him everday.
User34
Well-known member
My b/f and I are living "in sin" or so says his mom b/c we are living togehter w/out being married and we have a baby together. But I don't care. I would like to get married eventually but to me it's the same thing but with a paper saying it's ok.
My b/f's sister is in the process of separation with her husband b/c they got married, moved in and she saw flaws that she never noticed before. B/c they never lived together.
I think it all depends. Like i read on a post here that it may work for some and for others it may not but I am all for moving in first.
My b/f's sister is in the process of separation with her husband b/c they got married, moved in and she saw flaws that she never noticed before. B/c they never lived together.
I think it all depends. Like i read on a post here that it may work for some and for others it may not but I am all for moving in first.
pumpkincat210
Well-known member
I lived with my husband and had a baby with him before we got married. We are still married and that was 4 years ago.. I'm glad I did. You can see if they are tolerable to live with without making a huge commitment first.
Janice
Well-known member
Quote:
I'm guilty on a couple of occasions.
Quote:
My husband and I were married last halloween after close to 4 years of dating and living together. We purchased a home together in January so essentially we experienced the scenario you described.
It wasn't a big change day to day wise, but it was fufilling to buy a home with my partner and start decorating each room with items that we had both had sentimental value for and had collected together over the years. Also just knowing that my boyfriend of x years and I had decided to make that permanent commitment to one another.... It's very nice, and adds an aspect to your relationship that is very special.
| Originally Posted by kaliraksha I did read a study once that said people that live together long term before marriage tend to threaten each other more with moving out/separating because they don't see the change in commitment. |
I'm guilty on a couple of occasions.
Quote:
| Originally Posted by kaliraksha I think to make things complete for me, I will hopefully be moving into a nicer place, buy a condo/house whenever I get married so there is some visible change. *For those of you that have done this - is there a big change going from living together to being married?* |
My husband and I were married last halloween after close to 4 years of dating and living together. We purchased a home together in January so essentially we experienced the scenario you described.
It wasn't a big change day to day wise, but it was fufilling to buy a home with my partner and start decorating each room with items that we had both had sentimental value for and had collected together over the years. Also just knowing that my boyfriend of x years and I had decided to make that permanent commitment to one another.... It's very nice, and adds an aspect to your relationship that is very special.
user3
New member
hmmm...well...let's see I did everything backwards.
I started dating my hubby at the end of '93.After just 8 months of dating I became pregnant with our son.
Ok so our son was born and it's 3 months before his dad moves in with us. That was '95. We got married in '97.
The time we spent between '95 and '97 was a getting to know each other time. Sometime in '96 was when I finally calmed down. Then things started to just fall right into place.
When we got married we still lived with my parents. Which was nuts! We lived with them until our son was 3 & 1/2 years old.
Moving out on our own was a whole different step. We easily worked as team. There was no this is mine and that is yours BS. It was all ours.
I feel that by living together before we got married made a huge difference in our relationship. I also think that by staying with my parents it helped us get stable enough to make it on our own. Now I don't rec that everyone stays with their parents but for us it just worked out better.
Almost 13 years later (9 of which we've been married) and I love him more each day.
Don't get me wrong we've had our ups and downs but we pulled through them by holding on to each other and realizing what is important. Communication, honesty and respect.
Had we got married because of me being pregnant I know we would have been divorced within just a few years.
Bottom line, living together first saved our marriage and gave us a strong foundation to build on.
BTW if you are doing the math yes, I was pretty young when I had my son. Just old enough to vote. Dang, that was feels like so long ago.
I started dating my hubby at the end of '93.After just 8 months of dating I became pregnant with our son.
Ok so our son was born and it's 3 months before his dad moves in with us. That was '95. We got married in '97.
The time we spent between '95 and '97 was a getting to know each other time. Sometime in '96 was when I finally calmed down. Then things started to just fall right into place.
When we got married we still lived with my parents. Which was nuts! We lived with them until our son was 3 & 1/2 years old.
Moving out on our own was a whole different step. We easily worked as team. There was no this is mine and that is yours BS. It was all ours.
I feel that by living together before we got married made a huge difference in our relationship. I also think that by staying with my parents it helped us get stable enough to make it on our own. Now I don't rec that everyone stays with their parents but for us it just worked out better.
Almost 13 years later (9 of which we've been married) and I love him more each day.
Don't get me wrong we've had our ups and downs but we pulled through them by holding on to each other and realizing what is important. Communication, honesty and respect.
Had we got married because of me being pregnant I know we would have been divorced within just a few years.
Bottom line, living together first saved our marriage and gave us a strong foundation to build on.
BTW if you are doing the math yes, I was pretty young when I had my son. Just old enough to vote. Dang, that was feels like so long ago.
user4
New member
i actually think it's pretty necessary... i swear u dont know someone till you live with them. i've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and i've been living with him for a little over a year... and although i have known him for about 4-5 years and he's been my best friend for a good 3-4 years, there is sooo much i learned about him when we moved in together... these are things that dont really bother me, but i think there are just some things that some people dont wanna be suprised with and be stuck with for the rest of their lives...
kaliraksha
Well-known member
Quote:
oh man! my boyfriend is Bengali... his parents do not know about our situation yet... he is an only child and the only family they have in the US... so they are uber protective. It was hard enough for him to tell him he was dating a Spanish girl. I don't think we ever saw it in our cards either because I didn't feel it was necessary and he didn't think it was a possibility... but we're happy we did it... we've done some other crazy things like gone to mexico and told both of our parents that we "lost our cell phones" and emailed them from internet cafes.
| Originally Posted by Pushpa i have no problem with it to each his own but i am an indian prude hahaha and my family is very traditional i don't think i would ever move in with a s.o. but i have tons of friends who live with their s.o.'s and it works for them |
oh man! my boyfriend is Bengali... his parents do not know about our situation yet... he is an only child and the only family they have in the US... so they are uber protective. It was hard enough for him to tell him he was dating a Spanish girl. I don't think we ever saw it in our cards either because I didn't feel it was necessary and he didn't think it was a possibility... but we're happy we did it... we've done some other crazy things like gone to mexico and told both of our parents that we "lost our cell phones" and emailed them from internet cafes.
moonrevel
Well-known member
I totally support living together before marriage. My ex and I had a long distance relationship while in college, so during summers when he would come home he would live with me. I quickly saw that there were just things about him that were more obvious when we were living together that I would have a hard time dealing with for the rest of my life (not just the abysmal cleanliness habits, but finances, motivation, disposition, etc.). Living with my current boyfriend has proved much more successful, because while he does things that bug me, it's nothing that would drive me crazy for the rest of my life. I guess I just kind of feel that if you're going to buy a car, you gotta take a test drive, you know? I take the commitment to marry very seriously, and I wouldn't want to jump into it without knowing how we function together in the same space on a daily basis. Love conquers most, but I think there are certain things it just won't solve if there are qualities of your mate you simply can't tolerate.
