My Situation.

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACpro__* It's just that SOMETIMES i NEED to do shit with other people.

Then do those things. With other people, not just him. If your emotional well being depends entirely on him, you're going to get let down. You need to have a variety of people who make up your emotional support group so when one relationship goes sour you aren't completely on your own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACpro__* I'm going on record to say I HATE the honeymoon phase. lol. It gets you set up for a let down, because everyone changes ... and it doesnt stay lovey dovey forever. And it's like ... now that I know how he can be ... I think i'm cheating myself by accepting anything less than "the star treatment"... i know guys aren't perfect. But i expect perfect out of him. And that's not right. I should love him flaws and all, and he should love me flaws and all. and i do. that doesnt mean the relationship will work. MORAL: You absolutely positively need more than love in a relationship. I just hope it all gets better.. i'll keep you guys posted ...

Yeah, the honeymoon phase does end. It's when what's left afterwards is even better than what you had before that you know you've got a relationship worth keeping. And you are absolutely right, a relationship takes more than just love.

Best of luck to you, I know you've got a lot of figuring out to do.

Keep us updated.

 

[TISH1124]

Yes it takes way more than love...Communication ranks very high on whether or not a relationship will survive....Because you can love someone and not like them very much at times...But you have to be able to communicate or the relationship will never work.

 

[user46]

So. Everything that everyones been saying and how he is acting was just festering in my mind, so I called him and ... all teary eyed ... said "do you wanna just .. break up for a little while?"
and he's like .. "why?!" .. like he's all surprised. and i'm like listen i just don't want you to be pressured into staying with me, i just want to give you space and this feeling i have is just not going away for some reason.
And he said "Nordia, stop worrying about it so much, I told you it will be fine, stop crying and don't worry".

And that's when I knew that it's gonna be okay. I don't know for how long. But i'm going to make sure we work through this.

 

[snugglebunny]

Hey there

I don't have the exact problem as you, but there was a time (that lasted a couple months) where my bf kept trying to get me off the phone with all these little excuses and lies. I just couldn't understand why. I kept thinking he's pushing me away, or doesn't want to be with me at all. I got hurt, very upset, pretty much depressed.

and it was all a misunderstanding altogether. For my fault, he said whenever i call him, i always stay on the phone too long with "silence" of doing nothing and it gets annoying to him that we're sitting on the phone for like 20 minutes doing nothing and he just wants to get off. He told me it's not that he doesn't want to be with me, its just the silence was hella annoying and having that continue over and over.

So for you, maybe yall just need some space and not be together a lot. I'm the type who ALWAYS wants to be wtih my bf. he's my best friend (i can talk makeup, hair, clothes, anything under the sun) and i always go to him, but space is what i should have given him, and maybe you can try that too?

I also whine & nag like there's no tomorrow and i know my bf doesn't like it (cuz it brings the mood down and all) so after talking things out with my bf, i learned that to communicate, you really have to try to word things out right, nicely, and no nagging. Like, eliminate the tone and try to make it sound more "conversational" rather than the "arguing" noise, and I find that helps a lot. To also be open allows the guy not to feel "attacked" or "accused" and he'll feel more comfortable knowing that what he'll say wont' make you explode at him. I had a problem where when he told me something "bad" i'd explode, and from then he always kept things to himself or create a little lie cuz he was scared to tell me cuz i'd yell at him. So now, i'm more calm and now he's more open to me.

