Mixed Nuts- A thread for the mentally interesting

[thepicketywitch]

I don't know that I'm comfortable yet discussing my mental health in this kind of setting, but I'm SO glad that there is a thread like this. It's taken me almost 10 years to figure out what is wrong with my brain, and I'm still learning ways of handling it.

 

[MorenitaLokita]

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I remember being in elementary school and writing phrases like "I don't like myself" or "I don't deserve to be loved" in places that can't be seen: the back of my dresser, on the wall behind a bunch of clothes in the closet, etc. I have an abusive mother who is bipolar and every single foster parent and foster sibling would throw it in my face. If I did or said something they didn't like, they would say I'm crazy just like my mother. Things like that made me oppose acknowledging my mental disorder and refuse meds. I tried Celexa but I ditched it when I felt it didn't work. I had a very good therapist but she went on maternity leave and that made me sad, and jealous because I had a miscarriage.

When I started college, I had just found my first boyfriend cheating on me. I felt worthless but instead of burying myself in the books, I slept all the time and barely ate. I eventually got kicked out the university and now I'm going to a community college with no financial aid. I work part time and use that money to take care of myself and pay for school. It's really hard. I found a guy that's willing to put up with my issues but I'm so messed up in the head, I cheated on him with the asshole who broke my heart and now I feel like crap. Whenever my life is fine, I find a way to mess it up. There are times when I don't want to live anymore and fantasize about going to sleep and not waking up...but there are times when the logical, intelligent side of me says that my panic attacks aren't real; that I'm panicking over something that isn't a big deal and if I realize that then my heart will stop racing and my tears will stop flowing.

No matter how much I try to forget things, I can't. Whenever I start to feel normal I think about people calling me crazy and I go back in my shell. I look up to ppl with mental illnesses who have their life together because I don't know how they do it.

 

[shadowaddict]

Kate--thanks for this thread. I think there are a lot of us that can find useful info and if nothing else feel less alone in our madness Really though especially to our younger people here it's hard sometimes to find people that understand or that will take you seriously.

I've worked with teens who their parents think they are just going through a phase or want attention or acting out. This led one very shy, never in trouble straight A student to attempt suicide twice by slashing both her wrists. She drank bleach while taking pills and had started doing all kinds of drugs and skipping school. She took $7000 out of her bank accout and took off on a plane to Michigan. Her grandmother lived there but when she arrived late that night she was totally out of it. She took her text books because she said she had a test the next day to study for and we are in TN. She was a very thin girl but she then she started throwing up even the tiniest bite she ate and not eat for days at a time. The poor girl was raped by a neighbor boy at age 15 and her parents never got her any therapy or help. I suppose they thought she would get over it and otherwise he was a nice kid. She just took off one day not telling them anything and didn't come home or show up at school the next day. They called me because they knew she was suppose to work that afternoon. I was her supervisor and they called me and told me if she showed up to call them. She did show up to pick up her paycheck. We could see there were two druggie looking guys outside in a beat up car waiting for her, no doubt for her money for drugs. Ii had the front desk pretend not to find her check in the drawer with the others and tell her they would have to talk to the payroll person. I rushed to my office and called her parents to tell them she was there but didn't know for how long. It was hard to help her but also keep her trust and not let on that her parents were on their way so she wouldn't run out the door. At that point she didn't trust anyone else. We stalled her and when her parents walked in she bolted. Her parents were taken to a small conference room and told to wait while 4 or 5 of us took off after her. I had to practically tackle her to the ground across the street on a lawn. It wan't too hard to get her back over. She was nothing but skin and bones by then. I took her into another room and of course by that time she knew I knew what was going on. I hugged her and asked her if there was anything I could do to help her. I offered everything.

Here's the thing that upset me so much. When they brought her parents in the room they, especially her mom did not run up and hug her and say something like "thank goodness you're ok" they just lit right into her right off the bat not knowing what had happened to her the night before. She looked like death warmed over and dirty. I mean if it was my daughter I would have grabbed her and hugged first, made sure she was ok and then say we gotta talk. She did not want to go home with them. We talked to her parents and they agreed it was best that she didn't. It took all day and a lot of talking to her parents and working with a network of people who had connections to get this 17 yr old girl into a good treatment center that was full. She got individual and group therapy and put on medication and after she started college and did quite well. She just need help and didn't know how to go about getting it or perhaps she didn't know she needed it. Some of my other staff (they were moms also) had told me things they had noticed about her also. It was clear to us she needed help.

