my b.fs mom hates me.. Still..

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

My boyfriend And I have been dating about 5 years. He was 20 And I was 19 when we met, Hes now 25 and me 23
His mom has hated me since day one. Shes extremely rude to me.. here are some examples

21st Birthday Dinner for Him -She looked me straight in the eye and said "So... If college wasn't so hard for you, what do you think you would be taking?" ... I was in Cosmotology school then (she doesnt accept that as a carrer)

One time I was at my boyfriends house (he still lives with mom, I live with my mom also) She was talking to me about something I could care less about but I STILL act interested.. I wasnt looking her straight in the eye the whole time she was talking so she asked" why cant you look at me when Im talking to you?? are you Autistic or something??"she obviously doesnt know what Autism is.

Then she does other.. non verbal things like.. She will whip something up for my boyfriend to eat, right in front of me (hes a mommas boy and i HATE IT) and she wont make me anything or even offer. She has been known to say "Theres some in the fridge if you want some"

She doesnt like me because im dating her son.. well thats one reason. the other is because im not blonde. .. or thin.. I have gained weight since I started dating my boyfriend ,
I was 130 then. now im 150 (YIKES) but she thought I was fat at 130 size 10. she said " look at her she cant even take care of herself how is she gonna take care of you " This bothers me because I have terrible self esteem to begin with.. and would LOVE to be 125-130 again..

I honestly Dont know how to react to anything she says to me , I just go home crying. My boyfriend never says anything because he doesnt want to "start a fight" with her. ...Ive never confronted her about any of it.. I dont know if I should say anything when she is rude to me or keep my mouth shut...

its an Interesting situation that I dont know how to handle! help!

 

[Indigowaters]

I'd have to get back with her if I were you. Snap one back at her after she says something. She'll either 1)Be shocked and not say anything 2)Be shocked and curse you out or 3)have more respect for you and back down. Either way, you can't just let her walk all over you while your boyfriend sits there. I understand he doesn't want to cause a fight with her but he also shouldn't sit by while someone tears your self-esteem down either.

 

[Raerae]

Personally I woulnd't confront her in front of your boyfriend. If anything he's just going to defend her and she's going to win anyways. I would however, confront her in private.

Ask her out to lunch or something, just the two of you, and be polite about it, but bring up the issue. Not in a compaining way, aka "why are you treating me like this blah blah." But in a, "This is how it is, and this is how it's going to be" sort of a way. You might not even have to bring up the issue yourself, knowing her past, she will probably take the opportunity to start pointing out all the faults she thinks you have, and why you aren't good enough etc etc etc.

In situations like these, trying to fight back never works. Your not going to win by getting in her face and pointing out her issues and why she's being childish pointing out yours. You have to earn her respect (if yuo truly want it) by showing her you are a capable partner for her son. Your 23, trust me, in her eyes, your still a child. You have to show her your an adult. If you want her respect.

You say he's a Momma's boy. Well thats probably because she's that type of a woman. She probably thinks it's her (the woman's) place to do all the cooking, shopping, asking about snacks, drinks, whatever for her family. When she makes things for her son, and not for you, she basically implying that you should be making this for her son, (and probably for her or at least offering, since your the potential daughter in law). Thats the type of wife she wants for her son. One thats going to take care of him, and take care of his family.

Mothers geneally want themselves in the wives of their kids. So she's holding you to the same standards that she holds herself too, because those are the standards that she thinks are important. She will never get off your back until you meet those standards. Whether you want to meet them is really up to you.

At least thats my take on it

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Heres the thing though. One time He had gotten sick, so I was at his house and I was TRYING to take care of him getting him Fluids, soup whatever he wanted... and she kept telling me to leave "go home. you need to go home"
so . I went home. pist.. but I went home.
My theory Up till now has been "Kill her with Kindness"
but I just cant take it anymore!
My mom would like to take her to lunch (they havent met) but his mom Wont go. she insists she has other things to do. LIES. she doesnt work. so all she does is worry about my bf , she calls him several times a day to ask if hes eating dinner.. lunch etc. Hes 25 he knows when hes hungry and how to put food in his mouth.