Also, he might not be aware of what he's doing! I have a guyfriend whom 2 of my girlfriends told him that he was "being mean" to them and "ignoring" them and such. That guy was doing the same thing to me, and he apologized to all 3 of us girls saying that he really did not realize he was doing all the ignoring and pushing away at all. He had no clue. He also mentioned he was in a man's equivalent of "PMS" XD. But really, guys do have their pms and perhaps your man might be having his pms phase? and btw, my guyfriend's pms stage went on for about 1.5 months @_@ so its not anything short from what i experienced. (but of course each person varies)
______________

So overall, to try to eliminate his negative thought of you as "nagging" and "selfish", I really suggest you talk with him, but in a different tone. A more conversational friendly tone, even if you have to fake it. Really try to calm urself down because when you're tense, it makes the guy tense too and 1000X worried of when you'll drop a word-bombing of essays at him yelling etc. Even if what he says isn't want you'd like to hear, remember that, no offense, guys aren't good at explaining how they feel. Things come out more blunt and sometimes harsh even though it isn't meant to be like that. THey just aren't good at talking emotions ^^(), so give him a chance, and when you get upset at what he says, try asking him to elaborate more on it to better understand what he meant rather than make assumptions.

Ask him what would he like to see you do that would make him happy and not act the way he's acting and if he's open enough, he should let you know basically the answer how to fix this all up. Since that should work (not all the time though, but its worth a shot), that should take care of the guy's side of the problem.

Sorry i wrote an essay for you but i really wanted to help!

 

[user46]

SNUGGLEBUNNY, that "essay" was so helpful! Like .. i KNOW i nag sometimes, lol. But i don't want it to be that ANYTHING i say to him now, he classifies as "nagging"..

and the phone thing is the SAME exact thing we go through!! I LOVE to talk to him on the phone, and I just call to you know ... talk. you can't always text your fucking life. So when i call too much he's like "you just calling to check up on me ..." i'm like dude. i'm just calling to say hi.
So I just got off work a half hour ago, so I'm gonna wait for him to contact me. Since it's always the other way around.

It's just crazzzyyy how the roles have switched. In the beginning, if I left his house even 10 minutes earlier than I said i would stay, he would cop a HUGE fit.
If i didn't answer his texts within a certain time limit, he'd be like ... "what you doing"
If we were fighting and I just wanted to leave ... he's be like "you always just want to leave, why can't we just sit and talk it out".
It hurts me that he's not like that anymore. But I can't begin to read a guys mind. Now it's like ... "leave" when we have a fight. he only texts me, because he doesn't like to talk on the phone apparantly. which, that i know. but sometimes i fuckin HATE texting with a passion, and sometimes I'd rather just talk. the least he can do is grant me that. and i give him that ... he does do it sometimes.

 

[snugglebunny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACpro__* SNUGGLEBUNNY, that "essay" was so helpful! Like .. i KNOW i nag sometimes, lol. But i don't want it to be that ANYTHING i say to him now, he classifies as "nagging".. and the phone thing is the SAME exact thing we go through!! I LOVE to talk to him on the phone, and I just call to you know ... talk. you can't always text your fucking life. So when i call too much he's like "you just calling to check up on me ..." i'm like dude. i'm just calling to say hi. So I just got off work a half hour ago, so I'm gonna wait for him to contact me. Since it's always the other way around. It's just crazzzyyy how the roles have switched. In the beginning, if I left his house even 10 minutes earlier than I said i would stay, he would cop a HUGE fit. If i didn't answer his texts within a certain time limit, he'd be like ... "what you doing" If we were fighting and I just wanted to leave ... he's be like "you always just want to leave, why can't we just sit and talk it out". It hurts me that he's not like that anymore. But I can't begin to read a guys mind. Now it's like ... "leave" when we have a fight. he only texts me, because he doesn't like to talk on the phone apparantly. which, that i know. but sometimes i fuckin HATE texting with a passion, and sometimes I'd rather just talk. the least he can do is grant me that. and i give him that ... he does do it sometimes.

When you get the chance to talk in person, try to get 2 things done: have both of you aware and know thoroughly what YOU want, and what HE wants. What YOU don't like, and what HE doesn't like. Try to not interupt each other and hear each other out first, and then clarify any misunderstandings inbetween so that both of yall know yall are listening to each other, not just eagerly waiting to say your next word.