I always knew her parents loved her very much but they just didn't get it. She needed help that they didn't understand and didn't want to hear. Even if they did they could not provide the help she needed themselves. A few years later at her wedding her father made a lovely toast to me and both her parents thanked me for saving their daughter. I finally felt that something good came from my lifelong issues. It was very nice but actually it was a team of us who got her set up for help not just me. But they knew she called me often at my home to talk and she was close to me. She even used he few allowed phone calls from the treatment center to call me. I cared about her. I wasn't just her boss.

I know that was long. It was for all you that are young and feel your parents will not or do not understand. Please find someone to talk to. It may just save your life.

 

[shadowaddict]

My Srory:

I was diagnosed with depression several years ago. Knowing what I do now about it I can see that I've been depressed since I was quite young. I will be 49 in a few weeks and what finally got me to a dr was panic attacks. I still remember the first one. My hubby and kids were eating out mexican and sitting in a booth and just wham something came over me. I told my husband I was going to step outside and get some fresh air. I had no idea was happening. Thank goodness that one didn't last very long. A couple or so more happened within a few days. Then a week or so later I went to pick my son up from school and had already picked up my daughter from pre-school. After that we were going to take my son to his karate lesson. On the way I felt the weirdness coming on. I told my son I felt sick and had to go home right away. I went to my bedroom and closed the door feeling like I was losing my mind. I called my husband he needed to leave his offie and come home that I could not live this way.

That was on a Friday and the next day we were going to visit my mother which was about an hour and a half away. I knew my older brother had been dealing with some mental issues for a few years but he really didn't talk about it. I remember he said enough that I thought right away it was panic attacks I was having. They would just hit out of the blue and most of the time didn't see them coming except the one time picking up my son. Anyway my mom had some Valium and gave me a few to help me through the weekend and until I could get to a dr. The first dr I saw was a waste of time. I forget what she put me on but it did not do anything but make me a bit tired. The anxiety was still in full bloom.

I knew from things my mom had said that my brother was having times he could not leave his house. It had taken him many times at several different doctors to get a correct diagnosis all the while getting worse. I did not want to get to that point. But I figured someone who knew more about it could lead me to help in my area. I found a hotline number for Agoraphobics Anonymous. That was my saving grace. The lady on the other end talked to me about panic disorder and helped me realize I would be ok but I needed to get the right help. She told me about a dr who was a family practioner but he had a lot of people he treated for panic and anxiety and he did some therapy also. I got an appointment right away and he seriously saved me because I really did not want to live feeling that way. He put me on Xanax starting at a very low dose and building slowly but still kept me quite low. It was my miracle. It made me sleepy at first just like he said but I started to feel normal and the aniety about having another panic attack started to go away. It was such a horrible cycle of continious anxiety. I was living in fear of having another attack which caused me to feel crazy and caused all sorts of stomach issues. The dr didn't just hand out meds. That first visit was well over an hour and all my visits were at least 45 min to an hour. He was so helpful in talking me through things and giving tips of things to do when I felt one coming on. The main one I used, which sounds so simple I feel silly saying it because I don't know why I didn't think to do it was to set up someone or more than one person that I could call up when I felt that way. They would know ahead of time when I called and told them what I was feeling to have them just talk to me about anything, just random stuff to help slow my breathing and calm my mind. I set this up with my only close friend and my sister. But it did take me a while to get the courage to talk to them and explain to them about it. It really did help though. The medicine all but took the panic away but at times there were some scares and I would call and say just talk to me and they would know.

He wanted me to go on anti-depressants but I didn't want to. I didn't like taking the xanax but I knew I could not live feeling the way I did before taking it. I agreed a couple of years later. We tried a couple and found one that worked for me with the right amount. I eventually switched to a psychiatrist. I have found for myself and others have told me the same thing that after taking a certain anti-depressant for a period of time it starts not to work as well or just stops and you need to change it up. I have been on many different ones because they I needed to switch or they just were not a good fit for me.

I did go off xanax for several years and did very well. But one day the monster slammed me again. It continued so I went to the dr. I told her this is what worked please just put me back on it. Before this I was on Cymbalta for a few years. I had to change to a different psychiatrist becasue my other moved. the new one asked me tons of questions and on the second visit we decided to take me off of Cymbalta. He said that he has found that with people who have been on it for a long time and at the higher dose get to the point of just feeling numb to things. I did feel that way but I guess I had just became used to it. We tried a couple of things I didn't like and finally found a combo that it working well for me. I am now being treated for resistant depression and panic disorder. I've been taking my new medication for almost a year. I now take extended release xanax and for depression a combo of Lamictal and a low dose of Prisiq . I've been taking this almost a year .