She always turns her nose up at anything I bake (such as Pies and cookies etc for christmas to bring to his family) she wont even try themm she automatically thinks its gonna be terrible because she thinks I'm rather ditzy.. which at times Yes. not always.
Everyone else really like them..( I watch Paula Dean.. I know what people like.. haha)

I think she Knows I can take care of him.. shes just scared of it.
She has nothing else to do with her life except bother him and once that factor is gone . what is she going to do?

 

[*Stargazer*]

Honestly, I'd give the bf an ultimatum. If he doesn't stand up to his mother for you, in front of you, and you get more serious then you will have a lifetime of misery with this woman.

 

[Indigowaters]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MxAxC-_ATTACK Heres the thing though. One time He had gotten sick, so I was at his house and I was TRYING to take care of him getting him Fluids, soup whatever he wanted... and she kept telling me to leave "go home. you need to go home" so . I went home. pist.. but I went home. My theory Up till now has been "Kill her with Kindness" but I just cant take it anymore! My mom would like to take her to lunch (they havent met) but his mom Wont go. she insists she has other things to do. LIES. she doesnt work. so all she does is worry about my bf , she calls him several times a day to ask if hes eating dinner.. lunch etc. Hes 25 he knows when hes hungry and how to put food in his mouth. She always turns her nose up at anything I bake (such as Pies and cookies etc for christmas to bring to his family) she wont even try themm she automatically thinks its gonna be terrible because she thinks I'm rather ditzy.. which at times Yes. not always. Everyone else really like them..( I watch Paula Dean.. I know what people like.. haha) I think she Knows I can take care of him.. shes just scared of it. She has nothing else to do with her life except bother him and once that factor is gone . what is she going to do?

I figured that's what was going on. It's not that she doesn't think you can't take care of him, it's that she doesn't want you to. She wants to do it. This happened between my mother and grandmother before and after they got married. It took my mother one good time to go "straight off" on her and she hasn't bothered her ever since... :brow:

 

[~LadyLocks~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladybug10678 Honestly, I'd give the bf an ultimatum. If he doesn't stand up to his mother for you, in front of you, and you get more serious then you will have a lifetime of misery with this woman.

Yes, I totally agree. If he can't stand up to his mom for the women that he loves then...sorry to say but he might not be the one for you!

I can remember when I was a teen, my brother was with this girl (his baby's mama) that we all hated but, my brother loved her so much that he told us to get over it and defend her everytime. We eventually got over it and excepted her cause we had no choice. Even though we didn't care for her we respected him enough to expect his g/f.

I think a real man will stand up to his mother and let her know that the girl he loves is not going anywhere so either start acting right or bye bye...

 

[Hawkeye]

She asked you if you were autistic or something?

OK Now the line has been drawn. YOu say enough.

Next time she says something like that you just say point blank: I don't appreciate this.

If your BF isn't man enough to say-Mom I love this girl a lot why can you not accept her? Then he obviously isn't good enough for you.

And she's doing this because you are letting her. She's trying to break you two up. She knows its a matter of time. But you and I both know if you say anything about it she'll turn herself into the victim.

Look at it this way: You've been dating 5 years. That's a long time. And that's a long time to get verbally abused by his mom. One day he may ask you to marry him. And if he does guess who your MIL is going to be.

I'm sorry but you deserve much better than that and he's obviously not man enough to even tell his mother to cool it because he loves you. WTH is up with that? Instead he doesnt want a fight!

Girl he's one of those boys that will still be living with his mommy until she's dead maybe a few weeks later. Think Seymore Skinner and Edna on the Simpsons. Yeah. Time to say goodbye because honestly he's just wasting your time.

Sorry to be so harsh but you're too good for that.

 

[giz2000]

Ok...I hope I don't come across as harsh...but here's the reality: if your BF doesn't stand up to his mom now, and you guys were to get married...things would get worse....much worse. He is definitely a mama's boy (and at 25, he should have left home by now...but mommy takes such good care of him...) and let me tell you from experience, they don't change.

The fact that she puts you down in front of him and has absolutely no respect for you (AND he does nothing about it) should tell you that it might be time to reconsider this relationship. Unless he were to cut the apron strings and move FAR away from mom, your relationship is pretty much doomed. I don't want to discourage you, but I have seen people in this type of relationship time and time again....it's not pretty, and you deserve much better...