Before you talk, how about write out specific things you don't like, and briefly in a sentence or two write WHY you don't like it. It'll help you see what's important as something that's worth fighting for and know the difference between that and just small little pet peeves that could easily be ignored.

And my aunt taught me, that when you talk to a person, don't make the other feel"accused" by saying
"omg YOU always do ____"
"YOU do that" etc
Try to say "I feel that_____"
"to me, it seems like ______"
"I don't know if this is really how you feel or why you did this, but I really don't appreciate it at all. It hurts" (something like that)

so that way you are stating YOUR feelings, and feelings are opinions, and he won't be able to feel accused(or at least he shouldn't!) because you're just stating your feelings and also point of view. This is to avoid the stereotypical arguments that gets no one ANYWHERE:
examples:
"You are SO___"
"No, YOU are!!"
"you're always doing____ and i hate it!!"
"You piss me offf!!"
"Yea, when YOU do that, it's so effin annoying"

See the different tone in conversation? It's such a huge difference. If you must use the word "you" in the conversation to express what you don't like about what he did, maybe try to say "when YOU do this, I feel_____ and in my head it makes me think____" ...something like that.

And please neither of you leave when yall have a fight

Something my bf and I do is we always want to get off the phone HAPPY, or at the very least, CONTENT, where we're not sad, but neither super duper happy (we're long distance our whole relationship and been dating 3.5 years now). Trick is to keep each other in mind. Sometimes when the fight calms down we pull in a couple jokes to get each other giggling. Sometimes it doesn't work but it lets each other know we're thinking of the other and care, and are trying to bring up the mood.

Hope that helps some more

let me know if you need to talk about it more and i'll definitely try to help you out ^_^

 

[user46]

Now ladies... I have a question. It seems like I'm encountering the worst part. How do you now cope with that uneasy feeling? Even though things are gettng better... I still dwell on what has happened. I still cry when songs come
On the radio. I still can't sleep through the night. I still want to be with him all the time. I still try to wait for his call, and when he doesn't call when I think it's been a little while, I get worried ad call... Then feel embarrassed about it later. This is a guy I've spent so much of my time with fir the past 2 years... He only said he wants to wait till we stop fighting to start being together like we used to. And I can respect that. But why do I still have this feeling? This is my man... Like why is it taking so long for me to just be okay again? I'm like cryig as I type because I can't believe it's like this now.. Please tell me it will pass as we startto get normal again...I'm afraid me being like this will break the relationship entirely because I'm still so emotional about the whole situation and I know he's getting tired

 

[user46]

I types that in by iPhone... Sorry for the typos

 

[kittykit]

I've been through the same situation with my ex (we were together for almost 6 years). We had a little break and things somehow went a little bit out of control and we broke up for good in the end.

I've learned so much from that relationship. I was a nagger and that drove him crazy. The last thing he wanted to see/hear after a tiring day at work was a mad woman who was on the angry/nagging mode 24/7 when he's home. We were living together. But it wasn't entire my fault because he could be an a$$ sometimes.

I'm happily dating my current boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We respect the other other and give each other space - he goes out with his friends and I've my own plans. If we aren't happy about the other person, we say it out and talk.

Give him sometime to calm down. I'm sure he doesn't want to break up from your previous post. I hope everything will be ok very soon

 

[Chikky]

I think... And I don't mean this in a bad way... That you're just young.

You remind me alot of myself when I first got in a relationship. I can feel the anxiety in your words because I lived them. 'Am I nagging? Am I around too much? Am I too available?'

Sometimes I still have these fears because, while I am not entirely 'young' in an age sense, I am in some ways.

It took me a while, but you learn to stop fearing. Make up your mind to not let him see you worrying. I am almost 100% sure that he was right in that you were the one not acting normal. I did that, too, though he never said anything, I figured it out. I analyzed where things were and saw that I was acting different. Then, of course I got nervous that me changing would ruin things with him, heh.