I know this is long. However probably like a lot of people on here this is only a small part of my story. Like I said I'm almost 49 and didn't get help till I was 29. During the last 20 yrs as I've learned more about these diseases I can see a pattern in my life that started when I was a child. I now realize this all didn't just start when I was 29. It was already there. I just learned to mask it many different ways. I have always been very shy but yet there has also always been a part of me that wanted to be outgoing.

I hope you guys that are having some of these same issues will seek help and continue to until you find the right doctor. Please don't wait until you slip into that deep dark black hole that is so very hard to climb out of. Once you get the right help you will find yourself slowly coming closer to the surface and feel more like a regular person. It's a lifelong process for me and I just have had to learn to speak up when something doesn't feel right. I see my psych regularly so we keep an eye on everything ongoing. I hate going to any docs but I am glad to have one that just doesn't hand out meds with tons of refills and send me on my way to deal with it.

Sorry Kate and others. I wrote freakin a book.

 

[Nicala]

Recently I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and have been taking Zoloft as a medication... I hate it. It wakes me up at 4-5am daily and keeps me from sleeping. Because of that, I'm exhausted all day. I don't feel it doing much for my SAD or depression either :/

 

[shadowaddict]

Recently I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and have been taking Zoloft as a medication... I hate it. It wakes me up at 4-5am daily and keeps me from sleeping. Because of that, I'm exhausted all day. I don't feel it doing much for my SAD or depression either :/

Sweetie, please talk to your doctor. If this has had enough time to get in your system to work properly then this is not the medicine for you. There are so many others and newer ones that work very well. Some meds work for some people but not for others. Don't put yourself through this. Insist your medicine be changed. You need one at a dose that will work for you. Good luck and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[Nicala]

Sweetie, please talk to your doctor. If this has had enough time to get in your system to work properly then this is not the medicine for you. There are so many others and newer ones that work very well. Some meds work for some people but not for others. Don't put yourself through this. Insist your medicine be changed. You need one at a dose that will work for you. Good luck and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

I'm seeing my doctor next week. The first night was horrible. I couldn't sleep at all, so I called my doctor and he told me to cut the dosage in half (100mg to 50) for 4 days, then take the full dose. I was able to sleep with the 50mg but the 100mg.. not very much. I just had about 2-3 nights where I was able to sleep okay. I'm definitely asking him to change it. These side effects aren't worth it for me. I'll let you guys know what happens.

 

[TheClara]

As so many of you have written here I am really thankful for this thread. Reading all your posts really made me feel a bit better. I'm not alone with my issues!

I've basically been depressed and suffered from mild anxiety since my dad died when I was 10. The crazy thing was that I didn't even reallize it until about two years ago when I had a real nervous breakdown. After that I went to a doctor that diagnozed me with depression, and now I'm feeling better, but there is still a long way to go.

On top of that I've suffered from various forms of eating-disorders since I was about 13, which had also lead to really low self esteem and addiction to dietpills and painkillers for many years.

The worst thing for me is still that I'm 29 and It basically feels like I've wasted my youth on having mental issues rather than living my life to the full, but I guess everything also made me a stronger person as well.

 

[Candlecove]

...

 

[-Cassandra-]

****

 

[JaMK]

I loved reading through this thread. I read everyones responses and felt not so alone after. Sometimes I feel so different and isolated and think I'm the only one who struggles which such issues...such as anxiety, depression, low self esteem. As I was reading I wanted to take the time in the thread to reply to each and every one of you who shared your stories with all of us.

I wish I could give each one of you a big hug!

One thing I will say is that I understand medication is good and necessary for some people. But I think for many many people that medication is not the solution. I feel it created bigger problems and the pharmaceutical companies are the ones who profit. I support a healthy nutritious diet high in omega 3, exercise, meditation, and cognitive behavioral therapy over medication. but then I do have thoughts sometimes I feel I can't even do all that for myself and want to be on some med again like Prozac....ugghhh see I'm so indecisive. hahaha

I want to message some of you on here. I have zero girl friends and can be very hermit like at times. I always thought it would be cool to have girl friends who understood anxiety, depression, low self esteem issues.......I feel we could support each other better bc we'd understand....and ALSO have the same common interest of make-up since I'm pretty obsessed with it as are many of you

If anyone wants to talk...text e-mail etc then please feel free to contact me. I don't even have facebook so I'm a bit of a loner...but don't want to be!!!
a little about me....I'm 29, single, no kids..t...I have my bachelor's degree but no career direction as of now and currently trying to move to nyc to work some low paying job!
we can talk about guys we are dating or husbands or whatever....