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Personally I woulnd't confront her in front of your boyfriend. If anything he's just going to defend her and she's going to win anyways. I would however, confront her in private. Ask her out to lunch or something, just the two of you, and be polite about it, but bring up the issue. Not in a compaining way, aka "why are you treating me like this blah blah." But in a, "This is how it is, and this is how it's going to be" sort of a way. You might not even have to bring up the issue yourself, knowing her past, she will probably take the opportunity to start pointing out all the faults she thinks you have, and why you aren't good enough etc etc etc. In situations like these, trying to fight back never works. Your not going to win by getting in her face and pointing out her issues and why she's being childish pointing out yours. You have to earn her respect (if yuo truly want it) by showing her you are a capable partner for her son. Your 23, trust me, in her eyes, your still a child. You have to show her your an adult. If you want her respect. You say he's a Momma's boy. Well thats probably because she's that type of a woman. She probably thinks it's her (the woman's) place to do all the cooking, shopping, asking about snacks, drinks, whatever for her family. When she makes things for her son, and not for you, she basically implying that you should be making this for her son, (and probably for her or at least offering, since your the potential daughter in law). Thats the type of wife she wants for her son. One thats going to take care of him, and take care of his family. Mothers geneally want themselves in the wives of their kids. So she's holding you to the same standards that she holds herself too, because those are the standards that she thinks are important. She will never get off your back until you meet those standards. Whether you want to meet them is really up to you. At least thats my take on it

I think she's a little beyond "standards." She's a control freak...my stepdaughter's mpther in law is like this...when they got married, she insisted that she and her son have the first dance at the wedding reception...who the heck ever heard of that???? She's

 

[Raerae]

Thas why I said meeting her standards is your choice. You can also confront her and drawn your own lines and stick to your own standards. It's up to you to decide how you wanna approach the issue.

Some women are like that <shrug>

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MxAxC-_ATTACK Heres the thing though. One time He had gotten sick, so I was at his house and I was TRYING to take care of him getting him Fluids, soup whatever he wanted... and she kept telling me to leave "go home. you need to go home" so . I went home. pist.. but I went home.

That to me is a perfect situation where you look her in the eye and tell her who's taking care of who. AKA, your welcome to help take care of your son, but I will be looking after him and making sure he is confortable and well cared for. And then do everything before she can, and tell her she's really not needed and can go attend to other things. It's not about killing her with kindness, it's about playing her games, only better.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by giz2000 I think she's a little beyond "standards." She's a control freak...my stepdaughter's mpther in law is like this...when they got married, she insisted that she and her son have the first dance at the wedding reception...who the heck ever heard of that???? She's

The fact that she's a control freak makes handling situations like this easy. You just have to take away anything that she can control. Oh, her baby boy has a fav meal she always cook? Serve him before she can. So she she offers to do something for him, his only reponse is, no thanks Mom, my GF already made me dinner.

The fact is, he's a high maintenance boyfriend. If your really in love with him and can't live without him, your going to have to be his Mom for him. He's grown up all his life with a Mom that does everything for him, she probably ties his shoes in the morning. Which is why he hasn't moved out yet, and probably wont want to for a long time. Why? Because then he'll have to do big boy things like go to work, pay rent and utilities and tie his own shoes. Unless you do it for him.

The only way to get him to stand up to his Mom, is to take away his need for her. That way he's not afraid of losing everything that he's used to because you alread provide it. Right now he wont do that because he doesn't want to have to do things on his own.

Not my type of relationship personally, I tend to prefer a more self sufficient man, but to each is own.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Thas why I said meeting her standards is your choice. You can also confront her and drawn your own lines and stick to your own standards. It's up to you to decide how you wanna approach the issue. Some women are like that <shrug>

Sad, isn't it????

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae The fact that she's a control freak makes handling situations like this easy. You just have to take away anything that she can control. Oh, her baby boy has a fav meal she always cook? Serve him before she can. So she she offers to do something for him, his only reponse is, no thanks Mom, my GF already made me dinner. The fact is, he's a high maintenance boyfriend. If your really in love with him and can't live without him, your going to have to be his Mom for him. He's grown up all his life with a Mom that does everything for him, she probably ties his shoes in the morning. Which is why he hasn't moved out yet, and probably wont want to for a long time. Why? Because then he'll have to do big boy things like go to work, pay rent and utilities and tie his own shoes. Unless you do it for him. The only way to get him to stand up to his Mom, is to take away his need for her. That way he's not afraid of losing everything that he's used to because you alread provide it. Right now he wont do that because he doesn't want to have to do things on his own. Not my type of relationship personally, I tend to prefer a more self sufficient man, but to each is own.