You'll be fine. Guys need to do 'guy' things sometimes. Alone. Even just have 'guy' thoughts alone. Just take it as that. I know it's so hard to do, but you will be better for it.

I did that, and now I'm the one invited to watch football games with him (a former totall no-no) or go to band practice (after telling his friends I'm 'just one of the guys' so they could be all 'guy-like' and not worry about offending me. He said it was that, or he couldn't go.

)

It's a hard thing to do. I still suck at it sometimes, the not worrying. I'm a huge worrier in general, so it's especially hard. Just take a deep breath, let it play out, and you will be fine. He'll be happy, you'll be happy. It'll be ok.

 

[user46]

Thanks

. I actually enjoyed reading that ... it gave me hope.

Update .. we've actually been having good days. No fighting, just enjoying each others company. He was supposed to go up to his cousins college with her boyfriend to hang out ... and he invited me ... which i was very happy about. We ended up not going, but i was just so glad he invited me. It's only been about 3 days, but i'm not giving up hope. As long as we keep trying, it's gonna be okay. I'm more comfortable. I can sleep through the night, and I'm able to catch myself when I know that i'm about to say something that I need to keep to myself. We have had stuff to talk about and its just finally getting back to normal.
Except i still wish he could be a LITTLE more romantic. But i can accept that he's just not like the way we were when we were in the honeymoon phase. As long as he's romantic when it matters (valentines day, anniversary, bday maybe}, then it's good.

I just hope it stays like this. we all know arguments come outta nowhere sometimes. Quote:

Originally Posted by Chikky I think... And I don't mean this in a bad way... That you're just young. You remind me alot of myself when I first got in a relationship. I can feel the anxiety in your words because I lived them. 'Am I nagging? Am I around too much? Am I too available?' Sometimes I still have these fears because, while I am not entirely 'young' in an age sense, I am in some ways. It took me a while, but you learn to stop fearing. Make up your mind to not let him see you worrying. I am almost 100% sure that he was right in that you were the one not acting normal. I did that, too, though he never said anything, I figured it out. I analyzed where things were and saw that I was acting different. Then, of course I got nervous that me changing would ruin things with him, heh. You'll be fine. Guys need to do 'guy' things sometimes. Alone. Even just have 'guy' thoughts alone. Just take it as that. I know it's so hard to do, but you will be better for it. I did that, and now I'm the one invited to watch football games with him (a former totall no-no) or go to band practice (after telling his friends I'm 'just one of the guys' so they could be all 'guy-like' and not worry about offending me. He said it was that, or he couldn't go. ) It's a hard thing to do. I still suck at it sometimes, the not worrying. I'm a huge worrier in general, so it's especially hard. Just take a deep breath, let it play out, and you will be fine. He'll be happy, you'll be happy. It'll be ok.

 

[user46]

Lol. So i guess it never ends. I feel like he's giving NO type of effort and I'm giving my best because I don't want to lose him. But he's not. And when I say something about it, all he says is "it never ends", "everythings a problem to you" ...
I'm like ... are you fuckin serious?! I've been bending over BACKWARDS and you gonna tell me that shit, because I think YOU'RE not trying, and you're not?! I'm just so hurt. Like i'm trying to be the person he wants me to be and he just doesn't see it. Or doesn't care. I just don't wanna leave him but I see no other option. Any changes that are going to occur with us is going to be when we aren't with each other it seems like. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hold how I feel in, just like I wouldn't want him to. But that's what he expects me to do. I ask him a question, so he can say "Idk, or idc" I swear, if I HEAR I don't know/I dont care or SEE idk/idc again, i'm gonna freak the fuck out. Seriously.

OHMYGODDDDDD.

 

[NutMeg]

I hate to be harsh, but it sounds like you know you're going to break up with him and you're just waiting until you've accepted that. I've been there man, and it sucks. Don't wait for him to change, he won't. Take care of yourself.

 

[Chic 2k6]

I'm no expert in this kinda thing, but give you and your partner some space between each other, instead, focus on going out with your friends and seeing your family.