 

[pretty_melody]

So many strong women on this board and I can't believe how many of you have anxiety as well
My story
I grew up with a mother who has bipolar disorder when she was happy it was always "over the top" which I didn't mind. It was even fun sometimes seeing her all happy and just overall fun to be around. Then came the bad side, the yelling,the screaming the anger and the deep suicidal depression she'd go through. My mother was a serial dater and all the men were always trashy. They'd beat her and abuse her and use her. They'd even go on hurting me and just making my years from 8-18 a living nightmare. My mother was almost killed by one of her awful boyfriends, but I'll spare you the long but painful story on that one. All throughout that time I was in a deep depression, I would hurt myself and I would put myself down and convince myself I was ugly and stupid and just an overall waste of life. I met my bf after I turned 18 and it was the best moment of my life, but school was just a place I hated to be. I succumb to the stress of graduating and wound up having two seizures to this day I can only add up to overall stress. My mother wasn't on medication and was still dating horrible men, I was living with my bf and I would get calls at 3am yelling and crying for help from my mother. This drove me into being on edge all the time, I was always nervous and just plain lost my will to live. I started going to a therapist and she directed me to a psychiatrist. The lady put me on abilify, but with no other anti-depressant. Which to this day I don't understand why she did that. I kept having suicidal thoughts and got myself off the medication.

The first time I experienced a panic attack was at work a little over 2 years ago, I was helping a customer around lunchtime and he was so awful and rude to me. I could feel my heart racing my palms getting sweaty and I was sure I was having a heart attack. I went home that day and from then on I would have frequent panic attacks at work pretty much every day. I took every natural herb and medicine I could think of. I quit caffeine entirely and drank st.johns warts everyday before work. Now I still struggle with panic attacks but I take a supplement called "truecalm" It helps control my panic attacks and helps me get through the work day. I still have panic attacks often but now that I was able to get my mother medication that she needed for her bipolar disorder. I'm only just now at 24 getting my life back.

I know that a lot of you struggle with so many difficult things going on in your life, but I know that everyone here is a beautiful and strong bad ass woman. I think of specktra as an awesome family and to know how much you've all gone through and how you call continue to stay strong today gives me the same motivation to know life is worth living to fight and love life.

 

[Kristin Bacon]

happy to find this thread will read up, but i can already say i have much to talk about and would love to hear all your stories as well!! xoxo

 

[Dominique33]

Mental conditions are awful but in my own expérience lithium is not a bad option for bipolar disorders. If works pretty well, but no miracles of course. It helps both if you are unipolar or bipolar. Unipolar dépression can be à bipolar one , known as pseudo unipolar dépression . Cannot be cured with AD or antipsychotic drugs only that is why I believe that lithium carbonate can help, getting a diagnose can be a very long process up to 8 years here ! Borderline bipolar, mixed bipolar borderline , dépression, all those conditions can lead to a poor prognosis if not cured or taken into account. Take care of your selves ladies here we do not pay for seeing a psychiatrist ( not always ) but well about my best friend committing suicide last year my doctor said / quote/ there is nothing to be done he didńt want to live any longer / probably true but if doctors were more human it wouldńt happen so often... So yes stay strong and take care !

 

[JulieDiva]

Hi everyone!

This thread is a breath of fresh air.
I can relate to many of you , and while I don't feel like typing out my story just now, i can say that I have an "interesting" mind and was just diagnosed with adult ADD!!!! yeah for me!!!

 

[CatDetective]

Well, this looks like my kind of place...

I've had depression and anxiety my entire life, and was actually diagnosed in early childhood with depression and with OCD. I was also diagnosed as Autistic as an adult, though it's the depression and anxiety that are the biggest problems in my life (and really, they're just parts of the tapestry as far as how my experience with Autism shapes my brainwaves). I'm medicated for those and recently changed my medication regime during a period of having regular panic attacks followed by stronger depression and anxiety than usual.


I currently volunteer on an irregular basis, speaking to educators and parents about autism and bullying and what their kids/students may be going through and how to best help them. Speaking publicly as myself is kind of scary and can be incredibly draining considering the nature of the topic and the kind of questions I have to answer, but I'm really motivated by the thought of sparing the current group of kids with ASD even a small amount of what I went through (I was undiagnosed when it came to autism as a child, so I went through the regular school system with IEP modifications for the OCD and anxiety).