I understand being in love and such, but why would any woman want to be "mommy" to her boyfriend/husband? Remember, she cannot control his actions, only he can stand up to her...and he won't, because he doesn't want to cause "problems" with his mom. I know 45 year old men who are like this...what she needs to do for HERSELF is to let the mother know that she won't stand for disrespect...but how she does that is up to her.

...and I would love to be a fly on the wall when she tries to "outdo" the mother or "beat her to the punch." The way his mom sees things, there is NO ONE on this earth that can do better than she can...I know many women like this...and they're all pretty pathetic, but they manage to run their son's lives and make life hell for their daughters-in-law, even if they live 5000 miles away.

 

[Professor Fate]

your boyfriend is the one that needs to deal with his mother on this subject...not you. if he can't straighten his mother's attitude towards you out,you should probably look elsewhere.he sounds like someone that even after marriage(if you two decide) will let his mother do this to you...which is wrong.tell him to get a backbone.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by giz2000 I know 45 year old men who are like this...

Back to bad prenting? Moms who smother their kids are doing them a seriuos disservice. LOL...

And yeh, like I said, I dont understand why/how they manage to get girlfriends, plenty of single selfsufficient men out there, who can wipe their own butts =P And dont need their diaper changed.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Back to bad prenting? Moms who smother their kids are doing them a seriuos disservice. LOL... And yeh, like I said, I dont understand why/how they manage to get girlfriends, plenty of single selfsufficient men out there, who can wipe their own butts =P And dont need their diaper changed.

Very true...

 

[lara]

Your boyfriend needs to decide who he's dating - his mother or you.

If things haven't improved after five years, you seriously need to decide whether this is working out.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Well The reason we are both Living at home , is because we did live in washington (seattle) for a while,. but the company he worked for went under. now hes in the process of starting his own business and its only logical to live for free while expenses for the business are high.Plus we live in southern California . and its very very Expensive to Live in the area, I currently am Unemployed since I broke my leg. which sucks but I am looking for a job.

He actually has talked to his mom. And she will argue with him FOREVER. and it doesn't matter what he says. the Issue will go on for DAYS.. She will constantly keep thinking up ways to make me look bad to him seriously like 4 days later she will be ok "OH and shes (fill in the blank)..If he argues with her. she insists on arguing back for weeks. SHES CRAZY. If he was to say "Please DONT talk to my girlfriend that way" she would respond with something like "Dont tell your mother what to do"..

A Few weeks ago I found a picture of Him and I at christmas on her Fridge, and I thought "interesting..:she also gave me a pretty Hefty Gift card for a Jewlery store in town..for Xmas.
Whenever she starts being"nice" to me I am like "hmm I wonder what shes cooking up because I know shes not nice to me out of the kindness in her heart.. " I have noticed lately she has been getting better. like shes Starting to accept me but hasnt fully accepted me yet. The rest of his family treats me like gold, I love them all. His grandma is so incredibly Kind to me, His uncle invites me to go places with them allll the time.. (nice places , we went to a Musical in LA, museums.. nice resturaunts etc etc...) His dad (divorced parents and I SEE WHY!) is also nice to me, hes not around much, but he is nice.

My boyfriend Takes incredible care of me as well, Like no one Ive ever been with We live 30 minutes away from eachother,all freeway. So he always makes sure I get home ok when I leave his house late at night he took amazing care of me when I broke my leg,and had surgery he was at the hospital the whole time. I love him to death. I just hope I can get his mom to accept me. She doesnt have to love me.. Just accept that Im not going anywhere

My whole family knows how she has treated me, and they aren't happy about it.. My whole family treats him with respect , My dad at first was weary , Im a daddys girl, So he was very protective, but Now everyone gets along greatly. ( my family is freaking awesome ) haha

blahhhh..