Perhaps sit down with him, and write pros and cons about each other, then work together on the cons side and suggest how to change it.

Also sometimes, you just gradually lose the feeling for your partner and may be best to let him go and move on. You're still young, there's plenty of people out there that would make you feel so much better and happier about yourself


All i can do is offer big hugs, and the ladies replying in this thread pretty much have said everything, so I'll leave it at that

{{HUGS}}

 

[user46]

Thanks everyone. I think I am at the stage that it's just like ... dude give up, he's not gonna change, he's not worth it, he needs to grow up.
But ... and I know you people that have been there before can relate ... it's VERY hard. Its extremely hard for me to just ... give up. It's like i'd rather him dump me than to just act like he doesn't care. It sucks not to be wanted. It sucks when your man barely wants to be around you anymore. It sucks when he doesn't want to have sex anymore. (He says he just doesnt feel the urge ... which, i dunno what changed because when we first got together, we had sex like ... everyday). It sucks when you're around each other and barely speak because there are no topics to conversate about anymore.
It's like the other part of me is saying tough it out, because It can only get better from here. I mean ... it can ONLY get better from where we're at now, lol. I just can't make the step. It'll be harder to get dumped than to just leave ... but at the rate i'm going I think it would be easier for him to just leave me. Because I really don't think I can leave on my own free will unless something like... CRAZY happened. And that's sad because I always thought I was so strong and independent. Once you get a man it's crazy how you depend on him, without even knowing it. But that's how it should be. I should be able to tell him ANYTHING. Now i feel like everything I'm doing is turning him off.

And I know a lot of this is stemming from me. I know it is. I just have trust issues , and for no reason. I've never had a reason to believe he was cheating on me. We're together all the time, so if he found time to cheat, then I'd applaud him, lol. It would be hard to sneak that one by me. But I just ... for whatever reason ... always have these things going on in my mind. Like, I don't wanna turn into these like, crazy obsessed, possessive girls. But he's really got a hold on me something serious. I've been taking so many chances on him and he with me. I just don't think his heart is into it anymore. Part of me thinks that HE'S the one trying to come to terms with the fact that he wants to move on. And then when I try to get it out of him ... it's like i'm LOOKING for him to say something bad, even though I don't wanna hear it.... hard to explain.
He can tell me he loves me until my ears bleed, but until he shows it ... I don't think he does. I'm just waiting for this dream man that buys me flowers everyday and sexes me everyday and tells me he loves me a million times a day, lol. I'm nuts. I'm utterly ridiculous.

 

[snugglebunny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACpro__* Thanks everyone. I think I am at the stage that it's just like ... dude give up, he's not gonna change, he's not worth it, he needs to grow up. But ... and I know you people that have been there before can relate ... it's VERY hard. Its extremely hard for me to just ... give up. It's like i'd rather him dump me than to just act like he doesn't care. It sucks not to be wanted. It sucks when your man barely wants to be around you anymore. It sucks when he doesn't want to have sex anymore. (He says he just doesnt feel the urge ... which, i dunno what changed because when we first got together, we had sex like ... everyday). It sucks when you're around each other and barely speak because there are no topics to conversate about anymore. It's like the other part of me is saying tough it out, because It can only get better from here. I mean ... it can ONLY get better from where we're at now, lol. I just can't make the step. It'll be harder to get dumped than to just leave ... but at the rate i'm going I think it would be easier for him to just leave me. Because I really don't think I can leave on my own free will unless something like... CRAZY happened. And that's sad because I always thought I was so strong and independent. Once you get a man it's crazy how you depend on him, without even knowing it. But that's how it should be. I should be able to tell him ANYTHING. Now i feel like everything I'm doing is turning him off. And I know a lot of this is stemming from me. I know it is. I just have trust issues , and for no reason. I've never had a reason to believe he was cheating on me. We're together all the time, so if he found time to cheat, then I'd applaud him, lol. It would be hard to sneak that one by me. But I just ... for whatever reason ... always have these things going on in my mind. Like, I don't wanna turn into these like, crazy obsessed, possessive girls. But he's really got a hold on me something serious. I've been taking so many chances on him and he with me. I just don't think his heart is into it anymore. Part of me thinks that HE'S the one trying to come to terms with the fact that he wants to move on. And then when I try to get it out of him ... it's like i'm LOOKING for him to say something bad, even though I don't wanna hear it.... hard to explain. He can tell me he loves me until my ears bleed, but until he shows it ... I don't think he does. I'm just waiting for this dream man that buys me flowers everyday and sexes me everyday and tells me he loves me a million times a day, lol. I'm nuts. I'm utterly ridiculous.