I'm also in a program for adults with varying developmental disabilities, that provides classes in the arts and studio time, as well as having a relationship with a gallery where we're sometimes able to display/sell art. Most of the people there have cognitive disabilities, which is the one area I'm not affected personally, and a few have physical disabilities, but it's a program that caters to the underserved population of adults whose disabilities are not necessarily severe ones. Most of the disabled population is classified as 'mildly' disabled, and most of the services and day programs that exist are for the severely disabled. This one welcomes anyone, and it's been different to be part of the disabled community as a whole, instead of just the Autistic community, but it's been a great experience for me and the art being created there is really great.

 

[beautycool]

Hi everyone I'm glad I found this thread as I had looked through before but was too scared to write anything I'm suffering from depression n anxiety One minute I'm ok the next I'm not I have tried tablets but don't work in my eyes I been suffering for 12 years on and off Really and I'm trying to self help myself by trying to get over all of this I'm glad there's a thread on here but I feel weird writing about it all than make up I don't know what to say I'm not ready to chat but maybe I can read some more posts here As some of this represents in myself either now or before I'm going through a lot right now I lost my stepdad three year ago September I gave birth two days after my stepdads funeral I say two says it was prob less Friday burried stepdad then had baby Sunday Ten days late my baby was and was suppose to be due on my stepdads birthday 15 th sept But he came the 25 th I was in labour for two weeks before his death too obviously all the stress I'm still upset by all this still Also other things that are going on I feel for you ladies I have never felt so alone x

 

[MorenitaLokita]

I haven't logged in in forever! I just read my previous post on this thread and it made me sad I joined the military and was discharged after breaking both my legs at the same time (I'm healed now). Since then I have found another therapist, found medication that works for me, got my financial aid back and have a job in the beauty industry (only seasonal but it's better than nothing). I felt my life had turned around until a few weeks ago when my little brother was brutally murdered. Someone in slit his throat over an argument about a skateboard. My family is is evil and tried to forge my signature on the victim of a crime application and get the check sent to their house so they can give my bro a cheap funeral/cremation and keep the remainder. SMH. I didn't eat for almost a week and every time I slept I had nightmares about what happened to him. I am eating better now but my doc gave me sleeping pills to help and diagnosed me with PTSD. I don't think I will ever be "normal", the trick is to find ways to prevent crisis from happening (to the best of my ability, this is a crazy world we live in) and take care of myself. I will probably suffer from anxiety and depression the rest of my life. I am just hoping I can keep a good job, find a husband and start a family, one that embraces me for who I am.

 

[pretty_melody]

I haven't logged in in forever! I just read my previous post on this thread and it made me sad I joined the military and was discharged after breaking both my legs at the same time (I'm healed now). Since then I have found another therapist, found medication that works for me, got my financial aid back and have a job in the beauty industry (only seasonal but it's better than nothing). I felt my life had turned around until a few weeks ago when my little brother was brutally murdered. Someone in slit his throat over an argument about a skateboard. My family is is evil and tried to forge my signature on the victim of a crime application and get the check sent to their house so they can give my bro a cheap funeral/cremation and keep the remainder. SMH. I didn't eat for almost a week and every time I slept I had nightmares about what happened to him. I am eating better now but my doc gave me sleeping pills to help and diagnosed me with PTSD. I don't think I will ever be "normal", the trick is to find ways to prevent crisis from happening (to the best of my ability, this is a crazy world we live in) and take care of myself. I will probably suffer from anxiety and depression the rest of my life. I am just hoping I can keep a good job, find a husband and start a family, one that embraces me for who I am.

Wow,if I could I would give you the biggest hug I could muster. You are going through more than anyone should have to handle and I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling. To have to lose a loved one and in such a horrific way is just awful! Then to feel as though you have no support system because of what your family did to you. You are one amazingly strong woman! It's great your getting the help you very much needed. It also helps to be working in a field you enjoy and have a passion for, that can help alleviate some of the depression and anxiety your experiencing. I will wish nothing but the utmost happiness for you. I'm sure sooner than you think you'll come across a man who can not only be your husband but your best friend as well. Their are good men out there, the kind that will adore you and help take away some of that pain. No one should ever have to go through anything alone.

 

[MorenitaLokita]

Wow,if I could I would give you the biggest hug I could muster. You are going through more than anyone should have to handle and I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling. To have to lose a loved one and in such a horrific way is just awful! Then to feel as though you have no support system because of what your family did to you. You are one amazingly strong woman! It's great your getting the help you very much needed. It also helps to be working in a field you enjoy and have a passion for, that can help alleviate some of the depression and anxiety your experiencing. I will wish nothing but the utmost happiness for you. I'm sure sooner than you think you'll come across a man who can not only be your husband but your best friend as well. Their are good men out there, the kind that will adore you and help take away some of that pain. No one should ever have to go through anything alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words. <3 They helped a lot.