I get what you mean. For me, I always had "the worst case scenario thought" and i ALWAYS waited for the moment for my bf to slip, to give myself an answer, even though it was bad. I had this disgusting urge to be like "HA! seeee!!?!" Sadly it was an urge to point out something I don't want to happen but it was just an urge to see an answer. any answer.

i was like this with my ex, and it was my parents that had to end it for me. I was so pissed and upset, but im glad they did because now i'm with the man of my life. seriously. almost dating for 4 years now and i've grown so much--though i admit i'm still immature, but looking back, and my bf mentioned too, that i've improved a lot. It's just about growing up, really.

Honestly, you need to determine the difference between "in-the-moment feeling CRAZY" and the "I-really-can't-take-this-anymore feeling CRAZY" and see which one you're feeling. Sometimes I feel "in the moment crazy" and I determine those by waking up the next day feeling 95% alright like nothing happend. the "i can't take this anymore crazy" feeling was with my ex where i consistently cried everyday. i had no apetite to eat--i literally lost weight in a week and im already 100lbs only. it was dangerous to my health and my grades in school dropped. I couldn't concentrate and everything was an extreme blur. I blocked out my friends. THAT is when you NEED to break up. If someone's causing you a serious heartache, it's time to go--and don't let HIM break up with you. Don't let someone who doesn't treat you right dump you because you're better than that.

Have the power to walk away. I wish I can tell my sister that cuz she's in a bad relationship right now and she's blinded by it, and i can tell she's scared to walk away. There really are more fish in the sea.

My guy cousin took a LONG time to find his wife. LONG TIME. but now, the wait is well worth it. He's married to a freakin drop dead gorgeous girl WITH brains (she went to harvard) and is making tons of money, and he's happy. Don't give up hope--there's that mr. right around the corner waiting for you who will treat you like a queen--but you also have to do your part of course.

i met my Mr.Right and it motivated me to change. How? Why? because I took a look at how much he's sacrificing for me. He does EVERYfreakinTHING for me. And I feel so guilty, so horrible sitting here whining still, so I decided to step forward and give him what he deserves--a better girlfriend. So not only did it result in him being much happier, and not only did i improve so much better as a person alone, but it improved our relationship as a whole and we both look at each other as an invincible couple who can go through anything. I want you to get to feel that happiness and the refreshing feeling of being liberated from previous mistakes and previous pains.

goodluck

 

[MsChrys79]

Although I've never had anyone not wanna F#%K me in a relationship I have had guys do some of the things your man is doing and it is usually the result of one of the following things:

1. He's seeing someone else and hopes by being mean to you you'll decide to leave him alone then he doesn't have to feel guilty.

2. He isn't attracted to you anymore

3. There could be someone who he hasn't done anything with but she has his attention and he knows as long as you're around it's not happening

there are lots of reasons why he could be actiing this way....and although you love him you need to love yourself more!! Leave his ass alone....believe me I know it's easier said than done but you're not gonna face anything less difficult than any other woman on this board has gone through, these types of struggles/situations build character and make you stronger....leave him alone....Please

this is only my opinion but if I don't know nothing else, Ladies I know shopping and MEN!!! with they stupid asses...LOL